What are you self-conscious about?

Well, all but the English-as-a-second-language are concerns for me. (I danced until I was 16, when my weight played a big factor in my decision to quit).

I am also self-conscious about how I interact in social situations… I was never good at holding my thoughts until the person speaking is clearly finished… either I am afraid I’ll forget, or I am unsure whether they are done talking or not.

I second-guess myself by nature, because I was distinctly told from the time I knew what the words meant that I was ugly, fat and stupid. Those messages are very difficult to erase, but I’m pretty close.

As bold as I might seem, in certain situations I am self-conscious about being in a queer relationship. I don’t always hold my wife’s hand or grab her butt (cuz I love to grab her butt) in public. And when I do I am conscious of people looking at us. I’ve learned to ignore it, for the most part, but sometimes I am very self-conscious about it, especially when I am outside of my liberal, little bubble.

My body. I’m pretty muscular genetically speaking and I also was an athlete…was. Also I’m pretty flabby at the moment. Oh, and I’m short 5’1.5
My teeth. They’re pretty big, and I have white spots on the front ones.
My scars. I have scars from pimples one my face and body. I also had a surgery done and it left me scarred.
My feet. They’re flat, wide, big, and ugly IMO.
My chin. It just looks funny.
Also, I sound like a child when I speak. I hate that.

It’s pretty much just my physical appearance (aside from my hair. I love my hair :))
That’s it I think

A lot of stuff.

Well, I’m self-conscious about the fact that I’m gay. If I wasn’t, I would’ve told people by now and I wouldn’t still be hiding it. But when I’m around straight guys, I feel less manly. Usually this is just because of me and no one else, but whenever someone makes some negative comment about gay guys, it makes me feel more self-conscious about it.

I’m self-conscious about my nose in that I think it’s too big, especially considering I have a small head.

Other than that, not much else that I can think of.

I suppose when I was younger, I was more self-conscious about being small, but I grew to actually like it a lot. And now, I wouldn’t want to be any taller, fatter, or bigger.

I get self conscious when I compare myself, and I hate when I do that.
I hate my skin the week before my period, I get self conscious about it.
I get self conscious about my hair. It’s all different lengths. I haven’t cut it since May 2008, and I had trichotillomania very badly, so much so that I was bald on the left side of my head. It’s all grown in, but I still worry that people notice it sometimes.
My small boobs.
My lack of knowing when to just shut up. When I get nervous or whatever, I start saying things I probably shouldn’t have said. I get self conscious then.
My grammar. Only when certain people read what I write.
Currently, having moved back into my parents. I am self conscious about what others will think of me and my husband.

@tinyfaery They’re staring because they’re jealous.

I feel uncomfortable when I’m speaking, esp. with new people. I’m afraid of sounding dorky. =/ And as English is my second yet primary language, I’m always afraid I speak no language fluently.
I’m also self conscious of my tan. (this is purely an east asian thing) But my relatives point out my complexion frequently, and I’ve become sensitive about the issue.
It’s horrrible, but my parents and family generally make me really nervous in public. It’s like they’re a time bomb waiting to embarrass me. (I love them very much, and know this not to be true, but look, I’m already defensive.)
I’m also not in school at the moment, and it’s getting increasingly difficult to explain to people why I’m taking time off.
Worst of all, when my family gets together… as I’m the youngest one in my generation on both sides of the family, I hate how I’m always having to justify my choices and have them compared to my wildly successful cousins. (liberal arts majors just don’t cut it)
I really really hate how I can’t seem to feel comfortable in front of my cousins.

Same things you and others talk about. I was raised with the attitude that looks are secondary but it hasn’t really panned out that way. I live in what I call “strippers paradise”, cosmetic surgery is so prevalent here for males and females and very young too so things I never thought about before have come to my attention: tooth whitening, veneers, skin peels and fake tans, breast jobs, vein lasering, hair weaves, body hair removal, etc. A person could go crazy comparing themselves to others and a stubborn person like me, even more so.

I don’t know why but I’m self-conscious about my family im not comfortable around them

Now that I am 38 I have started to develope spider veins. I’ve always been proud of the fact that I had tone legs, but having spider veins in a few areas makes me very self-conscious.

