How do you handle a rude friend of a close friend, without damaging relationships?

Well what did you do to her that made you guys not get along?
Maybe you should talk to her in private and hopefuly she won’t be bitchy after you guys talk.Jane should probally have a talk with the bitchy girl with you too so everything can hopefully work out. I’ve been through something like this before and it was a pain…

Jane isn’t willing even to ask her friend, for your sake, “What is it about Figbash that rubs you the wrong way?”

Is is just you that she doesn’t get along with, or are there others? Is it possible she has a medical reason for her behavior?

That’s a tough situation, @figbash! When you talked to Jane about it, did you ask her specifically to ask the other girl to get it under control? What was her response?

If she’s that unwilling to speak to her other friend, and you are fed up with the situation as it is, it seems like your only option is to confront the woman yourself. Saying something like, “Have I done something to offend you?” would be one way to start the conversation while continuing to take the high ground.

@Jeruba: She won’t even do that. After each episode when I try to bring up the conversation about preventing it from happening again, Jane just repeatedly says she doesn’t want to talk about it.

@all: Both Jane and I agree that I’ve never done anything wrong to the friend, and have actually been very cool, even when she’s rude. Also, this person has been known for being bitchy to others (no medical cause, major insecurities perhaps) but goes out of her way to make me uncomfortable.

I’m actually quite frustrated with how Jane is handling this. If I ever had a friend who treated any of my friends that way, I would handle it immediately, and respectfully and tell them it was not acceptable. If they continued to treat my friends badly, I’d be done with them. I wouldn’t put my friend who had been ill-treated back in the hostile place of confronting someone who was aggressive, without reason. Especially if I was the only link between the two.

Your last paragraph pretty much sums up what I was going to say. Have you said this to Jane?

What does Jane see in her that makes her willing to put up with her? Perhaps you need to bypass Jane, and talk to her directly. Take her to lunch, coffee, whatever, and talk it out with her.

It sounds like this could easily become about making Jane choose who’s the better friend. It really calls for putting on the big girl panties and talking to Friendzilla without Jane’s input, or lack thereof.

@figbash: I agree with you that that’s what Jane should be doing, but as you’ve said, she’s not doing that. So, it seems like (from what you’ve said) that your options are
1. Keep dealing with the situation as it is, and doing what you’ve been doing
2. Stop being friends with Jane
3. Talk to her bitchy friend yourself

You’ve already said you don’t want to do option #1 or #2.

@LaChica: You’re right. I guess it does boil down to that when you sort through things.

The point is that I’m not trying to make her choose – Friendzilla has been a good friend to her for a long time and I’m happy for that. But if Jane had dealt with this when it first started popping up, it wouldn’t be this bad and we could have avoided this ridiculous drama I have no patience for.

courtesy can go a long way. just because you two aren’t big fans of eachother certainly doesn’t mean you can’t be civil.

@ABoyNamedBoobs03: That’s kind of the issue. I’ve held up my end and have been really civil, but it continues to deteriorate and is getting pretty bad. I’m kind of done with how much I’m willing to take.

I think you’re asking a question here that you already know the answer to.

Then, @figbash, I think it’s time to invoke the wisdom that you can’t control anyone but yourself. If your dear friend won’t lift a finger on your behalf, even to ask a simple question, and your friend’s friend is completely out of hand, you have to decide whether Jane’s friendship is worth the price of either putting up with this situation indefinitely or confronting the rude friend. No one can make that choice for you.

@figbash – First I don’t know what I like more, your name or your icon.

Second, you do have every right to stand up for yourself at the time she is being rude. There is no reason not to. That may even put your friend in a place to have to back you up. Even if that doesn’t happen, you don’t deserve to be treated that way.

Confront the rude friend when she is rude to you and maybe she will change, maybe your friend or someone else will back you up, maybe she will stop coming.

Courtesy is one thing, but rolling over and playing dead, or actually letting someone treat you badly for no reason for this extended period of time needs to stop. If you want to remain friends with Jane that badly, I would just make sure I was never with Jane when friendzilla was near. Even if that means skipping birthday parties, etc.

So—here are some possible responses (I hope others will add suggestions too):

“Why, Friendzilla, I can’t imagine why you’d say such a thing.”
“It doesn’t make me feel very good to hear you say that.”
“You know, dear, when you use an expression like ‘pond scum’ to me, it really sounds as if you didn’t think very much of me.”
“Jane, would you excuse us please? I think Friendzilla and I have something to say to each other.”
“Actually, Friendzilla, I promised myself that if you made one more remark like that, I wouldn’t let it pass. I’d like you to explain what you mean by that.”

