What is the corniest joke you've ever heard?

Ketchup

from Pulp Fiction…

It makes my ear wax melt….

“Doctor, the invisible man is here for his checkup.”

“Tell him I can’t see hom right now…”

please tell more…I need, I need

edit…I wrote “hom.” i meant “him.” damn you, Jack Daniels!!!

I used to know this guy who wrote really bad puns, so bad that no one ever laughed at any of them. He got tired of the fact that his puns never made anyone laugh, and set about to change it. So one day he wrote down what he considered to be his ten best puns and showed them to everybody he met, figuring that one of them would make somebody laugh. But unfortunately…
...no pun in ten did.

“I’m a frayed knot.”

this one is annoying, my husband tells it all the time
Hear about corduroy pillow cases?
They’re making head lines.

Larry Lobster and Sam Clam where best friends. They did everything together. The only difference between them is that Larry was the nicest Lobster ever and Sam, well lets just say he was not so good.

Larry and Sam did so much together that they even died together.

Larry went to heaven and Sam went to hell.

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said, “Larry, you know you are the nicest clam we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed.

Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help.”

Larry said, “Well, don’t get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot.”

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, “I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?”

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. You see in Hell Sam owned a disco. The spent the day there together and had a great time. At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, “Larry Lobster, didn’t you forget something?”

Larry looked around and said, “No, I don’t think so I have my halo and my wings.”

St. Peter looked at him and said, “Yes, but what about your harp?” Larry gasped and said, “I Left My Harp in Sam Clam’s Disco!”

My other favorite:

So this guy’s aunt leaves him a cabana on the beach, with one
stipulation: he has to supply each of the porpoises in her bathtub with
a live gull a day. If he does that, they will live forever. After about
a year, upon his return from the morning trapping session, he finds an
old lion sleeping on the doorstep. After observing for a spell, he
decides that he can probably step over it if he’s careful. He reaches
across and opens the door, then steps into the house.

He is immediately seized by the FBI and charged with transporting gulls
across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.

Did you hear why these were outlawed?

Apparently, cows weren’t getting 3 square meals per day.

Do you know about Ghandi? He took a vow of poverty, went barefoot everywhere, ate very little and as a result, was thin and had dental disease.

He was a super fragile, calloused mystic, hexed with halitosis

(Don’t get it? Say the last part out loud. To the tune from Mary Poppins.)

@syz

I have to say that was pretty awesome.

Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog.

A guy dies and go to Hell. He has a choice of three rooms in which to spend eternity, and Satan takes him around to pick which one it will be. In the first room, everyone’s naked and standing on their heads on a wooden floor. The guy asks to see the next room and there, everyone is naked and standing on their heads on a concrete floor. He asks to see the last room and everyone is naked, upright, and having a cup of coffee, but waist high in shit. The guy considers them all and picks the last. Hey, upright, at least, right? And there’s coffee!

As the guy finishes signing the contract for his place in the room, an imp come by and yells to the people in it: “BREAK’S OVER! BACK ON YOUR HEADS!”

What’s brown and sits in the woods? Winnie’s Pooh.

What’s brown and sits on a piano bench? Beethoven’s last movement. :)

A mangy-lookin’ guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?” The bartender says “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.” “Deal!” says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good. The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle else no drink,” says the bartender. The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it. The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!” “Not so,” says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist!”

@crisw I like that one too, but I know it as “mynas” instead of “gulls”. And I think understanding that joke makes us really lame :P

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

A man walked into a bar and sat down, and ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say “nice tie!” Looking around, he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said “beautiful shirt”.
At this, the man called the bartender over. “Hey…I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

More of a pun than a joke, but ultra corny…

“I can row a boat, canoe?”

A man walks into a bar…

a few seconds later another man walks into the same bar…

You would have thought the second man had seen the first man hit it.

you did say Corney

Have you heard about the Buddhist who wouldn’t take novocain? He wanted to trancend dental medication.

So Heisenberg is speeding and gets pulled over. The officer walks up to the car and asks him “do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “no, but I know exactly where I am.”

A dog limps into a bar on a bloody foot. He looks at the bartender grimly and says, “I’m lookin’ for the fella that shot my paw.”

@syz – awesome.

A man walks into a bar, and sets a tiny grand piano down. He then pulls a foot-tall man out of another pocket and sets him at the piano. The tiny man begins to play beautiful music.

After a while, the bartender can’t stand it. “Buddy, where did you get that little guy?”

The man looks at him for a second, then pulls out an old bottle from his pocket. “My friend, I was walking on the beach one day, and I picked it up and started rubbing the sand off it. Suddenly, a genie appeared, and said he would give me any wish I desired…”

The bartender is excited. “Do you think I could borrow that bottle for a second?” “Sure,” says the guy, and hands it over. The bartender goes into a side room.

A minute later, the bar starts filling up with ducks. So many ducks, they start spilling out into the street. “Buddy!” says the bartender, “Is that genie hard of hearing??? I asked for a million bucks!”

“Well, do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?”

Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, “Wow, it’s hot in here!” The other muffin says “Oh my God! A talking muffin!”

Thanks for all the great responses!!!! I think you will like this one.

Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God…“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case, I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”

Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.”
Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.” So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. “This is great!” he told God, “If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. “Hmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God. “Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.” So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
“How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.
Bill responded – his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful
women playing in the water?”

God says, “That was the screen saver”.

Here’s one I heard from my friend freshman year. It works better when you say it out loud though:

Why doesn’t India celebrate Halloween anymore?

There’s no more Gandhi!

Did you say corny? Here you go-

The baby corn asks his mama corn, “Where do baby corns come from?”
The mama replies, “I told you before, the stalk brought you.”

Ouch. That one hurts.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. But it beats the heck out of me how they got in there!

@autumn43 Took me a second!

@augustlan & @Ivan…classics.

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
“DAM”

Why do the pilgrim’s pants keep falling down?
Because their buckles are on their hats.

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender “got any grapes?” “No” says the bartender. The duck leaves. The next day, the duck walks in and asks the bartender “Got any grapes?”
The bartender says “No.” This goes on for 2 weeks. The next time the duck walks in, the bartender says “If you ask me for grapes again, I’m gonna nail your feet to the floor.” The duck leaves. The duck comes in the next day and asks “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No”. “Got any grapes?”

Did you hear about the oyster who went to a seafood disco last week? He pulled a mussel. :D

A guy I know got his wife a vibrator for her birthday. She’s done nothing but moan ever since. :D

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love and decide to get married. The service wasn’t up to much, but the reception was excellent. :D

The wife was standing naked in front of a full-length mirror. “I look terrible!” she complains. “I am droopy, I am flabby, there is nothing about me that’s attractive. Honey, can you even find one thing to compliment me about?”

He thinks. “Well…your eyesight is excellent.”

A hungry Buddhist stops at a hot dog vendor. “What would you like?” the vendor asks. The Buddhist thinks for a bit. “Make me one with everything.”

go buy a gimmick

How do you fit an elephant under a subway? Take the S out of sub and the F out of way…

Here’s one my son swears he made up. “Let’s make like a baby and head out.” Choke!

185 bras walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve bras here!” The bras reply, “Aw, c’mon; we brought our own cups!”

Heard at a Milwaukee ComedySportz show in 1985.

@aprilsimnel Ooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Why did the pilgrim’s pants fall down?

Because they wore their belts on their hats.