How do you deal with your children when they won't stop whining?

I haven’t used the spanking method, so I don’t know. When my son would act like that, I put him in the car and went to the park. We lived in an apartment, and he loved to run. At the park, he could run to his heart’s content, and I didn’t have to run with him, like I would when we walked around the block. It works with my grandson, as well.

I most definitely believe in gentler methods. I don’t have any living children. I do have a lot of nieces and nephews. And although I know that is not the same it is experience. And I also work with children for a living. Positive reinforcement is very useful and works well. This is rewarding the right behavior instead of paying attention the wrong behavior. I have also found face to face and age appropriate conversations useful. As well as time outs. It all depends on the child. I think this is a Fantastic question. I don’t know if I will follow it though because I get so deeply peeved when people justify using harsh methods with their children, i hope that doesn’t happen here but you never know. I also did some research in college on negative punishment such as spanking and wow it is some interesting research. Those methods really are uneffective for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into here.

My mom told us she couldn’t hear us if we talked in a whiny voice and that if we wanted her to hear us we had to talk normally and not whine. Then she’d ignore us. Or say things like, “Is someone here? I wish I could hear them…”

It was ANNOYING. But it worked.

Girls ar notorious for trying to wear you down. My daughter did the same thing. I hate to tell you this, but if you think it’s bad now, just wait until she is 9!

When my daughter whined to much, I told her that whatever it was she wanted, she would not get it by whining. Sooner or later, she got the message, but it was many migraines for me later!

@EmpressPixie…I’ve used that on my daughter. It is worth it just to watch the range of emotions storm across her face.

she usually ends with ”Daddy…”

I have to say, I’m a young mom (22) and I have a very, very stubborn, willful 20 month old. It takes a lot of will power not to snap, but I feel this would happen at any age (of the parent)

Discipline is such a taboo topic, and also a very puzzling one. I’m so afraid of doing the wrong thing, and ruining my child forever haha.
I’ve tried smacks on the hand. It doesn’t work. Lately, I’ve been taking a more calm approach.
My son has these outrageous tantrums, he starts screaming and crying throwing things…out in public. He did it today and I decided I wasn’t going to be embarassed and just leave (well, i was embarrassed) I took him, held him in my arms, rubbed his back, sang to him and slowly calmed him down. It was our first successful attempt.
I’m also starting with time outs, even though I know he’s too young, but it’s worth a shot. My son tends to throw things, and be obnoxious about it, so he now goes in time out when he does that. I never wanted to send him to the crib for time outs, because I don’t want a bad association for bedtime. So I make him sit against the wall, and I sit with him telling him what he did wrong. I don’t think he understands, but I’ve got to do something.
My husband yells, which just scares our child and he comes running to me. I keep telling him that he isn’t getting anywhere, but he just instantly reacts that way :(
The whining is by far, the most annoying thing in the world.

@casheroo Your approach sounds very productive. Time out with your child is critical when they are so young, and only needs to last 5 minutes or less. We have a fence/playpen that we put my 2 year old grandson in, and all I have to do is point at the fence, and he minds.

tape! :) Kidding, of course.

My oldest, 15 (daughter) never threw tantrums. I don’t know if she just was that easy going or she just knew that she had a mom that just didn’t have time for a tantrum. Not that you do! My son, though…he can throw a tantrum. The thing we’ve found most effective – ignore him. Also, I don’t allow it in front of people, if you can’t behave like a civilized person…to your room. I don’t want to see or hear it. Also, it is very clear that I do not help clean up any mess from a tantrum. Really, he doesn’t do it that often – we went through a stage where they were often, but not anymore.

One thing we pay attention to is the warning signs. If he’s cranky not enough sleep we try to head it off by quiet time or even a time out. People miss a good use of time outs – a cool down period – not a punishment. He gets it now, too. I’m not punishing him, I just want him to chill, before he melts down. The worst thing is to play into the tantrum. I can’t stand to see a parent bribe their child out of a tantrum…grrrr!

@horselover19951 – Are you kidding me? What is wrong with asking for advice? How else do people find possibly better ways to deal with a situation than to ask other people advice?

