How would you discourage a young man's romantic interest?
I have this friend who is absolutely smitten with me. This is becoming quite a problem because I feel as if I cannot really be friends anymore with him. It’s not that I don’t want to be friends with him, quite the opposite. He’s very interesting, a good guy, interested in many of the same things I am and he works at a gaming store I frequent. Truthfully, though, I do not go there very much anymore and never alone because I am not interested in him. I have a boyfriend, whom this young man knows, and he still makes me uncomfortable with his interest.
Now, the real problem is that his “advances” are not so active as to draw attention and if he hadn’t told me that he thinks I “would make a good girlfriend if things with Bob go south” direct quote I wouldn’t even notice now. However, sometimes he’ll text me with something perfectly normal but then add something like “I miss you” at the end. The other day, after not having seen him or contacted him in any way for more than a month, I saw him again. I figured a month of no contact would shake any crush this young man had and, well, I believe I was mistaken. When my friends and I went to leave, he hugged me a perfectly normal act between two friends and he was reluctant to let go a not so normal act. And he has this way of looking at me, that sort of soft, love-sick look you get when you have a decided romantic interest in someone, even when my boyfriend is around.
To get to my actual question: how can I stop him from liking me in this way? I would very much like to remain friends with him and I do not want to stop going to this gaming store and since he works every day it is open, I can’t simply avoid him by going on his off days. I do not think he would try to do anything sexual and after I made it clear that I am happy with my boyfriend, he never mentioned that he and I should have sex or anything of that nature. It’s just that I don’t want to be always on my guard when around him, which I already do enough.
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23 Answers
You can’t stop him from having feelings for you. But you can stop him from having a chance to act on them.
Coming from a guy who has had feelings for a girl who didn’t return them, don’t try to be friends. It sends a message saying that either something is there between the two of you or that there could be something between the two of you. Stop the friendship and you should stop most of his actions.
He’ll thank you for it later. Or at least not be mad at you for it.
Show him one of your really uncool imperfections.
What don’t you go the direct route and just say what you feel. Don’t try to make him feel bad or anything. Just simply say it bothers you that he looks at you that way. State that you want to remain friends but not if he is going to keep acting this way around you. Maybe this approach will work for you.
@theichibun: I understand where you’re coming from but I don’t want to punish myself because he doesn’t care that I have a boyfriend. I don’t encourage him in anyway (unless you count talking and acknowledging his presence as encouraging him) and I can’t stop going to my gaming stores (he works at one and goes to the other to play sometimes).
@Ailia: I’m not sure the direct approach will work but so far it’s the best I can do. I just hope I’m not too much of a coward to back out at the last moment.
i had a problem like this with a guy i used to work with. i loved being friends with him but he was always making advances and it got old after a year and a half. you just gotta tell him how you feel or else he’ll keep doing it. if you dont wanna do it in person (i dont know how close you are with him), why not say something in a text the next time he messages you? just be forward. he’ll get the hint.
Don’t worry KatawaGrey I’m sure you’ll do fine. I know its hard but once you get through, it will be better. Well hopefully. If the guy is still acting up again then just avoid the gaming store. There are other stores or you could just shop online. GameFly.com is like a netflix for video games.
All right I think I’m working up the courage to do something. The thing is, I could find another a gaming store, but the gaming stores we both go to are where all my friends go and work so I want to avoid abandoning these places as much as possible. I do appreciate the suggestions though. :)
Well have you talked to your friends about this? Maybe they can give you even more suggestions and you could always go to the store he does not work at. Just find out what exact hours he works at the other store then go to the other store during those times. Would that work?
I think I’ll try confronting him first. If that goes over badly, I will make other arrangements (as that would most likely destroy any friendship we had and make things incredibly awkward).
it’s not your fault you’re so frickin awesome! ;)
Let your boyfrielnd have a talk with him.
You can’t fix the interior (how he feels about you), but you can fix the exterior (his behavior).
You don’t have to tell him you don’t like him, or that you don’t love him. All you have to do is discuss his behavior and tell him what is appropriate or not appropriate. Tell him you don’t appreciate it when he adds the little “I miss you” to his notes. Tell him you don’t want to listen to any more “girlfriend” references, the lingering hugs or any other forms of his BEHAVIOR that bother you.
Stay with the visible and observable behaviors and you can avoid the unpleasantness of discussing “lets just be friends” or having to discuss your feelings for him (or lack thereof) and his misguided feelings for you.
Feelings are on the inside and cannot easily be addressed. Stick with the visible and observable behaviors and you will make faster progress.
When I had that problem, I told the guy to either stop making advances or don’t contact me anymore. Never heard from him again. But then again he wasn’t a good friend.
You should be more blunt with him if he’s not getting the message.
I’ve been in this situation before multiple times, but at the other end of it. Only one thing will work: being blunt.Tell him in your own words with no subtlety, that his behavior is unacceptable, and you have no such feelings for him.
If he gives you one of those “just because you don’t feel that way now” responses, give him the “one day you’ll find the perfect girl for you and you and that girl (place emphasis here to assure that the girl is not you) will make each other very happy” response. That little suggestion is a soft let down that will break him softly(if that makes any sense) so he gets the message but doesn’t hate you.
If that doesn’t get him to curb his behavior, you’ll have to be a bit brutal about it.
I’m with @Sarcasm here. And if you don’t have any uncool imperfections then make some up. Really inappropriate racist jokes are a good way turn people off.
You could pick your nose when you see him.
Just tell him that you’re not interested and be mean to him. If I would be interested in someone I would want them to be mean to me because otherwise I’d just be wasting my time.
Don’t try to be friendly, it will just make things worse. Sometimes you need to step on peoples toes when the enter your private zone :)
Explain you only want to be friends and ask him to quit with the subtle and not-so-subtle advances!
I have had a similar situation in the past. I actually had to be completely blunt: “No, we will not get together. Not today, not tomorrow, not in a month, NOT EVER. It is NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.”
If he’s been mooning after you for more than a month, and you’ve done nothing to encourage him and several things to discourage him, he’s not going to change without either finding someone else to moon over or you being quite direct with him.
First, you need to come to grips with the face that you can’t get everything you want here:
You want to still go to the gaming store, you want to still be friends, and you want him to stop mooning over you and acting inappropriately.
The best you can do is get two out of three of those, at least in the short term.
I agree with all the posters who have said that you must be direct. You have tried gentle, and that does not work. You need to tell him clearly how you feel and what you want:
“Crushie, while I have liked you as a friend, I do not have romantic feelings for you. Even if I broke up with Bob, my feelings would not change. Your behavior is making me very uncomfortable.”
“I plan to keep on coming to PowerGame whenever I want. If you won’t or can’t stop coming onto me with messages, looks, and touching, I can’t continue to be your friend.”
Do not chicken out, and do not back down for fear of hurting him. You tried nice, and he is continuing to take advantage of nice.
Have you talked to him about your feelings towards him?
I say you should talk to him and tell him: “It’s either friendship or nothing between us. What do you want?”
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