@noelasun I’m with you on the school thing. Telling people you’re not in school because of a chemical imbalance is embarrassing and difficult.

I have hyper-hydrosis and I am incredibly self conscious when I am perspiring, a woman should not have pit stains!
I am self-conscious because I am the only one of my siblings who hasn’t finished a college degree.
I am self-conscious about telling people I have bi-polar.

my weight.

My size
I get a lot of “Hey, big guy!” or “Easy big fella”.

I have always been self-conscious in social situations. I feel I don’t have anything to say that anyone wants to hear. This was confirmed by a drunken boyfriend who says I talk about mundane things. I don’t think there was much he could have said to make me feel worse. I am starting to realize I do have valuable input, but I am hesitant to share in some situations.

I am also self-conscious about how flabby I am since I’ve lost a lot of weight. It is not noticeable unless I am in a bathing suit and even then no one would probably pay much attention, but I know. Additionally, the fact that I have facial hair that I have to tweeze or wax frequently.

@cprevite

I always think it’s kind of weird when people address people by their size, but it happens. I get the opposite; I get called “little guy” and “little dude” and things like that.

@SuperMouse, I have hyper-hydrosis as well. I’ve been made fun of for it, and its embarassing, but have you tried prescription stuff? DrySol or the similar store-brand is really good…

Besides, that, I’m self-conscious about not looking like I belong in my town. I’m Arab, my town is small and conservative. In my home country, I get hit on. Here, I’m almost automatically off anyone’s “dateable” list. I always feel out of place with my “white” friends, even though I shouldn’t.
Not to mention the billions of insecurities forced on every poor teenage girl by this society. But thats all stuff you’ve heard before.

@Dansedescygnes: Exactly!

You would never say, “Hey, big honker guy” or “Excuse me, Miss Horse-Teeth”.

@eupatorium If the store brand “prescription strength” stuff doesn’t work, is there anything else? :(

@Facade, of course! :)Tell your doctor about your problem, and ask if they’ll write you a prescription for prescription anti-perspirant. It’s behind-the-counter, and it works for me (when I remember to use it). It stings and pinches a little, but its worth it.

@eupatorium Thanks

@Facade, anytime! That’s what we’re here for :)

I am self-conscious about my big ears, my weak chin, the very large larnyx I have, and some other things much too personal to mention here. you’d have to see me naked to know about them.

But then, on the other hand, I have an awesome sense of humor and I can use it to overcome the other things. Laughter is indeed the best medicine.

My height. My body in general. I’m too quiet in new situations and I feel like a socially inept freak because of it.

For me, it’s the limp. I broke my foot/ankle, gained weight because I couldn’t walk (except for the 5 months on crutches where I couldn’t keep weight on). If I get enough rest, it isn’t too bad, but when I am tired, it is rather pronounced. This makes it hard to carry heavy objects or appear in anyway graceful (I lumber like a bear and I am a girl).

@Kayak8 – Whoa I know how you feel and I once broke my arm and I felt like if i was a zombie with the way my arm moved

I tell you, it has been 4 years and I thought things would be better by now! When I broke my arm it didn’t take nearly this long to get markedly better (but I was 18 then and now I am not)! LOL

Thank you guys for answering
I didn’t think I’d get back to too many answers
I fell asleep
I wasn’t planning on that
just did

@Simone_De_Beauvoir Those of us with young children understand. :)

@jonsblond ha, indeed

My skin. It’s so freaking fair I’m practically see-through. It’s also super sensitive, so I get random hives (often just one) for no particular reason, and I still get zits in my 40s! Lately, every damn thing I do gives me a bruise, too. It’s just… not pretty.

My chin, or more accurately, lack of. My teeth. My gigantic, yet saggy boobs. :(

You would probably think that I would be self conscious about my body considering I’m confined to a wheelchair, my muscles are significantly atrophied and I have some minor deformities, but I am not in the least. Sccrowell loves my body and has never made me feel a bit uncomfortable about it. And friends and acquaintances that I haven’t seen in awhile are amazed at how much better my face now looks and remark that I practically glow (retirement from a very high stress job undoubtedly helped). I’ve noticed in public that people generally look at my wheelchair first but then at my always smiling face and beautiful (per sccrowell) green eyes that never look down and always display confidence. And, they always return at minimum a bright smile (that is if they don’t downright blatantly flirt with me, which is a “problem” I have “suffered” from my entire life). I suggest you don’t be self conscious about your body or anything else. If you are, people are going to pick-up that vibe and will respond accordingly which will just make you feel even more uncomfortable. Smile, display some self-confidence, look people in the eye (if they allow it) and put out the vibe that “we happen to be sharing this space and this time and frankly, I happen to be enjpying myself and so can you” and you’ll be surprised how many people smile back. And I’m talking big bright smiles.

