How should I handle guys yelling aggressive sexual comments at me when I walk or jog through town?

IGNORE. They want a reaction from you, so don’t give it. If it’s the same bunch every day, you have no choice but to either find another way of getting where you want to go or find someone to go with you. Sad, but true. How is it coming home at night?

I worry about you taking back roads. You need to be where the PEOPLE are.

Yes, it has happened to me. I usually just ignore them. It’s best to just ignore it. And if I were you, I’d avoid the back roads. Stay where there are some people about. I live in a small town, too, and there’s no way I’d go to the back roads. Pretend you don’t hear them. It’s terrible to deal with, but these people are like young siblings. They get bored if you ignore them. They are looking for a reaction.

It has happened to me. I’m not that offended by it. Usually it’s just guys showing off for their friends. If it’s extremely vulgar or disrepectful, I would suggest calling the police. Write down the license plate if they drive by you. Maybe a warning from the cops will cool them off.
Don’t walk on back roads, you are putting yourself in a place where you could get hurt. Stay in places where others see you. Don’t be embarrassed because it’s not your fault some people don’t have manners. The most important thing is to stay safe.

Ignore them. If they get too close or too creepy, bring out the mace and give one (and only one) warning to back off.

You have the right to walk in your town and feel safe while doing so. Sometimes you just need to assert yourself if your rights are infringed.

My partner (a male with long black hair) is sometimes yelled at by passerbys in cars, recently he was called a faggot and had napkins thrown at him (I have no idea why this is, my best guess is guys think he’s a girl and are ashamed when they see he’s a man). He retaliates by keeping a rock in his pocket, and throws it at the car. While I don’t really advocate this, it sure did help when we were randomly egged while out for a walk. (The best part of that story was when I got the kids hauled in to the police station, where they proceeded to cry like little girlies and begged to be not charged.)

Yes, this has happened to me. And it sucks sometimes! sometimes though, I take it as an ego-boost.
It sounds like you’re blaming yourself a bit. Don’t! Guys (and girls) can be asses. It’s not your fault that they don’t know how to keep their thoughts to themselves or treat people appropriately.
Keep your head high, and like Mr. M said, stay by people.

Whenever I mention this to people, it seems like others are merely annoyed, while I am disturbed to the core.

I understand that I should ignore them, and I do. But for me, the larger implication is so hard to ignore. I can turn my head when it happens on the street, but later at night I am still thinking about it.

Thank you for the concern about walking on back roads. Really, the only ones I use here are less-traveled residential roads, but I will be more careful to stay off those at night.

Like it or not, you may HAVE to stop walking through your town.

@Mr_M , for my own sanity, yes. It’s safe enough, but it’s starting to bother me too much.

Oh, but I love walking! And I hate the idea of stopping because of these men. I wish I had a large dog to accompany me on these walks.

@juniper – the number one concern is of course your safety. I take comfort in knowing that not responding contributes significantly to the interaction ending then and there, as opposed to if I had a wisemouth comment for the guy and the guy decided to become aggressive.

I also take comfort in not caring about what random people say to me. What does it matter what a stranger thinks of me? Their thoughts are insignificant and petty, and using a brain cell’s worth of my energy contemplating them is a waste of effort. I know I am better than they are, for I don’t have to make myself feel better by saying comments to strangers.

@juniper I don’t want to scare you more but you don’t want to be in a situation where YOU leave the house at the same time every day and THEY leave the house the same time every day such that they EXPECT to see you and look “forward” to seeing you and bothering you. And if, by chance, they notice you are walking a different way to work, that’s the worse thing that could happen. That will tell them they scared you which is what they want. Honestly, the situation is not great.

Kick him in the balls!!!!

Varying your walking route is a great strategy to avoid repeat offenders. Having a walking buddy also helps reduce the comments. Having an air horn, whistle, or mace as a last resort is extremely wise.

Have you considered carrying mace or taking a self-defense class?
Knowing basic self-protection skills might help you feel more comfortable despite men being jerks.

Do you have any enormously large gentlemen friends who could walk with you periodically? Preferably someone of the class of people who can’t put his arms down at his side because his muscles are too large? I’m being facetious, but seriously. Maybe once or twice a week you could have someone else walk with you. That may be a deterrent for these asses.

@dynamicduo, yes, that’s true. I suppose it doesn’t hurt my feelings so much as makes me sad about the whole situation.

