How to deal with divorce?

I think that it sounds like she wanted an easy way to be victimized so that it’s ‘all your fault’ and that’s why she’s told everyone you gave up

but why would she want an easy way to be victimized just to get out?

@blaksquid So that she does not look like the bad guy.

I feel for you and have been there. It takes two to make a marriage work and you alone cannot do it.

I applaud your stepping back and strongly suggest that you find a local divorce support group. It helped me immeasurably to be in the company of others just as blindsided and hurt. I attended one from a church where I was not a member.

There was one member of the group that did reconcile with his wife so the purpose is to weather the storm. To be honest I am not sure how I could have gotten through without that group.

@blaksquid because then everyone will think that she’s the victim and make you the villain and it’s great to be pitied, for some people

does it sound like she’s emotionally unbalanced?

My advice? Get a punching bag and some knuckle wraps and go nuts for a few hours. Think about all this shit and just unload on it. Always makes me feel better.

As far as fixing things or at least settling them, I honestly have no idea. I could make the argument that often in cases like this there’s some work that needs to be done on both sides (very clearly on hers) but you should be thorough in looking over yourself as well to see what can be done from your side. But it sounds like it’s one messed up situation…. and yes, she does sound emotionally unbalanced at the moment.

I was always the fan of the idea of getting into a big fight with my S/O and then mid argument when you’re shouting at the top of your lungs just grabbing them and kissing them and whatnot….. It would either work perfectly and make your problems seem like nothing…. or exacerbate the situation because you have to get into a shouting match before it works.

Honestly though I would take all my advice on this with a grain of salt. I’ve never been married. So my advice comes thru second hand sources and my experiences with long term relationships.

BUT, the punching bag idea really will help.

ok westy i’ll try that.

@blaksquid inasmuch as all of us are a bit emotionally unbalanced

I agree that she wants to make you the fall guy so she doesn’t look bad or have to take any responsibility for her part in the problems or the separation/divorce. I also agree that a support group would be helpful.

You may love her, but it sounds like she is unhealthy for you. I loved my first husband (still do in some ways), but it was a toxic relationship and needed to be ended. It sounds cliche, but time was the best healer. You will probably go through a period of being very angry with her after your sadness lessens. When you begin to feel nothing for her either way, you are golden.

This is just my opinion from person experience, but I hope you are able to find a way to forgive her, in time. Not to release her of responsibility, but because it is damaging to you to carry around the guilt and anger. It is very freeing to let go.

I would suggest setting aside a private session with the therapist that she said she stopped seeing, but is still seeing, and making you look like the jerk who “quit going to therapy” because you want it to fail. Tell the therapist everything that is going on, without her there. Explain that she is doing everything in her power to make you appear as if you want the divorce, when you don’t. Try not to play the blame game like she is doing. Let the therapist know the whole story. Maybe once you’re out of the picture, the therapist, armed with this information, can help her. This woman has ISSUES.

Then, get your own attorney, if you haven’t gotten one already. I wish you the best of luck in getting out of this mess with your skin intact.

I would go to a different therapist and work on myself. I cannot control what anyone else does. All I can do is learn from my own mistakes. If I made a poor choice in this partner, in that she/he is a victim, mentally unstable, etc., then I want to be sure I don’t make the same mistakes again, a shrink will help me recognize that part of myself that made that poor choice and why. Then I can deal with it if I choose. But I will at least be aware of my own tendencies.