Before creation, there was the void. However, contrary to what most people think, the “void” is just a name of convenience. Convenience store, that is. See, before creation, there was 7/11 (what the hell does that mean, anyway?). The so-called “denizens of darkness,” actually were a demonic plot to rot everyone’s teeth, and to make Archer Daniels Midland the sweetener king of the underworld.
In a world filled with only darkness and 7/11s, there was no choice, but for God to create reality. Light, as is well known, is the antidote to 7/11 (does anyone know why all 7/11s have that weird smell? Is it some cleaner they use?) God, being a health-conscious consumer, got sick of it, and thus created the universe, as we know it.
7/11, of course, is not taking this sitting down. (Or standing up, for that matter, but that’s another story….) They are slowly taking over real estate across the planet, together with McDonalds, their secret minions. When enough territory has been taken, an implosion will occur, and a black hole will envelop all creation.
Realtors, as you might imagine, are agog about this. It means a return of the real estate bubble. A bubble blown by a very large lizard blowing a very viscous liquid, rumored to be devil pee, through the largest train tunnel in the world. In any case, the realtors stand to make billions, if only they can avoid the lizard.
Blood sacrifice is everywhere. Although it’s not clear whose blood is being sacrificed. Anne Rice minions are fighting Twilight fans in the areas between the 7/11s, taking breaks only to eat Big Macs. Jesus took one look, and said, “Lord, my work is done!” He’s now vacationing South of Bangkok, and has been incommunicado for several years, except for one missive requesting a gross of ribbed, flavored condoms. Who can blame Him?
Anyway, I could go on an on about this, but you’re no doubt bored to crimson tears by now, so I’ll stop. Except to say this…....