If my partner is carrying the child, would you see me as the mom too?

Your friend’s being a dick. Of course you’re the baby’s mom too.

YES, you are a mom. Just because you aren’t genetically involved doesn’t mean you aren’t a mom. You’ll be contributing a LOT more to that child than simply finances. Does this friend (I think he doesn’t really deserve that title) view adoptive parents the same way? Probably not. What about step parents?
You will be raising the child just as much as your partner. You will be a mom.

That’s just him. Ignore him, (Hopefully-)Mom(-to-be)!

You’re every bit the mother as much as my father (who is technically my step father) is my father.

Parenthood is determined by who raises the kid, not who contributes genetic material.

Your friend is an ass. But, I would get the legal documents in order so you are legally a parent.

Yea, parents aren’t always biological. I hope you enjoy motherhood :)

Yes, I would see you as the mom. Fingers crossed for a positive test!

You are the mom as well as your partner. I agree with the rest ^, your friend is being ignorant. Best wishes!

I would be very curious to know your “friend”‘s opinion of step-parents, foster parents, adoptive parents, etc

(All this being said, of course, you really should make sure you get whatever legal paperwork is required to make you a legal guardian. Not just in the unfortunate chance you and your partner break up, but also for things like medical issues, school field trip forms, etc. I don’t know if you are married to your partner (or if you’re even in a state that allows same-sex marriages), but even if you are, I would still recommend getting the legal guardianship forms taken care of.)

The baby, your partner and yourself will see you as Mom! Does it matter what anyone else says?

Of course I’d see you as a Mom! Congrats to you both!!!

your the mom.

Your friend is a rude person. Even if he was joking he should have better judgment than that.

Yes, you are the mother as well. Don’t listen to your jerky friend.

I love the way best friends are the ones that can get away with saying things like that.

In a sense though he has a point, I think I would see you as a parent and your partner as a mother. Until you have the next one of course, then you could get to be the mother and you will both be mothers and parents all wrapped up in one :-)

Wishing you and your partner all the best on your new bundle of joy xxx

I’d be willing to bet that your friend is not a father. Never will be a father. His view may change if he ever does become a father. At least lets hope so. Other wise he would just be a financier.

@RareDenver so my father is “just a parent”, and not a father? That’s a pretty silly distinction.

Are you a woman with a child?Then your the mom. A financier wouldn’t change diapers and get up at 3am.

@MrItty No not at all, my father is my father, his wife on the other hand is still my parent even though she is not my mother.

Maybe I wasn’t clear when I said about the next one, I was assuming the point that MindStudy would carry the next child.

“Mom-ism” has nothing to do with who “carried” the child. My wife is mom to three even though she has never “borne” a child.

Nope, you’ll be a mom, too! Congrats!

i don’t think being a mom (or dad for that matter) has anything to do with who’s genetics are in the kid. it’s about who raises him or her, and who cares about him or her. congratulations to the new parents (:

@RareDenver did your “parent” raise you, the way my father raised me?

You would be the Dad.

Ok… Ok… Just kidding.

Hi Im Jess, the hopeful oven. I really appreciate all of your kind words. This is exactly what I told her:) Biology does not make a parent. I am no more the mom than she is. Seriously it is so nice to hear that there are so many openminded people out there. It means so much:)

Thanks everyone! Yes, my friend can be quite the Jerk sometimes. Funny enough he is a parent of two boys. Every once in a while he comes out with this incredibly ignorant comment and I call him out everytime. True to his nature he hides behind the “i was just kidding” comment. He also has a stepfather that he considers his dad. His ignorance is primarily centered around gays/lesbians.

@mritty – yes we have an attorney nad have had discussions about the legalities. We’ll wait until after the 3rd trimester before putting everything in place. Unfortunately we dont live in a state (Florida) that allows gays/lesbians to adopt but we will have a co-parenting agreement drafted along with a few other docs.

Thanks again everyone… your comments are very heartening and i appreciate all of the well wishes!

@lucky1 – Hopeful congrats!!! That is so cool! Good luck!!! Here is hoping for the best for you and Welcome to Fluther the both of you!

@ChazMaz – LOL… i was expecting that.. :P

@Bri_L – Thanks! I’ve really been enjoying the site!

@MrItty

No, I had already grown up and left home by the time my father met her

@RareDenver then your situation isn’t remotely the same as mine or as MindStudy & lucky1’s kid, now is it?

@MrItty

No but it doesn’t change the fact that that is how I would view the situation, now does it?

If you (a) consider yourself to be a woman, and (b) have a child, of any kind, genetic, adoptive, biological, etc, then yes, in my eyes, you’re a mom! Congratulations! What a crappy thing for your friend to say, but what an exciting time for you!

@RareDenver Actually, I’m willing to bet that it does. You can’t know how you’d feel in a situation if you didn’t grow up in that situation. Regardless, now we’re both theorizing.

@MrItty

I’m not saying it’s a bad thing or anything, just that as an outsider looking in I would see two parents (MindStudy and Jess) and one mother (Jess)

agh… i meant we would start the documents after the 1st trimester – not the 3rd…

I actually came quite close to donating my baby gravy to a lesbian couple I knew that wanted a child but they decided not to have a child in the end. Probably a good thing as one of them started fooling around with a much younger girl on the side not long after that and the whole relationship ended very messily.