@Mr M, it’s not the same people every day, it’s guys driving by. They never stop, they just lean out of the car and yell. If they were on the street or coming physically close to me, I would not feel safe.

@juniper , take consolation in one thing…you must be incredibly pretty that guys do this.

Jog with an iPod, or other mp3 device, not hearing the inappropriate commentary to begin with will certainly make it easier to handle, and that way you don’t have to actively ignore them. I definitely agree with many of the other posters here: vary your routes but keep to populated areas, find a friend to exercise with or even a pet (I have a rather intimidating dog that I take for runs/walks..and that has certainly helped in discouraging negative attention).

I certainly wish you good luck with this situation, and I hope the problem desists!

@Mr_M, I don’t think this has much to do with looks. I think it has to do with the feeling of being able to shout something gruff from a fast-moving car to a woman and knowing there will be no repercussions. And possibly, knowing that you have some power that she does not have. Ugh. That’s what chills me.

Not too long ago, I honked my car horn at another car. A girl on the sidewalk thought I was honking at her, and gave me the finger!!!

ugh. I’m sorry to hear that. Ignore them if you can. Nothing quite like objectification to try to look more important than you are. These guys are clearly insecure with themselves.

Buy some taser guns/mace and you should be fine, if you have a cell phone take it out as to make the impression you talk to someone or dial the cops.

By being upset and reacting to their childish behavior you are just giving them what they want. A big dog, male friend, mace, whatever isn’t going to stop them from yelling shit. I bet they drive around and yell at every single girl they see, not just you. It’s not personal. It’s just dumb guys doing dumb things. By letting it upset you, you are giving them power. There are many assholes in the world, unfortunately.

One other thing good would be having a police logo t-shirt wherever you go running.
Maybe they would think twice of doing anything.They’d think you were training for your job.

@elijahsuicide, I completely agree with you on that. But I also think there is a difference than letting something upset you on a personal level and letting something upset you on a larger social scale.

I feel that this is a topic that is easily dismissed in our society. I wish more people would discuss it. Maybe then we wouldn’t be so quick to accept this kind of behavior as childish, and not question whether it’s something more, something that should be recognized and fought against. (...Usually when I get to this point in the conversation people look at me like I’m crazy. I’m not. I just yearn for equal and kind treatment of the sexes.)

I don’t want to start something up with guys on the street. But I want to figure out why this happens so often. And why it mostly seems to happen to women.

http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/ll173/wisgrog/output-3.gif

@juniper – Mostly it’s a power trip for such men. I’ve gotten catcalled since I was 11 years old. It’s part of the deal of being female.

A few years ago, some guy got in my face on the street and asked, “Why don’t you smile for me, baby? ‘cause you too fine to frown!” I looked him in the eye and said, “My mom died yesterday, ASSHOLE!” Which was true; the person who I considered most like a mother to me had died the day before. You should’ve seen how quickly he ran away.

That little encounter taught me that when men make those remarks at women, even when they think they’re making a compliment, it is ultimately about how they feel and their egos. Ignore them as best you can, and don’t take it personally, because why they do it has nothing to do with you. You happen to be a convenient target and I’m certain you are not the only woman they make such remarks to. Don’t give them the satisfaction of showing that what they say bothers you.

Pull out an artificial wang. That’s sure to shut them up.

I don’t where you live, but it sounds horrible. Of course, I have experienced this. Is there a woman alive who has not?

If it is an isolated incident ignoring it is the proper response, but you are describing a disturbing pattern.

I think you need to get your community to rally around on this issue. Too often decent folk just stay quiet.

I suggest writing a letter to the editor. Ask if it has happened to other women. Ask decent men to think about what if that was their daughter or sister or mother?

This is, in effect, an assault. Assault does not have to involve physical contact. You could also report it to the police, but don’t let that become a further victimization.

@Marina, regarding the letter to the editor: great idea. Thank you for understanding the potential seriousness of this issue. It comforts me so much to see that someone else might deem this worthy of a greater discussion, too.

And the fact that I can talk about this on Fluther and receive helpful suggestions from many people is so very positive. Often, when I try to talk to acquaintances about this, I’m just met with an awkward shrug.

Thank you, everyone.

@juniper: When I see men doing this (and it’s usually construction workers sitting by the sidewalk eating their lunches, or else they are sitting on a beam up in the air), I have a complicated set of feelings. Sometimes they just watch her, and every man’s head swivels exactly the same. Other times they catcall. The women usually put their heads down, tighten their arms to their sides, and pick up their pace.

