I have always told my son that until he is 18, I am responsible for him; and as such, he has no rights to privacy. I believe in setting a hard line from the start, and then allowing the child to earn privileges as they demonstrate they are capable of handling the responsibility that goes along with it. This allows them to develop and learn progressively and naturally, and gives them a sense of structure and security that most kids need (and want although they can’t really verbalize it).
I came to this conclusion later in the parenting process, and wish I had started it from toddlerhood; therefore, I had some bad habits and behaviors on both our parts to undo—and that was a major challenge. We had a really tough time from about 9–13, and we each were in therapy and on an antidepressants for part of that time, and he had threatened to harm himself more than once.
So I did go through his journal back then. When we first got internet access, he was allowed on it supervised (he was about 10). As he got older, I’d supervise less; but I had some parental controls activated, and I logged his AIM conversations as well as monitored his emails – with his full knowledge. So he could choose what to discuss knowing that I could come across it at some point.
The emails I mostly just scan for spam and garbage to protect the email account and computer. But also for contact from strangers and dysfunctional/toxic family members. The AIM logs I only went through a few times, but a couple times there was some information I was not happy about. Rather than “freaking out”, I addressed it with him calmly, and expressed my concerns, and discussed what I would prefer he do in certain situations and why. He saw that my intentions were of genuine concern for his well-being, rather than a control issue; and in time he began to come to me to talk about things on his own.
Because we have developed an open dialogue, I no longer go through his stuff. In fact, I think I’ve come to trust him a little too much, because the first night of Easter break he stayed out until 2 a.m. (he’s only 17, and not allowed to drive after midnight in NJ). So again, I had to remind him that I am responsible for him. And I also added that even after he’s 18, as long as I am providing the majority of his support, he is accountable to me, and should be courteous of others (I still have to get up for work at 5:30).
Perhaps if our circumstances had been different, and there hadn’t been so many challenges in our lives, I wouldn’t have had to monitor as closely as I did. But then again, I wonder about the other parents… such as the 13 and 14 year old girls whose conversations with and photos that they sent to my son when he was that age showed that they needed supervision, and had way to much exposure to explicit sexual information. So under any circumstances, I think parents need to be really involved with their kids and know who their friends are and what they’re doing in their spare time.