If you weren't religious, would you have a religious wedding if your SO wanted one? How would you raise your kids?

I personally wouldn’t go into a serious reltationship if we didn’t share the same faith. I feel it would only cause issues especially with looking on how we would raise our children.

this has been beat to death.

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 it is very easy to ignore this question then.

I was raised Episcopal, and I think I’d actually want an Episcopal wedding. Of course I’m likely to marry a woman, so I couldn’t do that at the moment, but the Episcopal church is potentially going to add a liturgy to unite same-sex couples – not sure yet if it’ll be “marriage” but… you know, close enough is close enough sometimes – and I’d really want an Episcopal wedding if they do that. I’d be open to negotiation since I’m pretty fluid on the whole what-I-believe thing (I’m a vaguely theistic agnostic basically) but being that I grew up Episcopal and my whole family is Episcopal and my mother is an Episcopal priest… I think it’d be nice to do it my way. And honestly I don’t think I’d marry someone who’s extremely religious, so I think it will probably end up that way, too. :)

As for kids? I think I’d take them to church on holidays at least, and potentially more than that if the Episcopals keep going the liberal way they have been… I love the singing part and it makes my mom happy.

@brettvdb: I believe he was pointing out that this Q has been asked before—and it has. You are encouraged to look up the previous answers.

I am an atheist Jew and so are my parents.

When I got married my husband wanted the ceremony to be traditional (for background he was raised Catholic by a Catholic mother and a formerly Jewish now Catholic father). My husband chose to convert to Judaism, not at my request, totally his idea and decision. We were married by a reformed Rabbi, and I am happy I did it that way, I love and framed my katubah (the Jewish marriage contract) but I would have been fine if it had been a non-religious ceremony also. Since my religion is more than just a belief for me, but part of my heritage in a way, I like doing the traditions.

I don’t do much of anything religiously or religion related, but if I had kids I would do the big holidays: Passover, Chanukah, and the maybe the feast after Yum Kippur. I would not raise them religiously in any formal way, I would do basically what my parents did.

It would very much depend on several factors:

How well my SO and I communicated.

What my SO’s faith was and what role it played in their life.

I would have no problem having the ceremony in my SO’s faith.

With children, I would not object to them being raised in a faith as long as they had exposure during childhood to other faiths and to a broader education in the role of religion and spirituality in history, in the world, in people’s lives.

Why would you marry someone with completely opposite religious views than you? Religion is one of those very delicate subjects that can drive a line through a friendship, marriage, etc. because strong feelings are involved either way. @brettvdb Especially with an atheist/Catholic. I mean we’re not talking Baptist/Methodist here; you two would be on the totally opposite ends of the spectrum. Raising children would be such an issue.

I’m not religious, and my wife doesn’t belong to any particular religion although I think she believes in God. We did have a priest at our wedding, in deference to her mother. The priest served as an officiant and helped us write our vows. They were our vows, though, not the priest’s. Our priest came from the Metropolitan Community Church, which is a gay church. He came dressed in a resplendent outfit, and he spoke in a deep, sonorous voice, and it was altogether a perfect way to run a wedding.

As a side note, it’s worth noting that the priest was gay. It was really funny seeing my grandmother trying to put the moves on him during the reception!

On the topic of being in a Catholic wedding—I don’t think you can do that as an atheist. Many, if not all Catholic churches require training for the couple, and the couple have to state their belief in the teachings of the Church, or the Church can not or will not marry them.

@BBSDTfamily you would be right if she was a hardline Catholic, but she isn’t. She was just raised in a catholic family and I know that the traditions are important to her, and especially her family.

@brettvdb Actually, I think @daloon is right. When my mom does weddings (although this is Episcopal, not Roman Catholic) she must do marriage counseling beforehand, and I think they do ask you what you believe in to make sure that your beliefs are in line with the faith of that church and you can be married by them. You might be able to find a catholic church that won’t ask this of you, but I thought it was essentially mandated.

@brettvdb Ahh good point. Someone who is just going through the motions of their claimed religion would be much easier to have a relationship with. There are a large percent of people like that out there.

