For the married couples here on Fluther, a question about communication between spouses and their parents.

Regarding the marriage, there shouldn’t be discussions with parents and in-laws that aren’t had with your spouse first. I know a lot of people are really close to their parents, but marriage to someone is an intimate partnership with that person. If it’s a healthy one, you’d probably want to discuss it with your partner first. There are always special circumstances, but that’s my initial thought.

I would say anyone breaking confidence on a serious matter is betraying your trust, parent or not.

I can only speak for my marriage, but there is nothing I would have said to my family (parents, aunts, grandmother) that couldn’t be repeated to my wife. Same goes for my wife and her family.

I feel, when married, your first allegiance is to your spouse. No secrets.

I have had relatives and friends start a conversation with, “Don’t tell your wife, but…” – To which I always interupt and explain they probably shouldn’t continue because I don’t keep things from my wife.

Now I’m not saying you have to report, verbatim, every conversation back to your spouse, but if the subject comes up, there should be no need to lie or omit parts of the conversation.

I have never had a discussion with my parents that my spouse could not hear. I don’t believe he has had such a conversation with his parents, either. Getting married means you have left your parents’ house and established your own, and while your parents are still your parents, your spouse is your partner.

However, there are times in a troubled marriage that I can see a person turning to someone they love and respect to ask for advice or to vent. However, it would be better to ask for help from a counselor, with the goal of working out the problem with your partner.

It isn’t always disloyal to your spouse (depending on the circumstances) but it is certainly unwise. And certainly anytime someone betrays a confidence you have a right to feel they have done the wrong thing.

My spouse is the one person on the planet that I discuss all things with – and I truly mean all things. We have shared things that would break up other couples, so I really can’t imagine either of us approaching a relative (parent) with this type of conversation. I’m sure that I would be very hurt if my husband did this, since we have been so open with each other – why start hiding things now.

I would find it as a betrayal on some level, on both fronts. One, my spouse no longer approaching me and two, the parent involved not redirecting my husband to me, where the conversation needs to occur. If the parent broke the trust of the conversation (which should not have occurred in the first place) that is also a betrayal.

I would never tell anyone anything about Sherry that I would not be comfortable saying in Sherry’s presence. The contrary is not only disloyal but stupid. And, if you are stupid enough to do it and discover your confidence has been betrayed, you’ve not only lost any trust in your confidant, your pissed off, your wife is pissed and it is a lose-lose-lose situation, which makes you even more stupid. You just don’t do anything that lame-brained….you can’t possibly expect anything good to come of it. See ya…...wtf

If my wife needs to talk to her folks privately I can respect that. I don’t like it, but I can respect it. If it becomes a situation of her talking to them more than me, like lately, then I am not pleased.

If she tells them not to tell me and they do. That is a complete betrayal of trust.

Thanks for all the responses everyone including the straightforward to the brutally honest. The answers were pretty much what I was expecting to hear. The situation I described does have to do with me and without giving out any details, my communication processes went from spouse to counselor to a parent so I tried to do what I thought was the right progression in covering my bases in a sincere effort to work through a problem.

I said something to my son in confidence once, when they first met, and he shared it with her. Now she hates me. I would have never said it if I would have known he would tell her.

Yes, it is disloyal to your spouse to tell your parent something in confidence. Your parent should know enough to refuse to hear it with that condition. Having agreed to hear it in confidence, your parent betrays you by mentioning it to your spouse.

i suppose that you could say something in confidence to a parent that had absolutely nothing to do with your spouse, you, or your marriage—maybe “i accidentally discovered that your best friend is committing adultery”—but why would you keep that from your spouse? unless the latter is a known blabbermouth, in which case you need to discuss that issue with your spouse. In general, any urge to keep any secret from your spouse is a sign that something is wrong and needs to be discussed. If you are a Christian, think “and the two shall become one flesh.”

…and if you’re secular, think “I’ll divorce your ass so fast your head will spin.” ;^)

In your case, Blue, it sounds like you did things in the right order. I was thinking of just such a situation when I read your question. Your spouse knows about the problem, you’ve worked with a counselor, and you confided in a parent. I don’t necessarily feel that’s being disloyal to your spouse. It may not be the wisest course of action, because it could taint your parent’s view of your spouse and marriage. Even if you later reconcile the problem, your parent may never look at your spouse the same way. Good intentions often lead to a bad result.

