How would you explain death to a child?

I feel it’s best to just be honest about everything right from the start.

It all depends on your religion too of course, and what you want to pass on. I feel christianity offers me an easy way out. She can discard it later, but for now I just tell her that people have a soul which will go to heaven and meet other dead people and be happy, whereas the body is no longer needed and that’s why we bury it. And that people we love always remain in our heart.

Depending on the age, it’s not really possible. They will just have to experience the fact that the deceased will never return.

I’m not sure and I’ve never had to, but since I have a baby nephew, I’ll give it a shot…

Depending on the age, I’d say something like, “_______ had to go away. And I’m sorry, but they won’t be coming back.” I’d leave it at that, and let them do what they want with that.

If they came back with “Why?” or “Where did they go?” I have no idea what I’d say. Looking forward to other answers.

I had this heartbreaking task in January, when my father died. My son was 5, at the time and my daughter 14. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever had to tell them, but I sat them both down and told them that their Papa (we believe in God – I’m not saying this to turn it into a religious debate.) had gone to heaven. I explained that he had fought for a long time with a disease and his body was weak. I reminded them that he had a stroke (unfortunately, on his birthday, Dec. 24th) and he just never got better. I told them that sometimes, it’s just too much on a person’s body.

Later, my daughter wanted to know more, I explained what she wanted to know. She really wanted to know if he suffered. She was so worried about him suffering. He didn’t. He slowly stopped breathing.

My son, he understood that he wasn’t coming back, but he still asks from time-to-time about why he died and I take a deep breath and try to keep the tears from coming again, and tell him again. I let him know it’s okay to show emotion, but if I start crying – I can’t talk about it.

The best advice I got was to let them talk when they want to talk, don’t force it, but let them lead the conversation.

@Trustinglife I don’t think I would ever recommend telling a child the deceased “went away”. That is a form of lying. My advice is to always use the words more closely associated with death, such as passed away or died.

A child as young as three can understand the idea. It’s best if they have some exposure to it before you have to tell them about a person’s death. I would never let them think a person they loved had voluntarily gone away when they had actually died. Why teach them that they’ve been abandoned by a loved one?

When my son was just barely three, he found a desiccated spider in the corner, its long delicate legs all limp and dangling. With the child’s infinite trust in parental superpowers (a belief I tried never to encourage), he brought it to me and asked, “Can you fix it?” (We always treat spiders gently and respectfully in our house.) I said, “No, sweetheart, I can’t. It’s dead.” He stared down at the little creature in his hand for a moment, and then his face just crumpled. I naver had to give more of an explanation of “dead” than that.

I’m glad I put my answer out there to be critiqued. I’m learning here from your experiences. Looking forward to seeing more answers…

There was an excellent thread on this a few weeks ago, with some book recommendations and ideas. You can read it here.

I should mention, it’s mainly about dealing with the conversations that follow, but the books are a great tool in my opinion for broaching the subject.

My grandson’s ya-ya (other grandma) died Friday (his 3rd birthday.) His baby brother doesn’t really understand and I am not sure he does either. We were at her house today trying to sort through things. His parents told him that she is with Jesus in heaven now and she is getting a new healthy body. He said, “Can I watch the mickey Mouse DVD now?
This must be even harder for someone who doesn’t have a faith background. It just sucks, no matter what.

Perhaps one could compare it to the time before birth. To quote Mark Twain, “I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.” Certainly that may raise additional questions, but curiosity is a good thing. Choosing to provide an authoritative answer containing assertions for which there is no evidence—such as many religious folk tend to do—seems less-than-ideal to me.

I have the feeling that many people give the fairy-tale explanation to children, not because they wish to spare the children from uncomfortable truths, rather do so in response to their own anxieties.

Either way, it serves no benefit to the child to give a made-up explanation.

With very young children, the permanence of death is the tricky part. Once they get a bit older, they can understand better. I also think it’s important to always be honest. My husband’s grandmother died last spring, and we sat the kids down and told them. Our youngest was three at the time, and he seemed to “get it.” For a long time they’d ask questions out of nowhere, like “Why did Grandma die?” The same questions over and over. We just answered them the best we could, like @cak said above. We also took them to the funeral.

