Why do people still pretend when it is totally and utterly unnecessary?

Sometimes lying to themselves
is more important than lying to other people.

You’re just their audience.

Hey, you’ve got to give them credit for being consistent. J/K

Pretending is for people with low self-esteem. They may feel embarrassed by their homelife, work, etc., and if they can pretend to make themselves feel better, they will. One would hope that their friends could help them get by this fantasy life and work to make their own life better.

I can definitely relate.

I think people hide things from you, or pretend about certain things, because of their own lack of self-confidence or self-worth. More often than not, people have a tendency to idolize or respect those they wish to be like, but are not like. If they feel they don’t live up to what they think they should be, they are not very willing to admit to their “faults”.

I have had numerous people during my lifetime not tell me things, for fear of what they thought I would think about them, when it reality, I would approach them and their situation with a very open-mind. Part of their fear, I think, came from the fact that I am indeed, a very opinionated person. But I always approach individual situations as if they’re entirely new to me – because they are.

It does hurt when people I care about have this belief, but in the end, I know that people have reasons for why they do what they do, and I’m willing to see it from their perspective.

I’d point a finger at denial on that one. Some people start to believe their own lies

@The_Compassionate_Heretic

Amen to that

@DrasticDreamer

I hear you on that one. People very often confuse opinionated with judgemental.

I agree! A lot of people don’t even realize they are doing it either because they have done it for so long, or they have no idea what their reality is. It’s sad.

It almost sounds to me like you are the one being judgmental. I can’t see where someone trying to be polite or accomodating is a bad thing. Perhaps your own attitude is what makes them believe they can’t be real with you.

I have to do that with my Father-In-Law all the time, because there is no way we could get along any other way.

I think it’s about trust in general. If people trust you or not, it’s often a reflection on their capacity to trust and may have little to do with us. Furthermore if someone’s experience has been a certain way with their primary caregivers that is generally their strongest influence. And that can be difficult to overcome.

@YARNLADY

I am not talking about politeness. I am talking about lies intended to “alter” the perception of a person.

Have you ever heard the saying, “fake it til you make it”?
Okay, well some people have to fake things to themselves and others until they really believe it or… until they can face a truth about themselves and not be torn down by it.

Here’s an example: Your boss is an alcoholic with a “mild” drug problem and goes on a weekend binge resulting in a suicide attempt. He comes back to work and all of your co workers know what’s happened, your boss even knows everyone else knows but he talks a story as if something else happened, not so much that you’ll believe it but so something/anything more palatable to him can be shared and then the whole subject moved away from.

First, no one is “totally and entirely un-judgmental.”

There are a million reasons why someone might not want to share certain things (even to a friend who they know won’t judge them,) and if they don’t wish to, it’s easy enough to just give them their space. There’s no need to feel insulted if someone tells you a story that may not be complete, or that may be partially or wholly false. People have different ways of dealing with things, and some people prefer to keep things to themselves.

@petethepothead

You’re misinterpreting my question Pete. I’m not talking about not wanting to share something, but “pretending”, as in, yes I make wads of cash when in fact they work at McDonald’s.

Or telling me you live in fancy neighborhood soandso when in fact you live at the housing silos, or telling me you have a degree in soandso when in fact you’re a highschool drop-out.

I have all the tolerance in the world for what I call “everyday bullshit”. That’s not what I mean.

You may not be judging them for working at McDonald’s or dropping out of high school.
But you are judging them for their need to lie and create this make believe world.

I do it too.

I still don’t think you need to find it insulting or hurtful that someone feels the need to misrepresent themselves to you. The examples you gave are pretty major misrepresentations. If you don’t know where the person works, or where they live, they probably don’t know you well enough to fully trust you. They may have had issues in the past that make it very difficult for them to trust anyone. Even lies that aren’t so major could stem from the same problems.

I’m guessing that most, (or at least some) people who represent themselves in a way that doesn’t represent reality have some deep issues when it comes to trusting people, or have some serious feelings of inadequacy. There’s a kind of desperation there. Maybe they lie about themselves as a kind of defense mechanism, to hide things that they don’t like about themselves.

@TaoSan
^^I think my answer deserves a second glance. If someone is pretending with you it is because they don’t feel secure enough to be themselves. But if you frame it as about you, it will just frustrate you.

Sigh, I guess that’s just how some people are…. :/

If people are still pretending in a given situation, then the individual who is still pretending thinks that it is still necessary. Reality can be very difficult to deal with sometimes.

We all pretend, in one way or another, each and every single day. Some not to the same extent as others, but, we all pretend nonetheless.

You may have decided that it is totally and utterly unnecessary but perhaps they have not.

@Blondesjon
So true

SeventhSense said exactly what I was going to say: it isn’t about you. Their own needs, reasons, beliefs, insecurities, etc., are going to be much bigger to them than what they know about you.

Also, pretenders tend to assume that others are pretenders, just as liars tend to assume that others are liars. They may not think you are as you seem to be.

@Jeruba
“to the perverse all is perverse”

@Jeruba

Sigh, sweet lonerness :)

Social graces/saving face like when everyone knows a co worker has an extramarital relationship but when they speak of their spouse or family then all go along with it.
“Don’t ask- don’t tell”. A friend of mine may know that I know about what they do but I also know them well enough to know they wouldn’t want to burden me with what they do privately that I might not agree with. That kind of thing.

I miss TaoSan.

@zenele
The hypocrisy of this question and of his subsequent behavior should give you pause for thought when pining for him.

@SeventhSense Actually, I didn’t read the thread – just saw his name at the bottom and recalled some fun chats in the chatroom. I don’t really know him that well – and hadn’t “spoken” to him in ages when he suddenyl disappeared. I don;t know the circumstances, and frankly, if it isn’t someone I feel I know and care about – I don’t always notice who is here or not. Zebra I missed a lot. Daloon I missed and pmed him about it and was happy to see him come back after a few months.

Would you like to link me to where he was “a jerk” – implied by your post – so I can read for myself? Was he kicked out or did he leave voluntarily? Is he back under another nick?

Do you care?

:-)

I don’t remember exactly where the post was and I’m not going to get into it publicly but apparently there was some alleged unseemly activity and a meet up with another flutherite.

Ok, real life example? How about me?

Double-sided coin too.

I have decent intuition. I can usually tell when something is wrong with even a casual acquaintance, or when someone is lying to me. In person, on the phone or online. I get why they would dissemble. Just not why the people I call family do, the people I’ve proven myself to, both on knowing and accepting/forgiving etc.

The otherside of the coin is I do the same thing. Not with strangers but with my family. I only have a few people in my life that I really care about, they’re are precious and I wouldn’t ever want to do anything to let them down in any way.