16 year olds and stepfathers "problems"?

Your kid comes before your fiancee. Period. He clearly has special needs and you have to be there for him. If your fiance is hurting your son, why the hell are you with him? DUMP HIM!!!

sounds like your fiance needs to lay off. talk to him. if he won’t give respect to your son, he can hardly expect to get it in return.

edit: especially if he has learning disabilities. your son’s education is your business. if you know he’s doing the best he can do and your fiance thinks it’s his right to be a douchebag to your kid because your he’s not meeting his standards? let him know it’s not.

I don’t want to sound judgmental, but you are your son’s biggest ally and it is imperative that you stand up for him and stop your fiancee’ from treating the boy this way. Like it or not this guy is going to have to earn your man’s trust, that is not going to happen with their conversations turning into “all out war.” @Quagmire is right, your son comes before the guy – always. It is incumbent upon you to take your son’s side and it is incumbent upon your fiancee’ to support you as a parent and not go at it with your son.

Maybe you should confront him instead of your son having to do it himself.

Your fiancee should never be involved in disciplining your son. That is your job and the boy’s father’s job alone.

This sounds like a disastrous way to go into a marriage.

Run, don’t walk, to family counseling if you cannot get yourself to break it off with this man.

What man calls a 16-year-old names? That is appalling.

He sounds bullying and controlling.

Consider what Dr. Phil has to say on this issue:

“It’s my strong belief that unless you as the stepparent are added to the family when the children are very young, it will most likely be very difficult for you to discipline your spouse’s children.

In relating to all the children, the stepparent should seek to define his or her relationship as that of an ally and supporter.

The stepmother or -father should actively support the chid’s relationship with the biological mother or father no longer in the home. If you are in the role of stepfather, you should make it a priority to nurture a relationship between you and the biological father and to find every possible way you can to support a relationship between him and his children.

If you as a biological parent are having frustrations with the stepparent and what they’re doing in relation to your children, I encourage you at a very early point to stop complaining and start specifically asking for what you want and need.”

And I think if your fiancee were any good he would have interacted better with the boy for YOUR sake. But he didn’t.

I gotta tell ya…it doesn’t say too much that you would EVER let this guy hurt your flesh and blood.

Your fiancee sounds like an asshole to do/say what he does/says to your son. I don’t blame the boy for being pissed off. You need to set your fiancee straight about boundaries and respect.

As I have said before, raising teenagers is the most ghastly experience in life.
It’s like dogs and cats.
When you come home from work, the dog greets you at the door, excited you’re home.
A dog comes when it is called.
A dog plays with you when you want to play.
Feed a dog, it will eat.
Dogs think you are the smartest, most wonderful person, and they love to show you their affection.

When you come home from work, the cat doesn’t care.
Call a cat, the cat ignores you.
Try to play with a cat, and it ignores you, till it gets angry and snaps at you.
Try to feed a cat, and it may or may not eat. It often just ignores you.
Cats think you don’t know anything. They think it’s best if they pretend you aren’t there.
Cats figure you are at best an incovenience. If they choose to show you any affection, it is probably only for their own personal gain.

Children are born dogs. When they turn 13 or 14, they suddenly turn into cats. They stay cats for 5 or so years, then fade into a middle ground between dog and cat behavior. They never fully become dogs again.

I never realized how frustraiting, painful, difficult, and demoralizing being a parent would be. And I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I’m 16. I do, most of the time, get in some fights with my real dad (he’s the only dad I have.) First of all, I have to say that this fiancee is being disrespectful to your son for calling him names…and your son is just defending himself. My dad calls me a bitch(asshole) every once in a while, and I reply back with the same attitude. But in this case, I think your son has more liberty to replying back at someone that is not of his own blood. Your fiancee should learn how to respect your son’s decisions and feelings at the moment and by yelling, screaming, and calling him names is not going to take him anywhere…

Please think long and hard before you marry this man. If your son has learning disabilities, being with this man may set your son’s disabilities back even further. No one should have to live in a home where they are yelled at, called names and generally disrespected. Put yourself in your son’s place. How would you have felt at 16 if you were treated this way? Do you try to stop this from going on or do you just let it happen in front of you?

