Today one of my few close friends, actually the closest one came to my house and asked me about my wife, first I asked him politely not to talk about it, but I couldn’t keep the silence and I said almost every thing.
He said he wanted to talk to my wife and he thinks it can help. I myself believe no one can solve such a problems, except the couple who made the problem. I don’t believe in such a solution. I don’t believe in couple therapy either, I don’t believe the 3rd person can solve anything radically. but I was too depress to ignore a chance. I took it and I opened my heart.
I didn’t want to tell him every thing, but I couldn’t control myself and I said every thing. ( I feel I broke my promise to me and to my wife about keeping our life private, but I couldn’t keep it, I was too weak to control myself)
I needed to be understood too bad.
perhaps he can’t do anything for me, but he listened, tried not to judge and tried to show me that he understands, he shared a little about his marriage problems that he could fix and advised me to search for the root of the problem. then I felt I should tell him all the details and I did. I feel better inside and as you dear Dog mentioned it revealed some energy and repression, at least he understood me, he is a witness to all the trouble I had been through to marry her and make her happy. he knew me for a long time.
now he understood that my true pain is not her physical absence, but absence of my trust to my wife.
he understood that talking to her to come back will not solve my problem. what I need is a reason which can convince me that she is true.
It bothers me that I told bad things about my wife, the way she left me, her frigid manner, the way she broke my heart, the promised she broke, ignoring me and the way she lives now. but I asked him not to judge her and I told him she should have her own reasons and you shouldn’t think she is untrue person, I just can’t understand her reasons, because she didn’t give any.
I still love my wife ( the one I knew) and when she was with me, we promised to keep always our problems private and solve them on our own.
we never shared any problem with others, we always respected our life and believed every thing can be solved and we don’t need to talk to other people.
I really feel sorry that I talked with my close friend. I feel I broke myself, but at the same time I feel better because I told someone who knew me about my pain. so it is a conflict for me.I admit I was weak, what I have done is right because I feel better now, but it is wrong because I broke my promise.
this privacy hold a value in our life and we were proud of it. it was very enjoyable to feel that we are so close that we don’t need any one to make us closer.
we had many promises, many nice ones, for example we promised each other to say whatever we feel inside and never ever avoid to say the truth, even if it hurts. in this way we were sure that there is nothing left behind.
we promised each other not to go overseas alone for holiday, but in this 3 months, she left the country for spending her holidays and came back. how could she?! ( I should have been very bad husband, or many stupid one.)
many promises we had that I always kept, but today I broke one,
I am very strict about my words and whatever I believe.
I rarely do something that I believe is wrong.
I feel responsibility for my words , but I am a thinker and I change my beliefs if there is a reasonable fact.
I rarely lie in my life and I have never lied to my wife, we know each other for 5 years, and I have never lied to her, not even a white lie. nothing.
I have never betrayed or cheated a person in my life, but many betrayed me and cheated me.
Maybe I should call her now and ask her to forgive me. I know it looks like stupid because she has broken many promises and she even didn’t explain why. rather than forgiveness.
But I am bobby and I respect me more than anything in this life and if I break a promise ( even if it seems ok) I should say and I should take the responsibility. maybe you think I am a very moral man, who believes strongly in god and spiritual thing, but I am not, I am a man of my own words and my own beliefs.
After it finishes ( divorce or restarting), I will tell her about my mistake and I ask her to forgive me. ( I don’t tell her now, because it is not the time to talk about it.)
the only thing I have in my life is my honor, I am a man who needs honor more than air.
maybe I should have asked her before divulging to my close friend. but I didn’t want to talk to her.
I am too honest man, I think I have obsession about being honest and being who I say I am. maybe this is abnormal. but at the same time it is me and I am proud of it. I never felt it is bad, actually I felt I am very strong and I have made a strong reputation.
but today I broke one promise and I should confess it.
some people may believe I have mental obsession, some believe I am a too moral, but I am none of them, I am just a man who enjoys to live the way he believes.
I wrote too much. thanks for reading it.
and thanks for your advices. it worked.