Diplomacy problem: What do I say to my hair stylist?

Honesty is always best.

“You know the last cut? Remember the one before? That was perfect. The last one? Not so much. So, let’s go for perfection, eh buddy?”

I go through this with my wife. You’re paying for a service, I agree with bob be honest. If they are professionals they want you to be happy for that money your spending. Don’t cave, be strong be confident and continue to be understanding your dealing with humans. Good luck and I just bet you look hot whether your hair is in place or all over the place.

Why not just say that you had an interesting time with the haircut you last had, but that you preferred the one you had before, with a few minor changes? Be very clear, keep on top of it while you hair is being cut and make sure he knows what you want.

I wouldn’t talk about the bad haircut itself, just compare it to the one before. Then you’re not bitching about the cut, but explaining what you liked about the other one.

It keeps the emphasis off the bad.

That’s what I would do.
Just left a comment for elijahsuicide, she’s a hairstylist. Might be able to give you tips from that side. :)

I think the best point of reference would be a photo of yourself with the favorite style. I am hopeful that after struggling so long to get it right that you did take one!

Since you’ve changed styles so much, it may be difficult for him to recall what hedid from one visit to the next to three months ago…

If you don’t have a picture, look in the mirror at home and picture the difference between what you had and how it is now (think of it like a ‘compare and contrast’ essay from college). Where was it longer?Were there layers or tapers? Did he use any special tools (e.g. razor or thinning shears)?

I’ve done a lot with my hair over the years and understand how difficult it is… good luck!

Great idea, @hearkat, but it didn’t work. He actually keeps right in his drawer a large photo of me, front, back, and sides, which he sees every time he opens the drawer at his station. It shows the perfect shape from one lucky time last year when it grew out the way I wanted after being cut too short, but apparently it didn’t convey the right message to him when I referred to it.

I could stand to go elsewhere and give up Steve even though I like him a lot, but that would mean losing Randy too—a fate I can’t contemplate!

Hmm, that’s tough then.
Maybe, it can’t be helped then. If he has a photo and won’t follow it, what are your chances?

Hopefully, elijahsuicide can help more. Good luck!

First of all, wow, I can’t believe you’ve been going to the same salon for 20 years! But that being said, you are a loyal customer and you should not have to worry about being “fired” by your stylist. That’s ridiculous. Haven’t you known him long enough to just be frank? Think of all the money you’ve poured into that place over the years. They should be giving you the VIP treatment every time.

I find it odd that no one at this salon can master this haircut. You have a relationship with these people, but it’s not like you go out for drinks with them right? Would it be terrible if you continued to get your hair colored by Randy, but maybe tried another stylist at that salon or elsewhere?

You are paying for a service, be honest with him. Tell him something along the lines of:

“I was kind of unhappy with the last cut, because it seemed that you didn’t really listen to what I said. Do you think that you could try to keep the fullness of my hair, and just trim off some of the length?”

Make it perfectly clear what you want this time, without sounding rude. Maybe he just didn’t understand what you wanted. If he can’t seem to get it right again, then why don’t you try a different style? If it really bothers you too much, then try to decide which is more important to you: the cut, or the color and the relationship. If you find the relationship with Randy and the color you like is more important to you, try to cope with a style that someone at the salon can give you. If the cut is more important to you, get up and try a couple different salons that might be able to give you the cut you want.

I agree with those who say you are paying for a service and should expect to get what you want.
However, relationships with those who have provided a service to you for twenty years can get a bit sticky when it comes to this type of thing.
I would emphasise the positive of previous haircuts…...explain clearly what you want. I think examining yourseld before hand so you can give specific directions ( fuller bangs, shorter back, whatever) would be most helpful too.
Good Luck!

Ha! I see you elijah!