As a guy who is fairly well educated, and who has been around feminists a lot in his life, I know that some women see this as aggressive, even violent, and certainly misogynistic. I can certainly see how it would be the first two, for I get scared when I see it, too. Who wouldn’t? I mean, there you are all alone, and there’s a gang of men staring at you?

Here’s the other side of the picture. When I see a beautiful woman, the first thing that happens is a fantasy of me and her screwing like mad. The second that happens is the realization that this is never going to happen, not even if I was the only guy on the planet. Then, I start to feel angry, because I feel like I have been made smaller. Women, it seems, have all the power in this world.

Now I’m aware that that sounds crazy to women (and probably to men, too), but you have something we want more than anything else. Many of us would do all day every day, if we could. And it is an ego thing, in the sense that you feel like you have power because the women like you enough to put out for you. We all crave higher status, and so I don’t think the ego thing is a bad thing.

So, the next thing in my mind is, ‘boy, I wish I could approach her and make a connection that will lead to you-know-what.’ But again, it is countered by the folly of that. (By the way, this is also the issue that explains why men are always looking for or trying out pick-up lines. We have this magical belief that we can win you over with just the right line—well, some of us do; others know better).

So she’s hot, you can’t have her, you’re very disappointed, and then you get a little mad, and then, especially when you’ve got your buddies around for support, you can make your suggestive body movements and catcalls, and you can all feel a little better because you’ve taken back a little of that lost power.

At least, that’s my theory. I think some of us are educated enough or empathetic enough or polite enough, or gentlemanly enough to know how this feels to a woman, and so we hold back. But I’ll bet a significant portion of the men who don’t say anything, are still looking (which they might try to hide), and still wishing to be the alpha male who gets all the chicks.

I’m sorry that it happens, because it’s a lose-lose situation. The men don’t get what they want, and the women are hurt emotionally and, I suppose, sometimes, hurt physically. There are times when I wish I weren’t affected so strongly by the sight of a beautiful women, especially if she’s showing a lot of skin. I don’t want to be rude. But, damn! That’s one hot chick!

@daloonagain Thank you for honestly portraying the male viewpoint on how this works. There seems to be a real thread of truth there. It is so utterly alien to the way that women think and feel that it is not something we would ever instinctively understand.

The other aspect of this is how women feel when this happens and they are alone. If it is broad daylight and there are lots of people around and the level does not escalate beyond “Hey, baby,” or whistles, then she may be able to laugh it off.

If it is dark, if it is a lonely stretch of road, we feel physically threatened. Men have superior physical strength and could, in most cases, overpower a woman. The idea of a pack of men, a mob, all jeering is literally terrifying.

I get the instinct, but aren’t we as civilized people supposed to at least attempt to overcome those instincts?

“Virile” males think mostly with something other than their brain…. just the way it is, sorry. Not sure what the answer is in your situation, small town behavior is pretty harmless though.

If you called them out on their catcalls would that maybe end it?? Most guys are pretty brave from a distance but when called to task run like a chicken.

Not sure you should do this, but I wonder what would happen if you walked up to them, and told them how it makes you feel. They might not show it, being ashamed of hurting you, but they might stop doing it. It would be an interesting experiment, but I’m not suggesting you do it.

@daloonagain – Yeah, thanks for being honest. To think about trying to get sex all the time is a completely alien concept to me as well. I admit to being a little squicked, though, that my 4’ 1” child’s body at 11 was engendering such thoughts in grown men. :/

@daloonagain, thank you for answering so honestly. I’ve never considered that perspective before. It’s very helpful for me to understand this aspect of the situation.

You seem to be describing this behavior as automatic reaction, which I understand. Do you think that if these men knew how women sometimes react to their remarks (with fear, with anger, with shame), that they might be able to subdue themselves? I know that not every woman is bothered by this, but I also know that I’m not the only one. Maybe men don’t realize how strong they can come across.

@juniper I hope you don’t think I am dismissing your concern. I agree that there are times that warrent action. I also just realize that in a way (a weird way) men are just giving a compliment. If a few guys across the street yell “Hey baby lookin’ good!” I can smile, wave, and say “Thanks guys!”. I feel good being noticed, they feel good for being responded to, and it’s all in good fun. If I know for sure the men are trying to scare me, or threaten me in any way, then I obviously wouldn’t take it so lightly.

