What would you do in this situation concerning international custody?

how old is he?

@blueknight73 11

What are you custody arrangements, legally?

@lillycoyote That’s the rub. I have joint custody of him 185 days a year “legally”, we also have an agreement that she won’t stake her claim on 50% of my retirement that she can “legally”...I walk a fine line. The legal system in the US won’t touch this because it’s a “German issue” so that avenue is out. I just feel stuck. I’m tired of making him cry and feel like shit when I press him on the issue when I talk to him.

Have you thought about flying to Germany and picking him up? Maybe he wouldn’t be so scared to fly if you were on the plane with him. That would be less expensive than flying there, staying and flying back. And then you would have him in the States for the entire summer.

@lillycoyote I have already looked into it 5k at the cheapest.

Can the army help? Fly you into Germany then you both fly back commercial? Or they can fly you there and the both of you back to the States?

once again i ask, how old is he?

@lillycoyote The Army is really great about some things, this isn’t one of them.

@blueknight73 And I’m telling you again… 11

You can’t hitch a ride on a transport plane? I guess I watch too many movies. :)

ok 11, i see that. sorry. i would try my best into talking him into to flying, tell him how cool it is, to sit by a window. or maybe you could fly there and find a really cheap place to stay, and just take him to do some things that arent terribly expensive. im sorry, i wish i had better answers for you

@lillycoyote The whole Space A thing is one of those really great perks they advertise but don’t tell you the whole story about. I can catch a space A flight but it may take 10 days of my leave to actually get one.

are you in ft.knox?

@blueknight73 I’ve been doing that. I’ve been talking to him about fishing (he’s never been) camping at the Land Between The Lakes (he loves camping) going to Six Flags, doing “man stuff” with me. I can’t break him of that fear. I already have the flight picked out…Non-stop, he gets on the plane in Frankfurt at 6:30 in the evening and I pick him up at 7:30 in the morning at Dulles (5 minutes from Grandpa’s house…how cool is that?)...Yep I’m at Knox.

I don’t have kids so I am kind of talking out my ass here but I wouldn’t go much longer without seeing him, whatever you have to do. He’s 11, before you know it he will be a teenager and “his own man.” It’s a critical time, I think. I would put that above whatever precedent you think you might be setting with the ex.

I’m with lily on this one. Do whatever you must do to see him. Ideally, the fly there and get him idea is best. Perhaps if he’s afraid to fly back at the end of summer, and she won’t fly out to get him, you might have him for a while longer!

@lillycoyote And that’s just it. There are so many things that I want to do with him that I can’t in Germany, like fishing (the government controls on angeling are horrendous) I just want him here with me for a bit, to explore what America has to offer. I have no doubts in my mind that he will stay in Germany, I just want him to explore some of what makes him, him.

@augustlan You would think after all of these years that I wasn’t going to “steal” our son. He needs his mom. I would never deprive him of that. I would think she would know better by now.

I think the value of your time with your child outweighs his fear of flying. My parents were divorced as a kid. Issues would come up all the time (mostly and sadly, as you said, at the prompting of the other parent) but we got through them and always ended up having a great time. Your kid may be upset for the first day or two but will get over it. Your time with your child by far outweighs this fear. And I think the fact that you are so concerned about his fear shows that you are a caring parent. Try to comfort his as much as possible but have him come. And I agree with you, if you don’t have the money then don’t fly to Germany.

I hate to even suggest this but I don’t have a magic wand to wave over this problem and make it better…. have you tried good old-fashioned non-custodial parent bribery? All you have to do is get him to be willing to get on the plane and once he’s on the ground he’ll be fine. Is there something he really wants or something he would really want to do once he’s here? LIke I said, I’m not saying it’s right…. and I hate to even suggest it…but if talking about it hasn’t helped and you can’t force him to fly you know, trying to get him to “man up” about it would be cruel, so maybe the only thing left in your arsenal is bribery….

@lillycoyote I have thought of it. Maybe, if I go there, pick him up, he’ll be able to go home on his own by himself once he’s seen that its not as bad as it looks. I think I can swing it for $2500 or so. That’s what kills me, he and I have been to the states 3 times back and forth together…where does this fear come from?

I don’t know, maybe you’re right, maybe his fear of flying comes from his mother, but if that’s the case it gets very complicated in terms of trying to talk him out of it without getting into issues with your ex and causing him issues with his mother, which I’m sure you don’t want to do. This is a tough one, FGS, a really tough one. I hope you can work it out, I really, really do.

@lillycoyote I’m really hoping I do…I’m running out of time to book flights

Does anyone in the Army with the right connections owe you a favor? Maybe it’s time to put on your Radar O’Reilly hat and work the system. :) Yeah, I know that was a t.v. show and this is real life. I wish I had a good answer for you FGS. :(

Good luck to you and your boy, FGS. Let us know what happens, ok?

@augustlan Yep….

Tough question. I don’t think any of us is informed enough to really help, because the issue here does not seem to be your relationship with your ex, as much as the relationship with your kid. I also have problems (much bigger ones actually), but at least my kid is 100% on my side, so I don’t have to worry about that bit.

So let’s forget about the ex for a bit and imagine that she’s reasonable (and even if she isn’t, you can cross that bridge when you come to it). The real risk here is that you force your son to do something he doesn’t want to (even if the fear is projected) and that in the long run he’ll just kick. Exactly because he is 11, he is already at that age where he can more or less decide what he wants to do, and even if you and your ex sort something out, if he doesn’t want to come, he just won’t (maybe not this time, but the next one and the one after that). So you have to somehow persuade him to overcome his fear and make the trip regularly in the years to come.

One way of doing this is promising him he’ll have a great time in the US, which of course for an 11-year-old is an exciting playground where everything is possible. I’m sure there are plenty of places he’d like to visit, and if you can make his stay there interesting, perhaps he’ll overcome his fear and come.

But of course there’s always the possibility that he won’t. Maybe it’s real fear, maybe it’s projected, but the point is that you have to make him overcome it (or keep flying there yourself, or move to Europe somewhere). Someone suggested flying over and fetching him back, which is actually a good idea (you only have to do this once, and hopefully there will be cheaper solutions in the future).

Another option is of course to go to Germany, but not because your ex says so. Not even because of his fear. But to be his dad, keep the connection, and give him a strong enough reason to overcome his fear in the years to come, when he’ll be making more decisions for himself. If I were in the US and my daughter was in Germany, she’d swim across the Atlantic to come see me, and I’d do the same for her. And no evil bitch is going to tell her otherwise.

@Jack79 That’s actually great advice…. I think I need to think on this.