First of all, your fiance is NOT your son’s “stepfather”. That you are already embuing him with that much authority over your son speaks to the problem. Your son comes first. Without question. NO ONE has the right to insult, demean, call names, or in any other way hurt your son. YOU need to be speaking up for him, and shouting down your boyfriend. If your fiance can’t accept what it means to have a potential step-son, he is NOT someone worthy to the post.

I’m 15 and I have the same problem’s basically my parent’s got divorced when I was in 5th grade me, my twin sister and my brother never see our father. My soon to be step dad is the same was to my brother, he yells at him all the time when he get’s drunk and argues about how my brother doesnt have a job, I always get into the fight even if I shouldn’t be involved. The other day my mom goes “Julie go get your fathers shoes” I start flipping out I’m like ” HE WILL NEVER BE MY FATHER ” But your question to what are most 16 year old’s like? Your son is acting the way they should act. By the way is your husband ever yells at your son just tell him to leave the house it will calm him and everyone down that’s what my Dad use to do.

Your son will always love his father more then his step dad, if he defends his father let him.
(sorry if it doesn’t answer anything but thats just a little bit of my experience)

When I married my wife, I told her I did not want to be a stepfather to her daughter; I wanted to be a 2nd father to her. She was only 5 years old, and it took a lot to build the kind of relationship we had. I can’t imagine doing it with a 16 year old. Good luck, and may God be with you.

You KNOW when your son’s 18 your fiance will throw him out of the house (if they don’t come to blows sooner).

@chell btw, welcome to Fluther. Lurve.
@Quagmire You know thats not necessarily true. My sister remarried, and recently threw her 20 year old daughter out when she found out she was still abusing drugs, and now pregnant. Her step-father urged my sister to reconsider, and brought her daughter home. It’s a mess, but please don’t dismiss a step-fathers feelings on his wife’s family.

Er, but the stepfather in your story wasn’t doing to the girl what the stepfather in THIS story is doing to the boy.

Which was arguing with the teen? That doesn’t happen in most families?

Arguing with the teen? The guy is saying a lot of hurtful things to a special needs child and he isn’t even family yet. No, that doesn’t happen in healthy families.

@filmfann I would not allow this particular situation to happen in my family. She has only been divorced 2 years, and brings in a guy that is yelling at her special needs son. The son probably hasn’t even reconcilled himself to the divorce yet. I think the number one priority now is not herself, but to set her house in order and that means to make sure her children are safe, secure and happy.

What is the child’s special needs? Is it ADHD? Depression from the divorce? PTSD? I don’t think we can start by assuming the teen isn’t just going thru a tough patch.
It’s not like he is slapping the kid around.

@filmfann Seriously? It’s okay to yell and call someone’s kid names, but you will draw the line at slapping?

@filmfann abuse is abuse, whether verbal or physical.

She isn’t saying he is calling the kid names. She said he hurts his feelings.
Have you experienced the joy of raising a teenager?

@filmfann

I think the point is that the kid has learning disabilities and the fiancee accuses the kid of being lazy and not wanting to learn. That’s what it says in the post, at least. I assume people are reading it.

@filmfann No I have not raised a teenager, but I do have several nieces and nephews. “All out war” as she puts it is not the way to come into people’s lives and I don’t have to have kids to know that.

@DominicX The post says he thinks the kid is lazy, not that he accuses the kid of it.

@filmfann

I assumed that was implied by the fact that the fiancee hurts the kid’s feelings.

I think if the poster is serious about this question, she will provide more information.

talk about splitting hairs.

When you are dealing with teens, it is not splitting hairs. To them, it is a valley.

Tell your fiance to act like an adult.

