If your parents ever beat you, do you feel that they were in the right?

There are always alternatives to spanking or beating. It’s just easiest to resort to physical punishment, and not sitting down with the child and make sure there is an understanding why they acted wrong.

I will never be found spanking my son. I can’t speak for his mother though.

Kids with ADHD and the like need other help, that parents alone can’t give them. They all need help in that matter.

I don’t have children, but I must admit I think the shift to no spanking may be excessive. Of course, I don’t consider spanking a beating. Beating = physical abuse. Never.

If by “beat” you mean “spank”, yes I was spanked and it worked. I never felt abused. Now hitting, punching, kicking, etc. is a different story. Spanking is OK in my book… you can’t sit down and explain everything to a 5 year old, and it is important that children obey you for their own safety. If spanking is the only way I can get my 5 year old to listen to what I tell him, then so be it. That’s better than him not knowing it’s in his best interest to listen and running out in front of a car when I yell “stop”!

Well, there is a difference between hitting your kids out of anger and hitting (that’s right—spanking is hitting) them for discipline purposes. Keep in mind that my parents never touched me and I don’t ever plan on hitting my kids. I suppose in some situations it may be the “only answer”, but I don’t know, I essentially refuse to believe that. My mom was spanked as a kid and my dad was spanked and whipped with a belt. I’m glad they did not pass that on to my siblings and I.

I love this quote from my mom: “It’s not okay to hit your spouse, your siblings, or your friends. The only people it’s okay to hit are your children. Something is wrong.”

No. Not right. Not right at all. It takes time to show children what are more beneficial behaviours, better ways to manage their feelings or good interaction with others. Adults usually don’t want to take that time. I’d grab a child away from danger and yell “Stop!”, but I’ve never struck a child. The power differential is immense, so adults must be very careful.

For myself, I was beaten, yes. I know that for the most part I was struck out of anger and frustration regarding other parts of my guardian’s life, but she’d say it was for leaving some part of the house “dirty” or for disobeying one of her rules. She couldn’t smack her boss, or the gossipy hens at church or the men who’d refuse to date her, but her son and I were small and much more easily controlled.

No, I don’t think it was right.
I do think it was the only consequence I feared, and that we had all driven her to it. But I do not think it was right by any means.

However, I don’t say that parents who spank their children must be bad parents at all.
That’s not what I meant.

I’ve known number of boys in high school who would rather be hit (paddled) or get into a fistfight than have to apologize or have to make amends…

Of course… no one ever considers spanking, hitting.

My grandmother had a great story about my cousins when they were about 5. They ran off down the road and could’ve been hit by a car. She made them sit facing the wall for an hour. My cousin Eddie, when released, said plaintively “Next time, Memaw, just spank us!”

I still have scars, emotional and physical, because of the “discipline” I received. No, I do not think they were in the right. I don’t get how a parent can use corporal punishment and then try to teach their kids that solving problems with violence is wrong. Just because their “your” kids (as if one can own another human being) does not give you the right to physically harm them, no matter the reason.

Besides, in my country both beating and spanking of minors are illegal under the sections of abuse and assault. That could hurt too.

My dad did, and he now admits he was wrong. He was not mean, just very strict. And it did nothing to help me become the way he wanted me to be. I’ve always been myself, and quite a rebel at that.

I’v heard lots of adults say this as well. And it always surprises me. From a psychological standpoint i think it is a way of clearing up some cognitive dissonance. They love their parents and are not longer in danger of being beat so they rationalize. What scars me even more is that they will use this method on their children. In fact I’ve heard many adults use the “i was beat and i’m okay, in fact I deserved it” argument to justify physically punishing their children.

I use the term beat loosely because i’ve talked to several people about this and it varies from a spank on the bottom to really beat.

@Dansedescygnes Fabulous Quote!