You can NOT interact with them. They will interpret ANYTHING you say as your LIKING their cat calls. If you look at them, they will interpret the expression on your face as a smile.

But elijah IS right. I will honk at an attractive woman (and even NOT so attractive women to make them feel good).

And I don’t even drive. Maybe THAT explains the strange reactions I get?

@elijahsuicide, no I certainly don’t think you are. I think you’re right about men feeling that they’re complimenting a woman when they yell, as backwards as that is to me. I wonder why they feel this is appropriate or generous? There are so many other ways…

It’s interesting: I can’t imagine these guys saying these things to my face. Or waiting for a response. They just yell and they’re gone, shielded by that moving car.

@juniper I doubt most of these guys would have the balls to say it to our faces, first of all because they know deep inside we don’t put much value in cat calls, and secondly most guys aren’t as tough when they aren’t getting high 5’s from their goofy buddies.

If you really like jogging, maybe there’s a gym you can go to. Find out if there is a gym close by and use their running machines. You would be indoors and if any guy makes comments that you deem offensive, you could report them to the people working at the gym. If there isn’t a gym in your small town, then just ignore those idiots. Just do what you do and if it gets worse, then report them to the police. Good luck to you.

I don’t think you should let yourself be chased from your route. You have just as much right to the street as they do. I think the issue of approaching them depends on who they are, who you are, the vibe of the situation, and more. It’s a call only you can make.

We’ve seen that men are, pardon the expression, pussies when the women confront them. Who has the balls there? Huh? Personally I think that, oddly enough, pussies have more balls than balls have balls. But that’s just me. Confidence is crucial, though.

You didn’t really describe the situation very well. Are there class differences? Race differences? What do you wear? Where are you going? These things can all play a role in what happens.

@daloonagain, here are some more details: I live in a small college town, where I am a teacher. This problem usually occurs, weirdly enough, while I’m walking to class. I wear dress pants, flats, and glasses. I do NOT look sexy! When I jog I just wear shorts and a tee-shirt. Again, not sexy, especially with the glasses and messy hair. ;)

Class and race differences aren’t really a part of it. The offenders are overwhelmingly college students. Undergrads. I live on one of the main drags of town, so lots of people drive on the road I take. I now walk with traffic, instead of against it, even though the sidewalk is all broken and funky on that side. Ugh.

“Pussies have more balls than balls have balls.”
I lurve you @daloonagain.

Is it an all-male college? Are there a lot of fraternities? Are you walking down fraternity row? Why are these boys hanging out like this?

@elijahsuicide: Yeah, it was really funny when I thought of it, so I couldn’t resist including it. Some women don’t like being referred to as pussies, for it is demeaning to turn a person into a body part, but this way I could be an equal opportunity demeaner.

@juniper ,for how many blocks are you enduring the cat calls?

I think it’s a power trip. You hold the power at school while they have to be quiet and respectful. When they see you on the street, yelling things to you is their way of getting back their manhood. You and I know it’s not a great plan, but in their boy minds it is.

@daloonagain, it’s a coed, state school. And I avoid walking by the frat houses. The guys who yell are not hanging out, they are driving by. I’m walking; they’re driving. I think that is the crux of the problem.

@juniper , can your husband not take you in?

I’m not married. Also I’m 25, not exactly an old school marm. ;)

@juniper , sorry, I thought I read in another question about a husband and baby.

Wow! Drive by harassment. That’s a toughy for me. Obviously, they wouldn’t say this to your face. They can say what they wish and drive away.

I think that you have to jujitsu it. You can’t fight directly against it. Some kind of leading them to follow their move so much, that they trip over their own feet. I’m thinking, and I don’t know if you could carry this off, that you should give right back to them.

“Hey Good Looking.” A big air kiss. Big smile. Maybe a wink. The whole “is that a pickle in your pocket, or are you glad to see me.”

I’ll bet they’ll have no idea what to do. However, if they do stop, this gives you the chance to go serious and educate them. Let them know how it feels to be harassed like this. Do they want their sisters or mother to be harassed like this? How would they like it, if they had to walk around in chaps, with their privates sticking out, and all the women could make comments? Ooooh. That’s so tiny! Isn’t it cute? \

These guys are dickless wonders that they have to be in the safety of two tons of steel in order to say anything to a woman. God, you should feel sorry for them, not bothered. They probably haven’t done anything more than grunt to the women they’ve gone out with. Can you spell L O S E R?

