What should I do if my girl friend wants me to go to church but I don't believe in God?

You might need to find a new girlfriend.

is that a good reason to break up with someone and go find someone new?

Who knows?
It’s only just out of reach,
Down the block, on a beach,
Under a tree.
I got a feeling there’s a miracle due,
Gonna come true…

Atheists can go to church too. I’ve gone in the past just to observe the cultists at work. :)

I guess it depends on the context. Does she want you to go “just to hang out” and see it once with her? Or is she actively trying to convert you?

If it’s the latter, then I’d just actively try to convert her right back.

If you love her, you go. You don’t have to believe.

You might be able to compromise and go maybe once a month or something like that. Also, it’s a learning experience. I am not Christian but I have a Christian youth group I go to in the summer because I want to learn about the religion.

@jonsblond, I absolutely disagree. I love my girlfriend dearly, but if she demanded that I go to something I find boring and objectionable every week, that would be a huge problem.

Once a girl at work wanted me to go to church with her. It turned out they were having a ‘bring a guy to church’ day so that all the untached young women could find a husband. If it’s something like that I’d stay at home.

An interesting question for her would be, “If you knew right now that I would never again believe in God, would that change how you feel about me? Honestly?”

I’m going to have to disagree with jonsblond (which is surprising to me, because I usually agree with you!)

I wanted to start going to church, and my husband was raised Catholic. I did not want to attend a Catholic church, but rather, a Unitarian Universalist. He came with me quite a few times, and enjoyed it and likes their philosophy. He talked to many ex-Catholics about their transition, because he was having issues with “catholic-guilt”. He did not want to join the church with me, he felt he was “cheating” on the Catholic church. It didn’t put a strain on us. But, I stopped going when he stopped. I might start going again, and I may join. It feels weird to me, to join a church without my husband. He has no issue with our son being a part of it either. We both don’t want to go to Catholic church.
I think you need to talk to your girlfriend, tell her why you don’t want to go to church. You should be able to talk things out honestly, and if you cannot..well, now that’s a reason to end the relationship.

She feels we are living in sin because we are not married. She tells me she wants to change her life and do things right. I don’t feel like we are living in sin because I know I love her and am only with her. I was raised to not lie, cheat, steal, murder, commit crimes…much like moral teachings of the bible. I live a clean life and am good others. Why do people say you’re a sinner if you don’t go to church on sundays? I know people who go to church, and once on the outside have sex, lie, cheat on their spouse. Am I crazy or does all of this not make sense? Why do I have to prove I’m a good person? I do good things in my daily life. My mom who was catholic her whole life recently changed to Greek Orthodox. What does that say about the catholic church and faith?

Oh. If she wants to do things right, she needs to stop having sex with you, and not live with you. You don’t need to go to church for that.

I don’t see any problem at all with going to church with your girlfriend. Anyone can go to church. As a former Christian I attended services of other denominations than mine and also went to Catholic churches, Jewish synagogues, and more than one service of Wiccans before they were calling it Wicca. Since then I’ve added Buddhist, Mormon, and Wiccans that did call it Wicca. Atheists aren’t really big on services.

You can regard it as you would regard a lecture on a subject you’re not crazy about, a concert in a musical style that isn’t your favorite, an adventure in learning about other faiths and beliefs, or an exercise in open-mindedness and tolerance. That isn’t the problem.

The problem comes if you see a future for this relationship and religion is going to be an issue with her: not just that she believes but that she thinks you too must believe. If you can’t reach an accommodation that respects both her convictions and yours, you are going to have a major obstacle to a happy and peaceful alliance.

You come from very different moral backgrounds. Without knowing you both it seems that what you’re describing is a bomb waiting to go off. You going to church isn’t the issue, her radical changes in behavior are. If you can’t find a happy medium between the two of you to reconcile those differences then yes, it is reason enough to find someone new.

if you truely dont believe say no or just suck it up. if you have never been they might have free food afterwards x)

@qualitycontrol…Only you can decide what is right for you. Only you can do what is right for you. I know it’s neither a ten paragraph answer nor written with wit or panache. I also know it’s the only right answer.

@qualitycontrol, you don’t have to “prove” you’re a good person. And going to church won’t make you a better person. (In fact, I would argue that believing in the Bible—the only religious text that actually commands you to commit genocide—would make you a considerably worse person!_

Again, if your girlfriend wants to start this debate with you, don’t be afraid to present your own point of view and defend what you believe. People shouldn’t be so scared to debate about religious beliefs. And they definitely shouldn’t demand that others acquiesce to their beliefs without being able to defend them.

I’d go once a month… maybe.

@btko, I’d go exactly as much as I felt like it. I’d certainly be open to going to church once or twice just to see what it’s all about. But in a healthy relationship, your partner should not have the power to demand that you repeatedly do something you have no interest in doing, let alone something you’re actively opposed to on philosophical grounds. There’s “compromise,” and then there’s “domination.”

My parents never took me to church. I’m agnostic. Before I met my wonderful husband, I dated a boy that was Catholic. I attended church with him and his family because I cared about him and I wanted to learn about his religion. He never forced me to, it was just important to him.

You don’t need to go all the time, but it wouldn’t hurt to go every now and then.

She wants your company. It makes you more of a couple, a sign that you have a certain level of commitment. Going to church by yourself, when you’re in a relationship, can be a bit lonely.

Go to church and make fake fart noises during every silent prayer.