I had maybe two spankings and even those were unwarranted. It’s never right to beat a child. Maybe a swift smack on the ass with your hand, but hitting children with shit like extension cords and hot wheel tracks is just wrong and abusive.
examples pulled from stories I’ve heard

They did spank me hard and it wasn’t okay then and it isn’t okay now
I don’t touch my kids even to spank
if I do slap then it’s at their hand to not touch fire or something

I was spanked with a belt about 4–5 times when I was a kid. My parents were right to do it. However, my parents also treated me with respect, treated me as an adult. I knew that the things I did were wrong, even then. @RedPowerLady I don’t think I’m ‘clearing up cognitive dissonance’ because there is nothing dissonant about the situation.

Also, I think it’s okay to hit this child and Grandad is my hero in that respect.

@bezdomnaya Would you hit your child with a belt?

My Dad was raised on a farm with 4 other boys, and whipping was an accepted method of control in those days. He walloped my sister and I upside the head once and my mother said if he ever touched us again he would have to leave.

We did get switched with a stick on our legs once or twice, but they mostly used time-out or take away privileges.

@bezdomnaya: Sadly, children don’t get to that point on their own. There were failings on the part of the parents long before that tantrum.

Then again, it’s a fucking cartoon.

Perhaps, an example with a real child would better serve you.

Maybe spanking is the reason there are so many angry,rebellious adults on the internet these days. It works in the short run, and produces compliant children, but what happens when they grow up?

I won’t say they were in the wrong to stand legal punishment, it shouldn’t even have been an issue (yes, I got a lot belt beatings) and I haven’t turned out to be a psychopath or physical abuser or traumatized into addictions,etc. etc. Spanking and beating are different in my experience, I don’t blink an eye if I see an adult smack a kid on the rear but I think it’s a wasted action to smack an animal on the rear.

My father would sit me down and talk. Sometimes sternly, but always talk and explanation.

My mother had a draw full of wooden spoons solely for the purpose if hitting me with them. She never sat me down and talked. It was too much work for her to have an honest conversation. However she had no problem weilding those spoons like a deranged, chain-smoking ninja.

Just one more reason why I was closer with my father.

@bezdomnaya Um… that was a cartoon kid.

What did you do to deserve your belt spankings?

@hungryhungryhortence I don’t blink an eye if I see an adult smack a kid on the rear but I think it’s a wasted action to smack an animal on the rear.

Do you mind clarifying? I ask because I read the statement like this “it’s okay to spank a child but not an animal” and I don’t think that is what you meant. Is it?

I’ve been thinking about this some more
I really think that it’s best if parents do not spank their kids
as they should be capable at discipline that doesn’t make them stoop to that level
no matter what their parents did
sometimes it’s time to break the cycle

I know that it’s tradition and it’s something accepted
but it shouldn’t be

I was reading about how in Georgia (this is a tangent) they still have white and black proms so the races are separated even though students want to have proms together but the white parents don’t…and it’s ridiculous, but they say it’s ‘tradition’...well, there are some effed up traditions, okay? and we should evolve

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I wholeheartedly agree (on both points). I also happen to have done quite a bit of research on the subject for a college class a couple years ago and the research does not support spanking either, on many levels it does not work or make “sense”.

@RedPowerLady and we don’t need research to understand that it just makes no sense, too

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I so agree.

I was beaten throughout my teens. When I was in my 20’s I started therapy to get over some issues with anxiety. During those sessions the hardest thing for me to work through was the abuse. It took a lot of time and a lot of patience for my therapist to help me understand that it was not my fault. It took a long time for me to stop saying “yeah he hit me, but I deserved it.” Now that I have children of my own I know there is never a reason to hit your kid. Ever. Telling the child they brought the punishment upon themselves just adds another layer of guilt and shame.

@RedPowerLady: I believe in spanking a child, they feel more humiliation and the regret of disappointing which deters whatever negative behavior invited the spanking. Spanking an animal means nothing and is wasteful even harmful because an animal doesn’t recognize these emotions of shame, humiliation, regret, they understand threat and pain which isn’t conducive to learning and loving, just fear and avoidance.

@hungryhungryhortence do you have children?

