What is the impact of comparing individuals, even to themselves, within a community like fluther?

Lurve should be included in this, too.

I couldn’t agree more, daloon, especially all the questions about the past, and regret and “what you wish you could undo or take back.”
At least for me because that is a very present issue in my real life right now.

How many times do you people need to be told? You are the only person that is responsible for they way you feel. You choose, moment to moment, how you react and feel about any given situation.

That said, fuck popularity contests. They’re for douche bags.

We all have our strengths and weakness and everyone wants to shine. It might seem petty to discuss who’s good at what or evaluate traits but we are all different and unique. Making negative comparisons and bashing on each other has a negative impact on the community. It would be better to emphasize each members strengths but not to the point of making others feel bad. And if they do I’ll give them a big bear hug!

I think its perfectly healthy to assess yourself, and others. That’s good managing skills. I think it makes you better. And whats wrong with a little critical thinking?

I am reporting this question to the mods.

@A_Beaverhausen: because for some of us, there’s no such thing as a “little” critical thinking.

@Blondesjon, I bow down before your clearly enlightened self. Jeez. What an ass I am! Constantly choosing to feel bad. Wow! In fact, choosing to feel worse than bad. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Now I know what I should do.

all I need to know now, is how to do it

@Yarnlady: you’re right. I’ll have to go to my other question and say I regret asking this one. Maybe the mods will do me a favor and zap it into oblivion.

Semi-related side-note: Fluther just informed me: No one cares about you or your relationship problems.

I don’t have a problem with the questions that are self-assessment. I’m not huge on the “who is the funniest” or any question like that, because it can hurt people.

are there a lot of those out there? There was one, probably a month or so, ago, that asked which fluther members would you have dinner with – or something like that. It was removed. Don’t those generally get removed?

On the self-assessment questions – just walk past them or try what I do to some questions that I want to post an opinion on, but I really don’t want to get fully involved – type it out and erase it! I don’t know why, but that seems to help me. Weird. I know.

@cak: I’ll have to try that. It might have an important symbolic effect. Like erasing my bad thinking about myself.

I don’t see the problem.

@aviona The information you have received is not from Fluther, but from a hacked account. We really do care.

@daloon…The easiest choices are usually the hardest to implement.

com⋅mu⋅nism
/ˈkɒmyəˌnɪzəm/ [kom-yuh-niz-uhm]
–noun

1. a theory or system of social organization based on the holding of all property in common, actual ownership being ascribed to the community as a whole or to the state.
2. (often initial capital letter) a system of social organization in which all economic and social activity is controlled by a totalitarian state dominated by a single and self-perpetuating political party.

… it didn’t work then, that wont work here, you’re going to be judged no matter what. its nature. natural selection. end of story.

@A_Beaverhausen: ok, say I tell you “you suck, and your opinions are drivel” (kind of like the little messages fluther is sending us today). How are you going to respond? Most people leap to defend themselves from an ad hominem attack, by attacking the person back. You’d tell me I wasn’t worth the minerals that make up my body.

Bad feeling breeds bad feeling. Comparisons make people feel bad, and drive wedges between them and can destroy community. I’ve seen it happen too many times.

I have no idea why you think communism is relevant here, and I don’t really want to know. I think you probably don’t understand the impact of judgements. Yes, we are judged all the time. But we don’t have to make those judgements so clear.

You know what most people who are friends say to me? They say, “I won’t judge you.” That’s what makes people friends. They accept each other for how they are, without judgment.

I’d like to think that fluther is a community of friends (like Quakers, who are a model for me), not a totalitarian dictatorship, and not a place of pure competition. Just because people judge all the time doesn’t mean we have to do that here.

Humans have spent a lot of time trying to beat the law of the jungle. We’ve developed strategies of cooperation that enable us to play natural selection to our advantage. A major component of that is cooperation and friendship, just like all of the apes, chimps and bonobos. Diminished perceptions of hierarchies, even those imposed by ourselves on ourselves, it crucial to the maintenance of community.

I dunno about you, but I’d like to keep this place working well. I think internecine strife is counterproductive.

@cak has a very good point, sometimes I don’t want to answer a question because I have to get too personal and divulge too much information and so writing, but not posting is a good way to get it out, but not have everyone know. I like that.

@daloon
I think that it’s a provocative question and everyone who is honest with themselves has to admit that we are all moved by our own and others sentiments. One end of the scale you have the neurotic and people pleasers and on the other end the narcissists and psychotics. Most of us fall pretty squarely in the middle with a touch of self importance. There’s always the danger of publicizing oneself in this context because it isn’t really a completely honest and transparent medium. Just like the guy next to you on the highway really doesn’t want to kill you, it just feels that way when you’re separated by a couple of tons of metal. I would say that it behooves us to maintain an air of civility with a deference towards the preservation of our own emotional well being. As a controlled experiment it lacks true objectivity and subjectivity. The best use of the site I think is a venue for fun, opportunity to gain some new information and ocassionally some groundbreaking insights.

Ladies and jellymen, the thriving Quaker community.

but never having checks on each other counter-acts change. if you don’t argue, what new thinking will come of that? what can be made better from agreeing? nothing.

this is whats wrong with people these days, they cant handle being examined, why? because you are self conscious and lack confidence in yourself.

seeing something from other peoples perspective, and knowing others impressions, is an incredible tool of used correctly.

My son in Sweden is recovering from a severe stroke, half way around the world, he and his wife have given me a granddaughter I will never meet, do you really think any of this matters?

