How do I motivate my boyfriend to want to experience things with me from traveling to even just going to see a movie?

I’m sorry, @Mr2_jol425. I don’t think you can. You can’t make him want what he doesn’t want. And your wanting is not enough of a reason. I know this man.

Welcome to Fluther just the same.

This could be a sign that it’s time to move on relationship-wise.

He is a great guy and when we are together doing the boring things we always do he is great to me. Takes care of me and makes me laugh but when it comes to going out he will not budge and he does not like the subject even brought up. He doesnt even want to drive to my house. I moved closer to him to make it easier on me. Yet he still wont drive to my house or come over without me having to pick him up and bring him over to my apartment.

@astrochuck sorry I had a typo.

Girl, I feel your pain. I just recently had an argument with my bf about this. I always invite him to do things with me and my friends or family and most of the time he just rather stay home. This puts me on the spot because my friends and family think that he doesn’t like to hang out with them when in reality its just that he’s not a very social butterfly. Anyway, the other day I made it very clear to him that I am getting tired of him not wanting to be involved in any of my social events. If he continues to ignore my needs and doesn’t even make an effort, I WILL BREAK UP WITH HIM! We are a couple, and couples make sacrifices for each other. Thats it!

If he doesn’t even want to try, then you need to move on.

Do the things you want to do. Call your friends and go out. If he is stuck home alone, it might just be the motivation he needs to get up and moving. Also he can see you won’t wait for him, and if not, it will be a chance for you to see if you want to continue a relationship with a couch potato

@AstroChuck was being an ass. Ignore him.

Not wanting to leave the house could be a symptom of depression. Does he tend not to leave the house unless necessary? It might have less to do with being a stubborn, lazy bum than with having an undiagnosed psychiatric illness.

Does he smoke pot? I know when I’m not smoking for a while my motivation goes up, and I am no longer content to sit around watching tv all day

I feel like I’m reading something I could have written a few years ago…right before the dude (read: bf of several years) and I broke up.
Edited to add: He wasn’t depressed and didn’t smoke pot, he was just a lazy bum, who immediately got off his ass and started going out with his friends after we broke up.

The latest experience we had together being outdoors is we would go to happy hour together at a new retaurant which he seemed to be fine with. Once (awhile ago) we went to the movies with friends and he started sweating badly during the movie I took him home. and since than we havent seen a movie. So than I had looked at that as “okay he has an anxiety problem he doesnt like crowds” So, I’ve tried to take small step with him like dinner to being around crowds again…. but I think he has reached his limit. Even his mother says he has never traveled with them as a family or anything. It might be mental. I dont know he will never tell me. But than if it is mental… I want to be there to help him through it…. but if its not how will I know? ask right? yea…......... the boy wont tell me nothing. I just a get “maybe, iono”

There is no way to change (motivate) another person to do what you want. If you aren’t happy with him the way he is, it’s your choice to either do without, do by yourself, or find the person you really deserve. Most men would love to have a girlfriend who will go out of their way to be close to them.

@Mr2_jol425: But you just said if his friends ask, he will go somewhere, “no problem”?

@La_chica_gomela yes he will go with them. you are right. I’m confused I dont know I gues samybe aprt of me wants to think tis mental…. but it is not because yes he will go when his friends ask him not too bars or clubs but over to their house or the store or shopping small things he wont do with me,

If he does have issues, he needs to accept that he needs help, otherwise there is nothing you can do to help.

[mod says] Please remember to save the snark until the question has a few serious answers. Thanks!

@Mr2_jol425: Ah, I see. You can’t change him, and you shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of treatment. It sounds like he doesn’t place a high value on spending time with you, that he takes you for granted, basically.

Maybe he has low self esteem problems?

Perhaps actually sitting down and talking with him. You shouldn’t pen things up in a relationship, it doesn’t do anyone good.

bleh… talks… i guess i just have to do it huh? maybe I just want too much. He does help with bills when I lost my job and helps me with emotional problems that I have. I guess I just have to talk to him. I hope he talks hahha he doesnt talk… so its hard I never know what he really is thinking or he will get annoyed and think i’m just being needy. I guess I would just hate to let go of something that I am convinced can be perfect and forever because I wanted too much of nothing.

@Mr2_jol425 but you’re not being needy!!!! It’s perfectly natural for couples to go out and do stuff together. He is the weird one for not wanting to do things with you. If anything, he’s the needy one for making you go through all this. I think you’re being too easy on him.

@Mr2_jol425: Frankly, he doesn’t sound like relationship material at all, from what you’ve described. He won’t expend a single ounce of energy to spend time with you, and he refuses to communicate about anything substantive. It sounds like he’s putting absolutely zero effort into your relationship.

If it weren’t for the whole “he goes out with his friends” thing, I’d be thinking anxiety issues. However, I’m now thinking relationship issues.

It sounds like you both need some time apart. You to do some things you’ve been missing and him to see that you’re not waiting around. But if you keep doing what he wants and he’s not even talking with you about it… you’re basically letting this behavior work for him so he’ll keep doing it.

I agree with La_chica_gomela. It sounds like you get on so well (doing the boring things you always do) because he is completely passive and you do all the work. All he knows how to say is “no.” It’s not about being sociable and extroverted versus being an introverted homebody. It’s about engaging with you in the natural give and take of a relationship. Whatever it is that’s interfering with his ability to do that, you cannot fix it.

Should I just do what I want to than and leave him behind? Would that help?

@Mr2_jol425: Would it help what? You enjoy your life? Probably. Would it help your dead-end relationship? Maybe, maybe not.