@hungryhungryhortence The research doesn’t quite support your argument. Children, especially at a young age, actually do not have the cognitive capacity to understand the punishment of spanking. Not only that but the research also shows that spanking is only an immediate deterrent for an action and statistically most children will not apply that as foreknowledge should they think about committing the same act again. However, applying your theory you could say that because humans have the capacity for emotions such as shame, humiliation, and regret spanking is more harmful to humans.

@hungryhungryhortence when I discipline my boys my goal is never humiliation. My goal is to help them understand why their behavior is inappropriate. No one should ever be humiliated, it is damaging. I also do not want my children to behave because they think I will be disappointed if they don’t. I want my children to behave because they understand that it is important to make the right choices to get along in this world. The desire to behave needs to be instilled and eventually come from within the child, it shouldn’t be motivated by their desire to please me.

If my parents had not beat my ass when I was a kid I would have ended up locked up in a prison, not working in one. So the answer is often and well deserved

At the people who’ve asked me if I have children, I don’t.
Do I believe young children under 5yrs old understand humiliation, shame and will go lengths to avoid even mild spankings? I sure do, I was a child once upon a time and I was not some blathering uncognitive blob either. A swat on the butt by someone I loved was horrible beyond belief, especially if seen by other people and I jumped through hoops to be exemplorary and to gain favor. It kind of pisses me off when people treat young children like rudimentary squeeze and squirt things. I guess I’ve been lucky to know a lot of special and exemplorary young children, yay me!

@hungryhungryhortence Just because someone like myself understands cognitive development does not mean someone like myself treats children like “rudimentary squeeze and squirt things”. That is a vast overstatement. Your own statement shows the difference. You said you were scared of being spanked and wanted to earn favor. That is not the same as understanding what you did was wrong, why it was wrong, and that you shouldn’t do it again. For example. My six year old niece would get spanked by her mother for forgetting her coat when she went outside. It is a good thing for a kid to learn, especially in winter. She is a very bright young girl. And by being spanked she did learn fear and humiliation. She also learned she did “bad”. She would also desperately try to earn her mother’s favor. What she did not understand was that the next time she was dieing to run outside and play she needed to grab her freaking coat. Or that she needed to grab her coat so she didn’t get sick. Some children may have the cognitive ability to get all that but they sure didn’t learn it from getting spanked.

Also this statement scares me a bit in relation to this conversation: was horrible beyond belief, especially if seen by other people and I jumped through hoops to be exemplorary and to gain favor That is not typical of childhood. Or rather should not be typical.

eh, may need to refresh, i just edited

@RedPowerLady: I was never afraid of being spanked, I dreaded it because it was humiliating and I knew I had disappointed people I loved and respected. Was I afraid of being beaten with belts? Hell ya because I knew the people with the belts were irrational and weren’t coming from a place of love to begin with. I knew all that and I was less than 5yrs old, it doesn’t take a genius.

@hungryhungryhortence because I do not hit my children does not mean that I treat my children as “squeeze and squirt things.” In actuality it means I respect them enough as individuals not to humiliate them. Of course they understand humiliation and shame but does that mean I need to use it as a weapon against them? My answer to that question is a resounding no. I don’t want my kids to feel as though they have to jump through hoops to gain favor.

@hungryhungryhortence The last two statements I will make about your experience are this: I believe every child is afraid of being spanked and if they are not then they have built up an abnormal resilience to it. And that knowing one has disappointed someone is not the same as actually learning how to correct the behavior and why you should correct it.

Anyhow, from a psychological/therapy standpoint, I think that harping on your personal experience is not really beneficial or okay so I will bite my tongue and refrain from debating anymore when it comes to your personal experience. I also want to apologize if I have bothered you personally by talking about an issue, using examples from your life, that is so personal and often private.

I want you to know that I am really referring to society in general. And that the statistics and research , as well as common sense, do not favor your opinion on the matter. I want to say but each to their own however since this is a matter of child welfare that doesn’t really fit.