I have noticed that since then my two youngest have gone through phases where they ask all the time, “Are you going to die? Am I going to die?” The other day, my 5 year old kept hiding under my bed, crying. He wouldn’t tell me what was wrong, but later said he was crying because he doesn’t want to die. It’s tempting to say, “You’re never going to die!” Instead, I talk about how young and healthy he is, and how we take good care of him, or how if he gets sick we have a great doctor to help him get better. It seems to help. Learning about the permanence of death has been easy for our kids, thanks to my inability to keep fish alive for very long. They know that when something dies, it stays dead.

We’re not really religious but I was told that they had gone to heaven and were watching over us. At night time we’d look at the stars and pick out the brightest saying “there’s grandma” or “there’s uncle snowy”. I don’t believe that any more but I don’t hate my parents for it. It was a nice way to explain it, I think, cause I always felt like I had someone looking out for me. Though definitely not in a creepy way, since a child wouldn’t really think of it that way.

@Judi I don’t think it’s harder when you don’t have a background in faith. If someone doesn’t have faith in a religion, then it doesn’t make them wish they were religious just to tell a child someone went to heaven.
Personally, I’d just tell my child that the person has gone away forever, that they’re in a better place, wherever that may be. I personally don’t follow a religion but do believe in Heaven.

I’m not sure how to deal with the lead up to someones parting, but after it may be an idea to keep a memory box, where you fill it with things like perfume/aftershave, makeup, photos, tickets from days out, letters etc… That way you have a permenant reminder of how they smell, look etc… I told my daughter that pets/ loved ones go to heaven (we are Catholic) We also say that they may not be with us anymore but they still live in our hearts and memories and try to think about the good things that they/we have experienced. I also think it is a nice idea to think about the people we have lost as the stars at night looking down on us, it gives you a focus to look at when remembering the person you have lost.
My daughter knows that she will never see the person/animal again but we like to keep memories alive instead.

I think it depends on the parents’ attitude about death. If you are comfortable with the idea, then no matter what you say, the child will understand it as a normal end to life. If you are uncomfortable, that will be communicated to the child, and no matter what you say, they’ll think you’re lying.

We don’t believe in God or heaven, so I just told my kids that death is the end. There is no more. They’re cool with it. They’ve seem me cry at the death of a very close friend. They see the feelings involved. Sometimes they ask me if I’m going to cry if someone else dies. I think that demonstration of emotion taught them more than anything I could say.

I don’t think we need comforting ideas, like we’ll see the person again. It’s the end, and that hurts like hell, and we deal with it. I don’t want to gloss over the feelings by trying to pretend they aren’t what they are.

In our family, it started when my children were in grade school; their beloved white rat, Ratty, croaked. We put him in a nice little box with cushioning and buried him under a hemlock tree. Then we put up a little tombstone. That was a good reference point, but my kids were not pre-schoolers.

@Vinifera7 – We do clarify the difference between death and then our belief of a person going to heaven – which is what we choose to believe. We are very clear about the medical side, people die for many reasons, we don’t make up stories about the cause or just say, “God called them home.” My father died from a stroke and complications from a disease he had been living with, for several years. That was my answer. Separate to that, we discuss our religious beliefs. Also to clarify, neither my husband or I mandate a belief in religion. My daughter does question it and has, for some time now. That’s okay with us, she’s 15 now – I would rather her question it and make her own decision.

We do not make any grand speeches or give authoritative answers, based in religion about death. Death should be clear for children, as far as why it happens. Then, if a family has certain religious beliefs, discuss those beliefs.

My family has non-believers and believers…and one that we’re all pretty sure worships fire hydrants. Whatever we all believe, we know that death is something that is confusing for children, it needs to be clear in it’s explanation.

My kids still have not had to deal with an extremely close family member die. They have known and understood death since they were young. We have had a few pets die, they were buried and the kids decorated stepping stones as headstones. I think it was easier to say Oreo went to guinea pig heaven. I still attended church when the kids were young. I still tried to believe but it wasn’t really there. My kids know I don’t try to believe anymore, but I’ve made it clear I want them to decide for themselves. They have been to wakes and funerals, but like I said we haven’t had to deal with anyone very close dying.
My daughter’s cheerleading coach was murdered by her husband a few months ago. He then killed himself. They left two kids behind. The daughter is my daughter’s friend. That death was a lot harder to explain.

