Do we believe a child is still innocent when they act like they don’t know the difference between reality and fiction? If we were to be absolutely honest about what is fiction and what is reality, would that really change the impact of the story for the child? I don’t think so. You can know Santa Claus is not real and still believe in him. You can know that magic isn’t real and still believe that Harry Potter can commit magic. It’s called suspension of disbelief.
I never felt an urge to protect my children’s innocence with respect to Santa Claus. I never maintained that he was real when they asked. However I acted as if he is real, not because I wanted my kids to maintain innocence, but because I believe that the underlying meaning of the myth of Santa Claus is real. I mean, we provide all kinds of fairy tales to our children, and we tell them they aren’t real, and that doesn’t hurt their impact one bit. The purpose of fairy tales is their underlying meaning, which is true, even if the stories are fiction. I don’t understand the hangup about Santa Claus and when you should admit that he’s fiction to your kids. I truly believe it doesn’t make one bit of difference. It does not destroy one ounce of enjoyment of the holiday.
I place myself into the group of people who provide children the information they want when they ask about it. I don’t believe in lying or prevaricating to protect their “innocence.” They know we’re lying instantly, and the only message they get is that they shouldn’t ask about this topic or that one. It makes Dad uncomfortable, maybe even angry.
Kids are not dumb. They have plenty more avenues to acquire information than their parents. TV, older siblings, the older siblings of friends, the access to hidden information, their own experimentation, etc etc, are all places where kids get information parents can’t control. I’m pretty certain they all know much more about things than we have any idea, and I’m also sure that they conspire to protect our innocence as much as we do theirs.
My kids pretend they don’t know any swear words or never use them when they aren’t in our presence. Well, they used to pretend that. They know exactly what is inappropriate for them to see, and when they are around us, they’ll say that they don’t want to watch this because it’s inappropriate. Is there a parent with a child who hasn’t seen the child cover their eyes and say “yuck” when they see actors kiss in a movie? That’s the kids protecting our innocence. They know we want them to be uncomfortable around this stuff.
Their knowledge of this may not be something they can articulate, but our kids become supreme experts at body language. We don’t have to speak one word for them to get a whole lot of information about a subject. They know what activities we hide, because they see us stop it guiltily when they catch us. They learn really quick that they shouldn’t bring up things related to these behaviors.
I think that when they ask us about stuff, they know they are stepping into hot water. They are testing us to see how we respond. They know that something interesting is there, although they may not know what it is. If we prevaricate, then they learn we can’t be trusted on the topic. If we tell them what they want to know (and not one word more nor less), then I think we can build trusting relationships where they will come to us for everything they want to know. They won’t have to hide anything (well, in the ideal). I think this kind of training starts with how we answer the questions about Santa. Hell, it starts before that, when they begin to suspect the difference between fiction and reality, and they see we don’t even want to admit it exists.