Your solution is to “beat the shit out of them?” THAT helps. Maybe a couple of bruises? THAT is ABUSE

My children don’t whine, I taught them at a very young age to speak to me, not whine at me
they can pout, cry, or talk to me, but they know whining will get them nowhere w/me.

who gave @horselover19951 lurve? what the hell?

I wonder if we should report @horselover19951 to DCFS. I’m tempted.

@casheroo – I don’t see any lurve – am I missing something? There is one as the total count, but not for this POS answer.

@casheroo I think you get 1 lurve just for signing up. LOL

@Qingu – If we had a way, absolutely.

@cak…We ingnore the children that don’t know how to behave. He wants your attention.

@RedPowerLady – I think you’re right. smart new Fluther memeber!

@RedPowerLady horselover19951 (6)“Great Answer” (1)

@Blondesjon – I know – just when it comes to children, I have no control. Also, I don’t like my friends being insulted or questioned on their parenting, when they are smart enough to ask for advice! I’ll go to my corner now and cool down…time out!

I totally agree with @EmpressPixie ‘s advice of telling her you can’t hear or understand her until she speaks without whining. Follow through, too. It tends to work.

Yelling at kids who whine is counterproductive. You’re trying to teach her how to speak to people- model it well. :)

@cak…and we all lurve you for it :)

As far as whining goes, I cut them off mid-sentence and say, “yea, I can’t understand you when you’re whining/crying so come back when you can square that shit away. Thanks.” Works every time.

@casheroo Oh i’m not showing the same thing. Weird.

@EmpressPixie I used that very effectively, accidentally, with a nephew who was whining about something. I truly could not understand a word he said, and when I told him so, he stopped whining and told me his problem in a normal voice.

Funny how everyone’s now talking about horselover19951’s lurve point and not his statement lol

@Sakata—his point isn’t really worth talking about :)—
hum, why isn’t that tiny?

I tend to go with the “I don’t understand what you are saying when you whine to me.” It seems to have worked pretty well because now that I think about it they don’t whine nearly as much as they used to.

As with all parenting questions, I would love to hear from skfinkel – The Fluther Parenting Guru. Her answers are always simple to implement, logical, brilliant and effective.

by not having them in the first place. that shit is insufferable.

@Facade…I think a child’s incessant whining is what a person hears in their head when they finally take the gun out at work.

don’t roll your eyes parents…you know what i’m talking about.

rofl @Blondesjon i believe it.

I deal with it by sending them home to their spouse.

@basp…beautiful…

@Blondesjon haha, i believe it

I can’t remember either of our children ever throwing a tantrum. My wife might remember differently. I have no idea if it was something we did, or just the nature of our kids. They’ve always been very sweet. They are popular with other kids, and the teachers love them. My son has his third grade teacher wrapped around his thumb, and she admitted, even though she wasn’t supposed to, that he is her favorite student. He is allowed the privelige of reading underneath her desk. The other teachers won’t put up with this.

The only thing I remember that really drove me up a wall, is when they would yell in a high pitched yell, which knocked my teeth up into my cranium. I told them that they were yelling wrong. “Yell in a low voice,” I told them, and then I demonstrated. Unbelievably, it worked! It was so funny, seeing them try to scream in a low voice. I loved it!

Maybe we did that with other behaviors we didn’t like. Showed them alternative (and more effective) ways to get what they wanted. We never hit them (well, once I lost it with my son, but that’s it). It’s hard to come up with creative ways to be positive, instead of telling them not to do something. You have to show them what you want them to do. If you just say don’t do this and don’t do that, it’s really not helpful. They have no idea what to do. If you show them what to do, and never mention the don’ts, you can have amazing results. It probably helps if you are a crazy, empathetic, creative parent.

I’d always heard that if you put in the time when they were babies and toddlers, that they’d turn into something wonderful. When I see my kids sitting at the piano, playing music together and singing together, it just blows my mind, and my heart almost bursts for the love of it. I could never, in a million years, imagined that it could be this good!

@daloon You’re failing ~

@daloon – Even though my son has thrown a tantrum, doesn’t mean he’s not sweet. He’s a very loving child, has a lot of friends, does well in kindergarten and his teachers love him. Same for my daughter.

