Should you buy a gift for your boyfriends son when meeting him for the first time?

How old is the boy? I would wait and see 1) how the meeting goes and 2) how the relationship develops.

He may perceive a gift as a form of bribery. I married a man with three sons and it took us years to sort things out.

Mabye something small like candy, but anything you do the first time may create an expectation in the child. Just be relaxed and friendly. Children pick up on our emotions very well.

I think it’d be a nice gesture. If he’s young something simple and basic works fine. If he’s a teenager or older though I wouldn’t, instead just wish him a happy birthday and crack a joke.

He’s 2 years old. Candy is a good idea.

Any experiences dating someone with kid? Pros or cons

I didn’t, but the kiddo was only 2 and the baby-mama was there too so I thought it’d be weird. How old is the little guy? If he is 5ish or younger, I’ll probably just make him really happy. If older, he might think about it a bit more, like “Who the heck is this chick (dude) and why is she (he) pretending to be interested in me?”

I veto the idea of candy. Bad for the little guy’s teeth and unnecessary for the first meeting. I dated my husband before I married him; his sons were 9,12, and 14 and very hostile.

I am dating a guy with kids and he is also dating someone with kids (me). With him the situation is different because his kids are grown, but his daughter said very clearly when she met me that she would be gone if she felt like I was trying to “sell her” on being my friend. I now have really strong relationships with three of his children (he has one daughter I have never met).

My boyfriend has spent a lot of time with my kids to this point, and has yet to give them gifts. My oldest is not his biggest fan (he feels like this guy is trying to take his father’s place) and I’m pretty sure a gift would irritate him and make him think he was trying too hard. Of course my oldest is 10. My youngest son would probably gratefully accept a gift, but like others have said, it might be creating an expectation for the future.

I would suggest not bringing a gift (I also go along with gail’s reasoning about the candy). Two year-old’s are pretty easy to engage, as long as you are warm and kind and don’t make him feel like he is in competition with you for his dad’s attention, you’ll do just fine.

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 Where did you get that it is his birthday? I don’t see that in the question.

Something small would be good. At 2 years old, candy (approved by your boyfriend of course) is a good way to start out on the right foot.

Candy is too controversial, if you ask me, and may create the wrong expectation—candy every time he sees you. How about a small toy (a little car, for example) that you and he could play with together?

At 2, they’re inquisitive. Are you meeting him at your boyfriend’s place, or is he bringing him to yours?

His place n we are going to the park. Anyone date someone with a kid? Any pros or cons? I’m nervous.

A gift is always nice. Just give it because you want to, don’t listen to anybody on this one. I can’t stand political correctness..do what your heart feels.

@chyna haha oops, my bad, had a late night last night.

@ABoyNamedBoobs03 I wasn’t picking on you, but if it was his birthday, my answer would be different. I would not bring a present and since you are going to the park, just play with him. I think he would appreciate attention more than a present.

I agree with chyna in light of my previous misread.

I would take a ball, not a big one, but about 6–8 inches across.

If he’s only two I’d avoid candy and remember, because of his age, he’s not going to remember what you got him. This may eliminate the appearance of bribery.

Given that’s the case, the gift would be really generous, but also makes a statement to the father that you’re reaching out and are also respectful and open to his family. I say go for it if you genuinely feel it, and get something small to bring to the park with you.

Take him out for ice cream, and take him to the playground.

This is not an issue of political correctness but of establishing a relationship with a two-year old. Several used tennis balls will afford him some fun. So will a plastic bucket and shovel (or as we did when we were kids, a saucepan and a large spoon).

If you are going to the park, a ball would be a nice touch.

Children require a lot of constant attention and watching. Be prepared to have most of your interaction be about his son, and not about you.

I wouldn’t. I was glad my (now) husband didn’t when meeting my daughter, for the first time. It wasn’t about the gift, it was about them meeting and just meeting. Not trying to “win” over each other, it was just the first step.

At 2, they don’t need candy. They want someone to play with them. Play with the child at the park, that will be more entertaining than a toy or some type of candy.