@casheroo ; but how does someone who doesn’t believe in heaven handle it? How hard must that be to communicate to a kid? Like I said. Death sucks either way.
@daloon; That is quite courageous.

As a child, my family explained to me bodies get worn out, they get sick or accidents happen. I wanted to know if we ever see the dead people again so my grandparents said some people believe in a heaven of reunification and my parents said they didn’t know if a heaven existed and it was up to me to believe what I needed so long as I honored dead loved ones by living the best I could. I think I was only about 3 or 4yrs old at the time but it was reasonable enough to me to have kept the memory and the outlook.

Great answer @Jeruba and @hungryhungryhortence.

It looks like people have given you some good advice. Might I also recommend the following books: (the first are directly for kids, the second group is for parents)

- Badger’s Parting Gifts

Author: Susan Varley

Publisher: HarperCollins, 1992 & ISBN: 0688115187

Brief Description: Warm and sensitive illustrations reflect the hopeful mood of this tale about woodland animals learning to accept their friend Badger’s death. Ages 4-up.

- Empowering Children throught Art and Expression: Culturally Sensitive Ways of Healing Trauma and Grief

Author: Bruce St. Thomas & Paul Johnson

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2007 & ISBN: 1843107899
Brief Description: The book explores how children express and resolve unspoken feelings about traumatic experiences in play and other creative activities, based on their observations of peer support groups, outreach programs and through individuals’ own accounts. The authors argue that such activities in a safe context can be both a means of expressing trauma and a coping strategy for children to overcome it. This book combines personal and professional perspectives, using case examples as well as the authors’ own childhood experiences, to demonstrate practical strategies for use with children, from drama and storytelling to sculpting with clay. It also equips the reader with knowledge of the theory behind these intervention techniques.

- Help Me Say Goodbye: Activities for Helping Kids Cope When a Special Person Dies

Author: Janis Silverman

Publisher: Fairview Press, 1999 & ISBN: 1577490851

Brief Description: An art therapy and activity book for children coping with the death of someone they love. Sensitive exercises address all the questions children may have during this emotional and troubling crisis. Children are encouraged to express in pictures what they are often incapable of expressing in words.

- I Miss You: A First Look At Death

Author: Pat Thomas

Publisher: Barron’s Educational Series, 2001 & ISBN: 0764117645
Brief Description: When a close friend or family member dies, it can be difficult for children to express their feelings. This book helps boys and girls understand that death is a natural complement to life, and that grief and a sense of loss are normal feelings for them to have following a loved one’s death. Titles in this sensitively presented series explore the dynamics of various relationships experienced by children of preschool through early school age. Kids are encouraged to understand personal feelings and social problems as a first step in dealing with them. Written by psychotherapist and counselor Pat Thomas, these books promote positive interaction among children, parents, and teachers. The story lines are simple and direct—easily accessible to younger children. There are full-color illustrations on every page. (Ages 4–7)

- Lifetimes

Author: Bryan Mellonie

Publisher: Bantam, 1983 & ISBN: 0553344021
Brief Description: This sensitive book is a useful tool in explaining to children that death is a part of life and that, eventually, all living things reach the end of their own special lifetimes.

- Sad Isn’t Bad: A Good-Grief Guidebook for Kids Dealing With Loss

Author: Michaelene Mundy

Publisher: Abbey Press, 1998 & ISBN: 0870293214

Brief Description: Loaded with positive, life-affirming advice for coping with loss as a child, this guide tells children what they need to know after a loss—that the world is still safe; life is good; and hurting hearts do mend. Written by a school counselor, this book helps comfort children facing of the worst and hardest kind of reality. Full color.