If you say these things, totally confident in who you are, and your value, it’ll come across to them (should they stop), and they won’t know what to do.

Alternatively, it might become a jokey thing. You smile and wink, and everyone understands we’re just playing. No harm, no foul.

You can let this get to you, or you can see this as an opportunity to develop some good coping skills. Try stuff. Whatever you feel comfortable with. Think of it as a game.

ANyway, that’s my brainstorming for the day. It won’t bother me if you don’t use it or think it’s crap. I’m just dumping ideas.

I REALLY think this kind of stuff ONLY works in the movies.

I ignore it, but if someone really pisses me off..I stop and confront them and ask them why on earth would they say such a thing to a stranger, let alone any woman.
I think some men need to learn manners, and obviously they were never taught them.
I’m sorry you have to go through that. It’s not your fault.

Back in the “good old days” when I was a cute young thing, and before I was old enough to be your mother, I used to walk 8 blocks back and forth from my college to work, sometimes several times a day. There was a lot of construction going on, and I would get a lot of catcalls and really crude comments from the construction workers. There was a homeless guy that hung out in one spot on a regular basis, who I would say hi to, and occasionally give some money to. One day, the workers were hooting and hollering at me, and the homeless guy stood up, and yelled back, “F@ck off, you ___suckers! Ain’t you got no respect for a lady!!!” It was a peculiar form of chivalry.

Common Sense:
Stay out of lonely, isolated areas, and don’t walk in the dark. Be aware of your surroundings, and of cars, etc. that pass you by, so that if something does happen to you, you can make a report. If there are ordinary people out and about, make eye contact and say hi, so that if you do need help, they will identify you as someone familiar. Report the problem to the police, and ask that they patrol the area, or set up a block watch program in the area.

I love Daloon’s explanations and ideas.

I’ll add one element: REJECTION. Men are terrified of being rejected by women. Since they are in a car (and that’s the main issue, you said), they get to avoid the one thing they most fear: being rejected. They don’t have to see the look on your face. In fact, they don’t want to. They’re terrified to.

I liked Daloon’s ideas about things that would break the pattern in any way. Either saying something loud back if possible, or maybe an air horn. He’s right – they’d have no clue what to do. They’d probably be scared and embarrassed. (This is assuming you don’t feel physically threatened, and it’s daytime.)

You asked whether they might stop if they knew how it made you feel? Depends on the guy, but for most guys, that would make a huge difference, yes. In this situation, the guy is so in his own experience – I doubt he’d ever considered for a second what your experience is. Any possibility of educating could be behavior-changing.

Personally, I would never do such a catcall, because I am sensitive to how it would make some women feel. Also, I’m terrified of being rejected, and not catcalling makes rejection less likely.

One last wild, crazy possibility: take it as a total compliment. That’s really what we want as guys – for you to open up, to smile, to shine your beauty. You said your professional outfit and the running outfit aren’t sexy, but I’m not sure that’s true. Maybe: You are sexy in that. Maybe, in our guy minds, we think so. Try out the possibility of taking a catcall as a compliment, even as a shout of admiration of the goddess that you are.

@Mr_M

I’ve confronted men who have catcalled and harassed me on several occasions, and it works. I’m not saying that this will ALWAYS be the case, but I’ve found that being assertive, and asking them why they are catcalling me works. The last time that I approached a group of men, the man who catcalled me refused to look at me at first. He tried to walk away. I assertively stated that he could look at me when he talks to me, and told him that next time he can just say hello to me, and ask me how my day was. Nipped that right in the bud. I address men as fellow human beings, not monsters. I remind them that I am a fellow human being, and demand to be treated accordingly.

I’m not saying that all women should adopt this style of interacting with men, as some women just aren’t like that, but I’ve found it to work for me.

Great Caesar’s ghost, the delivery might be Boorish but when you think of it would you rather hear comments on how hot you are (no matter how baseless) or hear comments ripping you on being overweight? If they are driving by act as if you never heard it at all. I would assume those blokes want to be noticed, not only by others who they more than likely is showing off too, but by you too. Nothing would frost those blokes tookets more than you ignoring them. Take some of those sour lemons and make lemon aid. If the blokes were parked or in some way other than a drive by, you can say “thank you, when you get over those STDs maybe I will take your number!” then walk off ignoring them.