Ok... have you ever thought you were going mad?

By any chance, do you have a history with any mental disorder? Because such self-loathing sounds like a symptom of a few of them.

It happens to a lot of people. You might want to read over this. There’s a lot of good advice from all over on that thread. :)

Perhaps a good counselor could help you work through it. All the best my lovely, lynne. :)

The fear of losing your mind is pretty common, or so I’ve read. I’d tend to agree with that perspective.

The thing that helps me when it seems like my mind is on some bizarre journey and forgot to invite me along is just sitting and letting my thoughts do their thing instead of trying to oppose them or change them.

Thoughts come and they go, you only have to acknowledge the ones you want to.

As a matter of fact, I did feel like I was going mad at one point in my life. It was during my first marriage and my first wife was causing me to feel this way. On purpose and for malicious reasons too. I haven’t seen or heard from her in 12 years, thank God, and I’m a totally different and vastly improved person today.

Wow, we have all been there and like the proverbial Princess and the pea there is that certain something which remains in a state of perpetual fuckedupedness.:)
And it’s there regardless of mood. This is usually the beginning of a meaningful foray into meditation to be able to explore the basis of this discomfort. I have experienced much from just sitting on a cushion. Sit, breathe and check it out.

Yes; there was a time that I considered voluntary commitment. Looking back, I realize that it was in large part due to a highly dysfunctional relationship, having lost my job, and was exacerbated by hormonal side-effects of oral birth control.

Thankfully, I found a great job and have been there for 5 years now; got an IUD (Mirena); and I eventually ended the relationship, despite having a deep love for the man.

I took a couple years to focus on myself and my son, and stabilizing our lives (he was having depression/anxiety issues, too). As I’ve outlined in previous questions, I have worked on myself, after previous trials of different therapies and medications with little to no success. I decided to stop living as a victim of abuse that happened 30 years ago when I was a child, and to take accountability for my life in the here and now.

We cannot change the past and we cannot predict the future; all we can control is what we do in this exact moment. I wanted to stop living with regret about the “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” of life and to choose my actions in the moment based on what will reduce my future regrets.

I’m still a work in progress, but sometimes I marvel at how far I’ve come in 5 years.

thank you x I do have a good counsellor…very good actually…bless her…

I don’t think i particularly mind being mad…i think it’s just that fact that i don’t other people see me being mad as very healthy…

I’m beginning to like it actually… at least i think that’s a step closer to accepting myself! yay!

@lynneblundell: Actually, it was my decision to accept my chronic depression, and the fact that it makes me more compassionate that was a big step in moving forward. To accept and even embrace that character trait meant I no longer had to struggle against my own nature. And somehow, I became less depressed in the process, because I stopped judging myself! I hope this makes sense, because it was a strange phenomena, and hard to explain.

I’m bipolar. I don’t believe in medication, so I just work hard to control it. When things are really getting messy in my head madness seems inevitable. I think some part of me will always feel/be a little bit mad, but Jack Kerouac made me feel better about it:

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

@adreamofautumn that’s amazing and has truly touched me thank you

@adreamofautumn: I’d completely forgotten about that passage, thank you for reminding me.

@lynneblundell and @asmonet that quote has gotten me through so many moments when I felt like I was “losing it” and nobody would understand. It really is just amazing.

Yes, but if you are truly bipolar, then it may behoove one to take their medication. I had a friend who was bipolar and stopped taking his medication. He hung himself during a manic phase after a deep depression.

I didn’t stop my medication, I have never been put on it. I don’t get full-blown “mania” at least not yet in my life. I get “hypomania” which is easier controlled. I don’t believe in medication at this point. I have made it clear a number of times to people close to me that despite my protests if they ever think that I have lost rational thought I want them to have me involuntarily hospitalized. I have also made it clear to my parents/doctors/therapists/etc that if the day comes when I do dissolve into a full-blown manic moment I will immediately reconsider the medication question. At the moment though i’ve been at this since I was 16 and i’m healthier and happier than I have been in a long time. However, I am well monitored by friends and family and I am prepared to accept medication if this illness ever progresses into a more serious manifestation of itself.

Good plan. :)

@asmonet thanks :)

Just about every day :)
What hearkat says about acknowledging and accepting our nature is very true. I finally learned to accept myself for who I am, to stop trying to be somebody else – somebody better, and believe that who I am is just fine, thank you. That and proper meds have saved my ass.

@adreamofautumn I like that you’ve got your contingency plans in place. That makes me feel very good about your success.