What Do you do when your friends who have been your friends for years aren't there when you need them the most?

People are frightened by distress and illness. They sometimes defend against it by pretending that it isn’t really happening, or that it’s OK to joke about it. Your situation is a common one. There are probably some people you can depend on in your life when things go wrong, the others you just have to take on their own terms, and see them when things are jolly.

Unfortunately, I learned the hard way who my true friends were, when I was dealing with cancer. I can honestly say that the situation took care of itself – one I wound up confronting, the other two, they just never contacted me. I heard through others that they were too embarrassed to contact me, because of their behavior. This happened after I lost my hair for the first time. The one that I wound up confronting, later on down the line, could no longer stand to be around me.

Seeing me sick made her feel sick. That was the graceful way she told me – then, she left my house and didn’t return, until she heard I was doing better. She showed up on my doorstep, bottle of wine in hand, greeted (for lack of a better term) by my husband. He didn’t want her to come in. He was so angry with her still, he was afraid it would cause me pain, all over again. She came in, we talked – she had never seen someone so sick before. It scared the hell out of her and really, she freaked out. I told her that I was hurt, but I understood; however, I also told her I had moved past that point. We still talk, but things aren’t the same. I guess part of me can’t understand why she dumped the entire family – not just me. She was close to my children and after that happened, she didn’t really contact them anymore. That wasn’t okay, in my book.

The one that made a joke about it, really might have been looking for a way to handle the situation. She really might not have realized that her tone offended you. In that situation, I might be more apt let that one go – just move on in your friendship. She may bring it up and if she does, let her know it caught you off-guard, but don’t make a huge deal about it – thing is, most people don’t handle these things very well.

The other friend. Well – that’s the tricky one. You could be really passive-aggressive about it, leave a message and let her know, “by the way – he’s fine – thanks for calling.” That might trigger a response, but it’s hostile. To me, it may be a sign that you guys really aren’t on the same page, anymore. Maybe it’s time to rethink the friendship.

@pdworkin You are totally right about my one friend joking, but my other friend, that’s what i really need advice on. she totally abandoned me! ya know?

My finacee has been blind from birth, and believe it or not there are “friends” in my life who don’t want to be social with her. I really feel it stems from fear. Fear of blindness is part of our culture, and it is not well-understood. People imagine total darkness, and caves, and death, and inability to perform normative functions. The fact is, of course, that to her, blindness is a mere inconvenience, and she is a very accomplished woman, so we try to educate the people who may be able to learn, and forgive the ones who are too frightened to take the time to get to know her.

@pdworkin your fiancé is a very brave and strong woman, I should try harder to be like her!!

Friends will run out the door when disaster strikes, true friends will run in. I have discovered my real friends. The rest, well, they aren’t friends anymore, they are people I just happen to know. When real friends need a hand and call me, I’ll be there. When the others call and need a hand, I’ll be there, if I’m not doing something more important, like taking a nap or washing the bugs off my truck bumper.

Life is about choices, your results may vary.

@pdworkin I gave you a GA, because I have known people like your fiancee, people with phsical or even developmental disorders and some of them were some of my dearest friends. One lady, who had Down Syndrome, was one of the most incredible people I’d ever met, and when she passed away, I cried as if I had lost a close relative. I will never forget Fay, she was just plain awesome.

After a couple of experiences like that in my life, I discovered my family are my real friends, and I don’t need anyone else.

@cak My “other friend” is the one I’m more upset about it, she has always been there for me like I have for her. I guess that’s the hardest part. when I called her she couldn’t leave her bar stool in the loud bar to talk to her crying desperate friend and then informed me that she was sober so I know she remembers the conversation. I do not handle confrontation very well which is why I need so much advice on how to handle this, so calling her might not be the best for me….. but I can’t let this fester so maybe I just need courage to say something to her.