@RedPowerLady: like I mentioned in my very first comment to The_Compassionate_Heretic, I’m a very lucky individual to have understood what I did and I credit that knowledge with getting me along very well in life without being what others would refer to as, “fucked up”. Also, I didn’t mean to address any of you jellies with the attitude that you might be treating your own kids or other people’s kids as squirt and squeeze bags I don’t know which of you have kids, I’m not curious either and it’s not relevant to how I responded to this question in the first place but I sure do see a lot of it in real life, not TV, not videos but with my own eyes for years and years.

I got my butt busted when I was a kid and I’m no worse for it. I wouldn’t have called it a “beating” that implies child abuse to me. I got it with a belt only one time that I can recall and other than that I have no actual memories of it, but I know that we got spanked or “super thumped” on the top of the head.

I spank my children when I think it is warranted. I don’t like to spank, but I do. When my daughter was younger I spanked her and I think it was more out of anger than anything, so now, if I think they need spanked, I stop, take a minute and really think about it. I worked in the district attorney’s office as a file clerk for a while and I asked if it was even legal to spank your children and they said yes that it was, if you used an open palm on their butt. So, I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong at all.

Oh lookie, editing.
“I believe in spanking a child, they feel more humiliation and the regret of disappointing which deters whatever negative behavior invited the spanking. Spanking an animal means nothing and is wasteful even harmful because an animal doesn’t recognize these emotions of shame, humiliation, regret, they understand threat and pain which isn’t conducive to learning and loving, just fear and avoidance.”

it should’ve read, “I believe when people are spanking a child, they (the child) feels more humiliation and the regret of disappointing (than pain) blah blah the rest stays the same

Looking at this is reads as though I say I believe in spanking kids which I don’t. The rest of the shite I wrote, I believe in that ;)

I want to preface this by saying I have swatted my children on the butt in a dangerous situation. I have also lost my cool and spanked one of them in anger. It’s not my ideal, though.

What, exactly, does spanking teach? That if you mess up and disappoint the ones you love, you should expect to be hit for it? That’s a pretty messed up lesson to learn, IMHO.

Looking at this is reads as though I say I believe in spanking kids which I don’t.
That is the impression I got. Glad to hear it’s not true

@augustlan Not to mention the fact that once you start you can “lose your cool” and spank children “in anger”. Scary!

No, it’s never okay to hit a child. Especially if they have no idea why they’re being hit.

I was spanked as a child, and I think it really emotionally affected me for a long time.
My husband believes you should spank only in severe cases, when the child does something really really bad…but to me, that’s just us losing our temper.

Currently, I’ll swat him on his diapered butt..not to punish, but usually to startle him to stop what he’s doing, since he can completely shut me off when he’s doing something bad. I don’t spank him though. I don’t want to spank, and I hope I can always control my temper, and not explode like my parents did.

The prisons are full of people that has parents that do not believe in spanking thier children or any form of punishment. This sitting them down to explain what they did wrong is theory not reality. This does not mean I condone beatings or child abuse.

@justwannaknow well it seems then that @redpowerlady and @casheroo and myself are just two steps of ending up in a cell together, yum

this is a ridiculous statement
prison is full of all kinds of people
as is the outside of prison

and of course the sitting them down and explaining why they’re wrong is reality
it’s reality in my household
you can come over and see

My sister and I were spanked, but I wouldn’t say a lot. Maybe 10 times in our whole childhood. I don’t remember them ever really hitting hard. It was never “painful” – it was more about the fear than the actual physical pain. My mom would make us go to the kitchen and get the wooden spoon to spank us with. She never really hit hard though. There were one or two times that I got smacked in the mouth as I approached my teen years. But I wouldn’t say it has effected me. I don’t spank my boy, but he’s only 2. I’m not going to say I never will, but I’d like to think that if I resorted to it that it would be about the fear.

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Oh no, it’s our children that are in the cell together…reeking havoc in society from not being spanked! lol

@casheroo oh, lol, that’s right…damn it…well fine come over then

@justwannaknow I have more in my parenting toolbox than just spanking and sitting them down and explaining what they did wrong. There is the old standby “time out” among others. My personal goto is “logical consequences.” When my son refuses to get dressed in the morning, he wears his jammies to school (yes that has happened). When my son doesn’t listen to me asking him to take his shoes off after playing in the mud puddle, the mud puddle becomes off limits. When my son complains about what I have cooked and doesn’t want to eat his dinner, he goes to bed hungry. These are all logical consequences for choices he has made.

