How and how much will you change for a partner?

If you need to change for your partner, actually, you better change your partner….
How do I justify my answer, pretty simple, my partner is supposed to be with me for who I am, loving even the incomplete/defective parts…

I don’t think you should change for a partner unless you changed from what you were when you met and it’s something you have control over and WANT to do.

Remember, “for better and for worse”.

Under no circumstances would I get surgery (plastic or otherwise).

I think this is the sort of thing that has to be decided on a case by case basis.

In general, I would never compromise any of my values or beliefs, but I’d be willing to change most behaviors, probably—for instance, I can’t stand knuckle cracking, and most people I know are willing to abstain while they’re around me, even my wonderful and amazing roommate who has to see me every day. I would give up something comparable if it bothered my partner.

I think appearances are a different beast. If your partner doesn’t like the way you look, that’s a bigger problem than compromise can handle. Then again, if your partner thinks you’re hot, but could be hotter, why not try a new look? As long as your partner will accept it if you don’t like it and want to change back.

If someone changes to please others they will usually come to resent it over time, and ultimately that will have a negative impact on the relationship. I have learned from experience that the desire to change has to be from within the individual for themselves in order for the change to have a positive and lasting impact on their lives.

And as @flameboi says, love between partners should be unconditional.

I agreed to stop drinking in order to fall asleep
I asked them to start wearing a seatbelt when in cars

I think it has to do with those areas that compromise your core values. I don’t think that those values should be compromised or should partners expect each other to compromise them. If it’s only superficial, then you should accept your partner but try to make reasonable changes that you know may please them.

Some change is good. If your partner doesn’t make you want to be better than you are, I see that as a problem. I feel like I’m constantly evolving in my relationship, It’s not that we ask each other to change, but we want to. We inspire each other to be better people.

I tried changing for a partner, he tried changing for me too. After 21 years of both of us trying to fit into the little boxes the other wanted us in, we realized it was basically impossible.

A long time ago I heard Sally Jesse Raphael (of all people!) describe two people who can be happily married as people “whose faults suit each other.” I think that is pretty true.

I wouldn’t. And, I wouldn’t expect her to either. If she is happy with the way that she is, that’s all that matters to me.

I kept my house cleaner, I shared my bed, I listened and modified my parenting style to accommodate another persons input, I learned to scuba dive, I became less of a couch potato, I try to go to bed earlier, I became more selective in the way I volunteer, .... I made a lot of changes to be in an amazing relationship with an amazing man. He made a lot of changes too. We are both better for it because we bring out the best in each other, (20 years later and still in the love bubble.)

I gave up expecting him to meet my level of house keeping, and changed my perception of what presents (gifts)were about. I gave up my dream of owning an RV and taking a trip around the country.

@everyone who answered… what changes have you made that you found most beneficial to your relationship?

I am asking because of an argument I had with my bf last night. We have made little changes for each other, mostly in terms of appearance (stuff like I don’t wear my converse around him and I’m gonna try red hair in the fall, he dresses preppier than he normally would). When I argue I yell then get over it really fast. He hates it to the point of making the argument about it. On one hand, this is who I am, your way is not necessarily better than mine. On the other hand, I want things to work. That’s just the reason for my asking this q, but I don’t really want the answers to focus on me, you know?

Absolutely nothing. I’ve been down that road before, and it almost lead to my demise. Making yourself crazy trying to be someone you’re not just to please someone you think you want to be with is exhausting. And why bother being with someone if you have to change something about yourself anyway? Just my opinion.

@hug_of_war – bing!bing!bing!bing!bing! My sentiments exactly. You and your partner in relationship ideally share growth in positive ways that make you the best “you” possible and enable you to share the benefits of that growth with the world.

I started riding dirt bikes and atvs. He started trying new restaurants and museums.

I would never change the core person that I am, nor would I ask my partner to change those things about him. Sure, we’ve changed lots of little things, most have just evolved.