Sorry I’m late ;-)
This is a hard one. The fact that he has a photo of you with the exact haircut you are looking for throws me for a loop. Otherwise I would say that allthough you remember the perfect haircut you got, remember he sees 10+ heads a day, every day since that cut. His memory of the cut isn’t as sharp as yours. But like I said, you mentioning the photo throws that reasoning out the window.
I’m wondering if that one time he just happened to get lucky, and doesn’t really remember how the final look came about. I am guilty of this, as I approach each cut based on the final result I want as opposed to a certain order of steps. Sometimes I just don’t remember my exact moves from a month ago. It’s a bad thing, I will admit.
I’m also wondering if your willingness (expressed to him) to try newer more stylish cuts makes him a bit too relaxed with his creative input. He could possibly think an exciting haircut is in the end the best result, where as you are looking for that one specific cut.
It sounds like you are communicating properly with him, and the picture alone should be enough for him to understand you. Maybe you need to straight out say “I want exactly what you did the time before last”. Before he cuts, point out the parts of the style (weight, shape) that he did well. It’s his job to make you happy. If he doesn’t come through for you this time, I would look for someone else. Your colorist is being dumb. He has a right to choose his clients, but at the same time you are a loyal customer. Pull him aside and tell him you love his work, but you aren’t happy with your cuts. He can’t fault you for wanting to be happy. As an artist he should understand how important it is for you to love your cut.

and a side note: a good stylist knows they can’t be perfect at everything. He shouldn’t be offended if you don’t like his cut, as we all have different styles. I sometimes pass clients on to other stylists if I can see their personal style fits more with a specific stylists skills

Although I agree with most responses that it is fully okay and expected if you just tell the truth. Or even if you switch Steve out for another stylist. I want to give you another option.

When I was working and being trained in the counseling field I learned that people respond better if you don’t place the blame on them. I think your idea of taking the blame might get a better response. And use the sandwich method: positive, negative positive.

Tell Steve that you absolutely LOVED the previous style you had (of course pause to make sure he knows which one) and that all your friends/family adored it as well. Now say that this last haircut was a miscommunication on your part. You were trying to say that you wanted this… but instead you got this… So you know you must have said something wrong. Your apologies for this of course. This time you would love to go back to the previous style and have it fixed up the way you meant to communicate it. And you know he is just the perfect stylist to give you the perfect haircut (end with a positive).

Here is an example in case the above was a bit difficult to follow:
“Hiya Steve. I have just go to tell you that the hairstyle I had before this one was SO perfect for me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. My friends and family loved it so much and i’ve been trying to get that style right for years now. You did such a good job with it. Last time I came in I must have miscommunicated to you what I wanted and I feel like such a jerk for doing so. I was trying to tell you that I LOVED my haircut but just wanted it a bit shorter on the bottom. You know to get it exactly perfect, haha. Of course I know I didn’t communicate this well. So this time I was hoping we could go back to the previous haircut and make it perfect. I know you are the man to do this for me and I am just so excited to see that hairstyle again.”

Just a technique I learned. You may, or may not, find it useful.

maybe he did understand you initially, but once you got to talking and whatnot, he was distracted from the original request. it’s not something he’s done before, but everyone makes a mistake once in awhile. he may have started with the intention of following your request, but then his mind may have switched tracks, and he may not want to admit it. i’m not sure, but all of the suggestions above sound sincere and not a bit rude to me.

Describe the bob. Tell him EXACTLY how you like it, what you liked about it, and what you didnt like from the last job. If he gets pissed off or something, then leave the salon. As everyone else said, you are paying for a service and you shouldnt stay if you are not happy with the result.

Go to This web page and upload your picture. Choose they style exactly how you want it and take the picture in to show him. I did this with my stylist and it was almost scary how exactly she did it!

I do appreciate every response here. What I am after most of all is the actual language to use for best results. I am going to keep rereading what everyone has written and try to settle solidly on a single approach. @elijahsuicide, thank you so much for the pro’s view (and @asmonet, thanks for calling her! and for your own good suggestion). @RedPowerLady, your strategy gives me plenty to think about. @mangeons, you are very wise to suggest that I know beforehand which two out of three points matter the most, in case I can’t have all three.

What I’d like to accomplish is getting the message across while retaining the relationships. I’ll let you know how it went. Thanks very much for all your advice, and further comments are still welcome.

I don’t see how a description or a computerized mock-up can be better than my own photograph with four views of exactly the way he did do it and I would like him to do it again.

@tiffyandthewall, I think you may have something there, and it was a glimmering of the same suspicion that prompted me to put in the details about conversation. I ought to have been paying better attention too—although by the time I noticed, it would have been too late.

