How would you react in this situation?

What “signs” are you talking about? You need to be a bit more specific.

What exactly are you thinking qualifies him as a molester?
Without much more than you have given he could just be a normal child doing normal child things.

Signs… at 9? Are you sure he’s not just playing doctor?

Sorry I was trying not to spill too much but realize it would prompt such questions. He is showing aggressiveness towards smaller weaker kids. He pinned my niece on the floor and was caught dry humping her. He has threatened with a crazy look in his eyes to hurt his little bro for telling any secrets about him…..

Does he have a history of being victimized himself?

He has seen lots of porn( thanks dad) but the anger and crazy look in his eyes says alot more than curiosity.

Is it possible that he has himself been abused? It is hard to say and I do not wish to condemn the child with little info.

It sounds like you DO have a problem! Your first responsibility is to protect your children. Next is to protect him. Allowing a 9 year old to see porn is child abuse and I don’t care if it’s family, turn his father in. Take it from a little girl who was sworn to secrecy about the abuse of her siblings (although I wasn’t a victim myself.) The longer you keep destructive family secrets the more damage is done to the entire family.

To all- I love him so much and wish I could take him as my own to love on. He is a mess. I would say he has been molested but his mom swears NO! I am not around enough to have access to really learn as much as I want. I take these matters serious,as I know we all do but understand you cannot accuse without reason or lives can be destroyed.

Judy- My loyalties are to principals before family so I have no issue with turning anyone in. Proof is needed for all things and I have none physical.

I have seen this behaviour in young children as well. If you are on good terms with the adults in your extended family, you can try to bring up the subject, but if not, I suggest you simply approach the parents in private and suggest that they discuss the possibility that some family members (maybe be specific) have to be given special attention. Suggest that the parents remind their children to let them know when anyone, cousin, or whatever, makes them uncomfortable, or tries to touch them in a bad way.

Oh, that is sad! I think to assign the label of molester is not going to do him (or the rest of you) much good. I would talk to the parents about the behavior you’ve witnessed, and suggest he get therapy. If there are to be other children around, it wouldn’t be out of bounds to let their parents know that he can be ‘aggressive’, and that they should keep their eyes open.

@giltesque ; How do you know that he’s seen a lot of porn?

Are others seeing these “signs” too? Is it just you? Perhaps you are mirroring images from your own mind on to this child. Were you abused as a child? Were the other people who see the signs abused?

I’m sorry if this seems mean, but it is a possibility.

Aug- I agree and only used such a label for this forum. I know children grow into labels placed on them and take extreme measure to not be that person that typecasts a title that haunts them forever.

M Zack- Mean? not hardly. I work with sexual issues in preteens and teens so that is where the projection comes from. I have not had it so “in my face” in my personal life which is why Im making sure Im being objective and not letting my job sway me to overreact.

@Judy Porn sits alongside Nemo out in open sight in that house. No shame or discretion of porn has ever been shown. Besides I have asked him directly and he has seen it.

I have taken a few classes on trauma, child mental health and sexual abuse and trauma so a lot of things are jumping out at me here but I would consider talking to his parents and see how they react to what you have to say and go from there.

If that is the case then you should turn the parents in. He will tell the investigators the same thing and they will see the porn along side nemo as well. It is obviously not a healthy atmosphere for him. Let them investigate! You have an opportunity to save this kids life.

Kelly- thanks I have before but will try again.

Why does porn have to be taboo? A lot of people are open with their sexuality, with their teens and preteens too, and sometimes it can make for a better social life later because you’re not putting sex on a pedestal. The father is making it an everyday object, so when your nephews older, it’ll just be an ordinary act.

protectively

@mtl_zack
Because 9 year olds are not emotionally ready for it and start scaring and humping their cousins. Also, porn is NOT REALITY!

@Mtl Zack- As much as I disagree with your comment that is exactly my issue. The law, at best, might site negligence and you make a great point for the dads position. thanks

@judi signind Freud said that kids know what sex is when they’re 5. They are definitely not physically ready, but perhaps it can be cultural on am emotional level.

@giltesque I’m playing devils advocate. I’m not taking sides, I’m just trying to be objective.

I agree with @Mtl_zack about the porn thing. It’s not child abuse for a child to learn about sex. Giving him the impression that sexuality is wrong will only make him close up and find ways to continue these activities in secret. This, to me, seems more dangerous than educating him and showing him how to channel any violent or sexual urges he may be feeling. He’s already been introduced to it. Time to explain to him that certain acts are morally wrong (molesting) while others are not.

This is not to say that you should be encouraging these sexual or violent acts. Just… help him through his urges.

@giltesque ;
You can at least call children’s services in your area, tell them what you have told us and let THEM decide if it’s appropriate. Get it off of your conscience.

@shadling and Mtl Zack- I will save the porn debate for a later date, maybe tomorrow when I’m rested. One could argue the fact that 1 in 4 acts of porn show violence towards women and parents have been forced to pay damages when a son raped and tied up a girl just like he saw in his porn… to be cont

The porn debate has begun on this thread, actually.

Call Child Protective Services, relay your fears and hope for the best.

If the best isn’t happening – make it happen.

I would try talking to the parents again. I would contact social services with my concerns if that did not bring a responsible response. I would alert the other family members to your worries if they have children – I might word it in such a way as “So and so needs supervision when around your children as he has control issues (or something like that) and might unwittingly hurt them”- that way he is not labeled “molester” but will be monitored at all times when he is with the other children.

@Mtl_zack: Frequently porn is not just plain old sex, it’s more violent, raunchy and aggressive than sex should be if a child will be exposed to it.

Yeah, that is WRONG. Porn is fucking, not making love or even sex between respectful adults.

This is an awful situation, and I’m so sorry that you’re stuck in the middle of it. I would most definitely call child services. If the parents aren’t concerned, that is a HUGE problem. This can be so damaging to him. No child deserves repeated exposure to adult “entertainment” that is even too hard for adults themselves to handle sometimes.

If he’s being sexually aggressive and trying to hide things at this young age, I’d say that some perversion has begun, and he needs immediate professional attention.

You are being a good aunt for this!

Tough situation to find yourself in. I would suggest to the parents of this child that they seek counseling or at the very least an evaluation for counseling. If this kid’s issues are not addressed now, it is only going to get harder for them to be addressed in the future. Once he hits puberty, it may be too late to fix.
As to the porn thing – I can’t believe anyone would suggest that porn is the appropriate way for a 9 year-old to learn about sexuality. Porn is NOT REALITY. If the parents want their kids to be open about sexuality, viewing porn is not the proper way to achieve that.

Right. Well, as it’s been discussed on this and the other thread above, porn is not appropriate.

So, you are having trouble convincing the parents that there is a problem. I think that you, as the boy’s uncle, could do a lot of good for this kid, especially if you are experienced in this area. Do you have an opportunity to talk to the kid one-on-one? Maybe you could establish yourself as a role model.

Let us know what route you’re taking, and how things are going.

@shadling21 – Im Auntie not uncle, post op that is:) Yes it is my area of expertise, kind of. I mostly often deal with the counseling aspect for the molested preteens not the inital intervention. Trust me, they are differnt beasts to battle. My dilema, which I am near acting on is that once I bring experts in that I do know in this field the accusation has begun. It is life changing and Im weighing that heavily and triple checking my motives and objectivity. Thank you kindly for your replies and concerns.

Were objective

@giltesque – Apologies! Didn’t know what gender you are. Good luck with this.

@giltesque Please keep us posted on how this develops!

I would say to speak with the child’s school anonymously. If they find strange behavior, they will notify authorities and you will be in the clear.