How do I handle this sexual harassment issue?
So there’s a guy at work (I work in a restaurant)... He’s a total creeper… He constantly flirts with me in the creepiest, perv sort of way. One night I was in the back cleaning something and he came up to me, grabbed my arm pretty hard, and said, “You need a man who will show you who’s boss.” A couple of days ago I was sitting on the counter in the kitchen next to the computer and he walks up and leans in to feed some paper off the printer, right next to me. I scoot a little and lean way over to get out of his way, when he leans forward more and rubs his ahem on my leg. He is very aware that I have a boyfriend and am not interested at all. He does this to other girls at work, and telling him to back the fuck off is NOT working.
I can’t tell if he’s just socially inept, or simply a perv. I’ve talked to the managers about it and they’re going to address it with him. But, I’m a little worried about having to work with him going forward. Is he going to retaliate? It’s definitely going to be awkward.
This might help in your psychoanalysis of this creep… He has a weird habit of sort of “stealing” food, drinks, and cigarettes from people. For instance, when we get off work, most of us sit and have a beer and sometimes eat. He’ll just come over and grab your beer and start drinking or grab your food and start eating. He doesn’t ask. If you say something about it, he gets all pissy like you’re doing something wrong or rude. He also conveniently never has cigarettes and basically demands them from you.
What do I do to tolerate this guy?
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47 Answers
Regarding the blatant sexual harassment, I would hope since you’ve brought it up with management, that they do something about it. Hopefully they fire him.
I’ve actually sued a company for sexual harassment. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, to stand up for myself. I was treated like a piece of meat by my manager, I confronted the owner and they apologized profusely..then refused to schedule me when the manager worked, which meant I lost ALL my shifts. Suing for sexual harassment isn’t what I’m suggesting. I think your company needs to really step it up though.
All you have to do is let him know how uncomfortable and unprofessional he is being. The rest of it should be taken care of by your employer. They shouldn’t want to risk a lawsuit because of that guy.
He sounds like a person with some sort of anti-social disorder. Everyone should go en masse to the management and let them know that he’s creating a difficult environment for the entire staff, which will bring home to them that, as @casheroo said, they don’t want someone suing the restaurant because of him.
Document everything you can that he’s done at work (after work doesn’t count but I’d mention it, at least) and present this to management: dates, locations, behaviors, your objections and his response to your objections.
Why do you have to make nice with him? Is it this fear that he’ll retaliate? How would he retaliate?
If other women are having this same problem, it seems like you could take united action. Freeze him out. Don’t talk to him unless you absolutely have to. Talk publicly about what he is doing. Throw light on the topic.
If it’s just one of you, he can say you’re lying. If it’s more, that is kind of hard to say. Also, when he comes near you after work, move away. All of you should do it. Or publicly say to him to get out of your face. See what happens if you make your aversion to him public. If he gets pissy, good. Let him. He only makes himself look worse. Everyone knows he’s a jerk. Be the boy from the Emperor has no clothes, and announce it publicly.
@daloonagain I lurve you. If the talk from the managers doesn’t fix it, I will unite all the girls at work to “freeze him out” as you said. This aggression will not stand, man!
kick him in the balls next time he touches you.
Should I mention he was in the Marines and served in Iraq?
It sounds to me like this person is accident prone. That is what is called for in this situation.
Deal with the law later. Take care of the problem now.
@MrKnowItAll I think I know where you’re going with this but I’m not sure. Please elaborate…
@essieness he means kick him in the balls, and set the mf’er on fire!
Thought so.
K, so if you hear about a girl in Texas who rips her coworkers nuts off… come bail me out.
@essieness singe the porno stache while you’re at it.
Realistically? It depends on the owner(if it’s national/regional chain or a high end resurant they will deal with it as they don’t want to get sued/suffer bad press). If the owner is an idiot and your local is not progressive…you might want to quit and try greener pastures else where.
Alex hits on a good point. Is the owner (and the community) progressive or conservative?
Whenever this guy gets near you and does anything even mildly inappropriate, say something along the lines of “Can you please move away from me, you are making me uncomfortable.” or “You are too close to me, please move away.” or “I find that comment offensive, please do not say such things to me.” and do it AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE so any employee in earshot can hear you. Don’t be offensive or hostile just make his actions apparent to everyone. If he isn’t shamed into abating his behaviors you might have to be a bit more authoritative. And please be careful.
