Should a common-law marriage be celebrated?

It’s up to each couple to decide for themselves. Who am I to judge?

@La_chica_gomela: If the couple wanted to celebrate it, would friends think it was weird or be happy to celebrate it with them?

My friends and family that have anniversaries tend not to throw big parties with large invitation lists. It’s usually a celebration between the couple.

More to the question, I see no reason not to celebrate love.

@The_Compassionate_Heretic: I agree that a simple anniversary should be a celebration between the couple (unless it is like, 50th or 75th! that calls for a large invitation list!), but a common-law marriage is different than an anniversary. Since marriage calls for a party, does common-law marriage warrant one?

If the couple wants to celebrate with friends and family, by all means. If not, maybe they will celebrate privately in their own way.

I didn’t think there were rules for having parties. I think someone can have a party for any reason at all. I WOULD specify “NO GIFTS”.

@GoS: I would be happy to celebrate such an occasion with friends. I also wouldn’t think less of them if they didn’t celebrate it.

“Just realizing” that they’re married is not a cause for celebration, no. Declaring the intent to be together forever, regardless of an ‘official’ ceremony to that effect, is. Whether the declaration of intent occurs at the same time as the state’s pseudo-random timetable for common-law marriage is irrelevant.

For a milestone anniversay I don’t see why not. If a gay couple living in a state that doesn’t recognize their marriage wanted to throw a 25 anniversary, I don’t see any rational reason not to celebrate that anyway.

I would think it was a bit odd, but would be entirely happy to celebrate my friends and their relationship.

I think people can celebrate anything they want. I knew a couple who celebrated their 25th anniversary by buying a new set of china. They invited all their friends and relations to a party at which the main event was smashing the old set in the driveway. I knew a couple that held a party (together) to celebrate their divorce.

People can throw a party any time. What would be wrong with inviting guests to their house for a party without specifying the occasion, and then during the event just announcing briefly that they were marking their change in status? Why would it be the business of anyone else to tell them they could or couldn’t celebrate that?

I don’t see any reason not to celebrate a common-law marriage. If they want to throw a party to celebrate their joy, why not?

The way you phrase your question seems to imply that you think that common-law marriages are somehow lesser and not worthy of celebration. I don’t think that’s the case at all.

Also, I’ve been to parties to celebrate the relationship of gay and lesbian couples, who at that time were unable to get married. Should those celebrations be relegated to second-class status as well, because they aren’t official marriages?

@cwilbur: No, the relationships of gay couples are certainly not second class.

And I didn’t mean to phrase my question to imply anything either way. I meant for it to come across as neutral. Sorry about that! :)

@cwilbur I do see common-law-marriages as “lesser” than celebratory marriages. In my mind, a common-law-marriage is something that just sorta happened, without any intent (and possibly without any knowledge) of those involved. As far as I’m concerned, a marriage is special because you are declaring your intent to be together forever. People who are just living together for X years have not done that.

Now, I know the obvious counter argument that “I don’t need a ceremony to make our promise real”. And that’s all well and good, and I fully support that line of thinking. My point is that a common-law-marriage is the result of NOT making the promise to begin with. If you have promised yourselves to each other, and simply don’t feel the need for the ceremony, more power to you. But the act of promising to each other and the calendar rolling over to some arbitrarily defined-by-the-government date are two completely separate things, and I don’t see a reason to celebrate the latter. If you want to choose that arbitrary date as the date you make it known to others “we’re effectively husband and wife”, that’s fine. But the calendar date alone? No, that’s nothing special.

Put another way – I consider it a cause for celebration if YOU consider yourselves joined for life, not if the government does.

—Common-law marriage? WTF? What if the couple in question didn’t want to marry, for whatever reason? I would be insulted if the government suddenly desided that me and my SO should be married, just to fit in to their picture of what ‘should be’.
And does this apply to anyone living together for x amount of years? What about two friends? Gays? Siblings sharing a place because it’s cheaper?

If a couple chooses not to marry, that should be respected by everyone.—

No, I don’t see that a common-law marriage should be celebrated. Celebrate those dates that MEAN something, celebrate life and love and eachother, NOT a violation by the government.

Sorry, those to first paragrafs should be whispered… It didn’t work…

@Milladyret it’s a very old custom/law, and is very rare. In the US, only 11 states still recognize any such thing.

And no, it doesn’t apply to those groups you mentioned. The most common definition is that the couple involved “present themselves to the world as husband and wife”.

@MrItty
Does the couple even get a notice that they are now married against their will? Or can they refuse?

My SO and I have chosen not to marry (We have been together for four years today, btw), and I’d be insulted and angry if that would happen to us…

@Milladyret I think cohabitating for many years, with the intent of being together forever is pretty much the same level of love as a real marriage. To me, getting married doesn’t mean the couple loves each other more than a couple that is not married, it just means they took a leap into a legal agreement (with that aspect) but yes, I do view a legal marriage as one that is easier to recognize. You usually have to apply for a common law marriage, from my understanding..and present yourself as husband and wife, it doesn’t just happen from getting married.

I do believe if I had friends like that, they would have to present themselves as husband and wife for quite a while before it was considered common law, so it wouldn’t be foreign to me if they had done so for 10 years and wanted to have a little celebration with friends. I can’t imagine introducing a boyfriend as my husband though, unless it was legal….this does not hold true for gay couples, as I view them just as married as I am even if the states do not allow it…but it is true for hetero couples who just start calling themselves married.