My kids, while certainly not perfect, are fairly well behaved kids, they are respectful toward people, they are courteous, and do well in school. Maybe I’m being optimistic here (though I don’t think so), I don’t see prison in any of their futures.

@SuperMouse I agree
my son is incredibly compassionate to others and animals, he has his moments, but he knows that his tantrums will only get him time out and when he hits (which is rare), his time out is worse, because nobody hits in our household and I wouldn’t be able to stand by that if I could hit him but wouldn’t want him to hit me…I don’t agree with that whole “oh but I’m the parent and this is why I do this to you” philosophy

@SuperMouse Yours is reasonable so I have no problem with you or your methods. @Simone_De_Beauvoir I will get a cell ready.

@knitfroggy: Maybe it wasn’t your intention, but all I got from your post was that you hit your child out of anger when she was young.

That quite honestly terrifies me, and takes me back.

I can’t imagine laying a hand on a child. Not out of ‘love’, or anger, or anything.

@asmonet

It really bugs me when people say things like “it hurts me more than it hurts you”. That reminds too much of spousal abuse. It reminds of that scene in Stephen King’s “It” when the father is beating up his daughter and says “I do this because I worry about you”. It’s just sick…out of “love” my ass…

It always just seems so corrupt to me.

I have two children and can count on one hand how many times I spanked both of them, combined; and, then, it was only to get their immediate attention – a dangerous situation was happening.

I love both of my parents, very much. My father was a wonderful father, but for years, I wanted something from them, that one day, out of the blue I got – an apology. My parents were both beaten (meaning abused) growing up. Compared to what they got, we were not beaten; however, we were spanked. We were spanked with fly swatters, hangers and leather woven belts. We were spanked for any offense and often, I was spanked because my sister successfully blamed me for her transgression. One time, I was spanked with the wrong end of the belt, the buckle. I still have the scars.

No, I don’t think any of the spankings were deserved, because none of them were for the reason I would spank – to get immediate attention, in a dangerous situation. I was scared to tell my parents if I did something wrong. Now, somewhere along the line, things changed. My parents stopped spanking us. Years passed and some of the anger faded. I never bothered to discuss it, because I didn’t think it would go anywhere.

One day, my dad was sitting there while I was talking to my daughter, she was younger but did something very wrong to another child. I was so disappointed. I never yelled, I didn’t spank her – but my point was very clear. He told me how much he admired my ability to discipline her and still show love, at the same time. With tears in his eyes, he apologized. All that hidden anger, just faded. My mother did the same, in her own way. I don’t think the spankings were okay, but I do forgive them.

@justwannaknow I’d like to see your proof on that one. Your comment has my skeptic senses tingling.

@justwannaknow – You really don’t think that talking to a child is a reasonable way of handling something? I’m not saying that there shouldn’t be consequences and I have spanked my children before – it’s just not my first choice of discipline. I think telling them what they did wrong, explaining it and making sure they can explain it back to you is far more responsible than just spanking and moving along. I guess I would believe the opposite, but have no way to prove it. There are probably jail cells full of people that had parents that didn’t take the time to explain things to them and tell them why what they did was wrong.

Well yarnlady is calling me a liar again! What can I say other than get off your high horse and come work in a prison for awhile and then you will see for your self.

cak I did not say spanking was the only answer but just trying to talk to them is not either. It must be a case by case call.

@Dansedescygnes: I completely agree.

@YARNLADY: The way he tries to make it legit is by adding ‘any kind of punishment’. Durr, people who are never taught right and wrong are lacking. He clearly thinks spanking is punishment, and that’s it. If you have a time out you’re basically tapping out as a parent. If you have a chat, you’re failing. You’re not punishing. At least that’s how his comment came across to myself and a friend.