You don’t need to tolerate sexual harassment. Hope your managers handle it appropriately (by firing him) or leave, as Harmony suggested.
Ok, I live in east Texas and the restaurant is Outback.
The proprietor seemed very shocked and appalled (I’ve also known him for years, so he has more of an investment in me, personally). The other manager is a female and she admitted to me that the guy creeps her out too and has been looking for a reason to fire him (even though obviously, she shouldn’t look for reasons). So I’m really hoping they’ll fire him, but they’re also sort of softies at times and they could decide to give him a second chance…
Giving the guy a chance is way too much liability. Outback is corporate. Chances are they have a policy in place to deal with these issues.
To prevent the managers from thinking “Oh, maybe you should give it one last chance..”, nicely, yet firmly tell them that if he stays, you leave. You will not be subject to any form of sexual harassment and you will not stand for it. Frankly, if after that they still decide not to fire him, I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway. But judging from your description of the managers, I bet they do fire him! And also, ask the other girls to back up your statements, that will further solidify your argument.
Actually, I have used a form of @eponymoushipster ‘s solution. I worked for a small company at night, making microfiche from bank electronic tapes. My supervisor was often the only other person in the office. Besides being a bit creepy generally (and the son of the owner), he had a pregnant wife who apparently wouldn’t let him touch her so he kept trying to cop feels, arouse my interest with suggestive comments, and so on.
What I did was to be incredibly clumsy. If he came up behind me I would suddenly back up and step on his foot. If he got too close in some other direction I might abruptly reach for the programming manual and accidentally bop him on the nose. If he came at me in another way I might whirl around to put a heavy book back on the desk and accidentally ram him below the belt. I whacked that guy accidentally about five times and he got the message. Well, maybe not the message (Bug off, creep!) but he decided however attractive I might be it wasn’t worth the bruises.
He still said harassing things but always from across the room. And somehow I never heard what he said, so eventually he even quit talking to me and went off to sit at his desk and read Penthouse.
Or you can do what a coworker used to do when one of the other staff members bothered her. She would shout as loudly as possible “Get away from me! Hey! _______’s bothering me again! Help! Make him stop!” That only had to happen twice for him to figure out that someone else was more interesting.
As others here say, band together with other workers who have the same problem with this guy, record every incident, and stay as far away from him as humanly possible while still doing a good job. Keep the managers updated and hang in there. They may want to fire him but they won’t be able to unless they have the ammunition. Your job is to supply the bullets so they can pull the trigger.
You and your colleagues are working in a hostile work environment and can sue your employer. Your boss, herself, says she’s afraid of him. In a court of law, there’s no contest.
You and the other waitresses need to meet with the boss. You also need to document your efforts with her. Explain that you are ALL afraid to work around him. You all are also afraid he will retaliate. Use the phrase “hostile work environment”. Don’t leave the meeting until she tells you she’ll fire him, and when, and that he will never know about the meeting. Do it tomorrow.
And like Darwin says, when he bothers you, shout it out. Make the CUSTOMERS hear.
And you’re wrong when you say she shouldn’t LOOK for reasons to fire him. She damn well SHOULD.
Marine or not, a swift kick to the nads will take him down.
@essieness
Outback Steakhouse? :D :D :D
Give your managers one last chance, be honest, tell them you like them and all but you will not allow yourself to be subjected to abuse, and if they don’t handle the creep you will call corporate legal and demand they do it.
Lawyers are not stupid, they will send someone out to do the firing for your manager(who is now off the hook) because if they don’t and you tend up taking the chain to court? You won’t have to work restaurant jobs for awhile.
Hit them where it hurts – the bottom line.
I wouldn’t recommend threatening your boss at this point. They will NOT react kindly to a gun pointed at their head. You have to give them a chance to take quick action. Then, if they don’t…..
i got food poisoning at Outback once.
mashed potatoes f’d me and a friend up. i went through 3 rolls of TP in 9 hours.
haven’t been back since.
Since Outback is a big chain, they will probably do the most they can (terminating him) to reduce their exposure to the possibility of a sexual harassment case. Do you still have your employee handbook? If so, look up their policy on sexual harassment. Most companies have a strict policy about sexual harassment, a zero tolerance policy. If they do not have a zero tolerance policy, they probably have a very strict probation period for him and an agreement that if he is reported by any other person for harassment, or if he retaliates, he will be fired.
