Why Won't My Father Realize that Committing Offensive Behavior After He Joined AA Still Hurts Like Hell?

One of the pitfalls, in my mind, to AA is that it ignores the emotional causes for alcoholism. It does not encourage any therapy. Alcoholics are often self-medicating when they use alcohol.

Once they are sober, it is important that they look at the underlying emotional issues that contributed to their addiction. If they don’t, you end up with the “dry drunk.”

As you well know, one can’t talk to a drunk. Now that your dad is sober, would it be possible to tell him you are proud of his accomplishments, point out some of this behavior that is hurtful, and ask him if he would be willing to take it one step further and work with a therapist?

If not, being a recovering alcoholic is no excuse for bad behavior. He gets no breaks. Call him on it.

I can sympathize from out side the realm of alcoholism. My mother is losing her grip on reality, mentally. But now that we’ve talked her into going to therapy, now she’s feels like she has a free pass to act however she like. “I’m in therapy, what more do you want?? Rome wasn’t built in a day!”

I don’t have the answer, but you have my deepest sympathy. I’d say distance yourself as much as you can until he’s found a way to straighten out his own life. Then he may have permission to re-enter yours.

I too, drank like a fish for over 20 years. It was easier for people to blame my behavier on the beer can, instead of sorting out my real personality. 2 years sober, it’s like they are meeting me for the 1st time. There has to be a deep rooted problem with your Dad, ie; was he an abused child, raised by alcaholics… a hurt or anger that he harboring inside. My family and friends forgive me for my past behavier, and I am fortunate that they now take the time to try to understand why I do things the way I do, instead of tuning me out because I’m holding a loud mouthed beer can. Dig deeper. What happened in his past that makes him so bitter towards life?

@grasshopper
I’m not sure what your answer means? What happened in my Father’s past is his own problem, at least to a large degree; he’s had 66 years to work on that. I’d think by now, he’s had ample opportunity to work on that issue. Let me try to explain -

By nature I’m a very forgiving person. I don’t think I ever blamed his behavior on the “beer can.” For most of my childhood and young adult life I just blamed him and tried to sympathize and forgave him thinking that he was just a hurt man. Later on I saw that alcohol accentuated it, but it’s always been there. I was just under the impression that AA was all about not only making amends for past deeds and actions but fortifying your mind and body to help avoid exactly these types of situations in the present and future. Plus, what’s the incentive to continue with his 12-step recovery if not to be a better father, husband, brother and friend?

I really am at a loss here. Also, I contest the whole theory that there “must be a deep-seated problem with” my Dad. If my Dad is being a jerk, like I mentioned in the question, I shouldn’t have to try to take “the time to try to understand” why he does what he does. Life can’t be spent deciphering things – such as hostility – as if they’re some sort of code.

I know your answer is well-meaning, and I congratulate you on your sober-time, but being a jerk is being a jerk – in this case, in this argument I had with my Dad, it’s pretty cut-and-dry. Sometimes he’s an ass, he hurt my feelings and I’m left feeling like crap. And it just compounds with all the other crap he’s piled up like a stack of pancakes.

Damn, now as Homer S. put it “I’m angry. Angry and hungry.”

Back on topic: Sorry, it’s not my job, AA’s job, nor anyone else’s job to “dig deeper.” It’s his.

Alcohol distorts peoples logic and understanding. Over a period of time the chemicals in the mind that are induced by alcohol start becoming part of the persons pathelogical thinking. Its really hard to know wether they still love you or being a piece of shit was always apart of their personality(@jonfreed, i’m not trying to act like I know your situation, I just have some experience). All you can do is them back.

@AtSeDaEsEpPoAoSnA,

I think your last sentence was “love them back”? I do, although at times like these it’s very strained.

Anywho, I’m less angry now, but some pancakes really would be nice .see above

Actually just off to work. Thanks gang – I look forward to what other people add!

P.S.
@grasshopper:
Sorry if I was a jerk to you. I was still pretty amped up.
@Marina, I’d too agree that’s a major flaw of AA. If they want to see you get better (and truly I believe they do), I think they should promote all avenues and options.

@grasshopper – I think allowing an alcoholic’s behavior because of something that happened to them in their past is just further enabling. I was raised by two raging alcoholics. I drank for a short period of time in my young adulthood, but I decided early on I did NOT want to be like my folks and did not want to raise my child that way. I made a conscious decision to not drink. I understand all the theory that alcoholism is a disease, but I don’t buy that crap. Cancer is a disease. Leukemia is a disease. Alcoholism is a lack of self-control or self-restraint. I knew that I had the propensity to be an alcoholic since I was the offspring of two alcoholics. I simply refused to let my life go in that direction. If you want to stop an offensive behavior whether it’s drinking alcohol and just being an asshat, it is up to the individual to do something about it – it is not up to their family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances to walk on eggshells for fear of setting ‘em off. And it certainly isn’t their responsibility to try and “figure out” why they drink.

This is just my opinion, and I am not a therapist, counselor or addictions specialist. I just know my own experience.

And congrats to grasshopper on the two years of sobriety!!

Thank you very much, and I absolutely agree with all of you. I don’t agree with the disease theory, because I was one of the lucky ones who had top notch parents, so I can’t blame my actions on that. Also, VS, you’re a strong person for choosing a different path, because it would have been really easy for you to follow right along. When I said “dig deeper”, I wasn’t saying try to find a way to excuse his dads actions, or try to find a way to fix his problem. No one can change him but himself. I just know what kind of pain jonfreed is going through, because his dad sounds like my ex. My 2 grown kids have taken the route that bananafish suggested, and it solves the day to day problems, but it still hurts. I just figure the more they understand, the easier it will be. jonfreed, I didn’t take offense to you message. I get what you’re saying.