He needs to give your son a lot more respect if he expects any in return. You may see great things in our fiance, but he is the new face in the relationship between you and your son. Your son didn’t choose that your fiance would be around all the time and available to put pressure on your son.

I am guessing that your fiance has good intentions and just wants to “Man him up a bit” as Clint would say, but..

your fiances needs to lighten WAY UP until he has been around a while and earned the right to express these negative opinions.

I would put the engagement on hold till your son is an adult and spend time nurturing your son to adulthood.

Your son needs you. Your fiancee only wants you and is trying to bully your son out of your life so he can have you to himself.

My son used to go on long bicycle rides when he got angry. This was before the days of cell phones, so I would get very worried, but he needed the exercise and the time alone.

I have raised two sons and three grandsons, and I can assure you, it is never easy. I would suggest that you not allow your fiancee to act like that toward your son. I suggest he (and maybe you) could use some parenting classes. See if there is a family counselor in your area that has classes for you.

@chell I am trying very hard not to be judgemental here, so bare with me. You had a post yesterday about your fiance wanting an open relationship and actually called you a “freak at heart”. This man does not sound as if he has your best interests or your children’s best interests at heart. To have open relationships with kids in the picture should put up a red flag as big as Texas.

@chyna – here, here! @chell Chyna speaks the truth, please give what she (and everyone else in this thread) has said some very serious thought.

after reading what @chyna wrote, surely there is a better man out there than this person.

My Dad and stepmom brought 9 children ages 7–21 into one family when they married 40 years ago. It was strictly you deal with yous and I’ll deal with mine and there were never any step parent problems. On the contrary, when my natural siblings and I needed to talk to Dad about something Mom was a good person to counsel us.

@chell You had the open marriage question yesterday? Combined with this, I have to ask if you have Jerry Springer performing the marriage ceremony!

@chell I am a newly divorced woman with three young sons. I am dating a man and have made it perfectly clear to him that my boys come first no matter what. He has stated without reservation that discipline of my kids is left to the ex and me. Of course I respect him and his parenting skills (he has four grown children), I request his input on parenting decisions, and we discuss these types of things. However, we both agree that the final answer comes from the boys’ father and and me. He has no place, nor does he have any interest in going at it with any of my kids.

The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce was a very eye-opening read for me and I would recommend it to anyone with children who is divorcing. It does have some sobering information, but serves as an excellent road map for post-divorce relationships and parenting.

The only phrase that springs to mind when reading this entire thread is “inappropriate boundaries” If you don’t have a clue as to what is meant by that phrase or why I am saying it, you really need to see a family therapist and decide whether you need to postpone this marriage for a year or two until you get a better handle on the entire situation.

If you really love this guy (which I presume you do or you wouldn’t be engaged to him) and if that is true love and not just infatuation, waiting awhile and seeing a therapist won’t change that. Once you get your head clear, then you are in a much better position to make life-altering decisions.

To those of you owho have posted thank you. As for the disabilities my son has they are add, dyslexia, depression/some before the divorece but more so sence and other learning disabilities. And yes he has called him lazy to his face. He says if he is head of this house “we live together” that it is his way. that he sets the rules.

he also says that i don ‘t do enough as a parent to disipline my kids. that i let them get away with everything which i don’t i just don’ t harp on small things i talk to them about them

@chell What do you want? How do you want the rest of your life to go? Is this how you want to see yourself in 10 years, as someone who is told what to do and how to do it?

