What do i do when i know there is something wrong with my love life?

A relationship should not involve this kind of constant pain and struggle. If you’re not happy now, you won’t be happy spending the rest of your life with this guy. Get out while you can.

I have tried before but it just seems like i cant walk away. When i did walk away i wasnt eating i was realy low. Hopefully one day i will see the light at the end of the tunnel which some people call feedom. I think that i cant live with out him but i guess every women goes throught it.

Abusive people will do as much as you let them get away with. If you tolerate being called a bitch and a whore now, look out! After you’re married it will be much worse. Why in the world would you consider marrying someone who already gives you so much disrespect? Do you really think that little of yourself?

Judi its actaully heasier said than done. We where planning to get marries on my 21st but that deffo not going to happen. Like i said some days its good but most are bad i just wish i could walk away but i cant there must be something there if i cant close the door.

What you are describing is emotional abuse. It can be every bit as damaging as physical abuse, and it follows the same type of pattern. You are young, you deserve a happy healthy relationship, and contrary to how it might feel or what he might say, these things do not typically get better over time, in fact they tend to get worse. Please seek some help, prepare yourself, and move on with your life – leaving him behind.

The first time anyone called me any of those names, I would walk out the door and never come back. No way would I put up with that bullsh*t.

Respect yourself, end this pattern and move on.

Get away from him. He has issues he needs to solve first, and it seems as if they run pretty deep. The red flag has been raised, and you’re in danger.

Are you telling me that the both of you are engaged after knowing each other for one year? Let me tell you something. That’s way too short a time to get to know someone. And if that’s the case, you really don’t have any real commitment to him to get him to go and see someone to help him. Have you been active in seeking help for his behaviour? Do not get married. Get away from the engagement. You rushed into it. I think that you’ve made a mistake in this and that it seems way too tangled up to even try fixing it.

You can try to be a good and selfless person in trying to help him get better, but it doesn’t seem as if you’ve been taking a very active role in this relationship. So for you to start now would be well… challenging, to say the least.

Of course the choice is all yours, how much are you willing to sacrifice? How much are you willing to go through in the hope that he’ll possibly get better?

But I’m very very inclined to say that if you stay in this you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery and pain and you’ll probably be a statistic in the number of abused wives.

Supermouse everything does get worse i am seeking help but i dont know what it is that is keeping me here..i do love him but the way he treats me then says he loves me that aint no man thats a coward am i right?

Two words of advice: get out.

You’ll get over it. You’ll start eating again. You’re only 20 and there’s no way you should be in this kind of relationship. If you get married it will only become more complicated and, before you know it, you won’t be able to leave even if you wanted to.

Judi’s right. An abusive person will continue to be hurtful as long as he can always find a way to lure his or her partner back in. They usually follow up with a showering of gifts, compliments or special treatment. It’s a cycle. You know it’s not healthy, and you don’t need to be in this relationship. Your fiance does not treat you this way out of love. Someone who truly loves you should treat you with kindness and respect. If you can leave for good, move on and find out what a relationship should be like, you will be so much happier.

Saturated…..I have got him into seeking help. Yeah the first day we meet that was it we where living together. I said we rushed into things the answer i got was because thats what you call love. I realy do want to walk away but thinking of leaving him behind kills me,

dicoin….yeah both are correct. Living in my house is like living in a killing house honestly. Its gets worse n worse and yuo are right he will come home with CD’s for me all that kind of stuff and me silly thinks he wont be like that again untill the next time. I feel like i need dragged out like i cant just walk out if you get me?

@Lost You don’t love him. You’re dependent on him. That is not love. Love is when you’re able to give freely to someone. You’ll be able to live independently on your own, but love is supposed to enrich your life. What you’re living is not a life of love. It’s a life of extreme pain when he abuses you, and elation when he comes back to you. It’s a mad alternation between the two with no breaks in between, and your life is going to be torture.

You both agreed that you rushed things. Good. But you MUST get OUT girl. From what I see, this relationship was a mistake to begin with. You still have a long life ahead of you.

Right now, I think that you’re just surviving on a day-by-day basis.
If there’s one thing you can do for yourself, it’s to live.

You keep going back because you’re afraid of change and he has you convinced you will probably not find any one any better. It’s a lie. Yes, it is scary being alone, but you will be way better off in the long run. He is obviously not happy with you, (how can you be happy with someone you think is a bitch and a whore) and you are obviously being hurt and abused.
There is absolutely no reason to voluntarily put yourself in this situation. Get some counseling. No one “in their right mind” would put up with this. You need some help to find your right mind again. A supportive caring relationship is such a gift. Don’t deny yourself that opportunity by saddling yourself to this misery. Move on and get counseling.

Saturated….i do love him or i would have left when he put me in hospital,broke my ribs, gave me some punched and that any other women would walk away…i didnt because i love him. My love for him hos going dramatically down hill,so yeah maybe one day i will see sense

@Lost He put you in the hospital?! Lost…

I am going to speak for the collective…

Stop fooling yourself. You are not in love and he is using you as a punching bag. Get yourself out of this relationship RIGHT NOW. Or else you are going to live life without knowing what happiness and real love truly is.

Judi thats exactly what he told me ” You will find no one that will love you more than i do” I actually think am brain washed sounds silly but it happens. Hopefully one day i will be smiling and proud of myself get my old happy bubbly personality backx

Well lost, if you didn’t figure it out after taking a beating, I doubt if there is anything we can do to change your mind. It hurts to much to listen to someone so blind that they don’t realize that they will probably be dead within 5 years. if you’re not willing to save your own life, all I can do is pray for you.