- Tear Soup

Author: Pat Schwiebert

Publisher: Grief Watch, 2005 & ISBN: 0961519762
Brief Description: In this modern fable, accompanied with full color illustrations, a woman who has suffered a terrible (unnamed) loss cooks up a special batch of “tear soup,” blending the unique ingredients of her life into the grief process. Along the way she dispenses a recipe of sound advice for those who are in mourning or know someone who has suffered a loss. With more than 60,000 copies in print, Tear Soup is one of the most popular grief resources available for children and adults.

- Tell Me, Papa

Author: Dr. Marvin Johnson & Joy Johnson

Publisher: Center for Thanatology Research, 2001 & ISBN: 1561230111
Brief Description: Answers to questions children ask about death and dying. A gentle explaination for children about death and the funeral. Tells children about what happens when you die, explains the funeral, cremation and answers questions honestly. Useful tool for parents and caregivers searching for he rigt words to say.

- The Dragonfly Secret: A Story of Boundless Love

Author: Clea Adams & John Adams & Barbara L. Gibson

Publisher: Feather Rock Books, Inc., 2008 & ISBN: 1934066133
Brief Description: The Dragonfly Secret is an excellent children’s book that is intended to help family members when they are faced with the passing of a loved one. This book is intended for the nine to twelve year-old age group and it offers an important message that is finally revealed at the book’s end. The element of suspense present in this book keeps you guessing and many readers will not even realize what is taking place until they reach the book’s closing pages.

- The Fall of Freddie the Leaf

Author: Leo Buscaglia

Publisher: Slack, 2002 & ISBN: 0805071954

Brief Description: “The Fall of Freddie the Leaf” is a great book about dealing with loss. It’s billed as a children’s book, but adults will appreciate it as well. Freddie is a leaf on a tree, and learns from the wise leaf Daniel that all the leaves will eventually die and fall to the ground. When Freddie says he is scared, Daniel tells him that “We all fear what we don’t know, Freddie. It’s natural, yet, you were not afraid when Spring became Summer. You were not afraid when Summer became Fall. They were natural changes. Why should you be afraid of the season of death?” In addition, “Freddie the Leaf” delivers the important message life is bigger than any individual thing, that we’re all a part of it, and that it goes on.

- The Gift of a Memory: A Keepsake to Commemorate the Loss of a Loved One

Author: Marianne Richmond

Publisher: Marianne Richmond Studios Inc. , 2001 & ISBN: 097414651X

Brief Description: A warm and gentle gift of love, the Gift of a Memory commemorates the loss of a special life. This one-of-a-kind keepsake offers sensitive compassion, hope and comfort. A beautiful section in the back of the book honors your memories, inviting family and friends to record their treasured recollections.

- Water Bugs & Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children

Author: Doris Stickney

Publisher: Pilgrim Press, 2004 & ISBN: 0829816240

Brief Description: Aimed primarily at children this book uses the allegory of metamorphosis to assist in understanding death.

- When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death

Author: Laurie Kransy Brown & Marc Brown

Publisher: Little, Brown Young Readers, 1998 & ISBN: 0316119555
Brief Description: Ages 5^-8. Unlike many books on death for little ones, this one doesn’t tell a story. Instead, it addresses children’s fears and curiosity head-on, and in a largely secular fashion, by answering some very basic questions: “Why does someone die?” “What does dead mean?” “What comes after death?” Other questions deal with emotions, and there’s a section about death customs. The forthright approach makes the subject seem less mysterious and provides kids with plenty to think about and discuss with their parents. It’s the brightly colored artwork, however, that will really enable children to relax with the concept.

- What on Earth Do You Do When Someone Dies?

Author: Trevor Romain

Publisher: Free Spirit Publishing, 1999 & ISBN: 1575420554
Brief Description: Ages 9–12. Simple, insightful, and straight from the heart, this book is for any child who has lost a loved one. The author talks directly to kids about what death means and how to cope. He answers questions kids have about death—Why? How? What next? Is it my fault? What’s a funeral?—in basic straightforward terms.

- 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child

Author: Dougy Center Staff

Publisher: Dougy Center, 1999 & ISBN: 189053403X
Brief Description: If you know a child or teen who has experienced a death, this guidebook presents you with simple and practical suggestions for how to support him or her. Learn what behaviors and reactions to expect from children at different ages, ways to create safe outlets for children to express their thoughts and feelings and how to be supportive during special events such as the memorial service, anniversaries and holidays.