Basically no one here has dated someone with a kid? Thanks for the advice Though everyone. I wish people can share their experiences if it mattered or their relationship lasted when the significant other had a kid. I care very deeplyy for this person but idk hwhat to expect.

@missjena: maybe you should ask a question like “What advice can you give me on dating someone with children?” – ? I came here because I have the “kid” point of view. But your bf’s kid is two, so I couldn’t really help. :-/

@missjena – No. I was the parent, my (now) husband dated me. I can tell you as a parent that I was happy he didn’t come in with a gift. Maybe mine was because my daughter was a little older (1st grade) and if something didn’t work out, she would have the gift and remember the person – what if there was something negative attached to those memories? As a parent, I was cautious about introducing her to people and if she met someone, which come to think of it, I only introduced her to my (now) husband, I made sure it wasn’t a newly dating situation.

Oh, wow, cak’s post just reminded me of something completely random from when I was really really small. When I was about 4, my mom was dating this guy for a while, when she found out that he was married (!!!) so she broke it off, and he sent all kind of expensive gifts, roses, expensive perfume, and for me a beautiful carousel horse (the kind you can wind up and it plays music and spins slowly and a matching jewelery box. They’re still in my old room at my mom’s place, and I still adore them, but I had forgotten all about that dude. I guess I learned at a young age you can reject the dude and still keep the goodies. Hahaha. Sorry that’s so tangential, I had just completely forgotten, plus it’s kind of a crazy story, so I felt like I had to share it.

Maybe instead of a gift you can ask the kid what he likes to do, and if he says baseball or the carnival or something make it a date for all 3 of you. Not only would the kid be thrilled that he has something to look forward to and think you are the best but it gives your BF to see your interaction with him and it could be a fun day for all. Just an idea though, I don’t know what level you guys are all at.

If he’s 2 of course you should. Doesn’t have to be anything expensive or fancy. It’s not even relevant that the dad is your boyfriend. I’d buy him a present even if the parent was just a friend or I was visiting and so on. You’ll give the kid happiness, and that has nothing to do with your relationship with the dad.

As for the present, maybe ask the dad first. If you were my gf I wouldn’t like you giving my daughter sweets. But plastecene (which costs less than $1 per pack) or a balloon or some crayons will always do the trick at these ages. If he’s too young to draw then just go with the balloon. As I said, don’t waste money on some expensive and complicated toy he won’t play with.

@missjena I haven’t dated anyone with a child, but I’ve been the son in this situation before. I think a gift would be tacky. A ball would be good.

I’m dating someone with a little girl…when I met her she was two and is now four. I didn’t buy her a gift but I got some things to make crafts that she could help me with. Now she calls me her “best friend at Daddy’s house”. What I learned is that most of the time kids don’t really care about what you get them, it’s the fact that you spend time with them and treat them like a person.

Give the child a PopTart.

@ChazMaz: I wouldn’t give my worst enemy a PopTart. It is filled with artificial ingredients and bears no resemblance to food.

Other choices; blueberries, to be eaten one by one, real peas in a pod, to be shelled and eaten raw, an apple, grapes, sugar snap peas, etamame beans, unsprayed raspberries or strawberries at this time of year.

@mermaidblu if you don’t mind me asking how old r u and the father? Did it bother you at first he had a daughter? How are your weekends since he has a child? Do you have alone time? What are some of the pros n cons of the relationship ?

That reminds me, too, of whether the child splits living with both his mother and father.

@missjena When he and I started dating I was 24 and he was 31 (we’re now 26 &33) I didn’t really bother me that he had a daughter because we had pretty much committed to each other before I met her and I had recently been divorced so the serious relationship didn’t scare me. I also want to have kids so she and I have a lot of fun together. He and I still have alone time because he only sees her every other weekend so we just spend time together during the week if we have time or do things with just the two of us a weekend she’s not visiting.

Pros and cons of the relationship is not always getting to plan too far ahead because you have “make up weekends” to worry about or when her mom wants to keep her for some reason we normally have to deal with it. We broke up for a little while and the thought of not being part of his daughter’s life broke my heart…since we’ve gotten back together time spent with her has more meaning and it’s almost like she was aware of it because she’s started telling me she loves me and giving me a hug before she has to go home (she didn’t do that before we broke up).