@Jeruba: These are great, and really helpful. Thank you : )

The other trick is the behavior stuff like cutting me off mid-sentence, starting another conversation with someone else when I’m talking, and walking out of the room when I ask her a question. (seriously, this woman is a major bitch…) I just need to stop that stuff in the moment, I guess – even if it is uncomfortable for other people.

@figbash Yes, because she doesn’t seem to care if the things she does is uncomfortable to other people. Jeruba has a great answer.

“Friendzilla! You’re not going to believe it. I was at Chez Expensive at lunch, and I overheard someone discussing who I thought might be you, and when I asked if they were talking about you, they said yes.” (At this point, walk off, and start another conversation.)

I came a little late to the conversation so I don’t know how relevant my idea will be. Just ignore her. I know some people who are friends with my friends who hate me and treat me terribly and I just ignore them. Most of the time, this works. They get the message and we have some unspoken agreement that we will ignore each other.

I hope everything works out. Do tell us when something goes down.

That friend of Jane who’s been nasty to you, is not even worth your time. Just ignore her, I don’t think its even worth even asking her what’s wrong with her, ‘cause shes been doing nasty stuff to you for so many times. As for Jane, I don’t think she’s that a great of a friend if she lets this continue. Because she’s a little nicer than the other one, atleast talk to Jane and give her an ultimatum. Either you go or she goes? Tell Jane how the nasty friend of hers has affected your relationship with her (Jane). And ask her, is it worth it? Haven’t I been a good friend to you? Why are you letting someone hurt me even if shes your friend and not mine? If she doesn’t act on it or do anything about it, I think those two deserve each other.

FWIW, I think Jeruba’s got the right idea here. Don’t let her be rude to you without having to answer for it. Maintain your dignity and the high road, but call her on it.

I like Jeruba’s suggestions. In fact, I was just coming to suggest some of them. A friend told me to do the same thing to my mother-in-law not long ago.

If that doesn’t work and you want to remain friends with Jane anyway, stop trying so hard with the other girl. Just ignore her. Don’t let her think she gets to you or is in any way important to you. Not even a blip on her radar. I’m not saying be rude back to her, just focus on other people at the party and having a nice time yourself. Don’t let her ruin it.

Being the person you have described, she probably feels like she has the upper hand because you are still trying even though she has made it abundantly clear she has no interest in you. I doubt she will like being of no interest to you, though. I’d bet $100 she would find it completely insulting to be on the other side of her own behavior.

Excellent point about turning the tables, @Supacase. So what did you say to your mother-in-law, and what happened when you did it?

@figbash, I don’t think Jane deserves your friendship. Would your life really be so empty without someone who won’t stick by you?

Introduce her to Fluther. We’ll set her straight!

You put them straight! Plain and simple. If your friend cant respect that. That was never a friend to begin with.

Friendzilla is a bully… and everyone around her (so it seems) is willing to be bullied by her

My grandfather used to tell a story in Italian about a guy who has a truck come by and deliver manure to him, he signs the sheet and they dump the ton of manure on the front of his beautiful pristine lawn… when the homeowner goes nuts, the manure delivery guy says to the homeowner, next time, don’t accept delivery

(I know it doesn’t translate well into English) but you get the idea: don’t accept the abusive behavior any more. Like most bulies, if you confront her with her behavior (constructively, in the manner which Jeruba suggested) she will back down
You two may not wind up being best-o-buddies, but I think she’ll be more likely to treat you with respect and dignity from then on out.

You really only have two options, either punch her in the face or kiss her. Nothing is better then a awarkward kiss…ok maybe not…

Thanks for your help everyone. I’ll let you know how it turns out!!

Update: We all attended a mutual social gathering this weekend, and Friendzilla was alarmingly nice to me. She was funny, inclusive and even took the time to introduce me to people I didn’t know. I checked my drink for traces of arsenic, but everything seemed clear.

I remarked to Jane that something was completely different about Friendzilla, and she said that after our last convo, she had spoken with her about her treatment of me. uhm, holy crap Friendzilla apologized for being rude and making people uncomfortable, recognized she was being a bitch, and said she’d stop.

This made me have a newfound respect and appreciation for Jane, as well as Friendzilla – who was willing to listen to her friend, and change her behavior accordingly. We’ll see how this works out, but for now, I’ll take it.

You guys were really, really helpful here and I truly appreciate it.

@figbash – That is great!

You have a good friend their!! Make sure she knows it!

And give her friend the chance now. She may drop the ball. It is hard to change just like that but you can help her to.

Totally awesome. Congrats.

Yay!

Great news, @figbash, and how nice to know that Jane really does value your friendship after all. Whatever happens next, you now know for sure that Friendzilla’s behavior is conscious and deliberate and that she can control it. So it can’t just go back to the way it was.