How good are you really at ignoring things that bother you?

@Blondesjon

You really are a piece of work, aren’t you? Don’t worry, I love you too, honeybuns.

For me, I can usually easily ignore certain comments about my sexuality. Someone tells me being gay is evil, wrong, disgusting, those kinds of things don’t bother me. Someone calls me a “faggot”, it usually doesn’t bother me, but there have been instances where I have failed to ignore it as well as I thought I would.

I am also excellent (not to brag) at ignoring trolling. People complain about trolling all the time, but it just doesn’t bother me at all. Someone who says mean things for attention—their motive is clear and they don’t bother me. Sure, they can be annoying if they take up room on the site and distract from other things, but the actual content of what they say doesn’t phase me.

I am not sure your example of Qs here is valid. Just because you find something annoying does not mean you want to ignore it.

Ignoring that example and going for the intent of your Q, I find that ignoring things alone does not work. What does work is processing your feelings about something, and then choosing not to respond or act on them.

@Marina

True, but people often say things like “can’t take the heat? Get out of the kitchen.” Which usually implies that you should walk away from such situations. But that’s why I asked at the end “what kinds of things shouldn’t be ignored?” Because obviously if everyone thought annoying things should be ignored, they would be, but that’s not the case.

What someone chooses to ignore for whatever reason seems very personal to me.

@Marina

Well, I am asking for personal answers. For example, I ignore petty homophobic comments. But if someone is spouting false information about something like that, I will usually try and clear it up because I don’t think people should be spreading lies about things like that. In that case, I wouldn’t ignore it.

I’m confused

@sjmc1989

In what way?

I’m really good at ignoring my children when they whine. It’s one of the best lessons for a parent to learn.

@jonsblond

I think my parents could agree with that. My parents never gave in to any of our whining. It was always “whining doesn’t make anything better or get you want you want”. I think it’s a good idea to ignore it, as opposed to yelling or getting super angry over it.

@Dansedescygnes Not by the question I understand that fully, and to answer it I am very bad at hiding things that I find annoying when I’m in a bad mood. If I’m having a great day I don’t let others actions or words bring me down. So it all depends on my mood basically.

I was more confused by the responses to this question but I’m guessing it is more of a personal discussion. So I will retract my previous statement.

@sjmc1989

It kind of depends on my mood too. I wish I could keep it consistent, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

And I’m trying to get that comment removed. If he wants to discuss something in a PM, that’s fine with me, but it doesn’t belong in this question.

@Dansedescygnes I wish I could do the same but we are all human. Sometimes our tolerance level is a little lower than normal and sometimes certain people really know how to push button’s as well.

I would find that my above statement is an excellent representation of how much trouble I have ignoring things. Well within context in my opinion.

You put forth two faces on this site, son, which one is the real one?

Very bad!!

@Dansedescygnes Not cool.

@Dansedescygnes Touché.

Showing your intelligence @Dansedescygnes

@Dansedescygnes Mmm very good picture of you hand gesture and all! Very good looking guy!

@jonsblond lol, whatever :)

@sjmc1989

Thanks.

@jonsblond

Actually it was meant more to show my sense of humor.

it is age appropriate

If it’s my husband doing something annoying, I can’t ignore it. I just can’t.
I can usually block out other things.

Actually, I think if you ignore things that bother you, that is not a good thing. It will lead to frustration, pent up feelings that may not benefit you. It is better to analyze carefully the root causes of why it bothers you, and develop a theory in action to turn that feeling around.

@dannyc…well put

So my comment gets removed, but not the ones Blondesjohn posted exposing things I said in a PM and purely done as a personal attack?

I actually thought Blondesjohn gave a good example of a thing that was bothersome, and presented it fairly, in the context of the question. In isolation, it may not have been appropriate, but context is everything in an answer. Interesting.

I again refer to the fact that my answer is a direct answer to OP’s question and very relevant.