@Mr2_jol425 : After 4 years I can understand how difficult this must be for you. Unfortunately, @La_chica_gomela is right. It doesn’t seem like your bf is putting any effort into this relationship and that can’t be a good thing. I guess you can try talking to him about how you feel about this and make him see that it is a problem. If he doesn’t want to try to at least meet you half way, then you should really consider breaking it off because you’re obviously not completely happy in this relationship. What ever happens, I wish you luck and just remember to be strong, and don’t blame yourself for this. Really, it’s not your fault.

@Mr2_jol425 I would talk to him about your issue first before you just go and dump him. I mean you two have been going out for a long time. Don’t blame yourself, he needs to make time to hang out with you. Hang in there and best luck to you.

Hi Mr2…Welcome to Fluther :)

FWIW, in any relationship, it’s hard to tell what’s actually going on if you don’t communicate openly…especially if there’s a breakdown in normal communication. That aspect of the relationship (communication) is potentially the most important. It may be that you’re simply in another “space” as far as the relationship goes, and you and he need to sync up and resolve your differences as to “where” you see the relationship going.

Be that as it may, in dealing with this “bump” in the road, it’s really important to keep your own feelings in mind, as much as you are in consideration of his feelings. You may be feeling guilt or obligation from your past and his generosity, and although it is something you hold dear, you should remember to live in the present and take the present situation into account for what it is.

If it helps, you can take some time to write down your own thoughts ahead of time, or even craft a letter to him in order to break the ice on the situation; if you let him know you’re open to talk it over face-to-face and that you want a positive outcome, it may be a good bet.

If he has real issues that may be external to your relationship-agoraphobia, depression, or other family/social problems on his part), I think it would be important for you to be sympathetic to what he’s going through, and let him know that you’re a supportive partner who’s willing to help if he is in need. But, as we here know little about the background, only you and he can feel this one out.

In the words of Chris Rock (his stand up, paraphrasing here): ”...You can’t have two people that have different interests in a relationship…it’ll never work! You can’t say to your honey-hey hon, I’m going to church. Okay hon, I’mma hit the [crack] pipe. That relationship ain’t goin’ nowhere! Now, two crackheads will stay together forevah!” <—perhaps that was lost in translation, hopefully you catch my drift…(trying to make a funny).

IAC good luck-it seems you have a lot riding on this…ultimately, the best advice is to make sure you listen to what your heart says, and that you’re your best advocate for it.

@sndfreQ Thank you. I would I totally understand what you are saying. Thank you I really appreciate your input.

Justas a quickie analysis cause I have to run, it sounds to me like he does have anxiety issues – possibly agoraphobia and others. Something is not right. You do have to talk to him about your concerns and see if he is willing to get help. I wouldn’t commit to such a limited life/relationship with someone unless they were aware they had issues and were activiely seeking solutions. I would also spend time going out with friends and continuing to grow your life.

Keep us posted and Welcome to Fluther!

I agree with that if he can go out with friends it doesn’t seem like he is agoraphopic or something similar, but then freaking out in a movie theatre does seem a little strange, will he see a counselor? Does he WANT to be different but feels unable to overcome, or he is really not interetsted at all in the things you want to do? You should start going out with your own friends or by yourself and do what you want to do. Either he will start doing some of it with you because he wants to be with you, or he might be fine with you doing some stuff on your own, or the relationship will deteriarate. I don’t mean you should dissappear every day to do what you want to do, but within reason it should be ok. I sually go with my husband to the race track, something I enjoy because I want to be with him and have developed an appreciation for the sport over time, but I never would have had an interest if he was not my husband, still I do not go every time he goes and it is fine.

Time to move on. Even if he tells you that he needs you and loves you. What good is a relationship where your interests are not connected.

You want to do things. He wants to stay home. Find someone that also wants to do things.
Let him find another couch potato.

Sounds to me like he’s disinterested in you. You shouldn’t settle for that.

I’m with @La_chica_gomela and @Jeruba
I have been with this person – and I left them (married for 4 years, together for 7)
I realize now that I’m with a much much better partner that he, who is truly your patner, will be interested in things and places and times you want to have

Does he have his own interests? My friend has a great marriage, and they separately pursue their different interests, as well as enjoy together their common interests.

For me, sometimes I don’t want to go to chicky movies with my wife, or I don’t want to got to certain parties with her because I know that all they will talk about is work or chicky things. That’s where going separate ways is OK. But if he does not have his own activities at all, then things will be tough for you.

My husband is a homebody and I like to travel, watch movies, go malling or try new restaurants, etc etc. He basically doesn’t like to do anything. Such a bore, really. =P Anyway, I’ve asked him several times to come join me so we could spend quality time and experience new things together. He won’t budge. I got tired asking him. I just kept doing things I like. This bothered him. There came a time when he won’t let me go out. I told him that it doesn’t mean that since he doesn’t want to have a life that I shouldn’t have one too. And if he can’t understand that, then maybe we’re better off on our own. He said that he just always feels tired after working all day ”“under the sun” (he’s an Engineer and is required to be in construction sites most of the time) and would really just want some peace, shade and the air conditioner blasting away. Eventually, we compromised. There are times when he gets to go somewhere with me, there would be moments when we spend time apart and there would be occasions when I get to spend time with him doing nothing. Compromise is the operative word here.

Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend and let him know how you feel and what you had noticed about him. Assure him that you are there for him if he has something on his mind that he would like to talk about.

P.S. My husband used to hate Japanese cuisine. I love it. Now, he’d always be the first to invite me to a Japanese restaurant whenever we plan to have dinner out. Yay!