Thanks @KendraW, but she wouldn’t agree with you – she skis, she sails, she rides horseback, she has a Master’s Degree from Columbia, she thinks all of that is merely normative. For her the courage of blind people is that they face ignorance and prejudice every day: Theer’s nothing particularly special about a blind man who can climb a mountain, or water ski. The special ones are the ones who are fully qualified for jobs but never get hired because of ignorance, but who don’t give up. The one’s who have taxis and bus drivers pass them up day after day because they don’t want “dog trouble”, and yet don’t get angry, but patiently wait for the next cab or bus. Does that make sense? She and you are already alike—that’s the whole point.

@pdworkin Although I do not ski, sail, ride horseback, or have a masters… thank you :) she sounds like an amazing, wise woman and you are very lucky!

I am certainly lucky to have found someone wonderful to love – I’m sure you have other accomplishments that are comparable to hers – we all do.

You should re-evaluate what type of friends you really have. It sounds like you have casual acquaintances but few true friends. In my experience, if you find you have a couple of true friends you are a lucky person. Don’t be down on your acquaintances for just being nice people, they are OK, just not deep, true friends. Look closer to see if you have any of those.

People who wills tand by your in hardship are rare. If you feel you need to confront her, go ahead. But be prepared. She is likely to be defensive or dismissive.

You need, probably, to give this some time and see if you can feel the same way toward her.

Meanwhile, now you know who you can count on in life.

Take care.

@Marina I think you’re right, she will get defensive if I confront her so I think I just need to give it time.
Thanks!

“A friend in need is a friend indeed”

If they weren’t there, they weren’t true friends. Change friends.

Adversity is the true test of friendship. There are people who may seem like friends, but in reality, they are acquaintances that you have a lot of contact with. Lots of people don’t seem to understand that all relationships, in order to succeed, require you to step outside your own needs, and give to the other person; it’s not always 50/50.

Dear @evelyns_pet_zebra, I know just what you mean. Some of my best friends are Negroes.

I think if you are upset about anything to the point that you are crying a friend should be willing to leave a bar for a few minutes, unless you are like that all of the time and it is hard to decifer when things are very bad or not. Plus, I agree, if you are going through a hard time, I don’t care what the reason, friends should check in. I went through a very bad time in my early 20’s and I could not believe how fantastic many of my friends were…they made sure I was not alone most of the day, came over to play cards, called, really incredible, taught me how to be a good friend.

Having said all of that, I don’t know your speciific situation, but for me worrying that someone might have cancer might not trigger for me that my friend is very upset, although you mentioned he was in the hospital, so I don’t know if you mean he had other sigificant health problems going on? I had a family member who was going to go for a colonoscopy because he had some symptoms, he was 60 at the time. His wife and daughter were VERY upset, thought for sure he was dying. They were very angry that one of his sons did not fly into town for the procedure. The patient was not alone, there was plenty of family near by. I think they were wrong to be criticical of the son/brother. I don’t fly home when my mom gets a colonoscopy. But again, I don’t know the specifics of your situation, it might have been more grave than what I described about my famiy.

I’m glad your husband is cancer free :).

You should forgive them.
And then try to find some new friends that might be able to give you a shoulder. ...I’m not saying you should chuck the old ones. I’m sure there’s a reason their still your friends; they may have just made a gradual transition from close friends to close pals.

(I’m glad your husband is cancer-free, too!)

buh-bye! They aren’t your friends.

No, you are no over-reacting – I can’t believe your friends weren’t more supportive

I don’t know…I’m struggling with this at the moment. I’m not going through a particularly awful time like yours but I do need people and frequently find that they are not there for me..or not sure if they are even bothered.

I sometimes think like Jack that we should just move on and find friends that do care.. but then I’m not sure if I have gotten the situation a little wrong and that there might be a good reason for their lack of attention.

I guess we have to weigh who is more important at the end of the day and who we are going to put first. Our feelings about ourselves and our situation or Their feelings about our situation.

Having said all that..your friends should be there for you at a specific time like this.

are you familiar with the term, fair weather friends. There is also the expression, a friend in need is a friend indeed. This is when you find out who you’re real friends are, and it is shocking to discover most were never really friends in the first place, just acquaintances who liked to chat and do stuff.

well i wouldnt want them for my friends, true friends are suppose to be there for you when you need them, i wouldnt count on them again; actually i would start looking to expand my circle of friends…