@justwannaknow If I wanted to call someone a liar, I would do it in private and not beat around the bush. I simply asked for proof, and I find your personal ancedotes to be simply self serving.

@YARNLADY:Say what you want, I still say you are calling me a liar! If I asked you for proof it is still saying “I do not believe you”, also known as “you are lieing ”! I can prove what I say but feel it is not necessary to do for someone that thinks they are the smartest person in the world. Besides with a little research, ANYTHING can proven as legit. Everybody has thier own statistics etc. Look in the mirror before you call anyone a liar again!

Mellow out folks.

@justwannaknow She didn’t call you a liar, man. She just meant you pulled that statement out of the blue. In other words, she doesn’t agree, and thinks it’s unfounded. I do too. But don’t get worked up. Someone agreed with you. You got a lurve.

@justwannaknow Get off it man, I did not call you a liar.

oratio What does this statement mean? “you pulled that statement out of the blue.” And this one? “thinks it’s unfounded.”

@justwannaknow Please, bro, this isn’t going anywhere. I am sure you are a decent guy. Let’s just drop this. Please?

oratio, You just proved my point, NOW I will let it go. Thanks.

I was never beaten but I was smacked and there is a difference. I was rarely smacked though because I knew the consequences if I did something wrong and I didn’t like them! I don’t have any issues with my parents because they used this discipline and I certainly wasn’t scared of them as a child. I knew my boundaries and I rarely crossed them. I can’t say whether what they did was right or wrong but I can say, hand on heart, that I don’t have any problems with how they chose to discipline me. I can’t remember their smacks ever causing me much pain but I do remember reconsidering doing something that all my friends were doing and that I KNEW I shouldn’t do because I knew that it wouldn’t be worth the consequences if my mum found out!!!

My mum was usually the one that smacked us if we were naughty and my dad was the one that sat us down and explained why it was wrong. I respect both of my parents and they gave me and my brother the best childhood possible.

I’m not sure how I would disipline a child and as I don’t plan on having children it’s not something I have really thought about.

@BBSDTfamily “you can’t sit down and explain everything to a 5 year old” Actually, yes, yes, you can. They might not understand all of it, but even if they understand none of the explanation you give them, they’re smart enough to understand whether you’re telling them to do something because you feel like it, or telling them to do something because you have an actual reason. Besides, I’d contest the idea that they can’t understand nearly every reason you have for giving them legitimate orders; as a 5 year old I learned the equivalent of what most people take as an introductory Physics: Mechanics course, because I watched Bill Nye, thought it was interesting, and got people to tell me more. As an 8 year old, I completed an electrical training course for technicians at dealerships for my dad’s car company. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, at that age children are remarkably capable of learning, and I fully believe that most kids could have done exactly what I did.
I don’t believe children are afraid of spanking, so much as they are afraid of their parents being displeased enough with them to motivate a spanking. No matter what, every adult I’ve ever seen spank a child, has done so with anger. And I’ve observed children as wanting to avoid the anger more than the spanking. (also: I feel this detracts from the “it’s ok if it’s solely for discipline” argument)
That said, my belief is that it should never be necessary to hit a child. If you’re at all familiar with Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development, you may have heard of one of the earlier stages described as “might makes right,”—-which isn’t entirely accurate, but I digress,—- I don’t doubt that many kids, at some point go through a “might makes right” stage, but I don’t think beating is necessary even then, unless the adults and other authority figures in a child’s life utterly fail at providing alternative discipline. I honestly believe if you’ve actually hit your child (not in a “get away from that it’s dangerous) you’ve failed somewhere along the line, even if it wasn’t your fault.
and, justwannaknow, there is a difference between saying “I want to see your proof” and calling you a liar, it’s called recognizing the flaws in human perception, and serious research is done on it all the time. Yes, people can produce bullshit statistics to prove whatever they want, but that’s what makes the statistics bullshit. Legitimate scientific or statistical research will, in fact, point to one, consistent, conclusion, even if that conclusion is “we can’t conclude yet.”