Can anyone tell me a funny story?

Sure thing.

I was skateboarding in a parking lot of a mall. My girlfriend was watching. I wanted to impresses her. I landed a kickflip about 3 feet infront of a parked truck. Knocked me out. I went straight into the tailgate.

When my youngest son was born he had to be rushed to another hospital for surgery.. we took a small plane to portland where they put me up in the ronald mcdonald house… everything went smoothly with the operation.. but the clothing situation was the problem..

they had washers available to us but I only had one set of clothes… so did I ask for a robe? Did I knock on my neighbors door and try to get a spare shirt? nope… I decided to make a run for it… because after all.. my room was right around the corner… i threw the clothes in like a mother cheetah with prehensile toes and started to sprint to my room… needless to say I was caught about halfway there by the HOST (of course a female) of the ronald mcdonald house… after a quick lecture on the behavior expected of those spending the night at the house I was given a robe and went on my way.. dignity shattered.

After checking out of the hospital with my son I sped out of there like a crazy man.. but not before driving past the ronald mcdonald house and getting a humorous wave from the host… if you’d never seen a brown man blush you should have been there..

I check this site every single day, and it makes me laugh every time! www.fmylife.com I don’t know why, but I find other people’s misfortunes just a tad funny.

The streets of Tombstone, Arizona had been emptied out. An occasional dust devil would appear, swirling angrily, and then it would disappear just as quickly as it came. The Thirsty Horse Tavern had its doors bolted shut for the first time since it had been built. It was high noon and in your mind it was clear what you had to do.

As you rounded the corner of Silver Street, you saw him and ever so slowly you reached down to grab your slingshot. You and every other gunman in Tombstone were up in arms about the no weapon policy within the town limits but that wasn’t going to stop you in any way. You looked through the dust down Silver Street and could barely make out your arch enemy, Angus ‘Dragon Breath’ McFee, known for the worst halitosis west of the Mississippi.

It wasn’t enough that you could hit a lizard sunbathing on a pet rock at 40 yards with your trusty slingshot, you were well aware that if old Angus breathed on you (that was weapon enough for him), he’d probably melt the skin right off your face and that would really suck.

Aware that you were downwind and beginning to smell traces of rancid odors in the air (didn’t Angus EVER use a toothbrush?), you jockeyed for position to get a good shot at Mr. fungus gums. After what seemed like 10 minutes of a real bad square dance (but was really 30 seconds of you scrambling for cleaner air before you projectile vomited in the horse trough), you looked like you might finally have a nice shot at yuckmouth over there.

Loading up your weapon with a number 7 size rock (specifically recommended as the best size for the best effect in the slingshot instruction manual), you took good aim at every dentist’s nightmare and let loose for all you were worth. With everything now moving in super slow motion, you were able to clearly see and hear the satisfying thunk as the rock imbedded itself in the forehead of King Gingivitis and this ended his reign of terror for all time!

@NaturalMineralWater, lurve for like a mother cheetah with prehensile toes

What Kind of Pants Does Super Mario Wear???
DENIM…...Denim….Denim

its the music when hes in the tunnel lol

Once I had a strange man on my couch….
;-)

how about a joke?

There’s a 93-year-old guy who goes to visit an old friend. His friend (also around 93) tells him to sit down and calls the wife (a wonderful 89-year-old lady):
-Honey, come meet my friend. Would you like some tea?
The friend says yes, so the guy says.
-My love, could you please bring us some tea?
And some cookies please darling.
When the tea and cookies arrive, the host again asks the wife to bring some sugar.
-Sweetheart, could you fetch some sugar please? Thank you, baby.

The guest is surprised at all this and asks.
-So how long have you two been married?
-Oh, must be over 60 years now.
-And you stil call her “darling”, and “sweetheart” and even “baby”? Wow!
The old guy bends over and whispers:

-Nah, she’s a pain in the arse. It’s just that I’ve forgotten her damn name for the past 20 years!

When I was 17, my family and I went on a vacation one summer out to visit the west coast. While we were in Arizona we decided to do a self-guided hike down the north rim of the Grand Canyon. We heard on the news that a week before we were there they had a big storm pass through and a family that was hiking down got caught in the storm and died. Needless to say, this didn’t stop us from going on the hike.