I believe it shows how much trouble I have letting things go.

Doesn’t matter. It’s exposing something I wrote in private; it’s not supposed to be shown on this question, especially since you are using it against me.

@Dansedescygnes. This will then test your theory on yourself. If you can’t ignore it, then you will understand clearly the answer to the question you are seeking..very interesting, a live experiment of a Fluther question..

Actually, I’m more concerned about the inconsistency of the moderation.

@Dansedescygnes. Then that (the moderation) is what is bothering you, same test, just a different variable. I am not making light of your concerns as they are valid to you. It is just fascinating to see how these questions can lead to self-learning. You have a great opportunity here.

@Dansedescygnes . Might I suggest that you give your heartfelt concerns to the moderator. Present all the facts to them and ask for their feedback. I also strongly feel we often say things that we regret or did not really mean. It takes guts, but sometimes an apology can free your spirit, and recreate a harmonious relationship. Most people understand that and are willing to take the risk of an ongoing relationship. In the end, you wish to achieve a result that is better. It sometimes takes a risk to achieve that. Your question, thus, is that the thing that bothers you, after analysis, and positive mindset, may set you free to travel to the next level.

The relationship was never harmonious. But Blondesjohn and I already discussed the contents of that PM and we were not arguing by the end and I thought everything had ended fine. But here I see it being brought up again.

I think it’s about choosing your battles. Getting into a tiffy about everything will make you quite unhappy, so it’s best for your sanity to just ignore some things.

That pretty much sums up to never write something on the internet that you think is private, because it never is.

@chyna

It still does not belong in this question. It’s being used as a personal attack against me.

sounds like someone can’t take the heat, or is afraid to stand behind their words, PM or not.

@evelyns_pet_zebra

Sounds like you need to realize that just because you like someone, doesn’t give them the right to post answers that should be modded.

If I had posted a comment exposing something Blondesjohn said to me on a question and the comment was completely irrelevant and was nothing but a personal attack, it would have been modded in a second—guaranteed.

If you feel the need to copy and paste everyhing I have ever sent to you, my friend, feel free. I would ask the mods to consider that this is contextual to the thread.

This all seems very silly. Perhaps it’s time to move on. Where’s the lurve?

@petethepothead . . .here’s some

I’m not good at that at all. I have to address it in some kind of way.

I don’t really think the PM was relevant to the conversation, since it was shown as an example of ‘mean things’ and the topic was ‘mean things that are said for attention.’ If the PM had been said for attention, it wouldn’t have been a PM. So… uncool.

@MacBean . . .I disagree. The thread is about one’s ability to ignore things and I think that I have given an example of how I ignore such things very poorly.

^^I think @dannyc put it much better above than I can here.

as a side note…these were insults being hurled at me during an open debate on a thread. I don’t feel it’s appropriate or honest to put on a civilized face to the public while you are simultaneously raging in private.

@Blondesjon

Well, I disagree. It doesn’t belong here and I want it removed. Like I said, if I had exposed something you said, it would have been removed instantly.

@Dansedescygnes You asked “What kinds of things shouldn’t be ignored”. Blondesjon answered with an example. Have you read the Fluther guidelines? Personal attacks (public or private) are not allowed. If you would have sent a pm like that to a female here on fluther, you would have been warned by the mods or worse, banned.

At least Blondesjon admits to being an asshole now and then and doesn’t pretend to be something he’s not.

@jonsblond

Where did I pretend to be something I’m not? You’re making allegations against me that have no backing. And this is pointless. You’re going to side with him no matter what he says.

@Blondesjon Saying that you ignore personal attacks through PMs (or whatever the bug up your ass is) would be giving an example of how you ignore such things very poorly. Copying an argument that a person moved to a more private forum (especially given this quote: “But Blondesjohn and I already discussed the contents of that PM and we were not arguing by the end and I thought everything had ended fine.”) is just in poor taste.