Pros are the fact that I get to see what kind of father my boyfriend is and I can make a better judgement on a possible future with him. i look forward to seeing her every other weekend, you have an excuse to watch kids movies lol, and I feel like I always have something to look forward to no matter what’s going on in my life. I also think that it’s strengthened our relationship in ways he and I haven’t had until now…but it can also put a little strain on us…

Do you mind if I ask you why you’re curious?

@mermaid blu – Your answer was just the answer I was looking for. Thank you for the honest and informative answer. I am asking because I am 24 and dating someone who is divorced with a 2 year old kid. He is my age though. I always hear such negative things about dating someone with a kid and i think the ideal situation would be if he gets his son every other weekend instead of every weekend because i can see it possibly interferring if he has the kid every weekend. I am very busy during the week and I feel that the weekends we will need some alone time and I dont know hwo I would get that if it is every weekend.

I feel that since i love children so much thta I might get so attached to his son that if we break up itll break my heart even more. How do u feel about his ex wife and the constant connection?

I don’t know if this helps either of you, but as a separated father of a 4-y-old daughter I can add my own experience: my daughter is the most important thing in my life. Not just on a theoretical/philosophical basis, but on an everyday practical one. Even if she didn’t have the problems she has (which meant I gave up my job to deal with it), I would always put her first and think about her. Imagine I had a gf and we had arranged to go out and my ex called the last moment and told me to take my daughter, I’d take my daughter. I might try and incorporate her in whatever we were doing and keep some balance, but my daughter’s interests would always come first (which may explain why I don’t have a girlfriend). Not sure if this applies to either of the men you’re describing, but their kids will definitely mean a lot to them either way.

Also Mermaid’s bf seems to see his kid far too rarely. (and missjena it’s selfish to wish he doesn’t see his kid as often so that you get more of him, his son needs him more than you do) I don’t know if or how much this bothers him, but it’s certainly not the role I want to play. Of course my case is unique in that I was the main carer before the separation and still live at the family home, whereas my ex was the one that left and can’t take care of children. Usually it’s the other way around.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the constant connection with the ex, because in most cases their relationship can never be fixed, so even if you sometimes feel threatened by her, you shouldn’t. It does however become an issue if you have children with him and he has to share his time, love, and eventually property between your kids and hers. And it may not sound like an issue now, but it has always been an issue with men who made two families (especially if the man is rich). Even worse for all of you if the second marriage also breaks down and he has to share his time, effort and money between two sets of ex wives and children with different mothers. It’s the main reason I don’t want to remarry.

My last gf also had a daughter my daughter’s age, and it was good in the sense that we understood each other. Unfortunately our daughters never accepted each other as sister, and since we had different parenting rules (and also completely different children as a result) the idea of making one family out of two halves never worked. But our own relationship was good while it lasted.

Sometimes you girls will have to be a little more patient and understanding with your boyfriend than normal, and remember not to be antagonistic towards the children or you’ll eventually lose. Once you stop thinking of the child and former wife as a threat, and show a certainty in the relationship (“this guy’s mine no matter what”), you’ll be able to not just offer him the support he needs, but get the most out of your relationship too.

@missjena They were never married but the fact that they can still be civil tells me a lot about how he and I would be able to handle things if we ever had a child and things didn’t work out. I can at least know that it’s not going to feel like a battle every time I have to talk to him about anything going on with our child. He and I actually broke up for a about a month and I think that my feelings for his daughter made the break up harder…I was so attached I loved her like she was my own daughter.

Oh yeah, I don’t see his ex a lot because her step-dad usually drops her off and picks her up, but, when I do see her she is always cordial and nice and I do the same for her and that makes things a lot easier. It can be uncomfortable sometimes because of child support battles (she’s normally wanting more money & he thinks he gives her enough…I’m sure you’ve heard how that goes lol) so the pleasant attitudes toward each other keeps thinks manageable.