A lawsuit could be very ugly for them and very bad publicity, which could lead to a loss of a customer base. I’m not saying a permanent loss or some massive boycott, but they look to shield any type of customer loss.
I think he needs a swift kick in the balls.
@cak thanks for agreeing with my approach. :)
You should be taken seriously if you go to your boss and tell him about this blatant sexual harassment. Although I’m really surprised you didn’t call the cops or kick him in the balls. Rubbing his penis on you? That’s fucking ridiculous, that’s worse than a flasher.
But there is always the chance that the boss is a douche, or worse yet, supports sexual harassment. In that case you can choose to keep climbing the chain of responsibility, eventually someone will care, hopefully.
On the other hand, you will be taken seriously if you have a lawyer on your side and are suing for sexual harassment and creating/allowing an unsafe work environment. Companies like this really only care about profits and image, and lawsuits damage both, so this is a great way to get their attention and have them fix the issue, but is not a great way to keep your job with them.
You should not have to take this into your own hands in order to resolve it. While punching in the balls sounds gratifying, let’s not look past the fact that this person is already not socially conformed and thus may very well exact revenge on you. This is why I advocate the hands-off approach.
If this happens again and there’s no manager around or one who cares, I would seriously call the police.
@eponymoushipster I can’t argue with good logic…ok, so maybe she really shouldn’t do it, but we all know he deserves to be put in his place.
He doesn’t get it, though. He won’t get it. He’ll never get it. That’s why he’s doing this to begin with. Whatever makes people behave properly towards other people is something that doesn’t seem to work in this guy’s head. He won’t understand “being put in his place.” For people like him, that does not compute, even if every woman in the joint told him he’s a perv and kicked him in the danglies at once.
Document, document, document and get his anti-social disordered arse out of there. And until he’s gone, if he grabs you like that again, @essieness, like he did in the storage area, you bust him for assault. He may not get it, but you don’t have to put up with it.
Don’t eliminate the use of pepper spray. ALL of the waitresses should have it. If he doubles over screaming and the customers hear HIM, the bosses will do something.
And they WON“T like the idea of pepper spray getting into their restaurant food.
@Mr_M – True, that! Let management know you’ve got it and why you’ll use it, so they don’t get you all for an assault, though!
Ok guys, thanks for all your input. Tonight will be the first time I have to work with him since the penis rubbing incident. I don’t know what’s happened, but I’m pretty sure he hasn’t been fired, or some of my coworkers would have told me already. So… wish me luck tonight.
Next time there is a penis rubbing incident scream as loudly as you can “Eeeeeeuuuuw! You just rubbed your penis on me!” That should bring attention to his behavior by management and fellow workers.
Update: So I got to work last night and within 15 minutes he was already starting in on me. This time it was something about my shirt being unbuttoned what I guess he considered far enough to get excited about (mind you this is what we wear and I even had a tank top on under it). Anyway… I told him to back the fuck off and don’t touch me again, at which point he went into an over-the-top charade trying to throw it back on me like I was the one overreacting. Later, the managers finally had a sit down talk with him, and after that, he stormed around the place saying, “This is bullshit. These hoes is scandalous.” (his words, LOL) He also walked huge circles around me and avoided touching me at all costs. So, I guess it worked. One more fuck up and he’s outta there… according to management.
These hoes is scandalous? HA! Good show.
He’s given me an idea, though: Girls, we can make like Atomic Kitten and have ourselves a hit record! I’ve got Adobe Soundboard and a MIDI keyboard!
@essieness – He’ll do himself in, soon enough. Do not hesitate to report anything that makes you uncomfortable. Also, if he does something that seems like he is retaliating, run, do not walk, to the managers. It’s just a matter of time, and I’m sure not very much, before he’s outta there! Good job!
Goooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaalllllll!
One more point and he loses the game!
Good for your management, and good for you for sticking up for yourself!!
DOCUMENT (day, date and time) your bad interactions with HIM and EVERY interaction with your bosses about him. Get a notebook that you fill out at HOME with cryptic notes you take on paper at work.
Added Bonus: When he gets fired, he has to explain why.
win!
go essie!
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