Now, as for your parent breaking your request for confidentiality… Perhaps the parent thought they were doing the right thing (for you and your wife) in telling your wife about the conversation. That was not their call to make though. Good intentions often lead to a bad result. Either that, or it was a deliberately malicious thing to do. Since you know your parents better than I, I’ll leave that call up to you.

Whatever the problem is, I hope you all get it figured out. Good luck Blue and {hugs}.

@cprevite : if you’re religious and not RC, then you might say ” “I’ll divorce your ass so fast your head will spin, more in sorrow than in anger, and i’ll pray for the salvation of your soul, you worthless scum” or something equally meek and benevolent.<grin>

@LexWordsmith: lol.

@Bluefreedom I’m sorry that you are going through this. As you have already discovered, a parent is a poor choice as a confidant for a marital problem. That is because parents are never unbiased listeners and may well have their own agenda regarding the marriage.

1. Dr. Phil, laugh if you want, but I think he is right about this, says that turning outside the marriage to fix a marital problem is never the right thing to do.

2. You don’t mention if you went to counseling solo or you both went.

If it was me, my next steps would be as follows:

A sincere apology to my spouse for what that person regards as a violation of trust. Something like this, “I made a mistake. It was not my intention to hurt you, but obviously, it was not a good idea to talk about this with my (insert parent here). I realize that I may have made things worse, but I hope you will see that I did it out of my pain and my desire to figure out how best to work on this issue.”

A talk with my parent. In my case, it would go something like this, “I know you may have had my best interests at heart, but I told you what I told you in confidence, and you violated that confidence. I still love you, but you have to know that I will not be comfortable confiding in you again. Please do not speak about this issue or any personal issue with “spouse’s name” again.”

I am sure that you are dealing with a difficult situation. I wish you very much all the best as you continue to work through it. You are obviously a wise and caring man. You might find comfort or valuable information in Harville Hendrix’s book, “Getting the Love You Want.” If you can get your spouse to read it too, all the better.

I talk to my mother sometimes, before talking to my husband..just to get an idea of how to go about what I want to say to my husband. I know what I can and cannot tell my mother though, she would never go and straight up tell my husband but eventually something would slip out. And she does bring up issues with him that I complain to her about. But there is nothing I’d share with my mother that I wouldn’t share or talk to my husband about. I am more upfront with him than my parents, because to me that’s how a relationship works.

I am certainly NOT closer to my parents than I am to my partner and he is NOT closer to his parents than to me…therefore anything serious that he discusses with them first would bother me, yes…

My opinion is: You can confide in your family if you are having problems in your life, whether it is marital, work, friendship, etc. but DO keep in mind that you have to have a pretty good handle on whether that confidant is going to be able to keep it confidential (ie between you and he/she, not he/she and the rest of the world).

If that person has violated your trust in telling someone else, particularly when you asked them not to, then it seems understandable that you would feel upset about it. Furthermore, if the person of topic was informed of the conversation (presuming it is your spouse), then that can cause salt to the wound.

Perhaps the parent may have forgotten they were supposed to keep that topic a secret. In which case, you can decide if you want to forgive them. Or, if they just couldn’t help themselves, you can still decide to forgive them (or not) but be careful what you confide to them next time, as they may be part of the information highway

I like Augustian’s answer too. Well said!

I learned a long time ago not to discuss my marriage unless it is something trivial that won’t make my husband embarrassed. An example would be an arguement about political views. But nothing of a personal nature. I keep those solely between my husband and myself. Ok, maybe sometimes on Fluther but nobody here knows him or myself.
Keep the folks out of the marriage. My mother in law tried to get in my business and I went to my father in law and told him that no one told them how they should or should not live their lives as a married couple and I desire the same in mine. He told her to butt out and that was the end of it.

My brother use to share too much information with my mom and of course she took his side and started to hate his wife. I tried to tell her that she is only hearing one side of the arguement.

If you tell something to someone, regardless if it’s your parents, then they should honor you by not repeating your conversation to others. You went to them for a reason. They should also have common sense on what’s proper to tell someone and what’s not.

I think it’s on the side of disloyalty. My wife and I are one, from our consummation of marriage. There shouldn’t be secrets between us. I trust her and she should trust me. Personally, that’s how I see it. And I would hope that her parents see things the same way I do too. Nothing is too personal or wrong that can’t be discussed openly between her and me. That’s the cornerstone of our love and trust for one another, right?