If I wasn’t religious, I wouldn’t get with a religious person. Problem solved.

@fireinthepriory @daloon That is good information – ive definitely heard of this being a requirement for marriage.

@Facade how about someone from a religious family?

@brettvdb If they were from a religious family, but weren’t religious themselves, I’d expect them to not let their family influence our marriage. and of course all of this would have been talked about beforehand

I’d have to say what most other people are saying. I just can’t imagine getting married to someone religious, the difference in mindsets just seems too large.
But, if for some reason, the one I decided to marry was religious (or came from a religious family), I wouldn’t mind a religious ceremony, so long as I didn’t have to pretend that I am religious.
I care more about the end result than how I get there. Why should I care if the rest of the people at the party think my hypothetical bride and I are being watched over by god and protected by him?

@brettvdb Just to chime in on the question aimed towards @Facade my husbands parents are religious, go to church minimum once a week if not more, and believe. As I said I am an atheist, and I think my husband believed in God when we met, but did not care about practicing his religion in any way. I think now that he has seen the light from me, that you can actually not believe in God, I think he doesn’t. Never mattered that his parents were religious, because my husband is very independent from his parents, it is his personality, and his parents are not intrusive at all in our marriage.

We tell the children that God only exists on alternate days.

There is no way I would have married someone who didn’t share my beliefs. But, I’m a practicing/believing Christian. It just would have caused too many problems, and I wouldn’t ever fully respect them.

I wouldn’t involve myself with a religious person. Not one of stron beliefs at least. I could tolerate a deist but then again i doubt we’d really endure.

Anyhow, no, i wouldn’t have a religious marriage, i don’t see why one’s beliefs should prevaricate the other’s. At that point i’d rather not marry at all. Same goes for raising children, i don’t see why having hem going to sunday school or anything since they’ll mostly end up not believing it if they have anything in common with me. Furthermore if they want to convert later on in life i’m not gonna stop them.

Lol @ratboy

My husbands family is religious. Sometimes I feel like they think I was one of the reasons my husband has distanced himself even more from the church, but he had already stopped going many years ago. I also found out that apparently since we didn’t have a catholic wedding that it isn’t recognized by the church (his family told me this) I mean, I know the extended family views us as married, but i do wonder what they think (my husband and I went to Vegas to a nice chapel…no church involved at all)
We’ve thought about doing a small church ceremony, mainly for my husbands family. Not because we’re religious or anything. But, even though we’re married we’d still have to do pre-cana and I don’t think I could handle that. I’m more non-religious than my husband.
As far as raising our children, we want to educate them more than preach. I want them to decide for themselves when they are old enough. My parents didn’t raise me with religion and I wish they had at least taught me. They did try to get me into CCD but I was too resistant. I want to give our children a more all around education, not just on Christianity, but also Judaism, and Muslim, Buddhism…Just teach them the basics of the religions so they can decide and learn on their own.
I don’t think I would have ever married a staunchly religious man, but my husband was raised catholic and it doesn’t interfere in our relationship.

Many people change their level of adherence to a faith once marriage and children start to appear in the picture. I think that’s mainly because then one starts really thinking of what values and culture they want to pass on to their children.

I am an atheist, so I probably wouldn’t want to marry a person who has any connection to a faith.

I wouldn’t marry a religious person, I don’t believe in God as an entity, I believe that something runs this universe though, that is also what my fiance believes, and our only rule for our children will be don’t hurt yourself or anyone else on purpose. Other than that do what you want basically with very few exceptions of what I wouldn’t allow them to do, and I cannot stand religion and it’s what I think is ridicilous beliefs, like my mormon neighbor kids are not allowed to go swimming on sunday, I think that is crazy.