@augustlan….Bullshit! I think you know to me you are wonderful and beautiful on many levels. Do you really think if we were to actually meet that I would get hung-up on the stuff you point out. No fluckin’ way. I’d be looking you straight in the eye wanting to learn more about the person that I quickly fell in lurve with long ago, who continues to amaze me and makes me smile and lurve her more with each of her posts…except your last post, of course. And I’m not just spouting off here. I mean it. Geez…wtf

This sounds stupid but I feel like I’m invisible now. I used to be thinner and Although I know I’m still pretty I don’t feel like I stand out any more. I sound so shallow but it’s true. When I bartended I always had people looking at me, complimenting me, trying to get my attention. All that doesn’t really mean anything but it made me feel good. I used to get paid to be pretty. I knew everyone. I could go to any of the clubs and walk right in, no lines, no cover. Now I’m just a regular person. It’s like I got old and the world moved on.
I just feel like my age is starting to show. I can see little wrinkles. I’m getting fatter. Where the hell is my waist going? Everyone says I’m crazy but they don’t understand what it feels like.

i’ve got quite a list, but my first complaint is that i’m so pale. i can’t tan, and i live in florida. there is no justice. and my mum is pretty dark, so that makes it even worse. i’m really really self-conscious when i go to the beach because of it, especially with my friends who tan well. and i love the beach

@whatthefluther Thank you, kind sir. If I met you on the street, I have a feeling I’d know you by your inner glow (and the gorgeous green eyes, of course!). I’d be sure to smile right back atcha. Thanks for giving me the kick in the arse I needed.

Upon giving this more reflection, I’m not really self-conscious about these things, per se, they’re just things I don’t really like about my appearance. I don’t let any of it stop me from walking with my head held high, smiling, or getting nakey-nakey with my man. :)

@augustlan…now that is the augustlan I know and lurve…keerp that head held high…wtf

@hearkat I can’t believe you said that about the social situations because I do the same thing. I have a nasty habit of interrupting people. It’s not because I feel like what I’m saying is more important, but I’m afraid I’ll forget what I meant to say. As soon as I interrupt, I’m completely embarrassed. Nice to know I’m not the only one who does that.

I’m self conscious about the fact that I’m 28 and haven’t graduated college. On top of that, I currently live with my parents and work as a waitress (trying to get back on track after my divorce). Meanwhile, several of my friends already have their master’s degrees and are living “grown up” lives. It’s pretty embarrassing and I just despise talking to people about it.

I also have what I call a cross between a very very slight lisp and a stutter. It’s mostly just when I’m excited or mad. My thoughts go faster than my mouth can and I stumble over my words a lot.

Also, I’m a little self conscious about having Addison’s disease. I hate having to try to explain it to people. Also, I’ve always been a fiercely independent and strong person, so having to ask for help or slow myself down so I don’t get sick (meaning, I can’t go go go like I used to) is pretty shitty. I hate being a weakling. Especially at work where I feel like my coworkers are pulling more weight than me on some days.

Also, I have a big nose and a “witch” chin. Blech.

Also, I just said also about 8 times. Geez.

I’m a little on the thin side. I have a receding hairline. I’m not always as assertive as I could be or would like to be.

@augustlan & @tiffyandthewall: My wife is also extremely fair skinned (she’s practically translucent) – but I’ll say it again: pale chicks are hot!

@elijah & @essieness: As we have the benefit of having seen your photos, I have to say; you two are both gorgeous. So you’re getting a little older or you have a bit of a schnoz – these things show character (which is always attractive).

I’m 44 and still have trouble with zits.

I’ve always weighed around 110–115 until I went on Depo and now I’m up to 125 and feel horrible (I know it doesn’t sound that bad, but if you’ve never had weight trouble and all of the sudden start having it, it does terrible things to your self esteem).

