Wow and I mean wow.
Ignoring those that need to be ignored, here are my thoughts…
@AlfredaPrufrock, @ubersiren, @judy – great responses. To start with, I am a very firm parent, and keep steadfast boundaries, because that’s one of the things I learned early on with her. You can’t give her an inch, or she’ll run you over with a Mack Truck. Having said that I set strict boundaries, I have to say that I can’t hit her and won’t use any sort of physical punishment. I spanked her sometimes when she smaller, but now I don’t feel there is anything to be solved with violence. Hitting me only made me angry and hate my parents, and I am sure it will do the same for her, so I won’t be going there.
I have done a great deal of rewarding her, using positive reinforcement, but it got to the point that she just wanted to make EVERYTHING about getting a reward. But, yes, I will have to take a closer look at our “pattern of engagement” because this DOES feel like a cycle. Some things I did change recently, was that I tried to step in and help her with things, like cleaning her room. I figured if at least I helped her she couldn’t hide things instead of putting them away (she did it anyway) would fool around less (that worked) and I could help her keep herself organized. But you put it very well, when you said, “Teach the correct behavior, don’t react to the negative behavior.” I have to work on that. Thank you.
I read a book about ADHD, and chose ONE area where we are having the most difficulty and that I felt was driving us in a bad direction, and am trying to handle that – which is the organization. I feel that her disorganization – throwing stuff around, not picking up after herself, being sloppy is creating most of the problems, because then she can’t find things, breaks things by stepping on them, and wants new things because she can’t find where she accidentally hid the other things. She lies about where the things are. So this is the major area being dealt with. Her emotional swings are part of this, I believe. And yes, now how I am dealing with her is part of the problem – I am yelling at her in my frustration. She can’t clean the furniture – she completely ruined it. Writing on light colored wood with blue ball point pen – now we’ve got to try and sand it? Not to mention – this isn’t the first piece of furniture she has written on.
I’m not going to argue with anyone about ADHD and discipline, because I know how she is without the medication, and it clearly helps. I thought the medication might help avoid the mental issues, like depression and anxiety, that I was concerned might be brought on by the ADHD and her trying to deal with it. Luckily, at school everyone adores her – because she takes the medication, they get the best of her. By late afternoon, when its worn off, I get her at her most difficult, and I try to be loving and a good mom. It’s not like this everyday, but when it’s a bad day, it’s pretty unbearable.
@asmonet I’ve read the literature about IQ, and when I wrote what the therapists said, I was summarizing it. I have tried to have her needs met with Gifted and Talented program that the city we live in put her in, and I really handle the intellectual part pretty well – too well, because she only wants to be home schooled (which terrifies me, because I have trouble coping now) but it’s not the learning that’s an issue – it’s the lying.
@Jack79 I’ve tried that tact – asking her to just tell me the truth and nothing will happen, but I guess now that I am thinking about it, she isn’t buying it. I can’t always tell when she is lying, and she is learning or already has learned that it is safer to just stick with the lie.
I think I am too strict, and not helpful to her enough, despite firm boundaries, I am making half the problems with how I respond to her. So @AlfredaPrufrock got any books you would recommend?
Thank you everybody.