How do you know if it's really the last time you break up?

It’s only the last time when a person changes their behavior. That’s a very hard thing to do sometimes. It’s been my experience that in those situations where the other person is always an option, that neither will be able to move forward while that safety net is in place.

You have to make up your mind that this is the last time. If you’re hoping or even entertaining the thought that it won’t be the last time, then it probably won’t be. It is very hard to break that pattern.

It sounds to me like you’ll know it’s over for good when one of you dies.

You probably keep breaking up for similar reasons, everytime. If it’s the “usual” again this time, there is little doubt you will reunite. It will only be the “last time” when something different, major and unforgivable occurs or one of you becomes disgusted with repeated poor behavior. See ya….wtf

When you decide that it is, no matter what.

@augustlan Until you change your mind.

If only it were that simple, right? Oh I know the cliche’s… but it’s really hard and it makes dating, and life, very difficult.

Thanks for your answers anyway.

Let’s face it….it is difficult to walk away from a comfortable situation despite occasional tensions. All relationships have some tension. Only you can weigh the benefits versus the downsides of your relationship. You provided no specifics of your relationship or your circumstances, such as your ages, quantity and nature of previous relationships, the causes of the tension between you, reasons for this and prior break-ups, etc.. With the information provided, surely you didn’t expect more than cliches, did you? All you presented was a pattern you are both comfortable repeating over and over. I wish you the best on your roller-coaster relationship, at least until one of you gets sick enough of it to jump off well clear of the reentry gate, if that, in fact, should ever happen. See ya….wtf (my initials)

@whatthefluther You’re right, come to think of it. Without more details, one would find it difficult to go into detail or explanation. But perhaps there are people out there who have had similar experiences?

@Zen….Perhaps, and I hope they offer up something encouraging to you. I, however, can not help. I am the type who stayed in failing relationships a bit longer than I perhaps should have, as I viewed break-ups as final and never wanted to take that action without certainty. And I’ve never regretted or second-guessed any of those decisions, even if I went through a subsequent lonely period. And, I have remained close friends with ex-girlfriends because those break-ups were always amicable and the communication was always open and honest. Best of luck See ya….wtf

I have had break-ups and reconciliations in all my relationships. As I’ve gotten older, I have changed my perspective of what is actually a ‘dealbreaker’ for me.

I work with many elderly, and when I see couples who got married before I was born, I ponder what tribulations they have probably faced over the decades and why some couples give up while others tough it out.

After all, we are ALL imperfect humans, and we all will make mistakes. So what makes something unforgivable to me is the intention behind the actions. If the other party apologizes and explains their actions, and I am able to understand that there was no malicious intent, I will give them the benefit of the doubt.

However, if the other party seems unwilling to address the underlying issues that led them to make the mistake, and a pattern develops, it shows that they are not motivated to change in order to stop harming the relationship. If they can not make it a priority, than there is no reason why I should continue to do so.

@hearkat Thanks. There was a lot of insight in your words, and they got me thinking…

@Zen: I hope it helps! If you wish to continue the discussion feel free to send a PM

@hearkat cheers!

I don’t think you do, unless one of the members of the “relationship” makes a conscientious effort to avoid the other.

I’ve done it, and it hurts like hell. But if you know you aren’t good for one another, sometimes it’s the only option.

Le sigh.

* Crawls into a little hole and pulls it in after him *

The first time should be the last time. The instability of “on again, off again” relationships is a waste of time.

I had that same roller coaster ride for 10 years. We would date, one of us break up for a while and always got back together, wheather it was because we cared that much for each other or because we were “safe” together. By “safe” I mean that we knew each other so well, didn’t have to go through the first date stuff, getting to know each other stuff. One time during a break up, I met another guy that I just knew
was right for me. The other guy tried to get back with me and I didn’t do it that time. So that was the end of us getting back together. Almost. I married the second guy, it lasted 5 years and when I divorced, first guy came back and we went out a few months. The same things that made it not work the previous 10 years were still there. We still talk about once a month, but I will never get back with him.

@chyna….Hang in there….“Mr. Right” is still out there for you. And, when you find each other, I know he will be a very fortunate man. See ya….wtf

@whatthefluther Thank you. I certainly hope so.

I think this is a hard question to answer, because only you can know whether or not this is final. Also, when declarations of love are made, they are often proclaimed to be forever. This is unrealistic in any relationship. I’m sorry to burst any bubbles, but more often than not, romantic love is not forever; it is often quite fleeting. Words are just that, and are as fleeting as human emotions. Just because you say something will be forever doesn’t mean it necessarily will last that long.

Anyway, think about why you break up, and ask yourself if it is really worth it to get back together. Is it worth the potential hurt? Do people change? That’s another question. In general, I don’t think people change, and so I will most likely never get back together with an ex, because it will just lead to the same situations, the same problems, the same heartache.

Good luck – and guard your heart.

I’m a believer in “never say never” even though I say it all the time :D So far I’ve never gone backwards to someone I’ve changed feelings for but I see others do it all the time and what works is what works for them. Mostly though, it doesn’t work and most people are lucky to salvage a friendship to build upon.