When we finally got to the trail, we found out that some of the signs had been washed away from the storm so we had to be careful not to go off the hiking trail. I, of course, being a smartass teenager decided to go ahead of my family because they were too slow. After a while I decided to wait for them to catch up to me, but after waiting for so long I didn’t see them. At one point I heard my mom call out my name and I called back asking where she was, but she didn’t respond after that. That was the point where I started to REALLY panic and I thought that maybe I took a wrong turn off the trail or something.

I ended up following this Swedish couple down to the Indian village at the bottom, but the whole time I kept seeing these guys on ATVs go zooming past us. When we finally reached the village, I see my older brother waiting at the entrance and he’s like “WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU?! We had to send out a search party on ATVs to find you!!!!” And i’m like “Ohhh, so that’s what they were doing! I saw them several times!”

Anyway, luckily everyone was okay and I wasn’t totally in trouble with my parents, haha. We ended up taking a helicopter tour back up the the top, which was really awesome. My family STILL won’t let me live it down though! They love telling everyone the story of how I got lost in the Grand Canyon :)

When my new neighbors moved in, I decided to make them brownies. So, I was baking them (and obviously had to taste the batter) and when they were finished, I brought them over to the neighbor. He was very appreciative and we talked for a bit. He kept putting his head down and I thought he was shy. I was feeling so proud of myself as I walked back to my house. My son and his girlfriend were in the driveway. I stopped to chat and my son and girlfriend started cracking up. I asked “what’s so funny!?” My son said ‘Been eating chocolate much?’ Um….I had a chocolate ring around my mouth from tasting the brownie batter and had just introduced myself to the new neighbor that way. OMG I wanted to die! But hey, I laughed my ass off instead because really – if you can’t laugh at yourself – life is going to be very hard. We’re great friends with neighbors now and he never mentioned the incident. And they don’t call me Lucy for nothing….

On our counter we have this package of mix that you’re supposed to use to make Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches, which usually you do with thinly sliced beef. We didn’t have thinly sliced beef, but we had just gone to the grocery store and purchased a sirloin which is in our refrigerator. My wife said she wanted to make those cheesesteak sandwiches Monday and I told her, we still need to get shaved beef. She said she was just going to use that steak in the fridge, and I said, but we don’t have a meat shaver and that’s too thick. She said, “I know, but I bought that one because it was the thinnest steak they had, I’m just going to beat the meat until it’s thin enough.” I started to laugh, but then realized that my 7 year old, who has no idea what “beat the meat” means, was sitting right there, so I had to pretend I was choking in order to avoid THAT conversation (he’s the type that repeats EVERYTHING he hears, ESPECIALLY if it’s inappropriate).

@elijahsuicide you took mine ;)

Once I went to this pub, then this guy I hardly know walked me home, then fell this strange man fell asleep on my couch…I wrote it the accounts on Fluther and became infamous ;)
~written by me, Lynne

;) I’m still really glad you’re safe…but I’d like to tease you a bit, anyway! ;D

I just told this story to Gailcalled in a PM, but…

Yesterday I was walking downtown, on my way to meet a friend. I passed this group of teenage girls. One of them was just standing there saying, “Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.” at her friend in a manner clearly intended to annoy and/or torture. It made me think of Gail. (Also, she looks great for her age! I mean, I really thought these girls were teens until I realized one of them was obviously Gail.)

I got another one, this is a joke, but I think it’s pretty good for a clean joke (I was reminded by the repetition of “Awesome in EmpressPixie’s story):

A guy is jumping up and down on a manhole cover, each time he jumps he says, “28”, he keeps repeating “28…28…28…” with one jump between each time he says “28”. A man approaces him and inquires, “what are you doing?” The jumper stops and says, “this is a great stress reliever, wanna try?” So the new guy gets on the manhole cover, starts jumping and saying, “28…28…28…” The first man then grabs the handle of the manhole cover while the jumper is in the air, pulls the cover away quickly, and the new guy falls into the sewer below. The man then replaces the cover, gets back on, starts jumping, and says, “29…29…29…”

So to cut a long story short. The end.

The other day my three year old grandson informed me he was pregnant. Kid’s are a never-ending fount of funny!

@DutchCat – you’re right. Kids are so innocent and humbling!

My three year old niece had gotten a new play makeup kit. She was going to be coming over to my house and I asked her if she wanted to bring it with her. She said “Sure! Want me to make you not ugly?” There was nothing I could do but laugh.

@DutchCat and @autumn43 that is so cute! I miss my kids being small and saying adoreable things.