How would you feel if your brother befriended your ex-husband on Facebook?

Was it a nasty divorce? I take it you are not on good terms, if this is bothering you.
I can see why it would upset you, I don’t think you should be crying over it though. You have moved on from your ex-husband, and are in a happy relationship now. Your brother remaining friends with him shouldn’t affect you. Are they hanging out, buddy-type friends, or just facebook friends?
I personally don’t see what the big deal is about Facebook i’ve even made a question on here regarding it So don’t get worked up about it.
I wish your brother weren’t so insensitive about it though. Did you calmly explain why it hurt your feelings?

I think there are a couple of variables that impact the situation. Was your brother close to your ex? Or were you their only common interest? Was it horrific marriage and divorce where you were devastated by his behavior?

My ex and I were married for 22 years and honestly if one of my brothers befriended him on facebook, or in real life, it wouldn’t bother me. I guess because he has been a member of the family for so long it just seems natural. However, ours was a pretty amicable break up (as amicable as a break up can be after 22 years of marriage) so my situation may be quite different from yours.

The bottom line is that this is your deal and if you have explained to your brother how much this hurts you, the right thing for him to do would be to remove him as a Facebook friend.

My husband’s sister is friends (on Facebook) with his ex. It aggravates him, only because she’ll want to discuss what is going on with his ex. He says he finds it disrespectful to me. Truly, I don’t care. He gets annoyed because he can’t stand his ex, she cheated on him and used him for money…she dragged out years of postponing starting a family only to announce that she was pregnant with her boyfriend’s baby, shortly after they divorced.

He just tells his sister that it’s a non-subject to him, do not discuss anything they talk about with him. He finds his sister immature, anyway and just counts this as part of her immaturity. big age difference between the two of them.

If it was my sister and m ex – I’d be annoyed, but I don’t think I’d be as upset as you are. It would bother me, but I would assume it was to keep channels of communication open, since he and I had a daughter, together. It certainly wouldn’t make things easy, but I generally don’t get worked up about issues dealing with him, anymore. Only if he has done some serious harm to my daughter.

Can you just let him know that you don’t want him to discuss anything about you, with your ex, and that you don’t want to hear about your ex?

When we were married my husband was very close friends with my male family members especially 2 uncles who were our age and a brother-in-law. When we broke up he remained friends and golfing buddies.with them. At the same time, his family included me in big family events, like weddings and funerals etc.

The only thing I regretted was he distanced himself from my Dad. They had been very close but after the divorce my ex would disappear if he ran into my Dad.

I don’t think you should make people take sides when you can’t make a relationship work. It’s not fair to place that burden on friends.

Your brother’s relationship with your ex is separate from your relationship with your ex. It’s not reasonable for you to expect them to not associate just because you split with your ex.

Shocked! I didn’t even know I had a brother.

or a husband, for that matter.

I am friends upon occasion with my brother’s first ex-wife. He has no problem with that in large part because we don’t talk about him, but rather about our own lives and our common careers (we are/were both museum curators). No one in the family is friends with his second ex, but she took a left turn from reality some years ago and is now a pod person. She is downright evil.

If I had an ex I wouldn’t mind if my brother were still friends with him. They, both my brother and the hypothetical ex, would both be adults and have the right to associate with each other if they want (and as long as neither of them have become convicted felons on parole). However, I would expect them not to discuss me, and I would expect my brother not to discuss my ex with me the majority of the time.

We were only together 3 years and they weren’t close. My ex is 34 and my brother is 23. They have no common interests and little common history. Basically, they weren’t really friends before so why are they alll of a sudden friends? The reason I’m upset is because my brother is showing zero concern for my feelings in the subject. He is being defiant and rude and frankly, that’s hurts more.

Ah, so the issue is more of you brother than his relationship with your ex.

Edited to add:
I’m slow tonight…can you tell?

All you can do is talk to your brother and really tell him that it hurts you that he is not considering your feelings; however, that is about all you can do. What he does next, is up to him. Then you need to decide is it really worth your time?

Sometimes, people do things that hurt you – but they might not really understand how it hurts you. They truly see no issue. This may be one of those times. You might need to be willing to just let this go – and pay very little attention to what he is doing.