@chell does this fellow have children of his own? What qualifies him to critique your parenting skills? Do you bring anything to the household? I mean money, cleaning, cooking, shopping, laundry. If you do he is by no means head of household, he has some serious issues to work through before you can make this relationship work for you and your kids.

yes he has kids but has never been there when they were teens. always divorced and with his only son he didn’t see him for several years because of some issues. all during his teen years. he lets his girls get away with everything when they are here they are 8 and 12 and the 12 year old is trouble. but he says it is because he never really gets to see them that he feels he shouldn’t really disipline them much..i dont’ agree

@chell I don’t get why you would stay with a person who acts like that

“He says if he is head of this house “we live together” that it is his way. that he sets the rules.”
Get rid of this guy, seriously

Stand up for your son! I don’t let my husband, my son’s biological father, talk down to him. That is considered verbal abuse.

super mouse: no i don’t work outside the home. he recently lost his job in the oil field and we had to move he now works for a department store makeing much much less..i am looking for a job but small town not much here.. but i do do all the cooking cleaning except what the kids r expected to do i fix his plate at every meal..i actually lay out his clothes for him when he goes to work. he says i treat him better than anyone ever has but the way he acts he doesn’t really appreciate it much to me. it hurts me alot

Please find someone else. I hate seeing people in toxic relationships

@chell Then get out of this relationship! You and your children deserve better. Living alone is better than living with him.

he says i treat him better than anyone ever has but the way he acts he doesn’t really appreciate it much to me. it hurts me alot
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Have you ever heard the old truism that: “Actions speak louder than words”

Why would you continue to live with someone who hurts you a lot and also hurts your son?

Is it because it would be financially difficult to leave? If so, you are paying far too heavy a price in terms of self -esteem and peace of mind.

The issue really isn’t as much about stepparent and sons as it is about why you allow this person to bully you. Obviously, his track record with his own kids and past relationships isn’t that stellar. What makes you think anything has changed or that he has learned anything from it?

If anything, it’s much worse now that he is frustrated about having to take a lesser job so you and your son are handy targets as verbal punching bags for him to vent his anger on.

Don’t you deserve better than that?

@chell This may sound harsh, but I promise it is coming from a place of concern. Get out of there and get away from him. Definitely do not live with him and let him be the “head of the household.”

It sounds like he is controlling and verbally abusing you and causing you to doubt yourself. Your self-esteem is naturally going to take a hit when your SO treats you and talks to you like that. When he has you in that position, he is more easily able to put your son in that position because you do not feel you can stand up to him or stand up for your son.

I know it is hard to remove yourself from a situation like this and he will try to make you feel guilty about trying, but you need to do this for yourself and for your son. Your son needs to know you love him and are his biggest advocate.

@chell I have just one more suggestion that is more on a practical level. I realize that money is tight for you now, but there are more resources than you may realize for people of limited means to find affordable counseling, particularly recently divorced women trying to put their lives back together.

Is there a womens center somewhere in your town or county? If you have no luck with the phone book or internet, you may get some recommendations from the folks at Planned Parenthood .That may sound a little strange at first but there are many there who tend to have more knowledge about resources for women in general, regardless of whether or not it involves birth control issues.

Even if it’s only group therapy or something rather than one on one, I think it would be tremendously helpful for you to connect with other women in real life who can give you some objective feedback. You really do need to get in touch with what YOUR priorities are and what you want the rest of your life to be like for you and your son.

Folks like us on the internet can only give the best advice we can from whatever little bits of info you give. It would also be helpful if you had one or more level headed resources right there where you live to give you honest feedback and thought provoking questions so that you can get in touch with you. Does that make sense to you?

Obviously your marriage ended very traumatically for you with him cheating on you. But there are lessons there for you if you open yourself up to learn them. Or else you run the risk of the same pattern going on because you attract the kind of guy who who will do that.

I know that sounds a bit like blaming the victim, but that’s not it at all. I am talking about things on a sub-conscious level here. Guys like this tend to be attracted to women whom they think they can manipulate and control. If a woman has a healthy self-esteem, knows how to set appropriate boundaries because she knows her own mind ,it sends guys like that running in the opposite direction. And, that’s exactly what you want them to do.

This clears the way for a man who will love you and cherish you as his equal partner and love not just in word, but in deed and in truth. Isn’t that what you deserve?

I sense that you don’t as yet have the strength to break away from the guy you are currently with even tho you recognize the truth of what many people in this thread have said to you, so I’m not going to say anymore on that.