If she loves you, she loves you for who you are, not what she wants you to be. She is more worried about how your relationship looks from the outside. There’s nothing wrong with going once in a while to keep her company, but I get the feeling she is trying to change your mind about god. Either you have to agree to disagree, or not be together. If god is a big deal in her life suddenly, and she can’t accept your beliefs, it won’t work.

Nice keywords. xD Judging by those I think you’ve already made up your mind.

First of all, tell her.
Secondly, if it means that much to her, you should make the effort of going, at least a few times, if not every Sunday. Just like everything in a relationship, you have to make the effort to compromise.

just go to church with her. you’ll get it eventually.

she may have to explain some stuff, but you also have to be open-minded to receive the message.

@charliecompany34, what message are you talking about, exactly?

And how would you feel if qualitycontrol demanded that his girlfriend join him every week to listen to a Richard Dawkins podcast, and asked her to be “open-minded” so she could receive the “message”?

Open mindedness is an open mindedness is an open mindedness.

The choice seems to be:
Sleep in on Sunday morning, while your girlfriend gets up, goes to church, and comes home to find you still in bed,
or
Get up, take a shower, go to church, maybe go out to brunch afterwards, because your girlfriend asks you to?

Do her parents have any visibiltiy in this scenario?

Or
get up on Sunday morning and go somewhere else. The gym, fishing, running, another church, volunteer work at a homeless shelter or a loaves-and-fishes charity.

Going to church, even weekly, won’t help the living-in-sin part, which is about getting married. My suspicion is that the issue here is not really about sharing a worship service. It’s about buying into the judgment of those who regard cohabitation as sinful so you will be willing to get married. Which requires going to church once.

@Jeruba, that’s why I wondered about the parents in all this…

@Jeruba Exactly what I was thinking.

I would be resentful that someone is trying to change me into someone they think I should be instead of letting me be who I am. And resentment is not a good thing.

go, but fall asleep. eventually she will just stop asking you to go (it may take a few sleeping sessions). haha

but in all seriousness, obviously i don’t know either of you, but from your other post, it sounds like you feel that she is not giving you enough credit for just being a good person. like it is not enough to just be good, you have to be good and religious/follow christian doctrine. it also sounds like you feel like she is not being accepting of your position, but expects you to accept hers.

do you think that she is the type to only be willing to commit to a fellow believer? i don’t think there is anything wrong when people want to be with someone of the same creed, but it sounds like if you two want to continue your relationship that is an important factor. so best to ask and know.

Tit for tat and passive aggressive behavior do not a future make. :-P

Thanks to everyone for all the great answers! I love the advice from the older, wiser collective. We are not living together but have been having sex over the past few months. She wants to change this also. If we are going to church together, we are NOT going to be sleeping together. Even I know that is wrong. I understand where she is coming from and I think I want to change my life too. It’s just so hard (being a 20 year old guy). I am going to try because I really want to be with her. I felt so bad when she told me she stopped going to church just for me because she said she didn’t want to lie to God. Thanks you for the advice everyone…I’ll be at the 11:30 am service in my Sunday best. Tom

You could always do what my husband did. When he was married to his first wife, she became a devout Christian. He followed along to church every week, volunteered to do church stuff, and even led worship services in his home for a few other families when they lived overseas with no readily available churches. He bent himself over backwards to try to fit in the mold that she wanted him to fit in, trying to believe, pretending to believe, forcing himself to believe. But he didn’t believe. And after bending so far, it caused him (with some other major issues) to break. They got divorced.

And that is why he is now my husband. (I met him several years after the divorce, and had no part in his marriage’s undoing.)

If you do not believe, it may be that you can pretend for a while in order to get married to the girl you love. You may even believe, in time. But if you do not believe, really do not, it might be a lesson in futility. And there might be someone else down the line, who you don’t know yet, that is more in line with what you really believe.

My guy was married for the first time at age 19. He was a dude too young to get married, just like you might be. It took him almost 20 years of pretending before he finally got out. I hope that if you discover that you aren’t a good fit to be married to a church lady, you can do something sooner. And if it does work out, I wish you much happiness. :)

Showing up to a building doesn’t make you a good Christian (and that’s what she’s aiming for). She should go if she wants, she shouldn’t of stopped for you. She did choose to have sex with you, and in her church’s view that’s a big no no. She can go to church, go to confession, ask forgiveness, the whole shebang and she will be welcomed back.
Everyone in the church sins, including the priest. It’s a normal human trait that the church expects. It’s what you do about it that matters. I’m sure donating some money would be favorable.
Forcing you to go doesn’t help her situation. Like you said, you don’t live together and she wants to stop having sex. That’s part of her belief system. As long as you can work with that, there shouldn’t be a problem.
She has to be mature enough to know that she can’t convert you unless you choose to convert, and you have to be mature enough to know showing up to church isn’t a solution, it’s just a band aid on a bigger issue.
All I’m saying is be true to yourself, or in the long run you may have some serious resentment issues.

I think a good way of figuring out your place in her belief system is to start by participating, and then analyzing how you feel about it, and how you fit into it. There’s no hurry, and church offers a reflective environment, if nothing else.

This could eventually be a deal-breaker for the relationship, or at the very least a serious point of compromise that needs to be addressed before any long term commitment is entered into. How you think about your spiritual life changes, and in working with Catholic teens and young adults in the past, rejection of values and beliefs does not mean that you don’t come back to some form of them later in life.