How can I gently tell someone who thinks he's really charming that he is actually really creepy?

Can you tell us a little more about your connection to him and how you happen to be in a position to (maybe) tell him this? It seems to me that the “how” will be rooted in your relationship to him more than in anything about his behavior.

just tell him the truth, sometimes being blunt is the only way someone truly gets the message.

Why would you mix into this? It seems like a recipe for trouble.

If you feel it your duty as a friend, you could try coaching him, but he has to be open to it. Your question details seem to indicate that he would not be.

put the phrase “ladies” at the end of everything you say, and tell him he sounds like that.

@Jeruba he is my ex-husband. He wants to meet a woman and start a relationship very, very badly, but he just doesn’t know how to behave on a date. He is a very nice guy and a very gentle soul, but has zero concept of how to interact with others. Throughout our marriage I just kind of laughed it off but now that he is in the dating world, every time one of his potential relationships goes south he blames me, loses his mind and starts yelling at me.

@supermouse be blunt with him, cause thats dumb to blame you for his problems. He also needs to grow up.

OK, exhusband is different. Set up a time to talk to him when you will both be calm and unstressed and meet in a neutral place.

Pull together what you are going to say in advance. Try to avoid anger triggers such as “You statements”. For example, “You never get a second date because you use these phony lines.” Not good.

Instead, start by telling him that you want him to find someone and be happy. Then say that your have some feedback that might help him re-enter the dating world, but only if he wants to hear it and if you both agree in advance not to stray off topic and not to get angry.

If he says yes, phrase it in non-threatening ways so that he does not get defensive. Say something like:

“I have noticed that when you meet someone new, you use a pickup line rather than being your charming self.”

“Women are charmed by men who ask them about themselves and really listen to them. Letting your date talk first makes it easier to pick up a cue on something the two of you may have in common.”

“Women like guys who takes thing slow at the beginning.”

You get my drift. Whatever the advice is you really want to give.

Another successful technique is to start by telling him about awkwardness when you started dating and how you overcame it.

Good luck.

Your solution is in buying him a gift. This will really help him.

Sounds like his ego is too big to accept your own words as help. He’ll probably just take offense. So, get him this book and he can do his own research and come up with new amazing ideas on his own. Be supportive though.

Okay, okay. I get the hint.

I’m baffled by how he thinks his post-divorce dating woes are your fault. And feels the need to yell at you.

He hasn’t earned you advice, he’s earned a swift kick in the ass, IMHO.

Given his behavior, I’m voting for blunt.

This is no longer your issue. Giving him advice about his relationship trouble, telling him you want him to be happy, and getting involved in his personal life at all convey that you have some interest in him personally. You are not far enough on the other side of a divorce to have that kind relationship. Right now you’re business partners, charting the best course for the future of your children. When he tries to take his unhappiness out on you, walk away. Don’t get tangled back up in it.

If he’s anything like me he won’t even pay attention until he get’s the first restraining order.

There’s no restraining this fella, ladies.

bah.. don’t listen to the mean people. you know what it’s like to feel frustrated and not know what’s going on. often we blame the wrong person not knowing what else to do and not realizing how harmful we are being.

help him where you can. he’s miserable enough as is.

once he knows the deal, he’ll not only do better on dates, but he’ll treat you and everyone else he knows better too.

@ninjacolin, it’s not about being mean, it’s about moving on from a bad situation. Help him out where she can would mean decent communication and that’s not reality. Time for the ex to accept personal responsibility for how he interacts with others and his own happiness.

Not. Her. Issue. Anymore.

It is really caring of you to want to help your ex. He sounds like such a strange combination. I believe that people are overconfident (think they are smooth) because of insecurity. It’s a feedback cycle, because whatever he does doesn’t work, so he doubts himself more, and then he has to overcompensate by pretending even more.

When things don’t work for him, he gets angry at you, because you are a convenient scapegoat. Still you want to be gentle with him. Can he get it? Can you even offer him advice that will work? What are his good qualities?

@gimmedat, tell me.. how is he suppose to learn to communicate decently without someone making the sacrifice to help him to learn how to communicate decently?

all those dates who don’t go out with him again.. they are all doing exactly what you’re saying. picture it: they go on a date, the girl thinks “wow this guy acts like an asshole. i’m getting out of here.” and then she’s gone.

what does he learn from this experience? nothing. he’s left dumb-founded. he needs help not abandonment. he needs to know what he’s doing wrong.