Marriage wont fix this problem I assure you. It will make it more difficult to leave if he gets more abusive. You’re 20, you’ve got a full life ahead of you that shouldn’t include abuse, verbal or otherwise.
Abusers progressively get more abusive over time.

Judi….Yeah all my friends have said to me i cant believe how much your letting him control you and do things to you as it aint like me atall.t Thanks everyone xx

GET OUT.

You do not have to be in a relationship to be happy. You do not have to be in a relationship to be successful. You do not have to be in a relationship to be whole. You do not have to be in a relationship to be a “real woman”. Getting married should not be your life’s goal.

Walk away, live for yourself, go to school, travel, find a career you love, and when you find a new relationship in time, hopefully you will be healthy enough to know if it’s a healthy relationship.

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF.

@Lost, this could quite possibly be the most difficult thing you have ever had to do in your entire life but the fact is you have to get out of there. Please understand that you do not deserve this, no matter what, no one deserves to be mentally, emotionally, or physically abused. Get help now please and leave this guy in the dust. If you think it is difficult now, think of how much harder it might be ten years and a couple of kids from now. You deserve more, you deserve help. Please get it now.

It’s not love that’s keeping you from leaving so don’t HIDE behind that excuse. You have to leave and make it a clean cut, i.e., never call him, never answer his calls, etc. That guy has problems that you will never fix.

P.S. And don’t do this alone. Get a friend or friends to help you. Your boyfriend will not end the relationshp cleanly or easily. And he may hurt you.

What does your father tell you about him? How does your father feel about him putting you in the hospital??

I know you never thought you would be one of “those abused women,” but you are. Go to the link provided by @SuperMouse , ask for help then get out. Don’t look back, when you feel like looking back call the hot line again and ask them to talk you out of it. Press charges if he raises a hand to you, even if you feel like it’s “your fault.” They always want to make you feel like it’s your fault, but even if you call him a ball-less cunt (which he is if it makes him feel like a man to hit and demean a woman) It is not an excuse to hit you. You asked what you should do and we have told you. Are you going to do it?

I was raised old fashion. Never would I call my girlfriend (of four years) a whore, bitch, etc. That is ridiculous, a relationship should represent a team that works together. He doesn’t truely love you and respect you if he calls you those names. He can live without you and he should. Don’t let this be your only “out-cry” seek reliable family or friends, if there are none, seek professional advice. It will get worse. I have seen it, I was friends with my girl for a longtime and I witnessed the abuse in her relatonship. The first bruise I saw on her was it. I gave him an old fashion ass whooping and she left him for me. I can not type a great enough explanation to describe how much she has grown in the past four years of being with me, and not with a selfish, sad individual.

@Lost: To repeat the last twenty-five answers (since you don’t seem to be listening) get out. Then get professional help to discover what issues have made you such a doormat, at the least, and a target for violence, at the most.

Don’t spend any more time here defending an untenable choice (your life) and leave now.

I think I said it best here
http://beccanealtharp.blogspot.com/2008/10/my-very-opinionated-relationship-advice.html

Leave, and if you “can’t” leave, get good couples counseling that you both attend, and if he won’t, leave.

You keep saying that you “can’t” leave even though you know that’s what’s best for you.

Can you try this, just for an exercise: think about if you were going to leave, how that would go. Think about where you would live, what you would take with you. Think about how you would separate out your finances (assuming you share accounts). Think about every little detail. Once you have a viable plan, it might be easier to put in motion…right?

This sounds to me like emotional abuse. You need to get out of that situation and seek professional help.

@Lost – I volunteer at a Abuse Shelter for Women. I help the women that come in and over and over I hear your story. It started with words, then a slap and then being beat. Sometimes, they might have wound up in the hospital, but as it became a regular occurrence, you can’t keep going, because the doctors have to report suspected abuse. The abuser (your boyfriend) can’t risk jail, can he? Over and over, I hear the same story, “He loves me, he told me so. He apologized the next morning, he can’t live with what he did to me.” Sure he can, because he continues to do the same, and often.

@Lost, you are now conditioned to accept that behavior. You now are so set in the pattern and he has done exactly what he set out to do. He controls you…to a point. You do have choices. You will survive without him. You need to make the choice to love and respect yourself enough to leave.

Ask yourself this. If you stay with him and later have children, would this be okay for them to be around? Would you want them to see you being abused, worse yet; for them to be abused? If you stay, that is what will happen.

I see some of the same women come in, over and over, again. Each time they say they left them for good.

I attended 6 funerals, in one year – for women who went back to the man that promised not to beat them again. They were right, the man didn’t beat them, he killed them. Don’t be one of those 6, @Lost, you are far to young and way too important to stay in a relationship like this.

(From the well educate and wise Fluther community) LEAVE HIM!

Because you love, you will feel hurt and the words won’t go so deep but trust me, there will come one too many times you hear any of those words and you won’t feel hurt, you’ll feel anger, bitterness and disgust for your partner. Cut loose now and save yourself a lot of wasted years and money on therapy.

Leave him. If you let him abuse you emotionally and physically then there’s no stopping him from one day killing you as well. I’m really sorry if I had to say that. But you said he did hurt you before and he’ll surely do it again. Don’t let it be too late for you. Nobody deserves to be treated like that. Spare your future children from going through this as well.

Last time you had broken ribs; the next time it may be your skull or spine.

you could hang out with friends to get away with this love life…..
and just leave him…. i know it’s bad for me to say that but…. if you are no happy with your love life now… why not leave him…maybe he practises hypocrisy everyday?