What are your favorite funny euphemisms?

@Evelyn’s: What are your two examples euphemisms of? I would conisider “passed” a euphemism for “died,” and “limbs” the Victorian euphemisms of “legs.” Even pianos couldn’t have legs.

From the Oxford American:

euphemism |ˈyoōfəˌmizəm|
noun
a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing : “downsizing” as a euphemism for cuts. The opposite of dysphemism.

ORIGIN late 16th cent.: from Greek euphēmismos, from euphēmizein ‘use auspicious words,’ from eu ‘well’ + phēmē ‘speaking.’

I’ve always liked “croaked” for “died” – but I’m not sure how that’s any less harsh.

I think “making the beast with two backs” and “doing the horizontal monkey dance” are two great euphemism for having sex. The first one in a literate way, the other in a silly one.
I also recall friends referring to taking a crap as “accompanying a Negro to the subway.” But people might consider that one a bit on the politically incorrect side. Pretty sure it wasn’t supposed to be racist though.
And for the liquid variant of using the loo, there’s “making a libation to the Porcelain Altar.”

My favorite phrase: “Sharp as a Beach Ball” instead of “Dumb”.

Which I think is a double-euphemism as “sharp” is a euphemism for “smart”.

do I get extra points? ;^)

That last one is more of a dead metaphor than of a euphemism.

Letting someone go instead of firing them. Like they were really hoping you’d “let” them go!

@Fyrius: So could that be a croaked metaphor then?

A late metaphor that kicked the bucket and went pushing up the daisies from six feet under.

…‘cuz it won’t be down for dinner as it bought the farm.

“Straight as a rainbow” for being gay. Great stuff.

“Squeezes Lincoln ‘til he shrieks” for “miserly, or tight with a penny” would have been my favorite, until i saw “straight as a rainbow.”

‘Parking my breakfast’ for an afternoon poop. ‘Parking my supper’ for the morning equivalent.

“Playing 5 on 1” for jerking off.

so I meant metaphor instead of euphemism. Thanks to the Language Police for correcting my obvious faux pas. :-)

‘Dropping the kids off at the pool’ for taking a shit, and ‘nuttier than squirrel shit’ to mean effing crazy.

And some of these I am going to start using on a regular basis. Thanks.

Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
Shitting in High Cotton (Thinking you’re doing well or getting one over on someone)
Crazier than a shithouse rat

He doesn’t know enough to pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and directions on the heel… I’m sure the origin of that one is quite interesting! Who pisses in their boots in the first place?

filmfann: “visiting Mary Palm and her five daughters”

EPZ: You are welcome. I’m pleased to see that my posse were on the job. I’m glad about feeling confident that you won’t make that mistake again.— The Language High Sheriff<grin>

juwhite1: “let” in the phrase that you cite does not mean “allow”—it means “cause” (an older meaning, preserved in phrases like “let them know”). and as a noun it can mean “obstacle”! (in, f.e., “without let or hindrance”, and in racket-and-net games). Some other examples of words embracing (in “big tent” style) apparently contradictory meanings are cleave, halve, and (especially confusingly in newspaper headlines) “sanction”.

@LexWordsmith
(^ See what I did there? Putting an @ in front of the name makes it all red and linky. And underlined. And whatnot.)

Language Enforcement Officer reporting for duty, sir.
Will we get to give her a ticket next time? Free money. >:D

@Fyrius : TNX!

and, yes, you may keep 95% of whatever you can bamboozle the perp into thinking the fine is, and send the other 5% to the perp’s favorite charity—for myself, i seek nothing but the selfless satisfaction of elevating the community standards.

headline on USA State Dept. all-purpose press release:
“USA Sanctions Iran Election Results”

and, now, i think that my job here is done—Hi-yo, Platinum! Away!

Well butter my butt and call me a biscuit, look who’s here!

I thought of another one I like. If my grandma sees a car she likes or something she’ll say, “I wish I had that Cadillac and he had a feather up his butt, then we’d both be tickled!” We have shortened it a bit to just to ” I wish he had a feather up his butt” usually though.

Busier than a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

Sorry, that’s all that came to mind on short notice.

She/He has a face like a Bulldog chewing a Wasp.
or
A face like a sack of Bulldog pups.

Funny, but don’t quote me.

a face like a bag of crushed assholes.

anybody have a good feel for the difference between a euphemism and a euphuism? i know the dictionary definitions, but i don’t really “feel” them very effectively.

in answer to the original Q: How about “The hand that rocked the cradle kicked the bucket” for “The mother died.”?

A face like a saint.
...Bernard.

@LexWordsmith: I only just learned about the existence of the word “euphuism”. I’ll give it a nice place in my vocabulary. It’s new to my spell checker, too.
Judging from the Wiktionary definition, the difference must be that a euphemism is a way to avoid having to say a taboo (or otherwise nasty sounding) word or phrase, whereas a euphuism seems to be just a really fancy way to say whatever it is you want to say.

@Fyrius : great explanation, very helpful—thanks!

Glad I could help.