How would you feel if you married a widow/widower, and you both were deeply in love.. but they wanted to be buried with their first partner instead of you?

Well why couldn’t you all just get buried together or near each other?

I would be sad and upset. I don’t think I would mind so much if we were all going to be together. One big happy family. It is understandable they still have love for that person. Grief and love never die. But I would want to be with my love in burial as well. And if they didn’t want to be with me, or would rather be with someone else, that would hurt. I mean truly hurt.

This is exactly why people should get cremated instead of buried.

@nayeight that seems like a reasonable solution, but what if the scenario is such where the plots on all the other sides are already spoken for, taken?

I know it’s unusual for couples these days to pay far ahead of time for couples-burial-plots. Most people cremate—cheap, and takes up less precious land area, and you can be sprinkled into the ocean or some other beloved place.

@drClaw I know I’m getting cremated personally. :) Light me up then toss the ashes into Mount. St Helens.

Great question!
I honestly don’t know how I would feel in this situation.
I plan on being cremated, but if I had a husband who was a widow I would still have to deal with it

Would be torn. In likelihood, would be drawn to support them in their decision, to ‘rationalize it’, and to feel bad about feeling too hurt/disappointed… yet would still, certainly, whether repressed inside me or acknowledged but not expressed to them, feel some degree of hurt/disappointment; am sure feeling that walking in their shadow… even if it wouldn’t be the case, to feel like they or i am trying to measure myself against their first spouce; and then possibly to a degree, compete with their shadow for their energy/focus/passion, as horrid as that sounds. It’s legitimate to need to, in a sense, do honor to their memory, in their process of healing… just that that is apt, to whatever degree, be a draw on them; even if they’re worth living with that somewhat split focus, &/or if they’ve grown so much from experiencing that horrid loss that their character/wisdom is greatly appreciated. Those may consciously overshadow that feeling of split focus/energy, yet it’d be hard… just being the flawed person i am, to avoid feeling that to some degree.

I understand it between older folks who were married for years and years.
Anyone else, I’d try to be respectful and keep in mind their ideas may change over time with my company or my feelings might change over time at them for revering a valued love’s memory.

@VzzBzz Thanks for bringing up those! Hadn’t even considered those possibilities, but assumed this was after at least years of a relationship and not being decades and decades older than i am (the latter a sorta self-centric assumption, and perhaps even the former.)

My grandparents were married for 50 years before my grandma died. My grandpa remarried a few years later to a widow who had been married to her other husband for about 50 years, too.

They both plan to “rest” near their long-time spouses when they go. Can’t say as I blame ‘em.

For me, it would depend on the duration of the relationship, and how close we were. Lots of missing elements.

Since I don’t want to be buried, If a spouse of mine wanted to be buried next to their former partner, I would respect that. I would hope that, due to their widower status, this would be something that we’d have discussed prior to re-marriage and planned for.

This wouldn’t bother me a bit. I plan on being cremated on a huge pyre.

@Amoebic: Ditto about discussing things things before a new marriage or taking on serious relationship status.

I do not plan on burial so it is not an issue.

My husband was a widower when I met and married him. His first wife insisted on being buried near her family in Kansas and he has always wanted to be buried at Fort Sam in San Antonio, so I can choose to be with him (in the same hole, actually – that’s how the military does it) or somewhere else entirely or even cremated and sprinkled.

It is something that we discussed before we married, however. I would expect that others in a similar situation should also clarify matters before taking the big step.

I plan to be cremated so they could just tuck me into his casket.

Really great question. I think the more that want to be buried with me the merrier! I want to have a “natural” burial though. No chemicals, no hardwood box. There are more and more cemeteries that are accepting such things.

They bury you a little closer to the surface too so you decompose quicker too.

It would make me very sad. I know I shouldn’t compare our love with their first love, but I would and it would still hurt. If I’m going to love you, I’m going to love you with everything I have, and I would feel like you weren’t loving me with everything you had, even though I know you can’t ompare their prior love to yours (assuming they were in love of course).

I think it’s only natural. They spent most of their lives with their former partner, and only separated because of death. We both understand this. I would want the same thing, too. Except I don’t give a shit what happens to my body when I’m dead. I just hope everyone has a hell of a good party!

I can imagine I’d be hurt, but I can’t really tell my husband what he’s allowed to do with his body and I would respect his wishes.
My husband wants to be cremated, and I want to be buried. So, I’ll be buried with his ashes. i guess out children could keep them if they wanted…who knows

Yes it would bother me, definitely, but as it is something I hope I never have to deal with, I’d know that I couldn’t understand completely why that perhaps would be necessary…interesting question

In my case, the stone is already etched with his deceased wife’s stuff on one side and ready for his on the other side. My heart sinks every time I think of it. We’ve been engaged for a year and are very much in love (both of us are in our fifties.) I feel as though I’ll be an interim wife and his burial plans do limit what this marriage can be.