@MacBean . . .The “bug up my ass” is exactly that. My bug. My ass. Your opinion is yours and you have every right to express it, but if you are trying to change my mind, well, good luck.

I have explained numerous times that my post was within the context of the question.

Are you having trouble ignoring this?

@Blondesjon Not trying to change your mind on this or anything else, no matter how much we disagree. Just expressing my opinion that you’re being a goatse.cx-proportioned asshole.

And, as a matter of fact, I do have a little trouble ignoring you. Because you amuse and/or fascinate me about 75% of the time, so the other 25% of the time when I think I’d probably punch you in the head if we were face-to-face, I can’t help hanging around to try to figure it out.

@MacBean . . .First of all lurve for the goatse reference. I nearly did a spit take, and I’m not even drinking anything.

Secondly, I have that effect on people. I can’t be anybody but me.

@MacBean Live with the guy. ;)

@Blondesjon I thought you’d get the reference, and probably enjoy it. :D

@jonsblond ahahaha I couldn’t. You’re clearly some kind of saint.

Well, whatever. I’m done with this thread. And I think I’m done with this site. :)

[mod says:] I might be a little late to the party, but lets keep things civil and on topic from now on (which was the medium you guys are sort of reaching anyway). Please head to the chat room or use PMs to resolve any personal differences.

Also as @jonsblond mentioned, Fluther still likes its users to maintain a level of respect even in their private PMs. It is true that a member has been banned before for being unacceptably rude to another fluther user. The gender of either user is unimportant to the mod decision. Admittedly, the banned user was under final warning for other troll like behavior and would not have been banned if the PM was the first incident.

@Dansedescygnes – I ask you to reconsider your decision after taking a step away from the site for a day. If you still choose to leave, I respect your decision.

@PnL So, just to be clear, is making a private comment public not against the guidelines?

It is not against the guidelines, no. But its place is also not in threads. If someone sends you a harassing PM, we encourage you to report it to the community managers. From there, we try to work with both parties involved to reach a mutual stalemate. On a site like this where very controversial issues are discussed, things often get heated and two intelligent, respected people can get into an uncontrolled argument over an emotionally charged issue. This happens fairly often and we have found getting the parties involved into a private chat room or just talking to them individually helps resolve the problem (more often than not).

@PnL

Then why hasn’t it been removed yet?

Nevermind

@Dansedescygnes – It has now. The reason it wasn’t removed earlier is simply because mods were still discussing the problem. Its a grey area and so both community managers and mods have to discuss the issue before a final decision can be made. Due to Fluther going down for a long period last night and due to mods having real lives, the moderation took a while to reach a conclusion. I just got online about 10 minutes ago, and I can’t moderate in my sleep, quite yet.

I know the slowness in the decision might annoy you, but we prefer to take a more cautious approach to such things and no one mod can make the decision by themselves. This helps with checks and balances and keeping the moderation as consistent as possible without letting one mod get “too much control”. Of course, this sometimes results in slower moderation than people would like but similarly people also get annoyed when abrupt decisions are made that turn out to be a mistake later on. Win some, lose some.

I was just under the impression that if Blondesjohn had been the one who sent the PM and I had quoted it in a question like this, that it would have been removed very quickly.

We don’t look at usernames when we make our modding decisions. If anyone wants to discuss this any further, please PM me. Sorry for the thread derail, all.

I might not be very good at it on the internet but in real life I am a pro at ignoring certain things.

My success at ignoring the things that bother me depends on the extent I’m able to not be bothered in the first place.

When I first became a student of spirituality, a respected teacher once said to me:

“You perform as great a disservice being offended as when you offend.”

I find that’s equally true for the things we allow to “bother” us or get on our nerves.

Does this mean I don’t become offended or allow people/things to bother me?

No.

It just means that I’m consciously aware of how ignorant I’ve chosen to be at that particular moment. In other words…

…I know better.