What does it mean if a guy doesn't call you his girlfriend?

are you two a couple?

You don’t have much of any kind of a relationship if you cannot communicate on a basic issue like this. Without ratting out your friend, say something like this, “I really appreciate your saying the other day that you want to make it work between us. So, let’s clarify what it is. Do you consider me your girlfriend? I am not dating anyone else right now and don’t plan to. Where do you stand on that? I like you, and I want to make it work too so I need a little more clarity.”

maybe he’s just shy

What is his background with relationships and what did he say about the two of you when you first started seeing each other 4 months ago? In my experiences, most people start out cautiously, telling each other they want to go slowly and see what happens which means this: I like you enough to keep going out until I become comfortable with who I learn you really are. Most guys will step up and speak their minds if they decide it’s you they want to be exclusive with and they’ll be interested in hearing what you think of them. If a guy doesn’t get around to this then he’s most likely dating other people at the same time and feels he hasn’t found “the one” to pull out all the stops for.

You need to talk to him about this, no matter how silly it seems.

@cyndihugs: I think that’s what I’m trying to figure out?

@Marina: I don’t think the blanket judgment about the quality of this relationship was really necessary….thanks for the advice, though.

@hungryhungryhortence: I have no idea about his background. He has actively avoided discussing past relationships unless I specifically asked about them and even then he gave me the minimum possible information. We have never had any real conversations about exclusivity. Once I asked if he was seeing anyone else, and he laughed and said, “Of course not!” See why I’m confused?

I guess you guys are right and I have to talk to him. I guess part of me is worried I will sound nuts going from “I think we should stop seeing each other” to “I want to be your girlfriend.”

You are not clueless, his behavior is odd.

I think what you do here is you talk to him and say, “I’m really confused about our relationship (or ‘what we have here’ if you want to be vague). I need to know if you’re interested in having me as your girlfriend and if not, then I think I need some space from you.”

And then he decides.

I hate cowards.

it means you’re not his girlfriend.

It could mean a number of things. He could be shy, he may misunderstand how you feel about him, he could be looking for something different than you are. You should talk to him about it, ask him how he feels, and if how he views your current relationship.

Congrats on 10k lurve Empress!

It took my boyfriend 2 months to call me his girlfriend. When I asked him why, he said it was because he feels like putting the label on things would make breaking up hurt more. In truth, I think it’s because he’s a tiny bit of a commitment-phobe and wants to take the emotional side of things uber slow. Maybe this is the case with your boy. Four months is a little excessive to be in a limbo stage so you should definitely talk to him. What @Marina said is a perfect thing to say. Don’t sound accusatory/angry/worried/depressed/etc. Try to sound like you want an honest conversation, which I assume you do. Bring it up casually though. If you make a big deal out of things “I really need to talk to you,” “I have something important to talk to you about” he will freak out. When you guys are just hanging out, bring it up and then once the discussion is over, if everything is still kosher, just go on hanging out. Please let us know how it turns out!

@KatawaGrey I just don’t get why this is something to ‘freak out about’
people are pretty immature, don’t you think, sometimes?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: I don’t think this issue is something to freak out about, but if my boyfriend called me and said he really needed to talk to me about something important and he sounded any of those things I said before (accusatory/angry/worried/depressed/etc.) I would freak out and probably react defensively to almost anything he said.

@KatawaGrey why?

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: Because 90% of human communication is nonverbal, but is body language and tone. If the tone is negative and the words are vague, of course it’s something to worry about.

@KatawaGrey but not something to immediately get defensive over

@Simone_De_Beauvoir: Well, maybe we’re all not as hyper-rational as you. To the rest of the population, issues in a relationship are things to get worked up over.

@KatawaGrey I’m not hyper-rational…though I would like to be, yes. And I have plenty of issues. I just wonder why for the user’s partner and for your partner it’s difficult to identify the relationship for what it is and to me, that’s immature. I’m glad your boyfriend figured it out. But from your response to the original poster, there are just so many ‘don’t be this and don’t be that’ as if you assume men are hot potatoes incapable of genuine feelings thrown at them

How old are you both? Are his friends dating?

I think it means he doesn’t want to claim you as his girlfriend, plain and simple. If he wanted to be exclusive and say he has a girlfriend, he wouldn’t change the subject when you bring it up. I think you were right to tell him you want different things.

@PandoraBoxx: I am 24 and he is 36. I don’t know much about his friends.

I agree with @BBSDTfamily. Perhaps he wants a “friend with benefits” but doesn’t consider that a girlfriend, because of the commitment to a relationship.

Simple—- it means in his mind you are not his gf. Also means he wants to keep all his options open and is probably on the lookout for others.

36???!! Your description of the situation sounded for all the world like high school shenanigans. ::sigh:: He doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be exclusive, at any rate. If you want exclusivity, I would advise that you let this man go and date other gents.

By not telling him what you want and how you feel, you will give him tacit permission to keep stringing you along. “Ha ha, of course not,” indeed! :(

@aprilsimnel
36?!!
my response exactly

@mostlyclueless I am sorry that you took my post as judgmental. i did not intend it that way. I am merely being factual. You can’t have a good relationship if you are not communicating.

When I see the age differential and his reticence in talking about his background and calling you his girlfriend, it is a real red flag to me. I want to change my suggestion. I think you should ask him if he is married.

@aprilsimnel: I know he is not seeing other people. On top of the fact that I specifically asked him and he said no (and I do trust him), we have interwoven friend-groups and I am sure I would know.

@Marina: He is definitely not married. He is not reticent about discussing his personal background, but he does specifically avoid talking about past relationships. I think perhaps he does not consider it appropriate to talk about that with someone he’s dating.

It sounds like you all are saying that because this man is emotionally unavailable, he must be lying to me or seeing other people. That seems like a big jump to me. He clearly is stupid about relationships but I don’t think that means there must be something malicious going on…

@mostlyclueless – I’m not saying he’s seeing other people, but he sounds like he’s keeping his options open. I’ve been through this before, so that’s my take. YMMV. If you want this man to out-and-out say for everyone to know “You are my girlfriend,” then you might be careful about this guy, because he’s not saying it.

Men who are emotionally unavailable and who don’t talk about past relationships, can be still in love with someone from a past relationship that didn’t work out. I know plenty of guys that this description fits, of all ages And they’re fine with that. Having a girlfriend means making future plans, and in order to do that, they have to be able to relinquish the past. Even though they accept they don’t have a relationship with the person from the past, having that memory is often enough.

@mostlyclueless You asked the question. People have given you their good faith input. It is clear from the way that you are defending his actions that you don’t want to hear the truth.

Let’s say the only issue is that he is emotionally unavailable. Why on earth would you want to have a relationship with someone like that? The thing is you seem to be insistent on it. Therefore, why not just forge ahead?

I personally think you deserve better than someone who has been dating you for four months and cannot even bring himself to say the G word.

Well, ask him face to face…..if he doesn’t respond, just drop him…
he’s not worth anything!!!

@mostlyclueless: I have a friend who had a relationship with an 18 year old friend of mine. He was 36 at the time. He was reticent to call her his girlfriend because of the extreme age difference. Even among close friends such as me and my mom he didn’t know how to act or what to call what he had with this girl. He was worried about how people would judge them, because people do not tend to be so kind about these things. Have you spoken about the age difference to him?