How do i tell my mother that I have suddenly realised I dont like her?

There’s no reason to be a child about it.
I remember when I was a teenager I told my mother that, and I still regret it..even though we’re extremely close now, I still hate that those words even left my mouth.
If you don’t like her, but love her, she probably feels the same way about you. And possibly thinks you’re ungrateful, especially if you don’t “like” your own mother.
I personally don’t go around telling everyone who I don’t like, that I don’t like them. Do you do that normally?

I’m not sure the rule book says you’re SUPPOSED to like your mother, especially if she nags you about things you SHOULD be doing but are not. Under those circumstances, you will NOT like your mother. Yet your mother might be a GREAT mother.

You don’t. Your opinions of your parents will likely wax and wane over the years, but such a comment will burn for many years. What purpose would it serve?

Don’t tell her. Why does it need to be said. “By the way mom, I don’t like you that much.” If you love her you’ll pretend to like her until you finally come to like her again. That just takes time (or that is what I hear)

Why tell her?

Long-term relationships are not based on “like”. “Like” is fickle.

Telling her you don’t like her isn’t something that would be informative nor constructive. It would just be mean.

Instead, why not focus on reinforcing the positive behavior you desire from her. Thank her when she does little things for you. Compliment her. Focus on what you do like.

What do you want to come from the situation?

You now know that you don’t like her. You can change your behaviour so that you minimize times you are around her or times you have to talk with her. There is no pressing need to outright tell her you don’t like her. Such a comment can cause a lot of pain and harm.

Basically, there is no reason for you to tell her, so don’t. You can, however, do something with your new realization, and that is to reduce time spent with her in the future. If over time she asks why you aren’t spending time with her, you can be honest, but don’t cross that bridge until you get there, there’s simply no need for it.

This question is oxymoronic.

If you didn’t like your mother, you wouldn’t care about her reaction, so you wouldn’t be asking how to tell her, you would just tell her, bluntly.

The fact that you’re asking shows that you do like her enough to want to withhold pain from her. So grow up and deal with whatever issues you have between you like two adults.

Nothing good will come if you tell. Your not supposed to like someone that is still holding on to telling you what to do in your life. It all comes from a place of love which is why deep down you love her. Certain things bother you i’m sure and if you can pinpoint those things maybe it might be better if you would sit down and say you know it bothers me that this happens or when you do this with specific examples of course. Not a flat out “I don’t like you” That hurt will stay with her and you’ll regret it the moment you say it.

What a wise group of jellies. I have nothing to add, I just wanted to compliment you all on your answers.

Youre all correct, no good will come of it. Thank you for your suggestions. Its funny though how most people assume mothers have done their utmost for their children. Unfortunately my mother hasn’t since I was 11, however being now 35 I should be able to forgive that, so I suppose that is the deeper issue.

Maybe the answer is to get her on the return flight and keep our future relationship telephone only and pretend everything is lovely and similar to the Waltons! (if youre old enough to remember that)

You don’t have to forgive her; that’s totally within your realm of control. You just need to come to terms with where you all are now. You also don’t need to pretend, you would just be better served with maintaining a peaceful coexistence, especially if you have that luxury of distance between you, geographically speaking. I think the Walton’s were wildly dysfunctional, for heavens sake – nobody ever left home! :)

How about, just as you’re about to tell her she says:

“Before you tell me, there’s something I have to tell YOU. Your father and I have felt this way for years. I’m sorry to tell you, we don’t like you. We like your sister but not you. Don’t get me wrong – we love you. We just don’t like you”.

How would YOU take it?

I’m not sure what is going on in your particular situation but telling her that you don’t like her will have lasting effects and even though right now you think it feels right to hurt her feelings, trust me in the long term you will regret what you say.

Instead of telling her that you don’t like her why don’t you both sit down and discuss what it is that you are both having issues with? Maybe she doesn’t realize whatever she is doing that is pissing you off. Likewise, if you dislike her at the moment she probably dislikes you too. Maybe, you are doing something that you don’t realize you are doing that is frustrating her.

Just work to a compromise. All relationships take work, the relationship with your mom is no different.

I dealt with a very similar situation with my mother for years.

When I was fourteen I realized she was not a very nice or stable person. For thirteen years I tried, in conjunction with my father, to work with her; get her to see that her actions were hurtful. It took an amazing amount of time and energy to deal with her.

Despite our best efforts, her behavior actually worsened over the years. Finally, after my dad died last year, she drew the line in the sand stating that she has no intention of changing. Take it of leave it. So I left it.

Now in my mom’s case there was pathological lies, deceipt, verbal abuse, manipulation, and violence.

Unless your mum’s behavior rises to or beyond that, I would agree with the advice above.
But only you can decide that.

Don’t.

Simmer down, drink some tea or something, she’s your mother, sheesh =\ she probably doesn’t like you either..

Just kill the bitch

@danid – One thing I have not mentioned is that I know well the situation you are in. My partner hates his mother, does not ever want to see her again and fully intends on never talking or communicating in any way ever under any circumstance whatsoever. As someone who loves their mother, I found it a bit shocking at first, but when I came to understand the things she had done, I respected my partner’s choice to cut the mother completely.

Some people in life are simply cancerous people. Not actually cancerous, but emotionally or physically they drain on you, leech off you, use you and kill you for their own gain. You are in full right to excise these cancerous people just as you would actual cancer. I fully respect your desire to do so. If this is what you wish to do, I highly recommend one last communication (via email or postal mail if you’d like) saying you will no longer be in communication for your own reasons. Tell her details if you want, don’t tell her if you don’t want to, but the best way to avoid bad blood is to do so in a respectful way of saying “Ok, this is the end between us for now, I may or may not contact you in the future. Please respect these wishes.”

don’t tell her. that would only make things worse. if she is visiting then that means she will be going home soon, or at least eventually, right?

a lot of people don’t get a long with their mums. if you love her just bite the bullet and put up with it for the time being.

when i was going through something like your situation with my mom (i was visiting her and it was just miserable), i made a decision that i could either let everything she did and said get to me and continue to be miserable, or i could let the things she said and did roll off my back like a drop of water.

my mom didn’t change but my situation improved and i was much less stressed. which lead to us getting along better than before :)

@danid, I had a period where I used time with my mother as a self-assessment of how consciously choose not to be like her. A lot of what makes my mother difficult was role casting handed to her by her parents, and by disappointments in her life.

@allen_o: and then there’s that option

If she’s only visiting – that’s understandable. People get on each other’s nerves no matter how much they might love someone. And I pretty much know my kids don’t like me at certain points – it’s in section 17, page 12,332 of the ‘Mom/Mum’ book.

Your Mum obviously will be going home at some point and you can go back to not liking her any way you want. You just don’t have to tell her about it.

The same way you will tell her you suddenly realize that you like her again.