@SuperMouse – Out of curiosity, if he is so bad at impressing the ladies and getting a second date, what did he do to win your hand originally?

Can you introduce him to people who might like his approach?

@ninjacolin, what I’m getting at is that if, after 20+ years together, mouse was able to communicate the berevity of the issues and have them satisfactorily resolved, without divorce, communication would not be an issue. I know a lot of the history, SuperMouse is my sister. This man does not, has not, and will not value her communication attempts. Any interest she invests will be interpreted as an opportunity for reconciliation, which isn’t going to happen. If he’s socially inept, it’s time for him to figure that out, whether it takes 20 or 337849 dates.

@Darwin, I’ll jump in and say that at 18, when the two of them met, life with him had a lot more appeal than what mouse had going on.

@gimmedat – Then I vote with the folks that say let him hoist himself on his own petard.

@gimmedat oh! well, this makes for a great illustration then.

i mean.. i had no idea before that post that you were so intimately involved. now my behavior in response to the question will necessarily be modified as a result of the new information.

and that’s all i’m saying this guy needs as well. he needs new information to work with. when people learn new things, they necessarily act differently. No one ever acts against their PERCEIVED best interest. He has to come to know that there is other things he should be interested in.. he has to come to know that there is a better way to act that will result in his own pleasure.

I stand by what i said.. he can’t learn without learning. Abandonment alone won’t teach him anything. He needs advice to get better. Neglect has no power to educate. Imagine a baby who is neglected. Will it ever learn to communicate with other humans around him fluently?

Anyway, sounds like there is more to the story. Take the advice with a grain of salt.

But another idea could be that maybe you should be the one to talk to him.. as another man, as an intervention. That way it’s not left up to your sister and maybe he will take the advice more seriously. I agree with you, if she’s been trying this for years already then absolutely.. mouse, you can’t keep doing whatever you’ve been doing to help. Something NEW has to happen that he can learn from.

I’ve also tried talking to him…behavior is CREEPY. I won’t get into details, but suffice it to say, dude doesn’t get it. He’s one of those people who believe life just happens to him, not that he makes it what he wants it to be.

@SuperMouse
every time one of his potential relationships goes south he blames me, loses his mind and starts yelling at me.
It sounds like you’re too involved with this guy still. He is your ex-husband right? Detach from him is my best advice. The relationship didn’t work when you lived with him. What makes you think it’s going to work now in trying to fix him?

Maybe, the problem is you are gentle. Sounds like this guy is a jerk trying to get under your skin. Apparently, he doesn’t respect women feelings or himself.

@eponymoushipster: Win!

“You’re a creep.”

Given all the information here, this is what I’d do:

Next time he blames you and starts in on the yelling, very calmly say, “Perhaps, if you weren’t such an asshat and didn’t feel the need to blame others for your problems, you would take a look at yourself. It is there that you will find the answer to both your problems and your solutions. Good day, sir.” Turn, and walk away. Refuse to engage any further. Lather, rinse, repeat.

next time he fails in a relationship and starts blaming you… camly ask him “How IS the weather up your own ass?” ... being blunt is the only way to know his ego down long enough for anything to get through…

Plus.. blaming your ex-wife for your crappy luck with women is childish… once again @SeventhSense is right… you two need to head to the nearest airport and get on planes going in opposite directions.

bring up George from Seinfeld, and then say something about how this guy reminds you of george and when he says how? say well you know how george is really tight with money.. well you are too. and there you are. thats how you break the ice on this cheap fella =)

Link him to this thread. I’m serious, why not? He’ll get the message.

I keep thinking about your idea of being gentle. I wonder if this is possible, and if possible, if it can be effective. I think it is noble to want to not hurt him, and it is generally a better strategy, when teaching someone, to take an encouraging approach.

I just don’t see how you can be that person. You are too close. You have been too intimate. You are broken apart and there must be bad feelings. How can he take advice from you?

Sad as I am to say this, because I know that despite what has gone between you, and maybe you have children, too, I think you should consider letting him go. Try not to be tied up with him any more than necessary. Sometimes the gentlest thing is to be the hardass.

^^ agree with richardhenry! but when this dude says: “WHAT?! How am I a creep?!” You better have a meaningful answer for him… and on that note.. he better not doubt you.

Give me his number, I’ll take care of it. : )