@Jeruba Thanks for taking the time to find something you loved about each of our answers, and thank us each! :)

Since there are pictures, couldn’t you just say, “I think I’d like to go back to how you did it that time… it seemed to _ (insert favorable qualities here, such as how it framed your face, how the ends were or weren’t so blunt, how it moved or wasn’t so heavy, etc.). For us to provide you with adjectives to describe the cut, we’d need to see it, so that’s what makes this so tough.

Sorry, @hearkat, I didn’t mean best results = describing the cut. I meant best results = telling him it wasn’t ok last time and I want to try to recapture what he did before. (The pictures did not succeed in guiding him, anyway.)

I’m going to be studying all the comments here because I have been struggling with this problem in my head for more than a month now and I’ve just garnered some good solutions.

@Jeruba I’m coming late to the party so I don’t have much to add to the already great ideas, just sympathy. I have a similar problem. Going to the same guy for about 10 years – one time great haircut, next time, not so much. One thing great about Mike is that if I come back to him within a week and ask him to redo something, he will without charging me. Still, if he cuts something too short or the wrong shape, it can’t really be fixed. He does not get defensive which is great, but I wish I could consistently get the cut I want.

I like RedPowerLady’s approach. I don’t if I would gush quite as much, but I have said, “I really liked the cut before and would like to get bakc to that look.”

Good luck!

Hey Jeruba – Could you let us know what happened?

Yes, we need to know how it all turned out! :)

Ok, I can report now. Thank you all for your help and your interest!

For good measure I consulted my manicurist on Friday afternoon, asking her professional advice on handling the situation. She urged me to preface my comments with a disclaimer (“I don’t want to be a pesky client, but…”) and then just tell him straight out: I liked this, I didn’t like that.

Ahead of time I got pretty clear in my head about what I wanted to convey, remembering all the advice here and especially the sandwich technique, and I also figured out which 2 out of 3 I wanted to preserve: namely, Randy as my colorist and Steve as my stylist. I figured I wasn’t more likely to have better luck with the cut elsewhere if it had stumped two stylists. So I’d best work with Steve and not lose Randy.

Things didn’t unfold exactly as I’d anticipated. There was no opportunity to make an uninterrupted speech. Instead, rather unusually, Steve came over to see me while Randy was getting the color ready. Maybe he was a little concerned himself after last time! He started fluffing my hair and examining the amount of outgrowth (easy to see when there are roots showing) and saying, “So, more than a half inch—almost an inch in this part”—so I had to say no, just taking off the outgrowth wouldn’t do. The shape wasn’t quite right.

I took a deep breath and launched into the explanation of how it was so great the time before last and I wanted to get back to that, and this would mean not taking off so much around the back and sides, but more off the bottom, etc. Then Randy showed up with the color, and Steve went away.

By the time I got to Steve’s station for the cut, he’d had time to think about it, and he looked a little downcast. He was studying the photo from before, and he said something like, “So I went too far last time, huh?” So I went on with reassuring him that he’s wonderful to work with me as he does and that I just loved what he did before, etc., and then I explained as carefully as I could just what I thought we needed to do. And I remembered my manicurist’s suggestion to say “I don’t mind if it has to be a little too short right now as long as the shape is good, because then it will grow out perfect.” I thought that might be necessary in order to correct the proportions.

So he went at it, and we chatted as usual, nothing awkward about it, but I kept an eye on things.

Before he was done I could tell that it was much better. And he did have to go a little short, but I’m not worried.

He tried to charge me only half his usual rate, which tells me he did know there’d been something wrong. But I refused, saying he’d given me a full cut and I wasn’t going to punish him because I’m a bad explainer. And he said he was glad we knew each other well enough for me to tell him frankly when I’m not satisfied.

The real test was yesterday when I shampooed and started over with styling it myself. And it handled much better, and I was able to mostly get the shape I want. It isn’t perfect, but it works, and the least little bit of tuning next time ought to do it.

Did you really read all this? My gosh. Well, here’s a (qualified) happy ending to a long tale.

Good to hear it went well and that it’s behind you, Jeruba!

I did read all of it, I admit it!

I’m glad all worked out @Jeruba! :)

It sounds like it all worked out. Yay!

I am glad it worked out!

I am so glad it worked out for you :)

Thank you! You all were so helpful. After handing out advice of my own on fluther, being on the receiving end of such great suggestions is like collecting generous interest on a modest investment.

Yay! Jeruba! I’m glad we helped!