@RareDenver I understand what you’re saying. I don’t think your “bad” or even “wrong” for having that mindset. I just am of the belief that it’s a pretty silly definition. “Parent” is simply the gender-neutral term for “mother” or “father”. “mother” is, by definition, “female parent”.

We can agree to disagree.

Even though this will not be a child you carried in your womb, you will still be the mom. I adopted two children and have a step-son – I am mom to all three although not genetically related to any of them.

Your child will have two moms and be very lucky that you both will love and care for it.

You would be a dom

Congratulations, future Mommies! Please stick around on Fluther. There are all sorts of discussions you may me interested in.

For the record, it’s probably too soon for your offspring to play the guitar or have formal guitar lessons. Wait a few years, and start with percussion instruments. :^>

One, your friend is a jerk-face and could really use some sensitivity training.

Two, of COURSE you will be a mother. Or mommy. Or whatever else you want to call it.

Does your friend think that adopted children have co-financiers and no parental involvement?

If, and this is a strong if, if he was just trying to point out the potential legal hassles for you down the road if you live in a gay unfriendly area, he did it very poorly. But he’s kind of right, you might want to draw up something with a lawyer that says “we are both parents of this kid” because otherwise you might not have legal rights to the kid. While everything is great now, it is always best to prepare for the worst in the future (ie, divorce). But I’m not a lawyer, so what do I know?

When I was young, my biological father was murdered. As time passed, my mom fell in love and married another man, my wonderful step-father. Never once did I refer to him as anything other than “Dad.” No genetics to tie us together, nothing. No adoption, out of respect for my biological father’s side of the family. None of that. Just the promise he made to my mother to be our father and to help raise us.

He was there for everything, when he passed this year, I lost one of thee most important people in my life. My dad was a huge part, and will always be a huge part of my life.

You are going to be a great Mom. :) Congratulations to you and your partner. May she have a safe and healthy pregnancy. Best wishes!

Hope Jess is pregnant. What a lucky baby to have two great Moms!

@lucky1 @MindStudy Congratulations to a couple special moms!

I was going to side with your friend, but after reading all these replies, I realize a person who raises a child is viewed as a parent. Biological or not. Cool. Good luck!

::cape flaps in the breeze, arms akimbo::

Yes, well, then we’ve done our job, @Deepness. You have a good day, now!

And Good Luck with your bun in the oven, @lucky1 and @MindStudy!

::flies off::

Adding to the others, you will be a mom.

If you’re raising the munchkin…you’re a “mom”.

And your friend, needs a smack in the head.

Welcome to Fluther.

@Deepness – Kick ass that your open enough to change your mind. There are people out there who are not. I am not referring to anyone specific on this thread or site.

I see you as co-parents. Labels, Mom, Dad, caregiver..who cares..enjoy. Never worry about what other people say, just honestly do and feel what is right in your heart. You can never go wrong and your child will be loved. That love is the most important thing and the only thing to consider.Your friend can stick his opinion wherever.

Congratulations I hope. You will be a Mom.
Your friend, however, will always be just a dick.

Can I ask how your partner got pregnant? In Vitro? Helpful friend? David Crosby?

We’re going with an open donor thru a cryobank.

Our attorney and doc strongly advised against going with a known donor to avoid any potential legalities.

I think that is a good idea. Also, and it may just be me, in my mind it would make for a more complete worry free experience for you. No concern on any level for the inclusion of the contributor in anything.

@bri_l – absolutely!!! We had pretty much come to that decision for the reasons you listed. Doc & lawyer just concretized it for us. Ugh.. The horror stories.

We’re going with the open donor to give our child the choice of meeting the donor when they are of age…

@MindStudy: It sounds like that means your kid will be able to ask the donor about health issues later which is great. For the stuff that, you know, they don’t have in their family history now (maybe mom didn’t get breast cancer yet or he didn’t develop his strange, genetic illness yet) but will totally be important later.

@MindStudy – I think that is a respectful and responsible choice. There are medical reasons that is a good idea as well.

Kick ass parents already!

@MindStudy I’ve watched a few seasons of L Word because my gf loves the show. I think (not too sure) the couple in the show did something similar. I only watched it for the girl-on-girl scenes. I love Shane. I don’t know why my gf watched all six seasons on her own. Hmm… Maybe she’s a keeper. insert evil laughter here

@aprilsimnel and @Bri_L Well, yeah, I guess you’re right. Most people are very adamant about things once they choose a side. I did side with her friend totally. Reading the posts changed my mind because I believe it’s true. My mom has raised a few kids who don’t belong to her and they call her “Ma”. She’s fed them, clothed them, raised them, taught them and loved them. So she rightfully earned her “Ma” degree. I believe so will @MindStudy

I hope I make a great dad one day.

@Deepness – You hang on to the ability to keep an open mind when it comes to listening to others, and you will. Especially when they are young.

It is easy to want to look at your 6 year old and not give them the chance to present their side of why they should have an ice cream bar 10 before bed. But when you show them respect like that they remember.

Mama is as mama does!