Why are some people so attached to abusive relationships?

There are many, many psychological prisons that keep people in abusive relationships.

A very common one is that the abuser has cut off all contact with their friends and family such that they believe they simply have nowhere to go.

Another common scenario is one where the abused person was told to get out of the relationship by friends and family and now that they finally realize they should, feel like they’d be too embarrassed almost to say “yes, I need help, I need to get out of here”. I’m not describing this one as well as I could, but hopefully you get the idea.

The abuser may have been able to make the abused believe that they deserve what is happening to them. That they are causing the anger that comes their way—it is their fault, so they deserve it.

But in the end it often boils down to being mentally trapped.

I really like girls that treat me badly. I don’t know why.

My mom was voted Class Flirt in the 12th grade, and continues to flirt with many men -but innocently. She views it as friendly conversation. It’s not, especially when they buy her drinks. My dad doesn’t mind, hes grown used to it. In my last relationship, the girl I was with was a major flirt – but didn’t realize it. She flirts with friends’ boyfriends, homosexuals… everyone! But doesn’t seem to recognize it as flirting.

That made me realize that I adore bitchy, flirty women, who crave attention and hit on all the men they can find. None of them do it intentionally, it’s just the way they work. I think it goes back to the Freudian theory….

My dating history is a who’s who of beautiful, bitchy, crazy teases. My last was a 7 month relationship in which all of my friends told me to get away from her, but I couldn’t. She was awful to me, and I loved every second of it.

It’s a horrible habit and I don’t know how to fix it.

I hope that answers your question.

I speak from experience when I say there are a whole bunch of reasons why people remain in abusive relationships. It varies from case to case. In my case, I felt like I needed to prove myself to the man. When he would treat me badly and physically or emotionally try to bring me down, I felt as if I needed to try even harder to please him. So on the days that he was respectful to me, it was as though I had earned that respect. Over time I realized that I was attracted to men that treated me badly because of my father. He always made me work for his his attention but no more matter how many times I thought I’d done enough to keep him happy, the emotional abuse would start all over again. Same goes for relationships with men. They never change. No matter how many times you try to prove yourself worthy of their love and affection. Those types of relationships aren’t healthy. It sometimes just takes awhile to wake up and realize it. And even after the realization, it takes a very strong person to walk away.

@trumi @ItalianPrincess1217 Thank you for sharing such a personal experience.

**Note: I only make references to “he” as the abuser for lack of a better word, not to insinuate that only men are abusive in relationships.

Often times, the abusive person in the relationship will tell them things like, “I love you. I would never leave you, you know that? If you ever left me, I would hunt you down and…” (You get the idea).
The victim of the abuse believes the abuser, thinking that they must love them, why else would we still be in a relationship? Why would they care about them leaving him so much that he would hurt me if I left? Or they simply stay in the relationship out of fear that their abuser would follow through with their threats.

Other times, the abuser always apologizes, saying things like “I love you. I don’t know what came over me. I promise that I will do better from now on.”
Again, playing the love card, the victim believes the abuser. And they think, they love me. They will get better because he loves me. But, of course, they never do stop the abuse, yet the victim is drawn by the love that they share.

Sometimes, the abuser is the source of income and a roof over the victim’s head. If the victim leaves the abuser, they will have nothing, so they stay in the relationship.

Also, as @EmpressPixie stated, the abuser often puts down the victim to the point that they believe that they deserve their punishment. Thus, they don’t feel a need to get out of the relationship.

If the abuse involved is sexual, the abuse can make the victim feel so badly about themselves and become so ashamed that they feel they don’t deserve to live happily and without pain. They can become very weak and unstable mentally and physically, and leaving the relationship isn’t their main focus. This also occurs with physical and verbal abuse, but is much more common when sexual abuse is present.

Like I briefly mentioned earlier, fear is also often a major component. The abuser often makes threats to their significant other, so the victim becomes afraid to leave. If they outright tell their abuser that they’re leaving them, they will get hurt, so it’s usually not an option. But if they sneak out, they’re afraid that they will be caught. They assume that the abuse that will be delivered is worse than any abuse they would get otherwise.
Not to mention, some abusers are so convincing and obsessed that they will literally hunt down their victim if they leave, and deliver one final blow, which the victim knows. So these victims stay in the relationship because they figure any abuse that they would get on a day to day basis would be better than the abuse that they would get for leaving.

Comfort. Fear of being alone. Low self-esteem.

There are so many reasons. The biggest one, from my experience, is that abusers find your weak spots and use that knowledge to crush your self-esteem. You think you deserve it, or possibly don’t even recognize it as abuse, but as the consequences of things you have done and, therefore, your own fault. If you do realize what’s happening you have been convinced no one else will ever want you and you will never be able to make it on your own.

Love hurts so good.

The fear of being alone is the right answer for me. I got into a relationship with someone that I thought I loved, he told me he had issues, he drank and got violent but not with me..yet. He left, before he “could hurt me” he said. He came back and wanted to start over, when I refused, he got violent and tried to commit suicide in front of me. I made it a point to be strong because I didn’t deserve that. Maybe many people don’t have the resources or strength to walk away but it is possible. I am married and have 3 beautiful children, I would probably be dead if I had stayed with him.

Because that is the kind of relationship they have learned to operate in and they don’t have enough experience in normal, supportive relationships. The thought of what’s involved in leaving may be very scary, compared to what they would have after leaving which is uncertain and vague. So unless there is a major motivator—like getting beat up real bad—it’s often easier to stay in it and deal like always. Sad but true.