It might be better for your sanity, too.

@casheroo Ditto about facebook. I am very close to my siblings but I can’t imagine wasting my time looking on a site where they are communicating with their friends. And I don’t get the idea of communicating with family members on a public place. If you want to leave a quick message there is email or a voicemail. If you really want to have a meaningful conversation you have to go face to face or at least a phone call.

@cak Yes

@essieness That reminds me of my husband and one of his sisters. When he first broke up with his girlfriend, he couldn’t understand why his sister would still communicate with her, or remain friends on myspace or facebook. It was a long, drawn out break up though..and she had gotten his mother involved, so he just wanted to be rid of the situation completely. I think, over time, things can change.
After the details you gave, maybe he just wants a high friend count? Some people actually care about that sort of thing. Or, he’s being rude to you on purpose..which is not cool.

i can see it bothering you, but try not to take offense to it. i don’t know anything about your brother’s relationship with your ex, but maybe they did just really hit it off. besides, facebook friend requests don’t necessarily have to lead to anything but seeing their little status updates every day. i’ve added a few people on facebook that i hardly even like, but just out of curiousity. maybe that’s the case; maybe your brother isn’t interested in being actual friends with him, just another person on his facebook.

though i definitely think he should pay more attention to your side of it, and i’m sorry he isn’t. \=

I apologize for my spelling errors, I’m on my iPhone. And kinds upset so not thinking completely clearly.

@galileogirl: I use my facebook to keep in touch with my brothers because they both live on the other coast, and one has two kids and a busy law career, which keep him busy. I can see pictures of my nephews and get quick updates on his life without having to bother him all the time, which we then discuss when we do speak on the phone or whatever. There’s nothing wrong with being on a social networking site with family members. Besides, if we both have facebook, doesn’t it make sense for us to be friends rather than not?

Thanks everyone. I guess I’ll let it ride and hopefully my brother will see that he’s hurt my feelings. Dwelling on it will only make ME feel worse. They obviously don’t care.

@TitsMcGhee I think every situation is different. My parents just joined, and my mother is constantly im’ing me on that Facebook IM feature…she lives right up the street from me! And we talk on the phone every day. It’s cute, but silly. I do have relatives on my Facebook that I never see…they get to see pictures of my son. It works for everyone in a different way :)

Update: my brother just sent me a text saying “I’m sorry ifvi hurt your feelings and I still love you.”

So, guess I don’t have to let it ride too long :)

@casheroo: I guess I would just find it strange if I wasn’t friends with my relatives on facebook while knowing that they had accounts. I can’t really see a downside to it.

Yay for brothers who have second thoughts!

@tits This situation might count as a downside LOL

@TitsMcGhee I don’t remember saying there was anything wrong with it, that was your leap. I just don’t get having private conversations in public. And looking at other’s communications can cause just the problem this thread is about. “You can’t like someone I don’t like and if you do you will hurt my feelings” Junior high redux.

@gallileogirl Wow, thanks.

@essieness – good brother! I’m glad he sent you the message. :)

@essieness I completely understand where you’re coming from. My brothers did that to me (not on facebook or whatever but in real life) with two different exes. I felt hurt that a friendship with someone was more important than family. I guess I expected my brothers to feel my hurt and “stick up” for me in a way.
I’ve learned my brothers don’t understand how I feel, and it has strained our relationship.
I know if someone hurt my brother really bad, I wouldn’t need them to be a close friend anymore. Of course I would be polite and friendly but blood comes first.

My younger daughter is friends on FB with her sister’s exboyfriend, and he emails me on occasion. They dated for 5 years, and he was part of the family. He’s moved from BF to family friend. My younger daughter took their break-up really hard, because he was like an older brother and a big part of her high school memories.

My ex and I divorced after 28 years, but I didn’t divorce the rest of his family. I’m still involved in my former brother-in-law’s life and family stuff. My dad still speaks with my ex. As @SuperMouse said, they’ve been part of the family for so long you can’t just remove them.

My daughter had been dating her ex for 8 years. He and I still communicate because we still care about each other. However, we don’t post it on the internet for the world to see. Daughter knows and is okay with it

It’s part of dealing with the sky-high divorce rate. I’d never expect my family or friends to turn their backs on my ex after all those shared years, or they wouldn’t be the sort of friends that I would want in the first place.