I’m a hairy girl, and I hate that. I have to pluck my stupid chin every day. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up and start shaving my face along with everything else.

I’ve always been (and still am) a klutz. I want to be athletic, but when I try I tend to make a fool out of myself.

I’m “smart” (have a Ph.D. and everything) but have no common sense and find myself doing stupid things all the time.

I can’t seem to be happy with who I am, and I find myself wishing there were a way to escape me and become someone else.

Physically, I have accepted my age and the multitude of irritations that plague my once firm body. The 20lbs I need to lose makes me more aggravated than self conscious.

Where I do become self conscious is in professional settings; because I’m technically not a “real” professional anymore. I sit on several boards and committees with some amazing people. They are accomplished, bright, forward thinking, and upwardly mobile in their professions. I used to be one of them. When I left the career path to get on the Mom track, our paths diverged. While I am still asked to participate, I often feel self conscious about speaking up because, I feel, I’m not equal to them anymore. In a board meeting some of the directors will be speaking of a current issue or climate in their offices and I just feel silly being there.

It’s all relative, and I know many women would love the opportunity to stay home with their kids. I still consult, and nobody has taken away my education, degree, or work experience…sometimes I just feel a bit irrelevant in these instances. It’s as though I’m resting on my laurels instead of continuing to amass my credibility.

@augustlan @tiffyandthewall I’m also very pale. It’s almost like people make you ashamed to not get tanned. Personally I think people that tan are yucky. When people ask why I don’t go tanning I remind them how it used to be- only peasants had tans, they worked outside and pale skin was a sign of class and status. Anyway, is that tan worth the wrinkles and leathery skin? The age spots and cancer? No thanks. I like having beautiful young skin. A good self tanner can make you look like you’ve spent days in the sun without actually frying your skin.

I used to be in really good shape. Had a runner’s body and felt great wearing just about anything. After a shitty break-up, and losing my Mom I eased up on the working out, ate just about any carb that came my way, and my motivation to get moving was shit (still is). I’m tiny (5’2”), but right now, I’m the most unhealthy that I have ever been. I’m still small (weight wise), but am getting some “biscuits” (you know, that little bit of fat that spills over the side of your pants – hip area), and walking up a flight of stairs tires me the fuck out.

I had braces back in the day. After they came off, I had a retainer that I wore, and I used to take it out at night and sometimes forget to put it in during the day. So, because of all of this, my teeth shifted again. I’m a little insecure about it, and I won’t smile when getting a picture taken because of it. I’m looking into getting them fixed again. Probably go with Invisalign (removable, clear aligners that straighten your teeth).

@elijah Welcome to the real world, kiddo. You’ll make it.

I’ve gained about 10 lbs. during the winter & I HATE it. Too much sitting in this chair. I had to go buy new denim shorts for summer in the next size & that about killed me since I’ve worn the same size for a long time. Bah!! I plan on getting rid of this extra baggage if at all possible.

@Supacase: I have been losing weight and the loose skin is an issue for me, too… especially because there’s still a lot left to be lost. I’ve been buying all the “firming” lotions I can find and reading everything I can about it. But is seems that there are no creams or potions that really work, and that the best thing is to lose gradually, so the skins recovery is more in time with the weight loss. They say it takes 2 years for the skin to recover, and that age, genetics, and the amount of time that your skin was stretched-out all play a factor.

I also feel like I have nothing to say at times, because others can make a conversation about meaningless television shows sound like a grand adventure. I would much rather sit quietly than to make ‘small talk’. Plus, i have a way of seeing different sides to many issues, which can make me seem un-opinionated and indecisive.

@augustlan: We might be twins separated at birth!! transparent skin, zits at 40+, bruise easily (you should see the ones I have now from paintball last week!) and gigantic boobs that are losing the battle with gravity. My chin protrudes because I have an underbite.

@essieness: It is nice to know that someone understands about wanting to say something before you forget it! Also, I ‘temporarily’ moved back with my mother post-divorce… 12 years ago. You have to do what’s best for you in your situation – don’t judge yourself by other’s standards, because they haven’t walked in your shoes.

