If you see your college aged kid making some really dumb choices, how long before you interrupt and try to set him straight?

You think his friends are bad people because they’re not in school? Seriously? Is that the issue..?

@casheroo – not cause they are not in school, it is because the will not look for work, they have zero ambition to do anything other than get drunk. It’s really hard to put into words exactly, but you know when there is something going on but you can’t put your finger on it?...maybe I am overreacting, but there have also been personality changes with my son as well…since he started hanging out with this group of kids. I really am not a prude or anything like that. And I do believe he should be making his own life and so on, but just seeing the road that he is heading down now makes me wonder.

I would worry that he is hanging with people who apparently have no ambition or goals. And even though it is legal, alcohol ruins more lives than drugs ever did so that would worry me. But there is not much you can do if he is college age. When the kids who worked for me complained about school, I always told them I hated school too but I like money and what it buys, independence, cars, houses and you pretty much need some sort of skill to earn it. Hopefully your own work ethic and example will be stronger than the influence of his peers.

Are you serious? Leave him alone.
I don’t judge my friends based on employment or laziness or the choice to go to college or not. Not everyone is ambitious, I don’t judge my friends for their life choices unless it directly affects my own. Your kids employed, enrolled and doing well I assume.

When he starts to slip, that’s when you step in and give advice. Otherwise, he’s too old for you to be stepping in and commenting on who he chooses to hang out with.

And you most certainly don’t interrupt and set him straight. If my mother tried to give me anything but advice, I’d resist. Especially if I considered it a trivial matter.

I’m 22, in college and actively looking for employment. I have friends graduating this year, I have friends entering masters programs, and I have friends that have worked busing tables for the last six years. I love them all. If it matters.

I usually try to spend time with my younger daughter’s friends and be non-judgmental. Some of the kids that seem to have no goals or ambition, actually do, but lack confidence or support to move forward. I’ve been pleasantly surprised in a lot of cases. In others, kids who I thought were good kids, really weren’t what they appeared to be.

Kids are going to experiment in college. I think if I were in that situation, I’d let my son or daughter live their life until something serious happened such as declining grades, quitting of a job, or sudden drastic changes in attitude or behavior.

@asmonet Thanks, that is what I was wondering, sometimes as parents we lose sight of the big picture and only have to tunnel vision of “protecting” our kids.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic Thanks again…I really am not an ogre or anything :-), like a told asmonet I think parental tunnel vision gets in the way.

Yeah, and I can appreciate that, but until he’s actually changing his behavior noticeably, they’re just friends. And college kids drink. Even the good ones. Take a step back and see how he conducts his own life. At some point it is going to be his responsibility to live his life. And you’re not gonna be there to fix it if he fails. If he’s a good kid, he’ll turn out fine.

I really wouldn’t worry about him. If he stays on the right track, continuing to attend class and receive good grades, them obviously what his friends are doing is not affecting him. And even if his grades slipped, I wouldn’t put the blame on his friends, your son will be at fault as well.
I can imagine it’s hard watching your child become an adult, I dread the day :( But, we have to let them make their own choices in life, and sometimes they make mistakes.

Once they hit college, they’re not kids; they’re adults with training wheels. Treating them like you would a young co-worker can be helpful. Detach yourself from the outcome of their actions. As soon as they realize that they are responsible for their successes and their failures, the less likely they are to fail.

Never said you were @Tangent_J
All good parents are going to ocassionally be concerned about what their progeny are doing.
He’s in class and going to work. So long as that’s going on there’s not much time to get into that much trouble.

@casheroo I try not to worry…but I suppose I wouldn’t be a parent if I didn’t. My college life was different. I cannot relate to what he is doing now. I was in the military at his age and going to school. They totally controlled my life…haha

Gosh….maybe you guys could just talk? About him, his goals and ambitions and how he hopes to achieve them? Maybe sort of avoid mentioning his present choices as that could be construed as criticism that he’ll just shut out, and perhaps shut you out, but keep the discussion along the lines of what he wants from his life….? People do like to talk about themselves.

@Dutchess12 I think maybe my question was a little harshly worded with the “set him straight” part. That is my question though, when do you have the sit down? I want him to make his life his own, but I also hope that he can use my wisdom a little. I totally understand my mom and dad now that he is older.

If he’s ever in trouble with the law, get all up in there.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic – so far that has not been an issue. I think part of it is, he works and goes to school, so that takes up most of his time. He sort of lives at home and sort of not. He often doesn’t come home rather he just stays out at his friends place. Just a bit frustrating! I guess this is just the rant of a dad watching his boy get older.

Oh hon! It just seems to get tougher the older they get, not easier like you’d think! Well, like with any discussion, if you can find a way to work into it naturally, that’s when people will be the most receptive. If you start a discussion with “I have to talk to you,” that puts people on the defensive right off the bat. The best time? When the chance comes up. Today, tomorrow, next week, whenever it happens. And I wish you the best of luck! (PS…sounds like you’ve done a great job so far! So take heart. “Raise a child in the way they should go, and when they are older they will not depart from it….” Doesn’t say anything about when they’re younger tho!! OH! I just saw! You’re the dad?! That kind of concern from a father is so, so awesome! That’s a good part of the battle. Also, now that I know you’re the dad, hey, just throw throw him the window a bit. That’ll learn ‘im!!)

@Dutchess12 – consider him “flung”..haha

Pull him aside one day for a quick but serious voice talk saying something like, “you’re entering a new world with new adult eyes and there’s so much out there you’ll want to take in. Choose wisely, be careful for yourself and for the people who love you.” He will probably look at you like you’re nuts but just smile, (hug him real quick or slap on back, etc) and excuse yourself. He’ll stop and wonder what all he’s been doing or thinking that might trigger you to act strangely, he might re question some things. He’ll feel loved and respected not to receive a lecture but more of a man to man exchange.

My dad sounded just like you. He always told me that my friends would turn out shit because some didnt graduate HS or some arent enrolled in college. But i need my friends, i love my friends and what they do is their choice for whatever they want in life. My dad saying these things just made me not want to talk to him about it, not want to stop hanging with my friends.

I think you should tell him, theres people that you need to watch out for in college that are gonna try you to get stupid shit but keep your nose clean and eye on the prize and he should be ok. I know ive made choices here at college that would make my parents cringe but im still doing okay and they know that.

i have a college-aged son and yes! when he does it the wrong way or against the law, my wife and i do set him straight.

@Triiiple – thanks for the insight…

as soon as you can before it gets out of control (note: I was the college kid making poor choices and I wish my parents had talked to me before they did) They talked to me when it was super late, but not too late, anyway, if my parents would have talked to me by the time I just started, maybe I would have listened to them more carefully, realized that I was WRONG, and of course, I would have avoid all te things I had to deal with, I made my mess and I had to clean it up afterwards… I guess the mess would have been a lot smaller…

and believe me, drinking was not even a problem to me, the trouble I got into was bigger than just booze and friends, but as usua, it started like that…

Watch out for the big killer. Do whatever you have to to keep him from getting behind the wheel drunk (or with another driver who is). If that means that he knows he can call you any time to pick him up, so be it. Just make sure he knows that taking advantage of such an offer won’t result in punishment or judgement.

@Poser thanks!

@Tangent_J There’s also the taxi option. If he’s out of money and drunk, he should know that taking a taxi to wherever you are will result in a paid cab fare and a sandwich.

Tell him how you feel. Open and honest communication is essential in every true relationship. Avoid using judgemental statements and don’t criticize his friends for what you may think are shortcomings. The conversation can be more about letting him know you love him and that you want to know he is doing ok.