I am not friends with a certain relative (aunt) on Facebook. Luckily this in law seems to be wise enough to not make an issue out of it, otherwise she’ll get an honest (and blunt) answer as to why she is not a Facebook friend when most of my other relatives are.

Facebook and other social media are bringing up a lot of new social questions very quickly. People are finding what is appropriate and what is not, some people are getting fired from jobs or harming the criminal case they’re involved in because of what they post. And of course no one really knows what is or is not “right” to do in such situations. The best I do in such situation is accept that Facebook and all social tools are used differently by different people, as such there is no logical reason to take offense over someone choosing to not have you as a Facebook friend or not, because their reason is likely not my reason for not having a friend etc. But that person has a right to control who sees the information they post on Facebook, and if they choose to do so by means of unfriending, so be it.

It depends, in my mind.

Were your brother and your ex friends before you two became an item? In that case, it is a separate relationship.

Or did they become good friends during your marriage and socialize together sometimes without you? Again, I don’t think you can fault their continuing connection.

Best thing is to try to tell yourself it is not really about you.

If you and your brother are very close, then I would think it would be fair to expect him not to do it. I am afraid that it sounds from his response that that is not the case.

We can’t really ever control other people’s actions. You could ask your brother to reassure you that he will not discuss you with your ex. (Chances are he won’t anyway since they are guys).

Hah! For a couple of years, I’ve been getting emails saying someone wants to be my friend. Thinking they were some spam thing I just delete them. So maybe I’ve been committing faux pas, what a giggle.

I would be fuming! And hurt. Your brother must know how you feel about your ex and should respect that if he cares about you. I would make sure he at least doesn’t talk about any info about your ex if you don’t want to hear about it—tell him to keep that stuff to himself. Ask him how he would feel if the situation was reversed.

My ex husband and I run into each other in a few places online, we are best friends so it’s hard not to. My brothers and sisters have always been very fond of him and I have to respect that as well as friendships he’s maintained with other people I’m not close to anymore.

This must be a new proverbial boot “delete friend” era! Don’t feel too bad. I had a sister and brother-in-law do this to me recently after my mother gave me her house. When money comes between family it’s really sad and deleting family as friends on FB is so very immature and pathetic. I am so over the Facebook thing and ready to quit it all together. So try not to take it bad. Showing any sign of it upsetting you is the worst thing you can do. So shedding tears is a waste of your positive energy and is exactly what you called it “crap”. Good luck & don’t worry about it.

My brother is friends with my ex boyfriend doesn’t brother me. I’ m over it.

This situation is such a double standard and is comical to me. I am a new wife and my husband’s family stays in touch with his ex-wife, sends gifts on holidays, ect… All the while she has been manipulative, cruel, and down right nasty to my husband and I ( we haven’t done anything to her nor did I break up the marriage- she just didn’t want him too move on) using her child as leverage to manipulate relationships with his family so she feels in control. YET, my husbands sister is getting a divorce and her soon to be ex husband has treated her just as awful and he is the “father” of their child. He doesn’t get cards, baskets on holidays, regular phone calls, ect., because his sisters feelings somehow trump my husbands. Why wouldn’t her ex get the same treatment as his ex “for the benefit of the child”? This double standard is insane to me that somehow just because you are a woman, it is in the “best interest of the child” to keep a relationship when they are down right awful but not if you are a man ( the father). I say if you want to preach about keeping close relations for “the child’s sake”, well you better not be a complete hypocrite and you better do the same with the ex husbands of your daughters as well. Otherwise, you are sexist and hypocritical.

When my husband and I separated after 25 years of marriage, my sister, who I considered my best friend, was texting, calling him and having him over for dinner behind my back for months. I found out and there was a huge blowup. I haven’t talked to my ex or my sister for over a year. She actually tried to fix him up with her friend. Now, she says “get over it”. They still continue their relationship today. To me, this was the ultimate act of betrayal, especially since they both lied about it. To be honest, my ex is no great loss. But, I was shocked at my sisters behavior. There is nothing worse that being hurt and having the one who hurt you, tells you when to get over it. I don’t think I ever will.