I’ve only ever been to a celebration of an anniversary for 50th and 25th, which to me is a great accomplishment. It would have to be a really long time for me to actually think theres something to celebrate, and the common law marriage would have to be done by the books, not just them saying they’re married. Being married and living together are two totally different things.

If they wish it, make it happen, have fun, and enjoy the moment. Should, would, what ifs, what will the Jones’ think..got to get over all that. In the very end we are all alone, so while it lasts as many joyous moments as possible together..as many parties as possible..as many great memories as you can muster..that will be what your life is about..I say go for it!

They can have a celebration for any reason they want. My exboyfriends family had a party every weekend, someone’s birthday, someone’s santo, someone’s wedding anniversary, if you want to throw a party go ahead. And, you can have a commitment ceremony without getting married, it does not have to be a big formal thing, unless you want it to be, but you can certainly say nice things about each other, why you love each other, etc.

will there be hypothetical beer served at this “party”?

@Milladyret From what I gather through anecdotal evidence, the only time it really ever comes into play is for things like divorce (I deserve half of his stuff, we’re common-law married!!) or medical care (I am her husband, now let me make her medical decisions!!), etc. I have absolutely 0 first hand experience to go by.

Yes, any happy occasion is reason for celebration. I’ve even known people who celebrate their divorce, or their fifth year of remission of cancer.

@Milladyret I think common law marriage was developed to protect women. It is similar to a wife being given homestead right to her marital home, even if her spouse did not put her on the deed. This varies in states, but if I remember FL correctly, if a wife lives in the home, and she is not on the deed, and her husband drops dead, and in his will he willed the house to his mistress, the law says tough shit and the wife still has a right to 30% of the home (maybe its more?) and I don’t think she can be forced to move, but I would have to look it up.

I have a relative who in her late 60’s thru early 80’s dated and then lived with her boyfriend (they had known each other since their 20’s, she was a close dear friend of his wife before he was ever married). He was very generous to her, which she many times said she didn’t want. As a child her family had gone from having a lot to having very little, and going “backwards” was something she dreaded. He assured her he would take care of her if he died. He was a lawyer and so was his son (the main character in this story was like an aunt to the son the boys/mans entire life) .

They travelled all over the world with another couple, close friends. When this man died the family gave her nothing. They have millions, for this woman even a $100,000 would be nice. The friend they used to travel with told the son, that his dad had said he wanted to make sure his SO was taken care of had mentioned he was going to change his will. The son didn’t care. They tried to prove common law marriage, but did not have enough evidence. She got screwed. They had had a real love affair late in life and she had cared for him during his more difficult final days. We have no idea if the SO never did the will, or if he trusted his son, and the son buried it somewhere.

Thank you for all your answers!
Quite peculiar law, but I see the point, to protect women who didn’t have ownership of anything in old times.
But isn’t this law now obsolete? Now women have the same rights as men, and women are tought to take care of them selves in life, both in economics and law.

Just curious, as we have nothing of this kind in Norway…

@Milladyret On the Wikipedia page on it, it says it’s pretty much gone in Europe, so that might be why you’ve never heard of it. And apparently the states that do recognize it, it’s only before a certain time, like in Pennsylvania any common law marriage before 2005 is recognized but not after…I think they’re trying to get rid of it, but that’s just a guess.

It’s also a holdover from old British law—if people lived together for a certain amount of time, acting as if they were married, the law treated them as if they were married. This made a great deal of sense when women were more dependent on men and had less power: this prevented the man from getting the milk without buying the cow, as it were. I don’t know if the other European legal traditions have anything similar.

And yes, it’s becoming less and less common. In this day and age when any couple that really wants to can go to a justice of the peace and be married in three days and where women can be self-supporting and single, there’s no reason to automatically presume marriage.

From what I had understood Canadians are getting married less and less, and opting to live together instead. Does anyone know if that is true? I would have guessed that there are laws protecting each party in that situation, but maybe there is just the assumption that at this time in history everyone can take care of themselves? I would have thought that there would be more laws not fewer regarding this topic, since living together outside of marriage is so common now. Wrong again. Any Canadians out there who can correct or verify what I have heard or my assumptions?

The role of marriage in people’s lives is changing. Fifty years ago, it was a protection for women, because in 1959, they were still very dependent on men for financial support. The social model was that a man and a woman got married, and then he supported her while she raised his children and kept his household. If she wanted to work, she could, as long as she worked in certain professions—teacher, nurse, secretary. And even then it was commonplace to fire women when they got pregnant.

Now, between women having more rights on paper and more success and independence in actuality and better birth control options, there aren’t so many reasons to get married early on. The waning of common-law marriage is a recognition of the fact that women have enough power now to either insist on marriage or to live independently—so if they’re in an unmarried relationship, they’re there by choice.

At the same time, the rise of gay marriage is an indicator that marriage really isn’t solely about financial or reproductive security anymore. It’s also about declaring who your family is in a way that the law is forced to recognize—indicating your next of kin in a way that legally binds hospitals, governments, police, and social services.

I suppose that they might commemorate the occasion.
I do not think of a couple as being married until they are wed – common-law be hanged – and I do not approve of cohabitation.