How do you help someone who you "can't help"?

pray for him.

Maybe you could write him a letter urging him to take a look at his recent lifestyle and realize that he’s not acting in his best interests. Suggest he get some therapy. Other than pointing it out to him (in a non-confrontational way), there really isn’t anything you can do. Say your piece, and let him decide what to do with it.

Try to hook him up with someone else and when he’s really into the relationship, offer to be friends.

I agree with @RachelZ and also think you shouldn’t intervene at all. If he is still this upset 8 months later, any attempt you make at helping him could be mistaken as you still caring for him in a loving way and just prolong this downward spiral.

Tell them the truth because you care and they should hear it from someone who cares. Thing is, only that person will dig themselves out or straighten up, sometimes those of us on the periphery give them some incentive and support but they really do call the shots for their own shite.

you don’t?

You can’t.

It’s like trying to help someone who doesn’t want your help.

Yeah… You can’t. Besides, if it was you trying to help him, it probably wouldn’t do any good anyway. You said yourself that you think his current behavior stems from your break-up with him. If you contact him, he’ll probably hope it’s because you want to get back together with him. Once he finds out that’s not why there’s a possibility it’ll make him behave even worse.

You have to understand that you broke up with him for a reason. Don’t even consider being a friend to him until he demonstrates that he’s capable of it, otherwise, as I said, there’s a chance you’ll make it even worse. It’s a crappy situation, but I really think you should let him work things out on his own – even if that means he alienates all of his friends in the meantime. People who hit rock bottom either stay there or realize (on their own) up is the only way to go.

People, when it comes down to it, can only help themselves. At most, you should write the letter or email. Tell him you care about him as a person and you think he and his life are worth more than his actions show that he does. Just make sure he cannot mistake what you say for renewed romantic interest.

Also, for yourself, do not assume you have that much power. Your break-up might have been a catalyst event, but he was probably heading this way anyway.

It is best to focus on your own life.

I once broke up with someone not too long ago (a couple of years ago) and it sent him into an 18 month long depression…He had also just moved area too so was quite alone. He is my brother-in-law’s brother and he is a close friend to my sister so I was partially kept informed as to how he was doing. It was quite upsetting so know that I had done that to someone and I kept wanting to add him on facebook and try to cheer him up…but I was advised not to and I didn’t because I truly believed that I was just inadvertantly do more damage.

I had to trust those that were closer to him and let them take care of him and hope that he would come out the other side. And he has done. Give him time, I’m sure things will work out although I know how difficult it is to just sit back and wait x

Maybe you can talk to him about his dicisions and work everything out but if that doesnt work out then you probally cannot help him.He is making those dicisions and he can only help himself.

Inform him that you’re willing to help but don’t deem it your responsibility unless he requests such. If he’s not willing to seek assistance then no amount of force nor insight will alter his current lifestyle.

Stay away. You will only make things worse. If you want to help, move to another town. Seeing you with someone else is torture and being nice is like rubbing salt in his wounds. Accepting a break up is much easier if he can say, “that bitch, I deserve better anyway.” you are only making it harder for him by trying to “help” him.

My ex went through this and believe me, he had to hit bottom. There was no helping him, no rescue. He had to learn to deal with the pain and realization of the failure of our marriage, his failures and how to move on – but on his own. He had to figure these things out and he also had to learn to ask for help, not to demand it or to wait for someone to clean up his messes.

Something you may need to understand. While it’s admirable that you wan people to always be happy, that’s not always possible. He’s going through something and he needs to work through it. Happiness probably isn’t a factor in this one. He is going through a lot of emotions, and it’s okay when people experience other emotions, besides happiness. It becomes a problem when the person doesn’t move on, doesn’t function; however, with that said, unless he reaches out to someone (and you are probably not the option), he will continue on this same path.

You can inspire others to change their behavior, but not motivate them to do so. Motivation comes from within.

Your breakup probably did not cause his change in behavior…it was already there. Give him, and more importantly yourself, some space. He needs counselling, and you need to move on.