I’ve been seriously involved with religious partners before and it is fine with me. I’d raise my kids to learn about every religion and choose what is best for them. If they choose to go to church, then that’s fine. I would let my partner take them. Religion is not a deeply personal thing to me; as such, it isn’t a deal-breaker.

if my fiance wanted a religious wedding, either because he is religious, or because of a tradition that mattered to him, why not? by the time i’d marry him, he’d know that he’s not ‘converting’ me through a wedding or some nonsense. i think that relationships are about compromise. it’s not going to hurt me to have a religious wedding. if the wedding is about love, then it shouldn’t matter if there’s religion involved in it, because that’s not what i’m there for.
as for kids, i don’t really believe in raising kids to believe or not believe. especially at an age during which they believe in santa and the easter bunny, which are almost religions in themselves. if they want to go to church, i’d bring them. the option would be open to them, and i’d be willing to get them religious books and whatnot. religion is personal, and i’m not going to try to instill my own beliefs on other individuals.

If my SO were religious, no i wouldnt have a problem having a religious wedding if that meant a lot to them. As far as children go, id want to raise them to think for themselves. Teach them a little bit about each religion and tell them some people(such as myself) choose to believe nothing. From that point on its up to them to make their own descision as to what they believe.

For me, no matter what I/We wanted to do. The Mother in-law called the shots.

I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a religious person. Been there, done that. Not again.

As far as the Catholic marriage of a non-Catholic, it can be done. It happens all the time. I was raised Catholic and my first marriage was in the church. There is a pre-marriage retreat weekend or class that’s required. And they asked the non-catholic to sign something saying he’d raise the kids Catholic. But they didn’t require a conversion.They are rather nosy with their questions, but if an atheist will jump through the hoops s/he can get married in the Catholic church.

My husband and I are both non-religious, but we chose to get married it his very religious family’s church because we didn’t have a lot of money/time/patience to do it anywhere else (I was knocked up). Neither of us cared- plus it was decorated really pretty because it was Christmas time. We just didn’t pray when everyone else did. There wasn’t communion or any of that stuff. It was simple and rituals were minimized. We had a lot of support from the pastor on that. It was actually hilarious because my whole side of the family was afraid they were going to catch on fire upon entering. Hahaha… and I’ll never forget my mom saying, during the rehearsal, “Bethany (my ditzy bridesmaid) better not fuck this up!” Hahaha… oh, my gay, pagan, sinful, knocked up, hillbilly family. What my husband’s side must have thought.

I actually did this. It’s not that I’m not religious, but I just don’t like this whole theatrical performance that goes on in a church and has absolutely nothing to do with love or commitment. And since I got married in Greece, anyone who’s seen “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” knows exactly what I had to endure…yes, that movie’s pretty accurate.

But I still went along, thinking that it was worth the trouble and that, like the character in the movie, in the end I’d end up happily married to the woman I loved. Unfortunately Hollywood doesn’t show us what happens a year down the line, and my marriage was far from a happy one, but that’s a different story.

So yeah, I’d put up with the silliness for a day if that’s what makes her happy.

Just to give you an idea:
1. The wedding dress (just to hire) cost 2000 euros ($2500).
2. There were 700+ guests, most of which were complete strangers to not just me, but also my wife. Their food cost 11,000 euros ($13,000), which should traditionally be paid by the bride’s father, but because he couldn’t afford it (even though he could afford to invite all those people by word of mouth), that meant I had to pay half and my dad the other half.
3. The queue at the church just to greet us was so long that it took us over an hour to see everyone. That’s on top of the other hour the actualy ceremony took. And it was extremely hot with all the lights on etc. Two hours standing like that, it’s more tiring than any concert I had to do. But there was probably a bigger audience come to think of it.
4. The wedding invitations cost over 2euros a piece, which meant about 1000 ($1200 or so) just for that.
5. During the feast I had to endure 6–7 hours of the most horrible music, and was not allowed to bring in my own band (as a singer I obviously know very good musicians that would have done for free or very cheap). The musicians at that particular venue have a contract, and get huge tips at weddings, so they wouldn’t have wanted someone to take their job on that day.
6. We were sitting under a spotlight, meaning I had to change 5 shirts that night due to extreme sweating. I think I probably got a tan too.
7. The food (which had cost us 11,000 euros) was actually mediocre. Not complete crap, but certainly not worth it.
8. My sister got married at the town hall. It took her 10 minutes to sign the papers (which are free to get) and then we all had a great party at her place. 20–30 of us, some with instruments, playing out in the garden, while others were making a BBQ. Plenty of cheap booze for everyone and lots of fun. Oh and she wore a wonderful white dress that cost her like 200 euros and she can wear again.