@elijah: When you see women my age who have been tanning for many years, they look so wrinkled and leathery! Being very fair and avoiding the sun helps keep our skin soft and smooth (the silver lining).

@hearkat I agree with the skin thing. I also am very fair. I’ve never been able to tan. But that combined with never have smoked, my skin looks great, I must say. No wrinkles & my skin is firm. White, but wrinkle free, LOL. I find that the tanning lotions work well, but the knee & foot areas are imposible to get a good look with. If I had the money, I’d get sprayed.

My height… i get a lot of stares and people telling me about neighbors or relatives of offspring that are “Almost as tall as you are” and am constantly asked about hitting my head on doors and my shoe size and what kind of car i drive and can fit into and if my fiancee has to stand on a chair to kiss me…. EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE I GET SOMETHING LIKE THIS and all i’ve ever wanted was ONE DAY where that didn’t happen.

@Dr_C I didn’t realize you were that tall, you don’t look extraordinarily tall. How tall are you?

6’8”.. the thing is a lot of doors aren’t made right in Mexico and San Diego…. this causes some problems.. i have very long legs so that makes it hard to rive certain cars…. and i wear a size 15 shoe… those are hard to find.

@Dr_C: “Do you play basketball?” is one you probably also hear often. I remember people asking my brothers that often (and they are only 6’2” and 6’4” which is small in basketball circles). My son is sadly only 5’7” and he loves playing basketball, while he had a teammate who was 7’, and you could tell his heart wasn’t in it – I felt sorry for both kids. When someone is extraordinarily tall, I do warn them about the low clearance entering my audio test booth, but other than that, I try not to make mention of it.

You’re all beautiful people and perfect as far as I’m concerned! because you are YOU! Unique! And in your uniqueness lies your core of strength, something no one out there has it like YOU!
@whatthefluther
YOU’RE MY HERO!

Argg
@elijah that exactly the mentality on tans that everyone around me takes…
I really do look the peasant part surrounded by my fair cousins.
(It’s not like I’m baked, I just tan really easily even with copious amounts of sunscreen)
But for the record, when I’m not around them, I prefer my natural look to their freakishly white (not pale, like a bleached white) skin. Everyone should be happy with their skin color, not try and change it with the latest fad for goodness sakes!!!

@hearkat it’s funny you should mentionthat… i stopped playing basketball when i started high school because i got tired of doing it since people expected me too… that and the fact that Luke Walton (Plays for the lakers) and his brother and cousin were on the team (state champs woo!).

I started playing again a few months ago (it’s been over 10 years) in a league out here in the middle of nowhere since there was nothing else to do in my down time.. and i’m loving every second of it. But now i do it because i want to not because people think i should take advantage of my height… thankfully in my profession height is not important.

@Dr_C: My son now only plays in pick-up games at the park. But in his Freshman and Sophomore years in High School, he really wanted to compete so I sent him to a small Prep school. Seeing how the system works behind the scenes, and the pressure they put those kids under was a real eye-opener. Not to mention how the ones with a reasonable amount of talent are treated like royalty! Bill and Luke Walton seem nice enough to those of us who only know them through TV or autograph signings, but you may well have seen them in a different light.

The ones with talent go pro because that’s what expected and a way to get rich, but when their hearts aren’t in it it shows—Vince Carter comes to mind. I guess that’s why I enjoy the passion that the smaller guys have, like Nate Robinson or even Allen Iverson… they’re out there because they loved the game and they really wanted it enough to work hard to be able to compete with the bigger players. Playing because you really love to is the best reason—enjoy!

@Dr_C HEY, HOW’S THE WEATHER UP THERE!? Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck! Bet nobody’s thought of that one before!~

@hearkat Bill Walton and his kids were always incredibly nice and great team leaders from what i could gather. Everyone in the school loved them.. they were nice to everyone.. great students.. stand up guys. (we went to a private catholic HS so i know what you mean about prep).

@MacBean my standard answer to that one is “well there’s less oxygen which explains my last remark” :p

@suzyq2463 thank you for your answer

@bythebay I know what you’re talking about

@cprevite Aw shucks. Thanks!