I have stopped freaking out at the sight of a mess. I am a natural born neat freak – he is the opposite. We’ve both changed, I think it’s been good for me. I don’t freak out, as much.

My eyesight is going, and I honestly thought the q read: How much will you charge for a partner? Which got me thinking… but, alas, that wasn’t the question now was it…

@Zen I gotta admit… I saw the q on the front page and for a split second I thought someone asked that…

@Zen So did I, until I read some of the other answers.

Race ya to ask the question….

@Zen 3, 2, 1… GO! I’ll be right behind ya :)

pass, I only get two, so I’m going to make sure they count

Okay, not nice: who tripped me…!?!

Very, very little. About the only thing I think is worth working on and changing is how you communicate with each other. Especially how you fight. Recognizing one another’s fighting styles and making accommodations for them can be very helpful. My husband and I are quite different in this regard, so I have learned when to back off and re-broach the subject at a calmer time. Our fights are shorter and much more productive than they used to be.

My shoes? My hair? My values? Off limits.

When I was younger and dumber, I would have said, “Hell no, take me as I am.”

I know better now. The right person will help you change for the better when you are ready to change.

@3or4monsters See you at the next Scientology meeting, dear. Bring a thermos?

I’ve pretty much completely changed my lifestyle for my boyfriend.

Of course I changed – for the better. Had I not, my house would be full of crap, I’d never shave, I’d be sitting at the kitchen table in my underwear surfing the net, my motorcycle would be parked in the living room, I’d eat canned sardines for dinner, and I’d do laundry once a month, need it or not.
I would not want to be with woman who’d accept me like that.
If you both change for the better, the partner and the relationship are worth the effort.

I’m way too lazy, selfish, and stubborn to change for anyone. The best partner you can find is someone who accepts you as you are. You’ll feel more at home with that person.

@Lupin Have you been spying on me? Not nice to tell everyone about how I live.

Hey we’re guys. We know how we really are and what we’ll do for women.
Do you shoot squirrels form the kitchen window too?

@Lupin with a regular gun or a homemade potato cannon?

When I read the question, I interpreted “changing for your partner” as if the partner made a demand or gave an ultimatum…

I see that others interpreted it differently. The positive changes some have noted were as a result of compromise and maturity, or a willingness to try something new, as “changing with/because of” a partner’s support and encouragement.

Obviously these are very different scenarios… so I wanted to clarify the difference in interpretation.

@hearkat all answers are appreciated, but I meant for your partner.

@Lupin I don’t shoot animals.

Sorry I’m so late to reply I had to work Aw shucks…
@Zen With a name like Zen I should have assumed you don’t. We live in the country where there is always something either chewing on your walls, digging in your foundation, or gnawing on your barn timbers.

@3or4monsters It sounds like you are familiar with potato cannons too. The animals in the forest enjoy the veggie medley.

@Lupin Zen is my moniker, nick, or user-name. I don’t shoot small animals because they are defenseless, and my 357 Magnum would make a mess of ‘em, not leaving hardly any meat. I prefer big game, or people who piss me off. You were saying…?

OOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMM.

@Zen I’d recommend Remington CBee22’ s. They don’t disturb the neighbors.
Namaste!

I would make him more compassionate, he is definitely of the mind that its each man for himself out in the “real world”

*I am changing my career at his request and with his help

*He is paying better attention to his health

@Lupin
Remington and Namaste seem like strange bedfellows.

@SeventhSense So are Zen and 357 Magnum. But, that’s the beauty of Fluther.
Like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get.

@SeventhSense: there are more than a few people who find their drishte at about 12yds.

Silly jellies

Although I have changed much over the last 23 or 24 years, some of the change has been for my lovely, and some has been with. The biggest change was my career choice—music. I needed to do something to provide steady income to our partnership, and my music was just not bringing in any money. She did not want to share my “starving artist” lifestyle, and I had no right to insist that she did.

That being said, I’m basically the same person I was a quarter of a century ago, only older, wiser, and much less lonely.