I would consent to a religious wedding, but it may not happen. The church I was involved in would not perform marriages for inter-faith couples.

If I ever have kids, I do not want them raised in a religious setting. A great deal of the power of religion is in its ability to be impressed on the young mind. Children are often looking to please, and the rewards/threats made by religions abuse that innocence. If I have children, they will not be exposed to religion until they are mature enough to deal with each religion in turn and assess it rationally. I know people who are essentially agnostic, but still profess Christianity because they fear hell and keep up the charade to avoid hell if it exists. I do not want ridiculous superstitions to haunt my children even after they are quite sure they are only superstitions.

I wouldn’t mind being in a relationship with a religious person, provided they didn’t try to convert me…I probably wouldn’t get married to a religious person because I would not want my children raised to think that there is a god when that’s not true

A lot of great answers here. Just to clarify my own position on this. I am not planning on getting married anytime soon – this was just something I started thinking about because a friend of mine has been dating an Irish Catholic for awhile now and wanted my opinion on it (since im dating an Italian Catholic). My SO is not crazy religious, she doesnt go to church every week, she would never try to convert me, and if anything she likes the traditions of Catholicism more than the actual preachings. This is not a question of marrying someone who i have totally different views from – I don’t. In fact we agree on almost everything. This is a question of marrying someone who comes from a religious family that I know would want a Catholic wedding if it were to happen.

As for children, I would teach them to think critically, and expose them to all religions but enforce that I don’t believe in any of them.

Sure, I was raised amongst an environment of ‘soft catholicism’ (though I was very much oblivious to religion) and am currently an agnostic but don’t feel that would interfere.
My partners theological beliefs would probably not be an issue for me in any relationship or marriage unless they made it an issue. With concerns to children if my spouse insisted on teaching them solely religious beliefs I would probably do some “what mummy doesn’t know won’t hurt her” teaching when she’s not around. Perhaps not the most honest manner to approach such things but it seems reasonably plausible.

I’m an atheist too

I don’t want a traditional wedding at all, which has just as much to do with my feminism as my godlessness. I suppose I wouldn’t necessarily mind getting married in a church, as far as ambiance goes they can be pretty nice environments, but I would never be married by a clergyman. Religion holds no sway over my life and I certainly don’t think it should be allowed to preside over my marriage.

I’m not going to have kids, but if I were I would raise them to understand the world, it’s people and how to function in it. The emphasis would be on good choices based on understanding and reason, no dogma of any sort (including non religious) would be tolerated.

I couldn’t handle a dogmatic partner in the first place so I can’t imagine anyone I would want to marry would take exception to any of this.

well i was raised has a jehovah witness and i just married a muslim. we had a mayor marry us has far has the children thats something you both sit down and talk about. good luck

In my first marriage, we were married in the Catholic church because it was very important to my husband’s family and we loved them all to death and wanted to please them so if that meant having our union “blessed” then that was fine. My husband was raised Catholic, the priest was a longtime family friend who became one of my dearest friends, a man of great world knowledge and an enthusiast of world religions. It took a bit of maneuvering for me to be allowed to take the ceremony but I did it and there are many teachings of several religions I actually like and respect, the binding of a committed couple in front of their loved ones and friends is one of them.

I am not religious at all, my husband has his own beliefs and at the time we got married, 25 years ago, he was attending a church. I had met his minister and he was a very nice man, we talked about things and he was happy to marry us at the country club we belonged to at the time. We wrote our own wedding vows so that there was no religious content on my part and all in all we had a good day. Our son was brought up to have a mind of his own and he was exposed to different religions and allowed to make his own choices.

We were married in the Episopal Cathedral because my mother wanted it that way. Neither of us were believers. The ceremony was impressive. The collar of my dress uniform was too tight and Meg was suffocating in that monstrosity of a dress. Meg was frightened at having to pass under the saber arch on the steps afterwards. The reception was a total bore, both of us got looped on champagne. We were both suffering from hangovers when we got on the plane for Barbados.