But, for your son’s sake and your own, please do an earnest search for some type of therapy or peer counseling or whatever is available for you locally so that you can get in touch with you. It may take a little while, but I guarantee you will never regret it.

I agree with all of the other contributors that this man does not sound as if he wants to be a partner in building a marriage. He basically wants everything to go his way whether he actually knows the best way or not. Since he is also the man you wrote about in the open relationship question, it seems to me that he is not a good choice as a husband.

I married a man with a teenager, and I made a very strict point of never being anything but civil to the boy. My husband and I also agreed before marriage that both money and discipline would come only from my husband, although sometimes he would ask my opinion before applying either.

Teenagers may not be the easiest people to live with, and teenagers with special needs can be even more challenging. I have two teens at home right now, one is an active over-achiever and the other is ADHD, ODD and Bipolar, and behind in his studies. Both can be frustrating to deal with, but I am the grown up and it is my job to keep things civil, even if I am taking the car keys away.

Your fiancee sounds as if he has never really matured himself. He appears from how you describe him to be impulsive, self-centered, and not willing to meet you half way. There may be a very good reason why his previous wives raised his children without much input from him.

As others have said, find a support group, a therapist, or a women’s center, where you can get some insight into what makes this guy tick and why you are attracted to him when he doesn’t seem to have your best interests or happiness in mind.

I, too, am very concerned about your relationship with this man. I would pay attention to what @Buttonstc has to say.

I’m just guessing here, but it sounds like you do not feel like you have many options. You don’t have a job and you have several kids, so you feel like if you don’t have this man in your life, providing for you, you don’t know what will happen. Maybe even homelessness. This is, it goes without saying, a horrible situation to be in.

Many women have been in that situation before, and they can get help, if you do the things @Buttonstc suggested. From your profile, you said you are living in your home town. If you have family there, perhaps they might help, although I’m guessing they have their own problems, and you would be reluctant to ask them. You do say they are wonderful, however, so that could be a source of support.

It also sounds like it’s a poor town, and there aren’t a lot of opportunities for work. We also don’t know how much education you have or what you are qualified for. Also, I wonder if you’ve been pushed around because of Katrina?

All in all, it sounds like you are at a real low point. We can suggest counseling, but we don’t know if you have health insurance, so paying for counseling could be what’s keeping you from it. You may also not have any good counselors within a decent distance, and may also be afraid if people in your community know you are seeing someone in the mental health field. I’m just shooting in the dark here, without information. But these are all things that have kept other women in bad situations.

I don’t know in what order you should do things. Maybe get a job, first. Preferably one with health insurance. Or maybe move in with your family first. I think you would benefit from some distance from your fiance. You may love him a lot, but is that coming from need? It feels like you don’t think you have any power. I’m also not sure about his stability—personality-wise. Again, I’m working with no information, but it sounds to me that there might be more issues with him than you have told us about.

I’d ask fluther a question about how to start becoming self sufficient in your situation. Provide as many details of your life as you can—education, job history, family support, economic opportunity in your area, availability of women’s support programs, whether there even is Planned Parenthood in your state or any surrounding states.

There’s one in Baton Rouge:

LOUISIANA

Planned Parenthood of Louisiana and the Mississippi Delta
3955 Government Street, Suite 2
Baton Rouge, LA 70806
P: 225–387-1167
F: 225–344-7215

Here’s a website with contact information for all kinds of family support programs in your area. It lists an ADD organization, help for mental health, drug and alcohol issues, and “Families supporting families.”

Families Helping Families in Louisiana (Don’t know if this link works; I couldn’t get to the page with it).

1–800-894–6558

Enables and empowers Louisiana families of individuals with special needs (physical, mental, emotional, academic) through an effective coordinated network of resources, support, and services.

Anyway, get support. Learn your options. Then you can get space to figure out what you want and need. Be very careful about your fiance. I think you know this, but had no idea what to do about it. I wish you the very best of luck.