Should I give him more time?

Yes, give him the benefit of the doubt, see if there is any growth on his part, say, within the next 6 months…then see how you feel about whatever progress he’s made…it’s always worth it for love

Be patient, good things come to those who wait, it has been said. If he has been burned in the past, the last thing you want to do is seem pushy or demanding. Give him some time, and some space, and see what happens. Love is a special thing, and if you love him as much as you say you do, then you will do anything to make sure he feels safe around you.

That’s the best advice I can give for now.

“Love comes to those who wait.” Be patient. He has been honest with you, give him time. He sounds like he is really trying.

If he loved the other person deeply it’s going to take him quite a while to feel safe around you. If you love him as much as you say, I also think that you should give him more time. Prove to him – through your patience – that you love him and won’t back away. It will prove a lot to him. True love is always worth it.

I guess I just don’t like him assuming I am like his old relationships, and he is fixated that because they screwed him over (i mean, he had a fiance who left him and a girlfriend who got pregnant by a friend of his) I will too. He doesn’t even give me a chance to show that I care about him more than to do that.

@shortysith In that case, give up and move on.

Is it just me that feels that “need” and “love” do not have to coexist? I know that the first time I ever fell in love, I felt I needed him… that I’d die without him. Obviously, that wasn’t the case. Since then, I’ve certainly been in love, but never felt that need again. I always just assumed that it was a case of mature love versus a younger love. Maybe he assumes love always come with need and therefore doubts the love. Just a thought.

Let him be freaked out, and just be your usual, caring self while he burns off his old fears. He’s dealing with ghosts and not you personally.

He probably needs you to push and pull against while he figures it out. So be something of a catalyst for him so ling as you think he’s moving forward.

If you decide he is stuck beyond what help you can give him or what he is willing to get himself (or is more attached to being stuck than progressing) move on.

@kevbo have I told you lately that you rock?!

This sounds a lot like my last relationship… and what I was going to say has already been said by @augustlan and @kevbo… Great answers!!

Give him the B.O.D it might pass but if it gets to the point where you just can’t take it anymore sit down with him (calmly) and talk about it… and not one sided conversations and don’t be aggressive, cause that just puts us guys on the spot even if it shouldn’t and makes us bring out random excuses even when we don’t have to and afterwards we’re aggressive too.
if you haven’t already:
Just make sure he understands you’re position and how you feel about it. let him know that your completely there for him and you’re basically his safety net.
when I started out with my gf I was in the same position. I understand how he feels…
Kind of wish my Gf would’ve been able to talk to me… she was too quiet…

I think age is a consideration here.
If you are high school or college age, I’d say be patient for six months or so and see how things go. But if you are both adults, he should be mature enough to separate the relationship you have from his past bad experiences.

@kevo’s advice is right on. Its like he is attracted to you, but is aware that he has a pattern of being attracted to the wrong sort of person. The fact that he doesn’t “need” you may be perplexing to him because in the past he did feel like he “needed” the person he was with, and it never worked out well.

The fact that you will live closer to each other should help things, because you will be able to focus on having a real relationship. It would probably be a disaster to move in with this person, and that’s okay. Six months is not really a long time to be dating someone, but is that point where you have enough invested in the relationship to want to commit more time to it. This relationship will need more time, and should not be rushed. There’s no hurry, is there, especially if the relationship is good other than having a long term commitment spelled out?

Think of the relationship as a rose bud. If you try to make it bloom faster it will fall apart and never bloom but if you are paitent and do not try to force anything it will become a magnificent rose.

Those who have been hurt take longer to bloom- but once they do trust again it is a relationship of passion well worth the wait.

—Six months is not that long. I took 3 years to open up to my spouse. _And I can honestly say that we have a more
intensely passionate and loving relationship than I had ever imagined was possible._—

I understand your frustration and hurt feelings, it’s understandable. But love is patient, and you say you love him, you need to be patient. Love is about putting someone else before yourself, I understand that at a certain point the other person must reciprocate for love to work, but he is scared and hurting. This guy sounds a lot like me in relationships, he needs time, he needs understanding, let him know you are there for him, and then prove it. Time and experiences is how you will gain trust and he will feel “safe” enough to let you in.

thanks for the answers, they are all very helpful. We are both adults, that is why I find it strange for someone to still be stuck on something two years later. I am glad he told me what he is feeling, but I feel kinda stuck now too. Waiting for something is always the hardest part :)

It is not that he is stuck on something it is that he was deeply hurt. Think of it as petting a dog and getting savagely bitten. The next dog that comes along you will wait and observe before opening up to reach out to it. (keep in mind this is just a metaphor and I am not implying that you are a dog :) )

My Grandmother told me once “Nothing truly worth having ever comes easy.” I suggest you occupy yourself with new projects so you do not dwell too much on this. That way he will not feel pressured and you will not drive yourself crazy.

Speaking as someone who has also been stuck on something for two years. Sometimes it’s really hard to let go of something that has hurt us so deeply.

I’m surprised no one has suggested therapy, yet. There are things really bothering this guy, and it seems to be keeping him back from things he really wants in his life. A good therapist might be able to help.

I don’t know if you could be his therapist. You are not his other girl friends. You are not even like them, right? So what is keeping him from seeing that? Is he not really seeing you, but seeing some fantasy in his head?

And you don’t have to “need” someone to be in love with them. In fact, love without neediness is much more secure.

I’m not a girl but a guy like that doesn’t sound like a catch to me. My advice, keep looking.

@daloon and it’s more comfortable than love with neediness.