@KDW Thank you for sharing that. I can’t imagine what that feels like.

How awkward would it be to share your husband’s side of the blot? I understand layering coffins within cemeteries is becoming more common as plots become more expensive and cemeteries are running out of space. I’m not sure I would want that… but it could be an option.

I wouldn’t want to share the plot with him and his first wife. Actually, it is already set up for layering, his coffin over hers. My husband was creamated and the ashes scattered. In my heart, I wish he’d say it’s unthinkable to be buried there now that we are soulmates. But what would he do with that stone, and how would his grown daughters take it? I see no good solutions. The best I’ve come up with is to have our wedding picture in his coffin but I’m still really sad about it.

I am married to a widow who plans to be burried with his late wife. That has never stood in the way of our love for one another. He loved her very deeply, and still does, but that does not mean he does not love me. They are two seperate relationships. It takes a great deal of emotional maturity to be married to a widow, and if you are someone who will be jealous of your spouse’s feelings for their late spouse, I’d strongly encourage you not to get married at all. for me, I love my husband completely, and know he feels the same way about me. That fact that he also loves his late wife does not change that in any way… in fact, for me, if he were to somehow “get over” his love for her her, I’d have an extremely difficult time trusting his loyalty and depth of his feelings. We talk very openly about these things, and he is very honest with me… that is central to my ability to understand and appreciate his feelings for her. I can’t imagine how horrible it would be for a widow to remarry someone who they couldn’t talk to on tough days (like their wedding anniversary, the anniversary of their death, etc) about how they are really feeling. Jealousy of that love would only push your spouse away because it would place them in a situation where they couldn’t share their entire self with you. In our situation, he has children with his late wife, and I think it would be extremely difficult for them to go to their mother’s grave site and see her half of the stone and his half, and know that their father was really burried somewhere else even though his name is on that stone. I think it is best for the family for them to be burried together, and I don’t see how where he is burried has anything at all to do with the vows we made to one another to love and honor each other until death does us part.

@juwhite1 -”I don’t see how where he is burried has anything at all to do with the vows we made to one another to love and honor each other until death does us part.”

Precisely – until death do us part. Once either or both of us are dead, we are parted and it doesn’t matter what is done with the left-over bits.

I too are married to aman who has been widowed for 13 years, this subject just came up because I asked what will happen to me when I die? His repley was we will find a place for you. As much as I totally agree with the above comment by KDW, I feel that I too should be burried with him. I feel when the time 13 years ago when his late wife past he was thinking will I ever re-marry, he had too childrena t the time 4 and 2 years old. But I am the women they are raising them and they call Mom. Do I not have the right to be buried with there father.? Do I just be the better person that I have been and be by myself ? I love him and this should be an issue but I’m confused?

I would be Terribly crushed and hurt and I just would not take it well.
My ex MIL remarried at age 85 to a man 9 yrs younger. Luckily, they both wanted to be buried next to their former spouses and they died within a few months of each other. My MIL already had the plots bought decades beforehand! She died @ 96 and I miss her. Wonderful “mom.”

I am married to a widower and I do not want to be buried alongside him and his first wife. She died of cancer and he loved her very much; they had no children. We are only in our 40’s. She was his first love – and I am not threatened by her memory . . .
I want to be cremated, anyway – have my ashes spread upon the ocean.

I am in this situation. My husbands first wife died at the age of 23. They have a dual headstone. This is a subject we have not discussed and quite frankly, I’m not sure how to bring it up. I am from another state and if I am not buried next to him, it would make more sense for me to buried in Ky where my family is. This thought does sadden me as I love him dearly and feel that if we spend a long life together, I should have a plot with him. However, I don’t ever want to disrespect her memory or the love he had for her. Its a sticky situation but the decision will ultimately be up to him.

I am a former widow remarried to a former widower. We have pondered this subject amoung many others. I would give this the equivalency of polygamy. When two people get married, they vow to forsake all others, dead or alive until death. Those who keep “loving” their former spouse are practicing polygamy. I will be buried with my husband, because he’s MY husband. As all spouses should be number one to each other and nobody should settle for anything less, regardless if your spouse was divorced, widowed, etc before marrying you. If your widower husband is doing this to you, he is treating you like a mistress. You are nothing more than a bedwarmer. A bandaid on his pain while he “makes due”. How would you feel if your longtime spouse wanted to be burried next to his first college love that had to move away and he never forgot about her. He’d need a plot fast because you’d kill him! Right? LOL But seriously, If you can’t make your spouse feel number one, for any reason, don’t get married. Stay a single/widower!......... On a side note : we do plan to be burried in the same cemetery (about 50 ft away for the convince of our children) as both of our first spouses. Great question. Hope this helps.

Married to a widower. My husband and I will be buried next to his deceased wife and all share a headstone, and the children are satisfied with that arrangement. The deceased wife’s family are not, but we are going to do what feels right for us regardless of other peoples opinion. May we RIP!