- A Child’s View of Grief: A Guide for Parents, Teachers, and Counselors

Author: Alan D. Wolfelt

Publisher: Companion Press, 2004 & ISBN: 1879651432
Brief Description: Parents, teachers, and other adults can learn through this concise and caring guide to how children and adolescents grieve after someone they love dies. Exploring the six reconciliation needs of mourning, this helpful resource recognizes that grieving children are especially deserving of an emotional environment of love and acceptance. Including a historical perspective on children and death, this handbook helps adults recognize the importance of empathy toward a grieving child, and provides guidelines for involving children in funeral services. These suggestions can help anyone who wants to help young people better cope with grief so that they can go on to become emotionally healthy adults themselves.

- Children and Grief: Helping Your Child Understand Death

Author: Joey OConnor

Publisher: Revell, 2004 & ISBN: 0800759761
Brief Description: This is a book written for you and your children,” explains Joey O’Connor. “It initiates a conversation on a difficult subject most people prefer to avoid. It is about people like you and me struggling to figure out what they really believe when the unbelievable has happened. And then wondering, ‘What in the world am I going to say to my kids? How am I going to explain what just happened in our family and what I believe about the God who saw this whole thing happen?” Children and Grief offers parents a way to approach these tough questions with honesty, tenderness, and hope.

- Healing A Child’s Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Families, Friends and Caregivers

Author: Alan D. Wolfelt

Publisher: Companion Press, 2001 & ISBN: 1879651289
Brief Description: A compassionate resource for friends, parents, relatives, teachers, volunteers, and caregivers, this series offers suggestions to help the grieving cope with the loss of a loved one. Often people do not know what to say—or what not to say—to someone they know who is mourning; this series teaches that the most important thing a person can do is listen, have compassion, be there for support, and do something helpful. This volume addresses what to expect from grieving young people, and how to provide safe outlets for children to express emotion. Included in each book are tested, sensitive ideas for “carpe diem” actions that people can take right this minute—while still remaining supportive and honoring the mourner’s loss.

- Heaven’s Not a Crying Place: Teaching Your Child About Funerals, Death, and the Life Beyond

Author: Joey O’Connor

Publisher: Chosen Books, 1997 & ISBN: 0800756436
Brief Description: Writing with warmth and understanding, Joey O’Connor shows how to teach your child to trust God and celebrate life and to deal with, learn from, and have hope in the face of death.

- Helping Children Cope With the Loss of a Loved One: A Guide for Grownups

Author: William C. Kroen

Publisher: Free Spirit Publishing , 1996 & ISBN: 1575420007

Brief Description: Dr. William Kroen offers sound advice, comfort and compassion to any adult helping a child cope with death. Weaving in anecdotes about real children and their families, he explains how children from infancy through age 18 perceive and react to death and offers suggestions for how to respond to children at different ages and stages. Specific strategies are offered to guide and support them through the grieving process.

- Helping Children Grieve: When Someone They Love Dies

Author: Theresa M. Huntley

Publisher: Augsburg Fortress Publishers, 2002 & ISBN: 0806642653

Brief Description: This straightforward book helps adults talk to children in meaningful ways, nurturing their faith and building their emotional strength during a time of crisis. The author explains common reactions (emotional, physical, and behavioral) parents can expect from children of all ages, and offers adults the spiritual tools they need to help children cope with a significant loss.

- Keys to Helping Children Deal With Death and Grief

Author: Joy Johnson

Publisher: Barron’s Educational Series, 1999 & ISBN: 0764109634
Brief Description: An experienced bereavement specialist tells parents how to explain the concept of death in ways that will be understandable to children. She helps parents anticipate childrens responses and needs, shows how to cope with funeral rites in meaningful ways, and points out the importance of incorporating the loss into a positive sense of personal memories. She examines the natural process of grief that every bereaved personboth child and adultpasses through.