We approach things where we show alternatives, as well. We talk to our children and explain things. They are both very good, very normal, very happy children.

Most of my son’s tantrums were in a time period where he didn’t know how to process the fact that mommy is sick. His doctor believes that it may still have something to do with that, since I am still going through chemo.

I used a book called 1–2-3 Magic. It saved our lives.

@daloon with apologies and all due respect, I feel compelled to take you to school on this answer.

As cak so eloquently pointed out, sweet, well liked kids throw temper tantrums. Since they were born I have focused pretty much all of my energy into being a good mom yo my boys. I have loved them, held them, talked to them, sang to them, read to them, I have never hit my kids and I always try to explain what is happening and why. All three get along famously with their teachers, do a great job of picking friends, and are happy well adjusted kids. As brothers they are a team and despite bickering among the three, they always have each other’s backs. But all three of them have their moments of whining and tantrums – the youngest especially. They just plain do. For the most part I don’t tend to view temper tantrums and whining as a yardstick for excellent or sub-par parenting.

Mouse steps off her soapbox.

@Benny, I have heard great things about 1–2-3 Magic! Another book I have used effectively is How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk.

@daloon My problem with the How to talk book is that it’s long and wordy, and I have the attention span of a gnat. 1–2-3 Magic is short and I can read it in a weekend.

silence.

I don’t always do this but when I am calm enough (and have slept well!...) I get down on the floor and hold him in my heart… not physically…and I don’t say a word… I just show him that I am there and I am listening and that he doesn’t need to shout or whine…but just talk to me…or hug me… or throw himself on the floor… I will still be here…to hold him and love him when he returns to calm

I generally find that surprisingly this works incredibly well… I guess because it’s meeting anguish with peace…and that will more than likely diffuse the situation…

@lynneblundell great, great response. My son (7) definitely has anger issues we’ve worked on since he was a toddler. My yelling just escalated the situation. One of the best techniques I’ve used is simply counting to 3, letting him know what will happen (usually some privilege taken away) if he gets to 3. If he can’t calm down on his own, I do as @lynneblundell suggested—though sometimes I actually hold him physically (I read about this in a book Beyond Time Out, which was a life-saver book for me) letting him know I am there to help him control his anger until he can on his own.

http://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Time-Out-Chaos-Beth-Grosshans/dp/1402752970

Sorry. It’s not often that I brag about something, but when it comes to my kids, I guess I can do it. Obviously, it doesn’t go over well. I probably also should have said “I” instead of “you.” I often go overboard that way, and I’ve tried to reign it in, but those “you’s” keep slipping out. Again, sorry.

Every child is different. Every parent is different. Every situation is different. When I told my wife what I said, she said it wasn’t as easy as that, and there were times when she just had to hold our son down, until he calmed down. There’s a time-out story that is amusing to me, but I think not right now.

I’m sure that every one of us believes our kids are amazing (except for those who don’t, of course). While I don’t feel I do much else that is pleasing to many people, it doesn’t matter when it comes to my kids. They are most amazing, as far as I’m concerned, and I love it!

What reaction are you hoping to hear? A reaction that would benefit the child? Or a reaction that would help a parent blow off their own steam and cope with a whining child? Before we get started, it might be helpful to understand that whining usually a breakdown in communication caused by parental inconsistency. In other words, parents who pay attention to their kids usually don’t have to deal with much whining. Let’s look at this statement:

“When the boys would fight and cry incessantly I would oftentimes give them a spanking and holler at them to ‘knock it off!’”

Who does this action benefit? Why does the spanking occur only after “incessant” crying? Was the action wrong to begin with or not? If it was, then why did the punishment only occur after incessant behavior? If not, then why did any punishment occur at all? I wondered what you meant by your question “deal” with whining. I suspect what you’re really dealing with is your own emotions and frustration, and not the child’s behavior. Kids let parents know when they’re messing up – sometimes they do it in the most irritating ways, but that’s when we need to pay the most attention. Whining is not a disease that needs to be “dealt” with. It’s a cue that you could approach your kids a little differently. And be aware of your own emotional limitations, and not make them responsible for them.