How can I avoid a brother who I have to live in the same house with?

If he ever hits you again and your mother won’t intervene, contact a neighbor, the police, your minister or rabbi or call a teen-age hot line. Where do you live?

Hi Ellie,
your brother hits you, you say? And your mother knows about this? I guess there’s a difference between sibling fights and actually hurting eachother using raw violence. I can’t tell what kind of violence you are experiencing at home, but if it is more than just a borther and a sister arguing the “natural way”, you should definately not pull up with it. Of course, no one should experience violence at home! It sounds as if you have a good relationship with your dad and he is the parent who tells him off when he bothers you. Have you expressed your feelings to your dad?

I don’t think you will be able to make things better tomorrow, it might take some time. I would advice you to talk to your dad and also try to build a better relationship with your mum. And for what it’s worth, also with your brother. What if you have friends at home, is your brother behaving better?

@EllieP sorry to hear that. I think you should talk to your parents about this..make like a meeting or something. It’s very importanat. If I was you I should’ve called the police long time ago…I mean what if he goes too far someday…don’t let this happen.

Kick him in the nuts. Hard. He’ll never bother you again.

The brother dynamic is difficult. If it was me, I would martial my thoughts, find a time when I could get my parents together without my brother, and sit them down for a talk.

It is important to remain calm no matter what the provocation.

Think about what you want to say. Maybe write it out in advance and practice it.

I would say something like this, “I need to talk to you about my relationship with Tom. I know that sibling squabbles during the teen years are expected, but when he physically hits me, kicks me, and knocks me down, it hurts.

I have the right to be free of physical assault. I have the right to expect you to protect me.

This needs to change.

It hurts me that you are unwilling to make this place, which is my home too, safe for me.”

Whatever your words are, keep in mind the following:

Use I statements rather than saying something like “You never tell Tom not to hit me.” It is much more effective communication to say, “When you just stand by when Tom hits me, it makes me feel like you don’t care about me.”

Be clear about what you want. You are not going to get your obnoxious brother to leave you totally alone, but asking to be free from physical assault is a reasonable request.

Good luck.

BTW welcome to fluther. :)

@Marina; Wonderful response, as usual, but imagine being 14 again and taking on your parents and an adored older brother. That would be tough. I think she needs some neutral adult support.

Kicking a younger sister in the back is more than standard sibling rough-housing.

@gailcalled I agree, but I am worried that if she does not make an effort first going outside the family would have repercussions for her that would be even more painful. Only she knows. Fourteen is very young.

True; I guess once you get social services involved, things get very complicated.

I agree with @Marina on this.
Whenever you talk about situations that give you a certain feeling, your parents (and for that matter, everybody else) can never deny that.
And when they love you (which they’ll naturally do) they will listen to you and try to solve things for you.

@EllieP when I was your age I found myself in a very similar situation. Two of my older brothers abused me (there is no other word for the way your brother is treating you). I told my grandmother, she talked to my uncle who taught me some self-defense moves. The only problem was that I was never brave enough to use them and if I had and failed I would have been in for a real beating when they finally caught up with me. I’m sorry you are having to deal with this.

I would recommend that, since your dad seems to be your ally in this, you discuss the situation very seriously with him. Explain to him the extent of your brother’s mistreatment of you and that your mother doesn’t seem to be able to control him. Read @Marina‘s response to this question very carefully and follow all the advice she has provided. Hopefully your father will hear you and put an end to this.

In the meantime try keeping to yourself as much as possible. If he asks you a question answer it very simply, but answer it so as not to provoke him. Try your best not to be snotty or sarcastic to him (that was always the hardest part for me!) because that is just likely to set him off and it gives him the excuse of “she was mean to me” if your mother calls him on hitting you. Hang in there….

You should probally stay away from him and keep a distance.You could go to the park or hang out with your friends to get your mind off him and where you can relax.You should also talk to your mom about this or even your dad.Tell them how bad it hurts and maybe they will talk to your brother and punish him. Good Luck!

Clock him in the balls and break his nose

whoop him one good time and let him know you will not be oppressed any longer.

Its how America gain our freedom. Why cant it work for you?

Does your dad have e-mail at work. E-mail him there and ask him to help you. Tell him your mom doesn’t take it seriously and that you’re afraid of your brother. And tell him you’re e-mailing him at work because he’s never there and doesn’t see what’s going on.

@EllieP Please let us know what happens whatever you decide to do. Take care of yourself. What is happening is wrong. We care about you.

I think you have too much time on your hands. If your parents held you trsponstblr for housework after school and required your brother to get a job you wouldn;t have the time or the ehergy to act like 8 yo’s

If you want it to stop you can make it stop. Sit down with both your parents and possibly your brother and make it clear that the hitting has to stop, He is too strong and it is becoming abusive. On the other hand you have to shut up and quit instigating. Make it quite clear that if he continues to hit you, you will report it-18 years old be damned, school teachers and counselors must report abuse. Jail will probably not be involved but I am sure your parents don’t want Social Services to investigate.

In my humble opinion, I suggest that you NOT engage in any discussion with your brother anymore. I know it sounds drastic (and will probably get some opposing views to my comment), but the violence just has to stop. And, for whatever reason, you speaking to him is provoking him (or helping him find an excuse to hit you).

He is either enjoying the physical assaults, or doesn’t know how to control himself or both.

Either way, it’s dangerous, it’s painful for you (emotionally as well as physically) and you must distance yourself from him.

I do advise telling both your parents what is happening, and that as a result you don’t feel comfortable talking to him.

I have been in a similar situation, and that’s what worked for me. It may not work for you, but I think your priority should be safety over bonding and keeping the family together. So, in whatever form that takes, I highly recommend that course. Good luck.

thanks to all answers, i really do appreciate it. I have decided to confront my dad about this as most of you rightly pointed out i am very close to him. However he is on a business trip and wont be back until saturday. Until then like some people have suggested im just going to keep my self to myself,if that is possible. i’ll keep you informed and thanks again. Ellie x

Good for you EllieP, good luck.

@EllieP It is a family issue and if you don’t it treat it that way, you may cause problems between your parents-unless that is what you want?

@EllieP I think it is fine to approach your dad, but be prepared that he may well bring your Mom into the discussion. Just don’t point fingers, and stick to how things are for you.

i will do thanks so much u have been a great help Marina!