Well, elijah, the sun actually helps our skin to produce Vitamin D natrurally. You don’t have to spend hours in the sun, ten minutes or so is all it takes. There isn’t a thing wrong with natural sunlight, despite what all the gloom and doomsayers would have you believe. The taning machines are LESS safe than actual sunlight, as it is artificial. Tan or no tan, a lack of sunlight is a sure way to have more health problems than a few minutes of sunlight can do.

@whatthefluther, you sir, have the sort of atttitude I find refreshing. I have never judged anyone by a supposed disability, and in fact, I know people in ‘chairs with a great attitude like yours. It is all about the face you present to the world, and a positive attitude is all it really takes to prove that physical features, deformities, shortcomings, etc are NOT who we really are. Your honesty and attitude is a welcome sight in a world where too many people wonder what others think of them. Who cares what others think, as long as are happy and healthy and able to see ourselves as vibrant human beings. Some people get a kick out of pointing out others shortcomings. It makes me wonder what those people are trying to hide. I look forward to meeting you someday.

Others interested in knowing what I am self-conscience about.

@evelyns_pet_zebra I’m aware that the sun helps produce vitamin D. I’m sure you know the positive effect it can have in helping people with depression. I’m not implying people should hide in caves, I’m saying you can recieve the benefits without turning your skin into an old leather shoe.

My weight (I look like one of those torus shapes that orbit a black hole), my looks, my clothes, my opinions, screwing up the music, acting like I know what I’m talking about, being mentally ill, having no friends, being pessimistic, being privileged, and on an on. It’s a wonder I bother to get up in the morning. I think I make a fool of myself a dozen times a day, more or less.

@daloon Psh. A day in which I haven’t made a fool of myself is hardly worth having. Be a fool, and enjoy it!

I realized I was self conscious as a kid, I have never like my appearence and even tho I get compliments requently I always think people are just saying things to me just because. Its weird how I just can’t take something someone says to me with picking it apart and thinking there is some underlying reason for their dishonesty. I hate that I feel I could be doing so much better and not being satisfied with the things I have or have had. I hate waking up and looking in the mirror and not wanting to be the person staring back at me. I don’t like how I don’t think anyone will understand what goes on in my head when they tell me things I want to hear and then breaking it down into something negative to myself. It’s so weird how the mind works into tricking you into seeing something that is not there or believing something that is not true… maybe I really need help.

What Am I Self-Conscious About? Do You Have A Week??

There are often times that I exude a completely confident nature in public- if I’m having a good hair day, I love my outfit, I just heard a great song on the radio, or I’m feeling particularly snarky that day. My biggest issues arise with my SO. We’ve had a long history- on & off for 13 years but are finally trying to make a true go of it.

Problem is, he’s only dated knockouts all the time I’ve known him. I know- I should then count myself in on that group, right? But while I’ve got great legs, I’m self conscious about my big boobies that have become really saggy now that I’ve lost weight (and gotten older)- if I lift them up they look like 2 pieces of wrinkled fruit! I’m self conscious about something I have always had, and can’t seem to get rid of: what I call my Buddah Belly, from the Chinese half of my genetic code. If I stand sideways and just not suck it in? Easily 4 months preggers. I’m 5’7 and 125! And I can’t turn around in this day and age without a perfectly flat stomach staring me in the face from some TV show, commercial, magazine or freaking billboard. IT’S EVERYWHERE I LOOK.

Not to mention that he used to watch a lot of porn. I told him it was me or the chicks online. There’s no way I could live if every time we had sex I was wondering which one he was imagining in my place. I certainly cannot compete with that. Don’t get me wrong, I have sexual fantasies. But Porn Whore was never one of them.

What’s worse is he lied about it, a lot. So now I’m self-conscious about how much I snoop through all his shit. And I mean ALL HIS SHIT. I’m so convinced that I’m not hot enough for him and that he’s looking elsewhere for beautiful women.

I’m also self-conscious of my teeth. Over the last couple of years my front teeth have started shifting apart from each other so I have two gaps that will eventually make me look like Bugs Bunny. Not to mention the discoloration from years of soda, coffee and smoking.

