Let’s make this clear abusers are the most charming people on the planet. That’s part of the game. They have the manipulation down pat. In front of other people, they act like they are so concerned and loving toward their mate. But behind closed doors it’s a different thing entirely. That’s how they get away with it. It really is one of the most deadly veneers and postures anyone can put on.
And remember, abuse isn’t just physical. Verbal abuse is just as deadly to the soul and sometimes, it can even be worse. Verbal abuse works on the psyche which takes a lot longer to forget than the physical body. Constant verbal abuse is extremely psychologically damaging.
Hearsay cannot be accepted as evidence as stated above. But I will tell you what, abused people don’t usually weave stories. If someone says something to you, and you can see the fear in their eyes, they are usually not lying. You can see it in their posture, in the way they stand and interact. If a person you knew before was outgoing and happy and then, they have become quiet and shy and unsocial after being with a suspected abuser. That’s usually a sure sign. An abuser will work on the confidence issue and also shame the person into thinking they are a bad person. That’s where the cycle starts.
I am glad that you asked what to do and I was going to tell you to do it (but apparently it has taken care of itself)....and if anyone else is reading this…do it in anyway possible. Send an anonymous note. That’s safest. (Call the police and have them talk to her (especially if he was taken in for questioning or something.) The only part is that Mr Charmer may get angry and retaliate, so usually doing it anonymously is the best way.
I wish there was a data base for abusers like there is for sexual predators because this would really help people know who to steer clear of….the problem? Mr Charming will be the first one there to put his ex-mate’s name on there and blame her totally for his heinous behavior. They never see what they do. They don’t want you. These clowns will go on forever until someone presses charges. And then they will most likely tell the tallest tale to get out.
As a woman I can say that most women won’t tell on a man…because they are financially strapped to them or because he has convinced them that no one will believe their story and/or worse, that the abuse is something they deserve. That’s why they stay. Abusers control every aspect of the person’s life——their money, who they can and cannot see——by the time they have done their work, the victim no longer feels that they have a right to anything. It is insidious and prevalent in our society.
I ask anyone reading this…that if you suspect anything….please find a way to warn a woman beforehand and/or if the person is in the midst of something, call a domestic violence agency to warn them and they can get in touch with her discreetly somehow.
It doesn’t just happen to couples either. Once, I lived in a duplex next to an elderly man. I never spoke to him as he was a bit senile and he really didn’t come out much, but I knew he was there. I also knew that he had caregivers, young men. One weekend, I decided to take a nap and heard raucous noise through the wall. And I could hear the old man saying, “No, no…” And as I pressed my ear to the wall, I heard jeering….they were jeering at him and cursing at him, taunting him and laughing and hurling abuse at him. He was clearly distressed. I was stunned and I called Protective Services for the Elderly and they came and took care of the situation. He was placed with a relative. It was just disgusting.
Don’t just sit and watch a person suffer. That’s why this continues.
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