Women love a bad boy and men love a sexy bitch. They both do the same thing and that is generate a strong emotional response. And as an addictive society it makes perfect sense. We want the sure quick fix even if it’s toxic rather than the slow and steady growth of a solid relationship.

I don’t know, have wondered this myself. My mother was abused by my father and she left. So I don’t understand why others can’t or say they can’t. To an extent I can understand the fear of repercussion if they leave! Did I spell repercussion right?

Many many people who are victims in abusive relationships are recreating a dynamic with a parent. They subconsciously find someone who triggers their insecurities and unmet needs just as that parent did in a futile attempt to “try to get it right this time”, except that it never works out that way. Usually, a parent who instilled the insecurity also instilled the idea that someone’s worth comes from actions, subservience or any other kind of self-denial. Notice how people who are victims in abusive relationships try to behave and do things to get the other person’s love. Again, that never works.

Adult people who are abused have often been abused for so long that they don’t realize that they have power and agency over themselves and that the abuser is actually the weaker party. Without the “victim”, there’s no abuse.

Volunteering at a Battered Woman’s Shelter has really opened my eyes on this subject. The reasons are varied, but a lot of it comes back to insecurity. Some of it can be learned. If they were from an abusive home, it may seem (not that they enjoy it) normal to the battered person. Some of them truly think it is their fault. That is the one that kills me, every time I hear it. I have had women tell them that is the best they can do; and, women who ask me where are they really supposed to go, they have no money, no credit, no job. Fear is also a big reason. Fear of leaving (he may kill me), and if they leave, what if he finds me, again?(he may kill me)

I see women and children that are broken. They need so much help and have made it to the shelter; yet, about a third, go back. Maybe a little higher. It’s devastating when they do, but it’s almost to the point now, where I can see it coming, a mile away. There is nothing one can say or do to convince the woman that they will be okay, we really can find them the help they need to find a job, housing and other necessities.

Just to be clear, I know there can be battered husbands, too. I realize that the shoe could be on either foot.

Often if a child grows up in a chaotic home, chaos is their normal way of living. Life is not familiar without some sort of madness. Most are aware that something is not quite right, but it usually takes a lot of counseling to figure out exactly what is going on and then even more counseling and hard work to rectify the problem.

Until someone reaches the point where they are aware and want to change, they need a life with some sort of chaos in it. It is sort of like being an adrenaline junkie.

Some manifest the tendency by always running behind schedule, waiting until the last minute to leave for work. It would be too boring to leave with plenty of time. Some need more danger or thrill and find it by living with someone who may hurt them.

I was in a relationship that was emotionally volatile, if not downright abusive. I stayed for at least 3 reasons. 1. I was not sure I would ever be able to afford to care for 3 kids on my own, 2. I was afraid he would kill himself if I left, and 3. I recognized the innate goodness in him, and on some level, I realized he was actually sick.
It turned out that I didn’t have to leave him for him to kill himself. When my children were 4, 6 and 8, I came home from work and found him in the bedroom closet. He had shot himself in the head with a shotgun. I guess I was able to raise 3 kids alone after all.:-(

@Judi – :(

I think a lot of people would rather be in a terrible relationship than not be in a relationship at all. I think some people just need to have that illusion of love, and being complete by being with another person.

@ItalianPrincess1217 This seems to be the scenario in lots of abusive relationships – it especially reflects on a woman’s relationship with her father. Keep your chin up, love. You deserve a prince.

Insecurity made me feel like I needed to stay with him. Maybe a positive relationship tells you that you can leave.

@aprilsimnel
Adult people who are abused have often been abused for so long that they don’t realize that they have power and agency over themselves and that the abuser is actually the weaker party. Without the “victim”, there’s no abuse.

Stated well and to quote my favorite poet Gibran:

“And let him who would lash the offender look unto the spirit of the offended.
And if any of you would punish in the name of righteousness and lay the ax unto the evil tree, let him see to its roots;
And verily he will find the roots of the good and the bad, the fruitful and the fruitless, all entwined together in the silent heart of the earth.”

Not many understand the mind-set of an abused person. First of all, the abuser has worn down the abused to such a degree that they no longer think they have any worth in the outside world. It’s very much like “Stockholm Syndrome” where the abused identifies with the abuser so much, they no longer leave when they have the opportunity. I still think that the greater thing that keeps people (women) in abusive relationships is a lack of money. Most abusers control all finances and in order for a woman to survive, she would have to leave the relationship and fend for herself. However, it’s difficult to find work when you do not believe in yourself enough to find work. It’s a vicious cycle. Often (as someone else mentioned) the abused has shut off ties to family…why? Usually out of shame. For some reason, the abused believes that they are responsible for what is happening….and also, for there is shame brought on by well-meaning friends and family who tell her to “just leave” and can’t even wrap her brain around that. “Just leaving” seems like an impossibility to someone who is just trying to make it through another day. How to help? Stop lecturing and judging an abused person…and contributed with practical help….money, shelter and a good counsellor.Volunteer to help a person with an exit strategy, volunteer to help pack and love them whatever and wherever they are on their journey——they really need that. If you can contribute materially to an abused person, with the above, then do so. But telling a person to “just leave” and getting angry because they won’t/can’t—- won’t work because the complexity of the issues at hand are deeper than most know. (I’ve use “her” because most victims of abuse are women, but it does happen to men, too.)

Financial conciderations, it’s what they were used to when they were growing up or they like the roller-coaster ride.

OH MY GOD IT’S JESSICA ALBA!!!!!