I had a laparoscopic hysterectomy last week, and he wouldn’t have sex with me the day BEFORE surgery. So I was really self-conscious about that- why didn’t he want to take advantage of the last opportunity to get intimate for the next 6 WEEKS?! Why didn’t he want to touch me? My last sex memory for the next 5 weeks is a 10-minute quickie before work, now more than 11 days ago. (I guess I’m still a little pissed about that, too… at 34 I’m hitting my peak and want sex as often as a 17 year old boy!!) If he wouldn’t touch me BEFORE surgery, then he certainly won’t touch me before that 6 weeks is up (while I’m not allowed penetration- outside play is ok!!). I always thought orgasms were a great way to melt away the stress of the day. I guess he doesn’t agree. (Or he’s having them elsewhere without me…)

After surgery I asked him to look at the incisions and he couldn’t even look at my stomach, that happened twice. Like seeing my bloated stomach (they pump you full of CO2 for surgery) would just completely gross him out and turn him off forever. Then there’s the fact that I haven’t been able to use my abs at all, which means I can’t even suck it in. If it was 4 mos preggers pre-surgery, post-surgery: bloated and unable to skinny it up- damn near 5 mos. Talk about self-conscious.

Moving on- I find I’m extremely self-conscious about my position (or lack thereof) in life. Despite several attempts, I’m still without a college degree or even a direction in life. I have no passion and no dreams and no direction. Can’t wait for that high school reunion. I’d go on about this topic but as I was composing it in my head, I realized how much it makes me sound like a loser.

If you couldn’t tell, this is my first post with Fluther. Thanks for allowing me to share about a topic that I couldn’t talk to anyone else about. I obviously have a lot to say about the subject. And for those of you that stuck it out, an oldie but favorite joke: how many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Wanna go for a bike ride? 

@Gemini11 thank you for such an honest, intimate look into your life – there are a lot of issues, you’re right, but it’s great that you can recognize them – I see a lot of red flags in terms of your SO and many of these would be reasons enough for me to leave him but hell, if you want to make it work, good luck to you – he doesn’t seem to inspire you as he should and he doesn’t make you feel beautiful like he should. You should have passion in yourself and in your relationships. You can always go back to college but you don’t need a college education to do something that means a lot to you. Start by volunteering around, find an issue you do feel strongly about and go in that direction.

@Gemini11 Brilliant! I’d give you 20 lurve if I could. I love the way you write. I love the energy and passion of it. I love the pathos, too. Are you like this all the time? It makes me want to imitate you, only mine would sound so much more whiny I’d have to shoot myself.

I’m like a thirteen year old school girl checking my email twenty times an hour. Nothing there, of course. I use a group of 2000 random people as a friend. I am picky and frustrated and ready to throw it all away. Something has to change, but of course nothing will. I want to eat rocks. Punch myself in the stomach. Moan and groan. Maybe even eat a worm. But only if there’s someone there to rub my face in it.

Anyway, fuck it! I think I’ll go piss off a skyscraper. Who knows? Maybe I’ll follow it. Isn’t that a great image? Floating through the air, trailing yellow piss? I wonder if sky divers ever do that? Yup. I really gotta go, so… boy does that wind ripping at my pee pee make it hard. Not hard that way, doofus; hard to pee. Floating down to earth to meet some rather unhappy humans whose parade just got rained on.

But it’s a beautiful day, and the silk settles on top of me, and somehow I disappear into the earth, where the mole people live. They give me a shot of veronica (some drug they have; not sure what it does), and I turn into a giant glowing being, not unlike the burning man. My life sails away into the air, bit by bit, waving little handkerchiefs like debutantes in carriages.

When I am consumed, it becomes very peaceful, except there are tears—real tears—floating down over the desert salt. When they hit the ground, little salt castles grow, twisting and moaning like distant sirens—always coming closer, but never arriving.

A generous philanthropist walks carefully through the salt castles, but is blown over by a turgid wind. He rolls for miles, until he is nothing more than mangled meat, but even so, he stands up on the rocks, voicelessly screaming and pointing at something only he can see.

Finally, the foundations comes and piles all his money on top of him, using gold dollar coins. The gold suffuses his skin, and he becomes a giant C3PO, only supple and lithe, not jerky and stupid.

The gold figure opens it’s mouth, and there I am, sitting on a tiny pillow, eating little pieces of fruit. Pineapple is a favorite, but usually it’s wasted. That is my life’s sorrow. The one thing I imagine would make me feel better. The one thing that is forbidden me, condemning me to this journey, over and over and over…..