What to do when I have a mental connection with a guy but find aspects of his looks off-putting?

If you’re anything like me and the intellectual connection remains, you will start to find these things attractive – trust me…so give it time, finding someone you can connect to is way more important

you figure out if it matters to you.

to some people it does, to some it doesn’t, nothing wrong either way.

I think the people above have a good point. That a real connection with someone is also part of being attracted but sexual attraction is important too – it’s not just a superficial thing.

Yeah, I wouldn’t beat yourself up either way, whatever you decide. The word “superficial” is really negative.

Why don’t you tell him you would like him if he would cut his hairs and take a bath? Or give him a bottle of cologne and some scissors…and then jump his bones.

@Zendo as a very sweaty man, I can tell you that bathing doesn’t do much to make you not sweat. Unless I’m doing it very, very wrong.

@Sarcasm lol

@monsoon I concur. I think the word “superficial” has too large of a negative connotation to accurately describe what you’re feeling.

I dont think anyone wants to be with someone they are not attracted to, just as I dont think anyone wants to be with someone whom they share no intellectual/mental connection with. If one matters more or less that’s one thing – but if you just want a happy balance that’s another.

If it’s something you think you can just bite the bullet on – keep it up for awhile and see if you can really look past what you see. If you can’t, perhaps he would make a better friend than a boyfriend?

If you still feel superficial or shallow try looking at it this way – wouldn’t you want your partner to find you attractive on all aspects levels? If your partner wasn’t attracted to you and it started to show, wouldn’t that bother you and make you feel unappreciated? Feel free to disagree but I think you’re only being honest to yourself.

Yes, not everyone of the gender(s) you prefer to sleep with are going to be people you’re going to sleep with. There’s a lot of good to be said for being able to gravitate to someone who becomes a good friend. That’s rare, too. It’s all right to just get acquainted for now.

Overcoming a lifelong brainwashing (led by absurdly thin models, cover up products, and twisted social protocols) isn’t going to happen over-night. But if you end up loving this dude for real you will become blind to such things.

be true to yourself. stay his friend. if your’e not physically attracted, it’s out the window.

Ya don’t.

That is where love bridges the gap.

As the saying goes, love is blind.

Why not just be friends with the guy? Find another non-sweaty man to have as a partner.

In time, if you do get to liking and really connecting with him, things you once found unattractive won’t bother you anymore.

If you believe in it (it’s a softer theory), Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love says you need it all three to have a fulfilling relationship. Commitment, emotional intimacy, and physical passion.

So the options are:

1. You’re not attracted to him, but over time you may overlook those things and find him more attractive,
2. You’re not attracted to him, but you stay with him anyway and have what Sternberg would call “Companionate” love. In my opinion, the second best after “Consumate” (all three), or
3. You’re not attracted to him, so you remain friends, or even aren’t friends any more, and you date one of the other 3 billion+ men in the world.

I don’t know about you but I like to lay out my options.

Do you have to be physically attracted to him? Why can’t you define the relationship you want with him, rather than trying to fit it into standardized social categories? As long as you are communicating with him, and telling him how you see it, and finding out how he sees it, and negotiating a relationship you both find salutary, it’s fine.

You may not be able to agree, as he may want more than you do, and then, if the stress is too much, you have to release the relationship. Just be honest with him as well as with yourself. You feel what you feel. You don’t have to force yourself to feel anything else.

While the words “I just want to be friends” signal the death-knell for many a relationship, some relationships can handle that. Besides which, how do you know he wants anything more than a friendship?

just let things happen. perhaps as you get closer in terms of mental connections, etc, you’ll start to find him more attractive. or maybe not. maybe you’ll just be friends. don’t try to rush to pin a label on your relationship with him, and don’t beat yourself up for not being completely attracted to him because of some physical factors. just see what happens. (:

I think that if you don’t find his appearance attractive than that’s a sign of your sub-conscious giving you the red light.
Maybe, deep down, there’s something about him that you don’t like.
Time to go soul searching, sister!
(Try sayin that five time fast!)