- Overcoming Loss: Activities and Stories to Help Transform Children’s Grief and Loss

Author: Julia Sorensen

Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Pub, 2008 & ISBN: 1843106469
Brief Description: Overcoming Loss is a photocopiable resource that addresses childrens’ feeling of loss, which can arise from changing communities, schools, moving house, divorce or the death of a parent or grandparent. Children are limited to a vocabulary of broad emotions like ‘happy’, ‘sad’ and ‘angry’, and are often unable to articulate their grief in words. This can impair their long-term emotional development.The activities in Overcoming Loss use the power of play and creative arts to give the grieving child the language to identify subtle feelings, such as shame, despair and jealousy. Designed to encourage social and emotional learning, these exercises employ play, art and story-telling to access the ways in which children naturally express their feelings, and offers opportunities for parents and professionals to direct the child towards understanding their emotions.

- Parenting a Grieving Child: Helping Children Find Faith, Hope, and Healing After the Loss of a Loved One

Author: Mary DeTurris Poust

Publisher: Loyola Press, 2002 & ISBN: 0829415270
Brief Description: For children, understanding death and grief can be overwhelming. Drawing on personal experience and expert advice, author Mary DeTurris Poust offers this practical guide for parents helping children through the grieving process. Written from a faith perspective, the book emphasizes the role of religion in grieving and healing.

- Sibling Grief: Healing after the Death of a Sister or Brother

Author: P. Gill White

Publisher: iUniverse, Inc., 2006 & ISBN: 0595385133
Brief Description: Sibling Grief is White’s validation of the emotional significance of sibling loss. She draws on clinical experience, research, and wisdom from hundreds of bereaved siblings to explain the five healing tasks specific to sibling grief. White identifies the effects of this profound loss on daily actions and emotions and describes the dream patterns of bereaved siblings, showing how healing is reflected in the dream state. Throughout, she illustrates the long-lasting connection between siblings—a connection that death itself cannot sever. Sibling Grief is a powerful mix of information, personal reflections, and poetry—just what you need to begin your own healing journey.

- Talking about Death: A Dialogue Between Parent and Child

Author: Earl A. Grollman

Publisher: Beacon Press, 1991 & ISBN: 0807023639

Brief Description: Why do people die? How do you explain the loss of a loved one to a child? This book is a compassionate guide for adults and children to read together, featuring a readalong story, answers to questions children ask about death, and a comprehensive list of resources and organizations that can help.

- When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses

Author: John W. James & Russell Friedman & Dr. Leslie Matthews

Publisher: Collins Living, 2002 & ISBN: 0060084294
Brief Description: Coauthors of The Grief Recovery Handbook, John W. James and Russell Friedman join with psychotherapist Leslie Landon Matthews to present When Children Grieve: For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving, and Other Losses. This compassionate manual addresses the nature of grief, purges common myths the worst of which, the authors claim, is that time heals all wounds (only small, positive actions can heal a person, insist James, Friedman and Matthews) and encourages adults to adopt a more healthy approach to grief themselves, so that they, in turn, can help children.

@cak
I wasn’t addressing you specifically cak, so there’s no sense in getting defensive. If it doesn’t apply to you, I’m not talking about you. But in my experience, what I described does happen quite often.

@Vinifera7 – Not defensive, at all. Just adding some clarification. I agree that sometimes, some people do intermingle the two and it doesn’t leave things very clear.

I saw this when I was 13, long after I stopped watching the show. But I knew the actor who’d played Mr Hooper, Will Lee, had died and I wanted to see how it was handled. They showed this episode on Thanksgiving day that year so that parents could talk to their kids about what they were seeing.

Watch the whole thing, it’s only 6 minutes. It might help you figure out how to talk to a young child about death. Big Bird is supposed to be the equivalent of a 6 year old during this era of the series. Goodbye, Mr Hooper. :’(

Our grandfather recently passed away, and we told our daughter that he had been sick for a while and Jesus decided to take him home to Heaven. She was sad and decided to not go to the funeral, but she has accepted what happened. She still asks random questions sometimes, but she’s handling it well.

Going home..it is natural..we will all die and evolve..your spirit shall live on forever..peace tranquility..hopefully no pain or fear anymore

When my daughter tried to explain to her 3 YO that yaya (his other grandma) was in heaven he said, “Can we grab her leg and pull her down?”

@Judi ..2 cute!