@daloon I think you’re making too much of this

I think you have a point, because some people aren’t as well adjusted as others. We can’t all be well-adjusted, why if we were, there would be no work for the head shrinkers and psychologists. That is not a dig at people with mental issues, I have them myself, and just recently was diagnosed with depression, and am on medication for it.

While disagreements and discussion are fine in this forum, and even agreeing with others on their points of view, I have a real problem with the popularity ass-kissing parties that go on here sometimes. Nothign brings people together like good honest discussion and comraderie. But hey, that’s just me. I agree with you though, you make a good point and nothing ruins a good community site like drama (of any sort).

@Yarnlady…You are the most in context person I have ever had the pleasure to know. Much, much lurve.

the action of not judging someone is the simple agreement that youre not perfect either, and that you do not see yourself as superior to them.

and no matter who you are you are constantly judging everyone you meet. why do you think people like nice cars? it is a symbol to everyone who cant afford that car that you are better than they are.

im trying to have a conversation about this, i want to know what you guys think.

i mean, its like taking homecoming court away from high school.

I think assessing your negative qualities is interesting.
There’s more social room for speaking more truthfully.

When people ask about good qualities, there seems to be
a good dose of humour and humility (or mock humility)
to balance out any notions of narcissism.

The only problem is when it is posed to someone
who gets easily sucked in this kind of activity/loop.

But I’d imagine that the competition/pressure is coming from within.
So the context of community is not such a factor?

Popularity questions are another matter. Not a fan.

@Blondesjon : – )

@daloon & I both overthink, I think.

@Yarnlady
Why won’t you see her? Will you not get on a plane? It’s a small world. Live a little.

How can we compare? We’re all so special and unique and each and every one of us plays an important role to the whole collective.

@SeventhSense I’m waiting for you or some other philanthropist to offer the round trip air fare + accomodation, since I can’t afford the $2,000 – $3,000 it would take.

@Yarnlady
I’m sorry did you say something Yarnlady?
Anyhoooo…

@SeventhSense Thanks anyway.

@Yarnlady
Well at least i put in my “two cents”.:)

I don’t mind self-assessment, but I can see why some would. I’ve been in that position before, and have worked my way through to the other side. At first, I didn’t even have an issue with the ‘popularity’ questions, but after a couple of members spoke to me about the hurt feelings they caused I saw the light on that. Self-assessment = good, if you are in a good place with yourself. Popularity contest = bad, no matter what. It seems like the best thing to do Daloon, and others that are unable to separate self-assessment from comparison to others, is to avoid those questions like the plague! I hope one day, we can all feel good about ourselves. :)

@daloon “How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood,
And then just be in a good mood?”-Lloyd Dobler

I hate comparisons like that. I feel like, take me as I am, for what I offer IN myself, or don’t bother.

I think it could potentially be quite a negative thing to do, lowering self-esteem by putting thoughts in people’s heads like, “why aren’t I as cool/clever/attractive as X?” It’s like being at high school again. Surely we’ve grown up more than that.

@A_Beaverhausen: I don’t think you understand what I’m saying.

You said, “if you don’t argue, what new thinking will come of that? what can be made better from agreeing?”

I’m not against arguing at all. If you read what I post, you’ll see I have no problem with arguments. What I do have a problem with, and see as divisive and destructive to the community, are effforts to turn this into high school But I see, you are in favor of high school:

“I mean, its like taking homecoming court away from high school.”

Exactly! High School is the worst form of society. It’s like Animal Farm, or maybe it was the inspiration for that novel. This is not a society we should aspire to. It kills innovation and creativity and encourages mindless conformity. That’s fine if you are the most beautiful person in the school, but it’s hell for everyone else.

I can see by your avatar, if your avatar is a picture of you, that you probably have no idea what it’s like not to be beautiful. If it isn’t you, then you admire beauty a lot, to say the least. If you’re competitive, and see beauty as a way to get an advantage, then fine, that’s the way you are.

That is not the only way to be. It’s not the only way to run a community. We can run a community where the emphasis is on the discussions and not on comparisons or dissections of personalities. I’ve been in online communities that are based on that kind of thing. Cliques form, and eventually the society implodes. Competition may be fine for business, but teamwork is also important. Fluther, in my opinion, would be much better off as a team than as “everyone for themselves.”

A further disadvantage of the second philosphy, is that it encourages pretense and fraud, as everyone struggles for status. The impulse is to pretend to be someone you are not. Honesty is sacrificed in order to become “queen of homecoming court.”

I could go on and on about the benefits of cooperation and teamwork, but that’s enough for now.

I completely ignore the, “Who is your favorite” questions. Most of my answers to the self assessment questions are personal things that I would never post on the interwebs, so I usually ignore them as well.

I don’t mind the self-assessment questions at all and feel there is a valid place for them. Sometimes I post, sometimes I don’t. If something feels too personal for me to reveal, I usually don’t. And again, I feel if it’s going to bring you down, “remove” the question.

As far as popularity polls, I think they do create a cliquey feeling to the site which can make others feel insecure or just turn off new people. I don’t really think there is a place for them, although I wouldn’t want to stifle the sense of community engendered by some of our historical references such as the cake question or “frizzer.”

^^
I have no idea why they removed my comments above. It’s starting to feel like Red China on here. I would love to know their reasoning behind those two. There was no foul language.

[Mod says] Comments restored.

@augustlan
Thank You