So my bf says he can't be "himself" when I'm around.. what's that about?

If he is not himself, then who the Hell is he? Sounds like a lame excuse to leave you behind, or that he is embarrassed to be around you with his other friends. I don’t know him, but he sounds like a jerk, in my honest opinion.

Of course you should discuss it with him when he gets home. My crude, realist self says that he isn’t so into the relationship as he used to be.

My empathetic, apologist side says that maybe he needs some space.

It’s probably a combination of the two

Lets look at the statement- he cannot be himself around you. This means he feels the need to behave to another standard when you are present.

You need to sit down and have a conversation about this. He does not feel accepted by you as he is.

Well, can you be yourself around him? What does it mean to you, to be yourself around him?

I think you might have a big problem though, if he doesn’t want to take you to social events because of the issue. Has anything like this come up before?
I dunno, but I agree with @evelyns_pet_zebra that this guy may be a jerk.

Definitely discuss this with him. Don’t let him weasel out of discussing it either, because his claim is ridiculous.

Okay, I’ll try to make this brief. He is born and raised in Guatemala so his primary language is Spanish. I am born and raised in California but I speak both languages fluently. When I invite him to do things with my friends he rarely likes to go because he says he doesn’t feel like he fits in. When I go do things with him and his friends he says he feels like i’m not having a good time, which is hardly ever the case. He’s not a jerk, I just think he’s a bit insecure because his English is not that great.

I don’t necessarily think he is being a jerk. He may have just meant that he can relax a bit more when you are not there because as you said, he worries if you are enjoying yourself. It sounds to me like he just wanted to relax with his friends without you there making him worry. I wouldn’t like it at all, but I don’t think he isn’t able to be “himself”.

I would talk to him about it. I would be upset if I were you, it seems that he may view you as a distraction while hanging with his friends. This does seem immature for the length of your relationship.

I think sometimes guys need space to be “guys”. You know, scratch , belch, cuss and act cruder than they would with ladies present. Maybe I’m old fashioned to think they spare us.

You scare off the hotties whose attention he craves.

He’s not ready for a committed relationship by the sound of it.

@escapedone7 I totally understand the whole guys night out thing and I’m cool with it. This event however, was a bonfire with several people attending, male and female. Not a guy thing at all.

@PupnTaco It’s been 3 years. I would say after that long you can call it a committed relationship.

I would like to add to my above answer that what you are describing is totally normal.

All relationships get a bit off track once in a while. We all get used to the daily grind and little things are overlooked or taken for granted- it is only human.

When a statement such as you heard tonight is made it is not meant to be taken offensively- he is letting you know that adjustments need to be made and communications need to be refreshed.

My spouse and I do a re-hash like this every year or two. We talk it out and get to the root of the actions that are causing the problem and then we work on it and it ends up even better than it was before.

The key is to be open and not be hurt when he tries to tell you why he is feeling that way. Try to see it from his point of view with compassion and without tears.

While what he said may have hurt you it would have hurt you even more if he just broke up with you without allowing the relationship to evolve and grow.

@Dog Thank you for your advise. I will sit down with him and try to be understanding. I have been under a lot of stress lately and maybe not the best person to be around with. I love him dearly and I would hate for my lack of communication with him to hurt our relationship. Your advice makes total sense to me and I’m definitely going to try it.

@ChazMaz Fortunately I don’t let your advise affect me in any way. You’re responses are always bitter as if you were a very unhappy person.

No disrespect.

One thing I’d like to add. If these are friends that predate your relationship, it may actually be true that he can’t be himself with them while you’re around. Not the himself you know, but the himself they know. Couples can throw off a group dynamic sometimes.

I am never bitter. That answer in itself tell me volumes about you. Could be you are both just immature.
I was honest and to the point. The truth just hurts sometimes.
Some people cant take it. Want me to lie to you? Sugar coat an answer? What good would that do anyone. Would take two aspirins and forget about it work better for you?
:-)

Understand I have been around the block too many times.

My advise is not meant to affect anyone. That is why it is called advise, make use of it or don’t.

If you think you’re so mature, you should give more mature answers. Maybe then they won’t be removed by fluther moderators.

[mod says] Flame off, folks.

Too bad advice is considered flaming. Like I said, it was not meant to be disrespectful. And, it apparently was general advice. Was not directed to you. It was a suggestion to what the problem might be. Sometimes relationships have problems due to immaturity or individuals having a bad attitude such as being bitchy.

It is not that it was removed. Said nothing bad.
But it apparently upset you. You probably complained and they removed it.
It happens all the time,
I do not take it personal. As should you.

The word Mature is not the right one to use, but then again it might be. If an adult talks to a child like an adult. Though the advice might be good advice, it could be seen as an immature approach since it is a child they are talking to.

I will give you advice that is not so direct, like I said. Did not meant to be disrespectful.

When someone says that they cant be themselves around others there are generally two basic reasons. In your case, either he is afraid you will get too emotional and are to quick to pass judgment. A common problem. It is best to let the other talk, process the information.

Now you might not be one to be quick to judge. If that is the case. Then you need to clearly let him understand in an understanding and compassionate manor. Without using blame, this way he does not need to be afraid to be open with you. At that point, if that is the reason, he as you will need to grow up. Relationships are about growing. All the time.

That sort of thing would hurt me and make me suspicious. I just am not as understanding as a lot of the others who responded. If someone can’t be themselves around me and want to go out socially without me, it would make me think there is something wrong here and it is probably time to consider moving on.

But that is me, bottom line is, you gotta follow your heart (and let your head have some input as well!)

My wife will ask if she should attend events that I have been invited to. She knows I don’t want to be rude to her and I will end up spending the night sitting next to and talking to her. If I go by myself, I will talk with everyone else and catch up with friends. Maybe your bf needs to tell it to you that way. He’s not necessarily chasing the hotties. He just wants conversation with old friends without having to feel like he is snubbing you.
This method has worked well for us for more than 30 years. It also works in both directions.

Sounds as if you and he need to talk things out a bit.

Even though you both speak Spanish, could there be a cultural difference between how each of you views your relationship, being that you are from California and he was raised in Guatemala? Gender roles can be quite different between the two places. Even if you are a Californian of Hispanic descent you may not see relationships the same way he does.

I don’t understand why after 3 years of dating and 2 years of actually living together he would still feel like he can’t be himself around you (then what’s the use of being in a relationship with you?) – unless it’s a lame excuse for something. I would suggest you have a heart to heart talk with him because it would be sad to continue a relationship where your supposed better half is “not there”.